Danielle Bezalel
Sex Educator
Danielle Bezalel is a sex educator.
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Forum Comments (3)
What should more people know before having sex for the first time?
This is such an important question.
1. Sex is not just penis and vagina sex. Sex is anything related to pleasuring the genitals and or erogenous zones. So when it comes to making out, when it comes to fingering, when it comes to oral, when it comes to using a toy, when it comes to watching porn together and getting aroused, all of those things can be considered sex. I think there's a misconception that once a penis enters a vagina, that's when a person "loses their virginity." Virginity is a construct. It's made up.
2. Throughout those different kinds of acts, using toys, oral, you can get STIs. It's really important to protect yourself against STIs by using condoms and dental dams. It's also important to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Everyone should know about the dual protection method. That's using condoms plus a form of birth control, whether that's an IUD, birth control pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, etc.
2. Sex should feel fun, and sex should feel good. We're really not taught those things! Sex ed only covers the risks of pregnancy and disease, but the reality is that there are risks and there are rewards to having sex. Most people have sex because they get rewards out of it. The reward is that you can connect with someone. It can feel really good, you can reach orgasm, you can feel pleasure, you can have fun, you can laugh.
3. Lube is your best friend when you're first starting to have sex. Likely, for people with vulvas, sex can feel uncomfortable if you're not using lube and if you're not taking your time. It's important to know that on average, people with vulvas take around 20 to 30 minutes to feel warmed up enough and ready to reach orgasm to climax, whereas people with penises take closer to five to 10 minutes. So it's important to know that if you're having sex with someone with a vulva or if you have a vulva, you might take a little bit more time to warm up. So think about how you're using fingers, how you're using a mouth, how you're using a toy, how you're taking your time using lube. Then if and when you're ready to have PV sex, know that you should go slow, you should take your time. If it hurts, you should stop. If it feels really uncomfortable, you should stop. Know that with time, most people are able to have penis/vagina sex that is pleasurable and comfortable.
4. Don't ever forget about the clitoris. Most women are not going to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Make sure to take turns - if once, the person with the penis orgasms first, the next time, the person with the vulva should orgasm first.
5. Aftercare is really important. Aftercare can be physical touch or verbal discussion. It can be taking a shower together, laying in bed, cuddling, tickling each other. It's about calming yourselves down, discussing what went well, and talking about anything that you want to process together. Orgasm can lead to a serotonin increase and oxytocin release. So there's a literal come-down of hormones after orgasm. It's important to get your body and your mind back to baseline with aftercare.
6. Finally, know that people who have sex with you need to respect you. They need to get your consent, and the sex needs to be comfortable and safe. Both people should have each other's pleasure in mind.
1. Sex is not just penis and vagina sex. Sex is anything related to pleasuring the genitals and or erogenous zones. So when it comes to making out, when it comes to fingering, when it comes to oral, when it comes to using a toy, when it comes to watching porn together and getting aroused, all of those things can be considered sex. I think there's a misconception that once a penis enters a vagina, that's when a person "loses their virginity." Virginity is a construct. It's made up.
2. Throughout those different kinds of acts, using toys, oral, you can get STIs. It's really important to protect yourself against STIs by using condoms and dental dams. It's also important to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Everyone should know about the dual protection method. That's using condoms plus a form of birth control, whether that's an IUD, birth control pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, etc.
2. Sex should feel fun, and sex should feel good. We're really not taught those things! Sex ed only covers the risks of pregnancy and disease, but the reality is that there are risks and there are rewards to having sex. Most people have sex because they get rewards out of it. The reward is that you can connect with someone. It can feel really good, you can reach orgasm, you can feel pleasure, you can have fun, you can laugh.
3. Lube is your best friend when you're first starting to have sex. Likely, for people with vulvas, sex can feel uncomfortable if you're not using lube and if you're not taking your time. It's important to know that on average, people with vulvas take around 20 to 30 minutes to feel warmed up enough and ready to reach orgasm to climax, whereas people with penises take closer to five to 10 minutes. So it's important to know that if you're having sex with someone with a vulva or if you have a vulva, you might take a little bit more time to warm up. So think about how you're using fingers, how you're using a mouth, how you're using a toy, how you're taking your time using lube. Then if and when you're ready to have PV sex, know that you should go slow, you should take your time. If it hurts, you should stop. If it feels really uncomfortable, you should stop. Know that with time, most people are able to have penis/vagina sex that is pleasurable and comfortable.
4. Don't ever forget about the clitoris. Most women are not going to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Make sure to take turns - if once, the person with the penis orgasms first, the next time, the person with the vulva should orgasm first.
5. Aftercare is really important. Aftercare can be physical touch or verbal discussion. It can be taking a shower together, laying in bed, cuddling, tickling each other. It's about calming yourselves down, discussing what went well, and talking about anything that you want to process together. Orgasm can lead to a serotonin increase and oxytocin release. So there's a literal come-down of hormones after orgasm. It's important to get your body and your mind back to baseline with aftercare.
6. Finally, know that people who have sex with you need to respect you. They need to get your consent, and the sex needs to be comfortable and safe. Both people should have each other's pleasure in mind.
How often should couples have sex?
I like to reframe that question - it shouldn't be "how often are we having sex," but instead "how much pleasure am I having every time that we have sex." You and your partner are the only people who need to be involved in figuring out how good your sex life is. You don't need to be comparing yourself to other people. The reality is, you should have as much sex as you and your partner want to have every week or every month or every year, whatever it is.
Even if you have sex once a week, for example, if you're not enjoying the kind of sex that you're having, it's irrelevant how much sex you're having. What really matters is that you're having a great experience. If you compare one person who has amazing sex with only one person for their entire life or another person who has okay sex with 20 people, that doesn't mean that the person who has sex with 20 people is having a better life. It's the same thing if you're comparing two couples, one of them has sex every day or every other day, and one has sex once a week. It doesn't necessarily mean that the couple who's having sex every day is having more pleasure. Maybe it's just that they have higher libidos.
An important piece of this conversation is that it's important to think about how masturbation can play a role in your own sex life, even when you're partnered. For people who have mismatched libidos or who are worried that they're not having enough sex, know that you have the ability to have sex with yourself whenever you want. I want to empower couples to be able to access that side of their pleasure in the shower, in the bed, or anywhere. There are so many ways to access pleasure on your own.
To give this answer some specific numbers, a study from 2015 showed that having sex once a week is a good frequency for maintaining a happy relationship. So that can be a ballpark number, but I also think that if people have sex once a month and they're really happy with their sex life, or even once every other month and they're really happy with their sex life, it's more about finding a person who you can get on the same page with about how much exactly how much sex that you want to have.
Even if you have sex once a week, for example, if you're not enjoying the kind of sex that you're having, it's irrelevant how much sex you're having. What really matters is that you're having a great experience. If you compare one person who has amazing sex with only one person for their entire life or another person who has okay sex with 20 people, that doesn't mean that the person who has sex with 20 people is having a better life. It's the same thing if you're comparing two couples, one of them has sex every day or every other day, and one has sex once a week. It doesn't necessarily mean that the couple who's having sex every day is having more pleasure. Maybe it's just that they have higher libidos.
An important piece of this conversation is that it's important to think about how masturbation can play a role in your own sex life, even when you're partnered. For people who have mismatched libidos or who are worried that they're not having enough sex, know that you have the ability to have sex with yourself whenever you want. I want to empower couples to be able to access that side of their pleasure in the shower, in the bed, or anywhere. There are so many ways to access pleasure on your own.
To give this answer some specific numbers, a study from 2015 showed that having sex once a week is a good frequency for maintaining a happy relationship. So that can be a ballpark number, but I also think that if people have sex once a month and they're really happy with their sex life, or even once every other month and they're really happy with their sex life, it's more about finding a person who you can get on the same page with about how much exactly how much sex that you want to have.
Basic pointers how to dirty talk?
I recommend starting dirty talk through texting. This gives you the opportunity to more carefully craft your messages! Start texting a little during the workday if you work in different places. This can build up anticipation for when you do see them in person. You can always text them something very simple, like, "I can't wait to play with you later, devil emoji." It's benign but also gets your partner a little bit excited.
Also, before you launch into dirty talk, make sure you ask your partner: "How do you feel about dirty talk? Are you down to do that today?" Ask them this outside of the bedroom so there is no power dynamic at play. If they're not into it that day, it doesn't mean they don't love you or they're rejecting you. It just means that that's not something they want to do in that moment.
A few other phrases you can try are "you're so dirty," "you're a dirty girl/boy," "you've been a good girl/boy" (some people have a praise kink). Always check in with your partner to see what they like and don't like, as consent is sexy.
Also, before you launch into dirty talk, make sure you ask your partner: "How do you feel about dirty talk? Are you down to do that today?" Ask them this outside of the bedroom so there is no power dynamic at play. If they're not into it that day, it doesn't mean they don't love you or they're rejecting you. It just means that that's not something they want to do in that moment.
A few other phrases you can try are "you're so dirty," "you're a dirty girl/boy," "you've been a good girl/boy" (some people have a praise kink). Always check in with your partner to see what they like and don't like, as consent is sexy.
