How to Make Yourself More Attractive to Gay Men

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Plus, learn what traits gay men are really looking for in a partner
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Beauty standards for gay men may seem stereotypically fashion-forward and manicured, but beauty basically boils down to personal presentation, confidence, and personality across the board. Implementing better grooming, wardrobe, and lifestyle habits can help you look and feel your best, especially as you work on developing your personality, passions, and self-esteem. If you want to learn how to be your best, beautiful gay self, keep reading for a complete guide to what gay men are looking for and how to present your best self , including tips and tricks from dating coach Imad Jbara and licensed esthetician Melissa Jannes.

How to be Attractive to Gay Men

Dating coach Imad Jbara says to accept the skin you’re in and surround yourself with people who inspire you to embrace yourself to radiate confidence. In addition to inner beauty, prioritize your hygiene, grooming, and skin care routines. Lean into a unique personal style and exercise regularly for a healthy physique.

Section 1 of 6:

What traits are gay men looking for?

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  1. Gay and bi men want partners who are on the same page about the things that really matter. Gay men tend to seek out other men with similar hobbies, backgrounds, and hopes for the future. For example, if you’d like to be a father someday, it’s essential that you find someone who would want to raise a child with you. Similarly, if you’re not very religious, it wouldn’t make sense to pursue a guy who is a strictly observant Catholic. Finding someone who is similar yet different enough from you is truly the sweet spot. [1]

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Imad Jbara is a dating coach based in NYC with 100+ clients.

    Melissa Jannes is a licensed esthetician, the owner of a beauty studio in Philadelphia, and winner of the “Best of Beauty” award from Allure magazine in 2012.

  2. Having confidence and charisma go hand in hand and are usually highly valued traits among gay and bi men. These two qualities are typically related to dominance, kindness, and a great sense of humor, which are also very coveted. Single gay men often search for partners who are decisive, assertive, and generous of spirit, making them quite attractive to the same sex!
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  3. As it turns out, having an initial “spark” is a very real phenomenon for many people. In the gay community, sexual attraction is often the foundation for long-term relationships, although pure attraction is not enough. There has to be chemistry, reciprocity, and the mutual inability to keep your hands off one another. Certain factors, like pheromones and past encounters with similar-looking people, can shape sexual chemistry, and by association, your whole romantic future. [2]
  4. Many gay men report feeling attracted to fit and athletic body types. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship with someone who has washboard abs is destined to last, as these are most closely correlated with one-night stands and short-term relationships. Having a healthy appearance, however, is a universal marker of attractiveness. [3]
    • So, while you definitely don’t need to be a top-placing bodybuilder at Mr. Olympia, exercising regularly can boost your endorphins, mental health, attractiveness, and confidence!
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Section 2 of 6:

Embracing Your Existing Beauty

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  1. Gay men, in particular, may have had years of self-doubt and questioning due to living with homophobia in all its forms. This takes time and effort to shake off! Take the time to identify what you think is beautiful about yourself, and nurture that beauty instead of doubting it. Jbara explains how important confidence is: “Confidence comes from accepting yourself, whether you're gay, straight, trans, whatever it is— if you can accept the skin that you're in, nothing will stand in your way.” [4]
    • Jbara adds that “confidence can’t be bought.” He says that “confidence is a skill you develop.” He believes that becoming more confident is a process, and along the way, “you have to fail, you have to get rejected” in order to grow. [5]
  2. It can be hard to find stereotypically "gay" aspects of your composure or personality beautiful. This is largely due to society’s spread of heteronormative ideas, which tend to define femininity within the masculine as undesirable. Instead of falling prey to these ideas, embrace your "gay voice" or mannerisms that are stereotypically associated with gay men. Jbara shares his experience working with gay clients and how they often struggled with embracing their own identities: “In the gay community, it's tough because there are different stages that [gay men] go through, like denial, and they're afraid to express themselves.” [6]
    • Jbara adds that finding “the right people” can help you accept your unique identity: “If you're shy, and you want to be more expressive, expose yourself to people that you can look up to and get advice from.” [7]
  3. Attractiveness may have less to do with physical traits than with other character traits, such as a sense of humor or a sharp intellect. Become really good at something. Do projects or hobbies you love to do. Develop a career that is fulfilling. Having passions, skills, and pursuits makes you a more interesting and attractive person.
  4. It can be easy to see someone and think, "I wish I could look that good." This can be especially hard in the gay community, where looks and traditional attractiveness tend to take center stage. However, this accomplishes nothing. Instead of comparing yourself to others, embrace your own looks. [8]
  5. There is no one way to be a beautiful and attractive gay man. Some gay men find skinny, hairless men beautiful. Other gay men prefer hairy, large men. In other words, if you want to feel beautiful, you don't necessarily need to change yourself. Instead, you can surround yourself with people who like you as you are! Jbara advises that you rely on people in the community with more experience than you: “If you have 5 close friends that are also gay, [lean on] them for confidence and support.” [9]
    • It is undeniable that it feels good when someone else thinks you are beautiful. Find those people who can see the beauty that already exists in you.
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Section 3 of 6:

Starting a Hygiene & Grooming Routine

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  1. Your face is the first thing people see when they meet you. Caring for your skin is important to prevent acne, dry skin, or oily skin, and to look and feel your best. Wash your face with either cold or lukewarm water, then use toner on your face to remove any excess oil or dirt, and follow up with a gentle moisturizer. Licensed esthetician Melissa Jannes shares that specialized serums are great options to add moisture: “For someone younger, something like benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid can help with acne and oil production.” [10]
  2. Treat the dark circles under your eyes by placing cool, moist tea bags over your eyelids, which helps reduce darkness and puffiness in your skin. You can also reduce the appearance of dark under-eyes with a specialized cream, which typically contains caffeine, retinol, and vitamins C and E. Other measures you can take to remain as youthful-looking as possible include staying out of the sun and avoiding smoking at all costs. [14]
    • Jannes adds that “other than your genes, sun damage is going to be the thing that ages you the fastest.” She advises that you use a “quality sunscreen,” recommending “zinc oxide sunscreen.” [15]
    • Make sure your sunscreen has an SPF of 15 or higher, and reapply it at least every two hours.

    • Exposure to cigarette smoke can decrease blood flow, leaving your skin more wrinkled and less elastic. Smoking can also cause premature creases around your mouth and eyes, so cut the habit soon to care for your skin.
  3. Most Americans shower daily, and brushing your teeth as well as flossing should also be incorporated into your everyday routine. Proper dental care (including flossing !) will help prevent bad breath and keep your teeth bright and healthy. Additionally, you should wear deodorant every day, and investing in a nice cologne or body spray is a great way to get noticed. Of course, the finer points of men's fragrance come down to personal preference, so it’ll be up to you! Regularly trimming your nails, as well as your ear, nose, and neck hair, will create a more manicured, polished look— which is what many gay men tend to go for! [16]
    • Shampoo and condition your hair 1-3 times per week or as needed.
    • Use nail clippers or a good pair of manicure scissors to trim your nails . [17]
    • You should also trim your eyebrows from time to time, so they don't get bushy and overgrown.
  4. Facial hair is another extremely personal choice. There's no right or wrong answer on whether you should go for a smooth shave all over or a scruffy beard and body hair, as there are many different types of men represented in the gay community. For example, bears are typically burly men with a lot of body hair, and many gay men find this aesthetic attractive. There are also dolphins, which have very little body hair and are also highly sought after. So, when it comes to body hair, facial hair, and your hairstyle, go with whatever makes you comfortable and confident. [18]
    • Jannes offers chest waxing as a good option, debunking the myth that the hair grows back faster or thicker: “When you wax, you're taking the hair out by the root, so a new hair has to regenerate.” [19]
    • She adds that “a lot of the time, waxing can cause trauma to the follicle itself, which causes the hair to grow back thinner and sparser.” [20]
    • If you are feeling like you're stuck in a hairstyle rut, a slightly new look might be just the thing to snap you out of it. Getting a good haircut and styling your hair the way you like it can make you feel beautiful and confident.
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Section 4 of 6:

Putting Together a Wardrobe

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  1. Fashion trends come and go, and what's popular this season may be out of favor within a month or two. Instead of worrying about what's hot at the moment, choose classics that never go out of style. For example, if you like button-downs or polo shirts, feel free to wear them, as they are always fashionable.
    • Other examples of timeless wardrobe staples include khakis, denim, and tailored suits.
    • While trends can be expensive and fleeting, what’s most important is that you follow your own style compass. If a new trend emerges that really speaks to you, go for it!
  2. Oversized and baggy clothes can swallow you, while clothes that are 2 sizes too snug can make you feel like a stuffed sausage. Try to find a middle ground that makes you feel both comfortable and confident. A fitted pant leg tends to look much more dressy and attractive than a baggy pant leg. Whether you're choosing a pair of khakis for work or jeans for a night out, go for a more fitted style to get a more appealing look.
    • It’s important to note the difference between “fitted” and “tight.” Fitted clothes follow and accentuate the organic lines of the body, whereas tight clothes are often restrictive, uncomfortable, and can be unflattering.
  3. No matter what occasion you're dressing for, having some basic dress clothes will help you look stylish and feel confident. You don't need to break the bank, either. Look for sales and discontinued items, or simply add one piece of clothing at a time to your wardrobe. Some staples your wardrobe might be: [21]
    • One solid suit, either black or dark charcoal. Opt for a single-breasted jacket with either two or three buttons for a classic look.
    • Dress pants. Choose either khaki or dark charcoal to easily coordinate with other parts of your wardrobe.
    • A tie. Go for medium-width in a solid color.
    • Dress shoes. Try to match your shoes with your belt and your suit color (black or brown are both popular choices).
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Section 5 of 6:

Presenting Your Best Self

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  1. Having a daily workout routine will help you feel and look your best. A good workout should combine a rigorous cardio set with regular weight training for optimal results. In addition to exercise, Jannes adds that “being well rested, well hydrated, and having a good diet” are the most important habits when trying to look your best. [22]
    • Aim to do a cardio workout four days a week for at least 30 minutes.
    • Incorporate a 20-minute or longer weight-training session twice a week.
  2. You may not think much about it on a day-to-day basis, but the way you stand or sit conveys a lot about your confidence and self-esteem. Over time, poor posture can also lead to back and neck problems.
    • Take regular stretch breaks at work or at home. Try to stand up, stretch, and open up your chest for a few minutes every half hour or so. You should also try to walk around and move your body a little as often as possible.
    • Sit up straight for better back health and posture. Keep your back and neck straight with your shoulders slightly dropped whenever you're sitting at a desk or in a chair.
  3. Body language reveals non-verbal cues to potential suitors, letting them know that you’re open, pleasant, and ready to chat. If you’re having a conversation with a crush, make sure you’re facing and leaning toward them with your arms uncrossed. This will communicate that you’re engaged and providing them with your undivided attention. Maintaining eye contact, smiling, and initiating physical touch can also convey that you’re into them.
  4. If you know what you like and what looks good on you, turn every errand into a runway show! Whether you prefer bright colors and funky accessories or a more subtle yet still stylish button-down and slacks, embracing your sense of style can help improve your confidence and, therefore, your chances of meeting someone who loves you exactly as you are. If you’re just embarking on a personal style journey, here are some things you can try:
    • If you've never grown a beard, try growing one. Many men find that wearing a beard lends a sense of confidence and makes men look more attractive.
    • Try the opposite. If you've had a beard for many years, shave off your facial hair and see what your bare face looks like after all this time. You might find that you feel more attractive and younger with a simple shave.
    • Pick up one or two articles of clothing that go against your usual style. Try wearing these when you need a confidence booster.
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Section 6 of 6:

Cultivating an Attractive Personality

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  1. Self-confidence is a marker of a winning personality, and confidence and extroversion make people appear friendly and sure of themselves, rendering them attractive to others. Feeling more confident in your daily life takes some effort and self-inventory, but with a little guidance, you can begin seeing yourself in a brand new light. Others will be sure to follow! [23]
    • To feel more confident in your physical appearance, work out to stay fit and stabilize your mental health. Research shows that gay men tend to go for athletic bodies—use it as your motivation!
    • Invest in your personal style and create a timeless wardrobe.
    • Take up hobbies you’re interested in, whether that be a cooking class, dance class, pottery class, or anything in between. This is always a great way to meet suitable bachelors!
  2. When it comes to being more agreeable, empathy is key. If you feel like your empathetic side could use some development, make an effort to put yourself in other people’s shoes. You can do this by asking questions about the person’s situation and imagining yourself in a similar predicament. Other ways to grow your empathy include taking your time to process feelings before reacting and focusing on creating positive interactions with others. [24]
    • Journaling can help you better understand your feelings, and signal to you when you’ve hit an emotional snag or roadblock.
    • If you have a history of being combative, jotting down your thoughts can aid you in investigating why you feel the need to lash out instead of simply listening and absorbing.
    • Agreeableness isn’t synonymous with being a pushover. It’s more about recognizing someone’s emotional state and what they hope to attain during the interaction, whether that be comfort, assurance, or a new perspective.
  3. Intelligence comes from having a growth mindset, which begins with the belief that intelligence is something that can be nurtured and expanded, like a garden. Become a lifelong learner by reading often, seeking out new life experiences that change your worldview, and asking as many questions as possible. You might be surprised at how much you learn while falling down a niche information rabbit hole! [25]
    • Investigating your own thoughts and ideas can help broaden your mind. For example, consider a prejudice you hold about something. Then ask yourself: why? Look up information on the subject and challenge yourself to change your own mind!
    • Set goals for yourself. If you want to master a new language within the next year, start now by setting smaller, incremental goals that are stepping stones toward your final one.
    • Play brain games, like Sudoku , Wordle , or do puzzles. These will stimulate and reinvigorate your cognitive processes.
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      Tips

      • There is no absolute guide to beauty or attractiveness. These tips can help, but they may not all work for you. Figure out what makes you feel beautiful and confident, and follow your own best beauty routine.
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      • Don't change your style just to please someone's expectations. Be confident in yourself, how you look, and what you bring to the table. Odds are you'll feel even more beautiful.
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      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Remember to present yourself in way that makes you happy. Don't let others try to change you or make you feel small.
      • Make sure to not change your personality for anyone; it's better to be your genuine, honest, and authentic self!
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      Warnings

      • Don't let vanity become the object of your life. It's important to feel good and look good, but remember that beauty is not everything.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://littlegaybook.com/what-makes-two-people-compatible/
      2. ↑ https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/what-is-sexual-chemistry
      3. ↑ https://www.briangerald.com/history-gay-cruising/
      4. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200605/how-feel-more-attractive
      9. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/16/how-to-wash-face-tips-healthy-skin_n_2134381.html#gallery/263459/3
      4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/16/how-to-wash-face-tips-healthy-skin_n_2134381.html#gallery/263459/4
      5. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/skin-care/art-20048237
      6. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ http://www.oprah.com/style/10-Grooming-Tips-for-Men
      8. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/nails/art-20044954
      9. ↑ http://www.gq.com/story/gq-mens-body-grooming-duide
      10. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician & Brazilian Wax Educator. Expert Interview
      12. ↑ https://www.sierra.com/lp2/dress-wardrobe-guide/
      13. ↑ Melissa Jannes. Licensed Esthetician. Expert Interview
      14. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240102-the-qualities-that-are-more-attractive-than-our-looks
      15. ↑ https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic
      16. ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-become-smarter

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you're a gay man and you want to feel beautiful, start by embracing the stereotypically "gay" aspects of your composure or personality, like your tone of voice or particular mannerisms. Many gay men feel that they have to downplay these characteristics, but straight society doesn't dictate the rules and you should be proud of who you are! Beauty is different for everyone, but you can start by projecting confidence and letting your personality shine. Upping your game when it comes to personal grooming, wardrobe, and lifestyle habits can also help you look and feel your best. For example, make it a point to groom yourself neatly, develop a great skin care routine, and add fitted, well-tailored pieces to your wardrobe. Finally, develop your personal passions and skills so that you have plenty of interesting things to talk about! To learn about more specific hygiene and grooming tips, read on!

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