What is “Sexclusivity?” How to Be Sexually Exclusive

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Is it a good idea to be sexually exclusive? Find out here
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“Sexclusivity” is the act of remaining sexually exclusive with one partner, typically one you’re in a relationship with. Being sexclusive helps ensure you’re on the same page as your partner and can reduce the risk of STIs. In this article, we explain what sexclusivity is , how to implement it , and signs you should be sexclusive , all with the help of dating coaches, a psychotherapist, and a relationship advisor!

What does sexclusivity mean?

Dating coach David Chambers says that sexclusivity means being sexually exclusive with someone and not having sex with anyone else. You may have another partner or friends with benefits, but you only sexually commit to one person. Those who are sexclusive are often in a committed relationship, but not always.

Section 1 of 5:

What is “sexclusivity?”

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  1. 1
    Sexclusivity means sexually committing to one person. According to Chambers, sexclusivity means “to be sexually exclusive with somebody and not be having sex with anybody else.” Under this definition, you may have another partner, a few friends with benefits , or even be in multiple relationships , but you’re exclusively having sex with one person.
  2. 2
    Sexclusivity can also mean not having sex until you're in a relationship. When you practice sexclusivity, you typically wait until the person you’re talking to has committed to being your partner before agreeing to have sex. Once you’ve entered a relationship, you exclusively have sex with your partner, and no one else. Sexclusivity is often a hallmark of a committed relationship, as sex without a partnership is typically viewed as “ no strings attached .” [1]
    • It typically takes a few weeks (or longer) of dating for both parties to agree to sexclusivity.
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Section 2 of 5:

Is sexclusivity a good idea?

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  1. 1
    Sexclusivity can help you find a committed partner. When you’re sexclusive, you and your partner both agree to only sleep with each other. If you’re looking for a committed relationship, being sexclusive is a great way to weed out those who are only looking for casual hookups. [2] Let the person you’re talking to know how you feel, and if they commit and want to further your relationship, they may be a good prospective partner.
    • Being sexclusive also helps prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs), reducing the risk of disease by limiting your sexual relations to one person.
  2. 2
    Sexclusivity may not be for you if you’re only looking for casual sex. Although sexclusivity is great for finding someone who’s committed to you, it isn’t necessarily the best way to find someone who wants to have fun, casual sex. The idea of committing to a relationship may be too much for some, especially if they prefer sex before a relationship. So, in this case, sexclusivity may not be the route for you. [3]
    • Be upfront about whether you’re sleeping with other people so no one gets their feelings hurt.
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Section 3 of 5:

How to Implement Sexclusivity with a Potential Partner

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  1. 1
    Be upfront about your desire to be sexually exclusive early on. Let your romantic interest know that you want to be sexually exclusive as soon as you’re comfortable talking about the topic of sex so they aren’t left in the dark. According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, approaching conversations with your partner about your sexual desires doesn’t need to be serious. Just voice what you like, what you want, and be honest with your partner.
    • It’s best to do this sooner rather than later; that way, the person you’re talking to will know your intentions and be able to act accordingly.
    • Whether you’re dating online or in person, relationship coach Dr. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD, says, “It’s really important to state your intentions when dating.” Withholding your intentions to get someone to like you likely won’t lead to a healthy relationship.
  2. 2
    Be extremely clear about your desire to be sexually exclusive. The person you’re talking to may not realize you want to be sexually exclusive, so communicate that clearly ! Chambers says when discussing sexclusivity, be clear about what you want and why you want it. Wait for an appropriate time when neither of you has any immediate stressors to worry about, then meet in person for a face-to-face conversation about the topic.
    • Example: “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about our exclusivity. I only have sex with a person if I know neither of us is having sex with anyone else. How do you feel about that?”
    • Example: “I want you to know that I only have sex when I’m in a relationship. I’d love to have a conversation to see where you stand on sexclusivity to make sure we’re on the same page moving forward!”
    • Have a discussion when you can sit down face-to-face. Going on a drive or heading to a restaurant to have the conversation may not be a good idea, for example, as it’s easy to get distracted.
    • Relationship advisor Erika Kaplan says to know exactly how you feel before communicating that you want things to be slow, then gently and transparently let your partner know how you feel.
  3. 3
    Consider ending things if you and your romantic interest don’t agree. You can be sexy, playful, and open in a partnership without compromising your boundaries, so if you find that they disagree, look for someone who does. Kindly explain to your romantic interest that even though you’re interested in them, you are only comfortable having sex if they’re committed to you exclusively. Be honest and emphasize that it’s about your needs. [4]
    • Example: “You’re a great guy, and I really appreciate the times we’ve had together, but I really value sexclusivity. I don’t think things will work out with us.”
    • Example: “I appreciate the time we’ve had together, but I need sexual exclusivity in a relationship. I don’t think this is going to work between us. I hope there are no hard feelings!”
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Section 4 of 5:

Signs You Should Be Sexclusive

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  1. 1
    You want a relationship before sex. If you’re the type of person who values connection over physicality and prefers to be in a relationship before jumping in bed with someone, you may want to try sexclusivity the next time you start talking to someone. Sexclusivity can weed out people who are only dating for sex so you’re more likely to find someone on the same page as you.
    • Dating coach JT Tran says that if you want to be exclusive, discuss that with the person you’re pursuing rather than assuming that things are automatically exclusive.
  2. 2
    The people you’re talking to only seem to want sex. If all the people you’ve been talking to lately only seem to be interested in getting in your pants instead of getting to know you, consider bringing up sexclusivity in future partnerships or situationships . Even if you’re okay with having sex before you begin a relationship, being sexclusive allows you to build genuine intimacy through understanding, openness, and support. [5]
  3. 3
    You’re only comfortable with sex after getting to know the person. If the only time you’re willing to have sex is after going on a few dates and gradually growing closer to someone, sexclusivity might be for you. Expressing that you want to practice sexclusivity will help you find partners who want to get to know you, and implementing it can help you grow those connections before things get steamy.
  4. 4
    You don’t want to risk any sexually transmitted diseases or infections. In addition to providing emotional and sexual security, exclusive relationships also provide medical security by helping prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). [6] Being sexclusive can help you stay safe by limiting your sexual contact to one partner.
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Section 5 of 5:

Approaching Sexclusivity in Polyamorous Relationships

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  1. 1
    Practice polyfidelity if you want to be sexclusive with multiple partners. Polyfidelity is sexual exclusivity between a specific group of partners. It resembles a closed group marriage since everyone only has sex with those involved, and no one else. Whereas standard polyamory can sometimes cause anxiety when there’s a lack of communication, polyfidelity sets clear boundaries in the relationship from the start. [7]
    • Most polyfidelitous groups require members to get tested for sexually transmitted infections before having sex with anyone in the group.
    • If you’re in a polyamorous relationship and want to close things off to new members, approach your partners and ask if they’d be willing to have a conversation about considering polyfidelity.
      • Example: “Hey, I was wondering if you would be willing to talk about the status of our relationship? I’m not going anywhere, I just wanted to see how you all felt about polyfidelity.”
  2. 2
    Try polyaffectivity to maintain sexual exclusivity with one person. Polyaffectivity is when you’re sexually exclusive with one partner while maintaining emotional intimacy and sexual platonic relationships with another partner or partners. So, if you prefer having sex with one person but still want to build relationships with other partners, bring up polyaffectivity to your partner(s) and see how they’d feel about it. [8]
    • Example: “I was wondering if you’d be interested in talking about our boundaries when you get the chance? I want to remain sexually exclusive, but I’m still interested in keeping our relationship emotionally open.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.flourishtogether.com/dating/4-wrong-reasons-to-sleep-with-a-man.html
      2. ↑ https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/dating-relationship-advice-exclusive-b2013551.html
      3. ↑ https://www.maxim.com/maxim-man/pros-and-cons-casual-sex/
      4. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-tell-someone-youre-not-looking-for-a-relationship/
      5. ↑ https://lovelifeinsights.com/signs-he-just-wants-sex-from-you/
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/symptoms-causes/syc-20351240
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201907/sexuality-in-polyamorous-relationships
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201907/sexuality-in-polyamorous-relationships

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