What Does Fragile Masculinity Mean, and Why Is It a Problem?

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Exploring the signs, causes, and solutions of fragile masculinity
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Whether they realize it or not, almost every man has had a run-in with fragile masculinity. It’s what happens when someone tells you to “man up” or that “boys don’t cry.” It’s everywhere, and it’s about time we talk about it. So let’s talk about it! We’ll break down exactly what fragile masculinity is and why it’s a problem. Then, we’ll give you signs of fragile masculinity to look for in yourself and others, and helpful ways to move past those signs to make the world a more open-minded and easier place to live.

Understanding Fragile Masculinity

Men’s relationship coach David Chambers sees fragile masculinity as a way of performing masculinity to adhere to society’s rules for what a man should be. Someone with fragile masculinity might suppress emotions other than anger and lust, act excessively aggressive, or try to take control of every situation.

Section 1 of 4:

What is fragile masculinity?

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  1. The term describes the mindset of certain men who believe that others will think less of them if they don't display qualities traditionally thought of as “manly.” This might involve acting “tough,” dressing a certain way, and many other behaviors people think of as masculine. Many men go to great lengths to stick to these behaviors, and sometimes come off as desperate or insecure in the process. In a nutshell, they feel that their masculinity is fragile and must be protected.
    • In addition, some men fear being seen as too feminine, or even gay, which pushes them further toward a harmful ideal of masculinity.
    • Example: “He said he wouldn’t wear pink because it’s a girly color. I think he’s got some fragile masculinity.”
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Section 2 of 4:

What’s wrong with fragile masculinity?

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  1. Men often feel pressured to appear masculine, but the version of masculinity they strive toward tends to be toxic or unhealthy. This version of masculinity promotes repressing emotions, denying tenderness, and always working to “win.” [1] These mindsets, however, lead to poor psychological health or even abusive behavior toward others. Men with fragile masculinity might limit their own clothing choices, discriminate or mock those who don’t appear “masculine,” or have negative opinions of women in general.
    • For example, the phrase “boys don’t cry” encourages young men to be stoic and not show their emotions, but this stoicism often leads to stunted emotional intelligence, poor communication, or even depression in men who practice it. [2]
    • Also, research shows that men who value a certain concept of masculinity are more likely to respond with aggression or even violence when they feel that their masculinity is being doubted or threatened.
  2. Fragile masculinity centers traditionally masculine men as leaders or high-status individuals. When someone buys into this way of thinking, they’re more likely to view women, LGBT people, or anyone who doesn’t adhere to that idea of masculinity as inferior. Studies show that this attitude leads to harassment and even violence against women and LGBT people, both online and in person. [3]
    • Also, people who don’t fit into a traditional view of masculinity tend to be ostracized or mocked, even when many of these people are men themselves.
  3. While women have made progress in the workplace, men still dominate leadership positions. In professional settings, “masculine” traits like stoicism or competitiveness are rewarded, especially when displayed by men, which tends to leave women and LGBT people, or just any man who doesn’t display those traits, behind or looked over for promotions. [4] Diverse voices are often ignored in favor of those that promote a masculine workplace culture.
    • Anyone who doesn’t fit into the “boy’s club” culture of a toxic workplace might either be left out of functions outside of work, mocked, or pressured to change their own behavior to fit an unhealthy masculine ideal.
    • In addition, men with fragile masculinity are more likely to mistreat or deny help to their coworkers. They also might take unnecessary risks or even sabotage others or the company itself to bolster their own status.
  4. It’s no secret that men often steer and direct politics, but even (or especially) men in positions of power are vulnerable to the pitfalls of toxic masculinity. One study shows that men whose masculinity was questioned in a research trial were more likely to support certain wars. Some political commentators suggest that fragile masculinity might be to blame for the lack of climate legislation, theorizing that male politicians might deny climate change because they don’t want to acknowledge it as a threat to their power. [5]
    • Fragile masculinity is a human problem, and at the end of the day politicians are human, too. But when a person in power adheres to a strict set of gender ideologies, it can spell trouble for the people they hold power over.
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Section 3 of 4:

Signs of Fragile Masculinity

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  1. In many cultures, men are told over and over again that “real mean” aren’t vulnerable. As a result, they often think that showing softer emotions like tenderness, grief, or even gratitude as emasculating, or that people who do show these emotions are somehow inferior. But the truth is that these emotions are universal, and there’s nothing shameful about showing them.
    • That said, some men are just shy or don’t feel comfortable with vulnerability for reasons other than that they have a fragile masculinity. Just because a man shows signs of fragile masculinity, it doesn’t mean that it’s the problem.
  2. Men who want to secure their status or place in the male hierarchy tend to view women as sexual conquests. To them, sex is an achievement or a sign that they’re desirable, rather than an intimate connection between partners. In addition, talking about women as objects or bragging about sexual encounters is often a sign of fragile masculinity.
    • Also, men with a fragile sense of masculinity often struggle to connect or communicate with their sexual or romantic partners, since they often view sex or romance as something that bolsters their own status rather than a mutual act. [6]
    • Of course, promiscuity isn’t automatically a morally wrong thing, nor is it a surefire sign that a man devalues women. For some, sex is just fun, and they can still respect their partners while enjoying it.
  3. When a man who’s insecure in his masculinity is questioned or has his masculinity doubted, he often becomes irritable or hostile. To him, aggressive behavior is “proof” that he’s a real man, and so he responds to opposition with force in order to prove his worth or his place in the hierarchy.
    • This aggression might be verbal or physical, but in either case, these men prefer a confrontation over a level-headed or open conversation about their behavior.
  4. Traditional masculinity isn’t just a kind of behavior, it’s an aesthetic, too. It tells men that that certain clothing, colors, or products are feminine or unmanly, like the color pink or certain deodorant fragrances. [7] Often, men will avoid these kinds of things for fear of being seen as feminine or even gay, opting instead for typically masculine aesthetics or products.
    • The list of things that are “too feminine” is long—certain cocktails, short shorts, nail polish, etc. The result is that men are often forced into a box by their own masculinity, and choose to stay there, which is just another way it hurts them.
  5. Many men view themselves as the breadwinner or primary supporter of the family, while believing it’s the woman’s job to take care of the home or raise children. To them, housework is just another feminine quality they’d rather avoid. In addition, he might believe that women are meant to be submissive or demure, while the man takes charge.
    • These men also tend to hold prejudices against gay men or other LGBT people, since these people fall outside of his view of masculinity and engaging with them might threaten his own status as a man.
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Section 4 of 4:

Addressing Fragile Masculinity

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  1. Examine how you think of masculinity and what it means to be a “man,” even if you think you’ve got healthy ideas about gender. [8] The thing about those pesky societal norms is that they tend to seep into our thinking, whether we’re aware of it or not, just because they’re always there and other people are thinking them, too. By questioning your own ideals every now and then, you’re more likely to form more complex and evolving viewpoints.
    • Ask yourself: What does being a man mean to me? What’s a healthy way to perform masculinity? Does my concept of masculinity hurt anyone?
    • Also, any time you come across what you think is toxic or fragile masculinity, take a moment to analyze it and find out why you think that, so that you can be sure to avoid that behavior in the future.
  2. Fragile masculinity tends to trap its victims by isolating them alongside people who are also insecure in their masculinity, which feeds into the cycle. Surround yourself with different kinds of people—men, women, LGBT people, people of different races, etc.—to help you expand your own thinking and learn how to be kind and courteous to a range of other people. [9]
    • Next time you go out with friends, invite someone new along. Or, ask an acquaintance or a coworker you want to know better to hang out, and encourage them to bring their own friends. Broadening your horizons is just a matter of getting to know new people.
  3. Young men are constantly on the lookout for people who tell them how to live, or how to be a “real man.” Often, we hold onto role models we thought were good when we were younger, but who don’t hold up to scrutiny. Instead, look for a role model who prioritizes kindness and understanding. Be wary of anyone who tells you that there’s only one way to be a real man. [10]
    • The best role models are often people who are close to us. Think: Is there anyone in your life you admire for reasons other than their gender? How can you emulate their own behaviors? Can you reach out to them for advice?
  4. You can’t dictate who’s friends with who, but you can strive to bring your professional team closer together, which helps break down gendered barriers. Hold weekly social hours with refreshments, or poll your coworkers for where they might want to hang out after work. In addition, establish a firm company mission to unite your team, and make it clear that your workplace is about collaboration, not competition. [11]
    • For example, rather than rewarding individual workers for a job well done, reward the entire team with things like extended breaks, complimentary food, or bonuses when the company does well.
    • Also, strive to compliment each and every employee regularly, emphasizing that each person brings their own strengths to the team, regardless of gender, so that your workplace feels more positive and comfortable.
  5. If someone close to you displays harmful signs of fragile masculinity, have a private conversation with them about it. Avoid divisive, political, or accusatory language, which tends to be unproductive in these kinds of talks. [12] Instead, ask them why they said what they said or did what they did, and gently explain how it hurt you or someone else.
    • For example, if someone is speaking disrespectfully about women, pull them aside (or message them later) and say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I don’t think it was a great way to talk about another person. Can I ask you why you said that?”
    • Remain calm and nonconfrontational, and work to resolve the behavior, not the person.
  6. Gender is a tricky subject even today, and there’s still so much more for us to learn. But just because some forms of masculinity are toxic or unhealthy doesn’t mean that all forms are bad. [13] Use your role as a man as an opportunity to be kind to other people and support them.
    • Strive to display the better traits of masculinity, like courage, loyalty, or charity, instead of the more negative traits, like ruthless competition or prejudice toward people you think might be “unmanly.”
    • Positive masculinity might also take the form of spending time with your family or even embracing your feminine side.
  7. One of the biggest aspects of fragile masculinity is the idea that men can’t be sensitive. [14] But the truth is that we all need to open up and be vulnerable every now and then, or we risk letting our emotions get the better of us.
    • If you feel overwhelmed or isolated, reach out to a trusted friend and say something like, “Hey, I’ve been feeling weird lately, can I talk to you about something?”
    • If someone approaches you for help, don’t hesitate to lend an ear. Be a good listener by hearing them out and asking lots of earnest questions. When people feel like they can confide in you, you’re well on your way to being a force for positive masculinity.
  8. The issue of masculinity and societal pressures is just that: societal. It’s bigger than any of us as individuals. The good news is that you don’t have to face it alone. Talk to a therapist about how you feel about your own masculinity, or that of the people around you. [15] Or, join a support group for men, where you can freely talk about issues men face in society without fear of judgment.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-sex-and-relationships/202103/what-is-toxic-masculinity
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/men-at-a-crossroads/202008/learning-to-be-a-man-without-masculinity
      3. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/341460103_Fragile_Masculinity_Men_Gender_and_Online_Harassment
      4. ↑ https://www.reimaginegender.org/insights/masculinity-at-work
      5. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/aps.1638
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201911/masculine-sensitivity-a-cure-for-toxic-masculinity
      7. ↑ https://www.latimes.com/fashion/alltherage/la-ar-masculinity-fragile-20150923-htmlstory.html
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201911/masculine-sensitivity-a-cure-for-toxic-masculinity
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201911/masculine-sensitivity-a-cure-for-toxic-masculinity
      1. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2023/03/15/1163667777/gender-what-is-masculinity-manhood
      2. ↑ https://www.reimaginegender.org/insights/masculinity-at-work
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-purpose/202107/10-rules-for-a-modern-masculinity
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-minds-boys-and-girls/201901/masculinity-is-not-our-enemy
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201911/masculine-sensitivity-a-cure-for-toxic-masculinity
      6. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2023/03/15/1163667777/gender-what-is-masculinity-manhood
      7. ↑ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/05/18/716350714/wheres-masculinity-headed-mens-groups-and-therapists-are-talking

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