Advice for Newlyweds: How to Have a Successful Marriage

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Everything you need to know to be a loving, happy spouse
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Almost nothing compares to the monumental moment of tying the knot and getting married, but what comes next? How are you supposed to navigate the journey? What should you know to get the best out of your relationship and ensure your marriage stays strong? To answer these questions and more, we sat down with professional relationship coach Luis Congdon and marriage therapist Elvina Lui, MFT to get the most important advice every newlywed couple needs.

Marriage Advice for Newlyweds

  • Take time out of every day to connect and communicate with your spouse.
  • How you two fight matters a lot. Always be respectful, avoid name-calling, and remember it’s “us vs. the problem.”
  • Always support your spouse and do your best to assume they mean the best.
  • Relationship coach Luis Congdon emphasizes that radical honesty and vulnerability are the cornerstones of any fulfilling marriage. [1]
1

Make communication a priority.

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  1. You and your spouse must talk every day. Talk about things that upset you, things that bring you joy—just talk! When you need to have tough conversations, don’t shy away or put it off. Congdon says that you should talk about the problem openly, honestly, and with empathy. [2]
    • Marriage is a lot like flying a plane. Picture your marriage as an airplane. You and your partner are co-pilots. Before you make rapid maneuvers, turn the plane, or declare an emergency, talk to your partner!
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2

Remember it’s “us vs. the problem.”

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  1. You are not in competition with your partner. Lui says, “In hardship, band together and be good teammates. If you do this successfully, hardships will strengthen the relationship. In the face of external pressures, never ever blame or take out frustration on each other.” [3]
    • Avoid emphasizing blame, even when someone deserves it. The iconic journalist Robert Quillen famously said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” [4]
    • Even if your partner did forget to pay the credit card bill and now you’re spending extra money on fees, they don’t need you reminding them over and over again how big of a mistake they made. Learn to be graceful in the face of their mistakes.
3

Be your partner’s biggest fan.

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  1. Really embed this principle deep in your soul so that you’re genuinely cheering them on at all times. Talk them up to other people, too! Their accomplishments and feats are something for you to celebrate and revel in. [5]
    • Fight the urge to “compare” yourself to your partner. This tends to be especially hard for some men when their wives are more successful or earn more money than they do, but it’s really important that you never behave like you’re in competition. Your partner’s success is also yours!
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4

Plan for the future and work towards your goals.

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  1. Marriage is the perfect time to work towards your life goals together. For a lot of younger people, finding “the one” and getting married is a major life goal. But what comes next? Before getting married, you likely talked to your partner about the future and made sure you were on the same page regarding your goals and values. But now is the time to develop a plan and to make your vision of the next 10, 20, or even 50 years a reality, together! [6]
    • Long-term goals help make tiny problems feel as small as they should. You’re much less likely to get into a serious fight over something trivial if you two have a shared vision for the future. The little things matter a lot less when there are big things on the horizon!
5

Be vulnerable—even when it’s hard.

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  1. Being vulnerable means that you’re honest about your insecurities, fears, anxieties, and worries. The thing is, nobody wants to seem desperate or “uncool” and sharing vulnerable stuff can make you feel that way! But you have to trust that your partner has enough respect and admiration for you that they’re not going to judge you. That icky, uncomfortable, vulnerable stuff is important for them to know! [7]
    • Lui says that “if you still find it hard to bring yourself to be vulnerable, it is possible that you have deeper issues around intimacy, perhaps you have been hurt before and it is hard for you to be vulnerable. You can go to a therapist to specifically address and resolve this issue.” [8]
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6

Create new traditions together.

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  1. Marriage makes you family, and families need their own traditions! You can carry over important traditions from your families, but come up with at least one new ritual! Congdon suggests the following: “As newlyweds, you have a great opportunity to create traditions together. Quite often, each partner will have different backgrounds and have different ideas of what they want from the holidays." [9]
    • He continues: "A good way to begin a marriage is by creating fun holiday memories that are specific to the two of you. Take time to talk about your traditions and then find ways to incorporate what each of you wants.” [10]
7

Be radically honest.

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  1. If you’ve ever lied to partners in the past, get out of the habit now. Extreme honesty is the only way you make decades of marriage work. Lui explains that “it is healthier to be open rather than hiding your feelings. It is common that people choose to hide their feelings because they want to avoid conflict and rejection at all costs, but doing this sabotages your chances at happiness.” [11]
    • This doesn’t mean you have to share every negative thought. Being radically honest is not code for “say mean things because they’re on your mind.”
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8

Try new things in the bedroom.

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  1. It's common for things to get stale eventually, but you can do something about it! Congdon explains that the crazy and passionate sex won’t last forever, and that’s totally okay and normal. Sometimes sex will be a little boring. He goes on, “Boredom in marriage happens. One way to keep the spark alive in your marriage is to do new things together. Research shows that when couples do new and novel activities together, they actually spark parts of the brain that only fire when you first fall in love.” [12]
9

Compromise whenever possible.

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  1. Whether it’s figuring out what you’re going to have for dinner or discussing whether it’s a good time to save up for a house, always try to find the option that everyone is going to be happy with. If you always seek to make choices together where both of you are going to win, you’ll give yourselves a phenomenal chance at having an incredibly happy marriage. [13]
    • The key words in “seek compromise whenever possible” are “whenever possible.” If you have a hard boundary or a non-negotiable, don’t compromise over it. There’s no compromising over what type of insults are acceptable in an argument, or when it’s okay to physically strike one another (the answer to that is never!).
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10

Ignore the urge to compare your relationship to others.

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  1. Every marriage is different, so don’t let other marriages influence you. Some couples like to combine all of their finances, while others keep a separate account for personal “play” money. Some marriages have long breaks where one partner works abroad and the other stays home. Some marriages have kids, others don’t. There’s no “right” way to do it, so long as you’re both respectful, honest, and love another, so don’t let other marriages ruin yours! [14]
11

Don’t let other people into your relationship.

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  1. Lui says that when your friends or family members talk about what you’re doing wrong or what you should be doing, just ignore them and ask for a little trust. She explains, “Ask them to trust you on this, and that you will keep their warnings and comments in mind. Do not debate them on how they are wrong about your partner, do not give them examples of how your partner isn't the way they think, because this invites a debate. You actually do not need to debate them and that is in fact the least productive direction for this to go.” [15]
    • This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek out advice when you need it, just that your relationship shouldn’t be subject to the whims of other people’s influence.
    • In-laws are not an exception to this rule. If one (or both) of you have some frustrating in-laws who like to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, you two must be on the same page about the boundary!
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12

Fight fair and with gloves on.

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  1. Never, ever punch below the belt when things get heated. Every marriage will have fights. In fact, every healthy marriage should have fights. But that doesn’t mean you get to say anything under the sun when you’re arguing with your partner. Do not reach deep into the darkest parts of your memory to pull out some really hurtful insult when things get tough. Keep things respectful and remember you’re talking to someone you love. [16]
    • You will eventually fix the problem, but you can’t unsay the words you speak when you’re angry. No matter what the issue is, there is a solution. But there’s no going back if you say something truly heinous and hurtful in a passionate moment of anger. They’ll always remember what you said.
13

Set time aside for one another.

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  1. It can be kind of easy to find yourself falling into autopilot after a few months or years, so it’s important that you make your marriage a priority. Share calendars and go out of your way to make sure there’s always time for the two of you to connect every week, ideally on a romantic date.
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14

Take “for better or worse” literally.

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  1. When things get hard, never take it out on your partner. Lui says, “If your spouse has career problems, or even gets fired, instead of blaming them, please be empathetic. Even if they make mistakes, that is your sweetheart, and if they can't get empathy from you, they are completely alone in this. This is actually the moment they need you the most.” [18]
    • Your partner will make mistakes, but so will you. Nobody is perfect, and your ability to showcase a little grace and acceptance when your partner messes up is essential. You’d want the same thing from them if you goofed.
15

Make time for yourself.

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  1. If you have hobbies, relationships, and projects that you care about, set time aside for them. Your partner doesn’t have to be involved in every single thing you spend your time on and vice versa. It’s healthy and normal for the two of you to have things you enjoy doing on your own. [19]
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16

Assume the best.

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  1. Remember that your partner is not out to get you. Every once in a while, your partner will do something that seems really irresponsible, mean, or confusing. Do your best to remind yourself that your partner has the exact same positive feelings for you as you do for them. If you’re in a healthy marriage, they are not going out of their way to hurt you, even if it doesn’t seem like it. [20]
    • As an example, say you ask your partner to take the trash out before they come up to bed. You wake up the next day and see the trash hasn’t been taken out. As much as it might feel like they’re intentionally ignoring you, the odds are much better that they just simply forgot.
17

Be open to change.

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  1. Marriage is forever, and the odds that you and your partner are going to be the exact same people at the end of the ride as you are today are basically nil. Accept your partner as they grow and change over the years, and don’t fight the journey on your end, either. [21]
    • Change is part of the fun of marriage! How neat is it that you two get to experience all of life’s ups and downs together? You’ll see each other go gray, change careers, and develop new interests and passions. That’s cool! Most people have to do all of that alone, but not you.
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18

Keep your partner on their toes (in a good way).

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  1. Every now and then, do something delightfully unexpected. Show up with a giant teddy bear out of nowhere, buy tickets for the opera and take them out even if you both have never expressed interest in the theatre, or throw on something sexy and try to seduce them in the kitchen on some wayward Monday. Variety is the spice of life, so mix things up and be a little surprising. [22]
19

Split up the chores and keep it equitable.

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  1. Even if one of you is a neat freak and the other one doesn’t mind a little mess, it’s essential that both of you contribute to the household by maintaining it. It’s just a simple way to remind both of you that marriage is a 50-50 deal, and it’s a good way to ensure that nobody feels like they’re in charge of cleaning up after the other person. [23]
    • It’s okay to split the chores up by activity. Don’t worry about each of you doing exactly 50% of every task. Instead, trade chores. If you do the dishes, your partner does the laundry, for example.
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20

Talk about money.

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  1. It’s important to be on the same page financially. Financial issues are one of the most common reasons for divorce, so don’t become a statistic by not discussing your finances together. Set a budget , come up with a savings goal , and start investing in a way that will set the two of you up for financial success. [24]
21

Key decisions require unanimous approval.

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  1. You two probably don’t have to sit down to discuss whether it’s okay for one of you to spend $10 on lunch, but the bigger stuff absolutely needs to be discussed. If there is any disagreement on the way you two solve a bigger problem or tackle a certain goal, do not move forward unless you are both 100% in agreement. [25]
    • For example, say you’re talking about buying a house. You like the third house you saw, but your partner isn’t super confident that the yard is big enough for your two dogs and they want to keep looking. Their “no” vote has 100% veto power here, even if you’re super into the property. This is the best way to prevent serious disagreements or issues.
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22

The first few years matter a lot.

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  1. If you two can handle the first few years, you’ll be able to handle anything. Marriage is an opportunity for you and your partner to hit the reset button and start a new life together. That’s why the initial first few years are so crucial. It’s when you two will get into the rhythm that will dictate what “normal” looks like, so put the effort in and don’t take it easy. Relationships are work, and it’s essential that you put the hours in early on. [26]
    • Around 1 in 4 divorces occur in the first 5 years of marriage, so if you get through that first couple of years, the odds that you two will stick it out go way up. [27]

What Are Your Top Tips for Having a Harmonious Marriage?

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      References

      1. ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.gsdiamonds.com.au/blog/wedding-quotes
      5. ↑ https://relucentpg.com/5-things-couples-do-to-maintain-their-long-term-relationship/
      6. ↑ https://www.radiantmarriage.com/how-to-goal-plan-for-massive-success/
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/trust-and-vulnerability-in-relationships
      8. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://huntingtonsdiseasenews.com/columns/marriage-is-journey-navigated-compromise-understanding/
      5. ↑ https://ccli.org/2017/07/every-marriage-is-unique/
      6. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/202005/fighting-fair-in-love-and-marriage
      8. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/signs-you-need-a-little-me-time
      11. ↑ https://therapytothrive.com/2018/02/28/assuming-the-best-of-your-partner/
      12. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/21/style/modern-love-to-stay-married-embrace-change.html
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201512/20-ways-to-surprise-your-partner
      14. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/09/16/1123560719/splitting-chores-partner-roommate
      15. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4012696/
      16. ↑ https://foundationrestoration.org/2013/08/making-big-decisions-as-a-couple/
      17. ↑ https://familyrealityandjoy.com/first-five-years-of-marriage/
      18. ↑ https://ourworldindata.org/marriages-and-divorces

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