What Is an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships? Signs + Overcoming It

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By Dr. Allison Broennimann, PhD, a licensed Clinical Psychologist with over a decade of experience and a private practice
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A person’s attachment style can affect their relationships, and someone with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and be slow to commit. However, it’s definitely possible to enjoy a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship, and despite what you might have heard, you can change your attachment style later in life. I’m Dr. Allison Broennimann, a Clinical Psychologist licensed by the California Board of Psychology and a member of the American Psychological Association, and in this article, I’m going to discuss how avoidant attachment styles develop , how they can affect relationships , how to overcome an avoidant attachment style , tips for dating someone with avoidant attachment , and more.

How does an avoidant attachment style affect a relationship?

In relationships, someone with an avoidant attachment style may be hyper-independent, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and reluctant to rely on others. This may make them slow to commit, but a thriving relationship with an avoidant person is still possible: they often just need time to learn to trust their partner.

Section 1 of 7:

What is an avoidant attachment style?

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  1. An avoidant attachment style involves discomfort with emotional intimacy in the context of a stressful situation. We as humans are constantly self- and other-regulating, but if you have an insecure attachment style (that is, either anxious or avoidant), you likely have trouble balancing your needs and the needs of other people. When you have difficulty navigating your needs flexibly, you may fall into a rigid pattern of avoidance, meaning you focus primarily on self-regulating, attending to your own needs, and avoiding navigating emotionally stressful situations with other people.
    • What influences your attachment style? Your attachment style may be influenced by various factors, like trauma or past failure, but it often stems from how we were treated as children by our caregivers.
    • In other words, when a child is in need, their instinct is to seek attention from their caregiver(s). But if they’re unable to do this, or if their caregiver is consistently (emotionally and/or physically) unavailable, they may develop an avoidant attachment style.
    • Avoidantly attached people get a bad rap as selfish or uncaring, but this isn’t true! When you think about it, it makes sense that if your attempts to receive help when you sought it as a child consistently failed, you would adapt by learning to meet your own needs and avoid situations that might trigger help-seeking behavior (like emotional attachments).
    • Jump to the section on attachment theory for information on the other attachment styles.
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Section 2 of 7:

Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

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  1. 1
    Reluctance to engage in emotional or physical intimacy The cornerstone of an avoidant attachment is hesitation to cultivate intimacy when in a stressful situation, whether emotional, physical, or both. Someone with an avoidant attachment was conditioned that when they really need them, other people aren’t reliable—that they can’t be trusted, or they won’t stick around for the long haul. [1] This may make them slow to develop emotional or physical attachments to other people, especially when there is emotional stress within a relationship. [2]
  2. 2
    Hyper-independence An avoidantly attached person is often reluctant to rely on others for help because they’ve been taught in their early environment and by past experiences that there is nobody else—they’re all they’ve got when there is a stressful situation and they need to adapt! This may make them extremely (and frustratingly) independent in relationships, even if, deep down, they want a partnership. [3]
  3. 3
    Discomfort expressing feelings Expressing feelings makes us feel vulnerable, and avoidant people don’t want to feel vulnerable, nor do they want to co-regulate with another person when they need support—and the last thing an avoidant person wants is to need something from others and have to tolerate that need not being met, because they’ve learned from their past experiences that those needs won’t be met. [4]
    • This may make it hard to draw an avoidant partner out in a relationship when there is an emotionally stressful situation, even if they really do want to open up to you. [5]
  4. 4
    Dismissive attitude towards the needs of others For many avoidant people, they’re responsible for their own needs, and you’re responsible for yours. While it’s technically true that we’re all responsible for meeting our own needs and regulating our own emotions, an avoidant person may be dismissive of the wants and needs of other people—including romantic partners—and not support them in their efforts to fulfill those wants and needs. [6]
    • Remember, avoidance is a product of self-regulation. It stems from a lack of trust in your own abilities to co-regulate with someone else when you are trying to adapt to a stressful situation or figure something out.
  5. 5
    Difficulty trusting others If someone has an avoidant attachment style, they’ve probably learned that they can’t rely on other people to have their needs met, and so they won't let themselves surrender to trusting others. Though they may want to trust other people, especially romantic partners, their history may have taught them that people will not prioritize their needs and that they can only turn to themselves for support.
    • They may also be constantly on edge and waiting for trouble to occur, because they feel that if it does, they’re the only ones who can do anything. [7]
    • In this way, avoidant people can actually be something of an asset, because in a stressful situation, they can set aside their feelings more easily and do what needs to be done to keep themselves and others safe.
  6. 6
    Difficulty committing to a relationship Avoidantly attached people may happily and eagerly enter into relationships, but because they’re so independent and slow to trust, they may pull back from the depths of intimacy. They may want to jump ship when the relationship is challenged with growth, or when they and their partner experience their first emotionally stressful situation. But this doesn’t mean avoidant people can’t or don’t want to commit, or that they don’t love their partners—they’re just very afraid, deep down, of their own uncertainty about what might happen if they solidify an emotional attachment.
    • Remember that just because an avoidant person doesn’t trust easily , it doesn’t mean they can’t trust at all —it just takes time and repeated evidence that their partner is reliable and that they’re not going to abandon them when they need support. They may also require more time to process their emotions during or after a stressful event.
  7. 7
    Tendency toward solitude Avoidantly attached people often feel they can’t turn to others for support, or even trust others. This may make them feel as if they’re only truly safe when they’re by themselves. They may struggle to fully relax around other people. [8]
    • This doesn’t mean avoidant people don’t know how to socialize or be friendly toward others. Many of them are—and many of them want to be more social; they just have a hard time feeling comfortable around people.
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Section 3 of 7:

Impact of an Avoidant Attachment Style on Relationships

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  1. 1
    An avoidant attachment style can make it more difficult to maintain a deep, close relationship when the relationship is faced with challenges. Because avoidant people tend to be hyper-independent, they may find it hard to cultivate intimacy and commit to a relationship. This being said, it’s not true that avoidant people don’t want to be in relationships or that they’re not capable of it—it usually just takes time for them to open up and learn to trust their partner during times of stress.
    • This nuance can be very challenging: on the one hand, avoidant people are often great at responding to stressful situations in every way except for emotionally. They often need time to process their emotions during or after high-stress situations, which can be very confusing for their partners.
    • Through time and effort, good communication, and strong boundaries (for both partners), an avoidant person has a high chance of understanding and overcoming their avoidant behavior and enjoying a thriving, intimate relationship.
    • An avoidant person may also benefit from working with a trained therapist to unpack past events that may influence them to adopt rigid avoidant behavioral patterns.
  2. 2
    An avoidant person may sabotage a relationship to feel safer in some cases. They may do this because they’re not used to having someone else consider their needs before, and they may not trust that their needs can be respected in a stressful situation. An intimate relationship will force an avoidant person to face their own emotional needs, but if they’ve never had their emotional needs reflected back to them by anyone before, the vulnerability and possibility of disappointment can be excruciating for them.
    • They may reinforce their hyper-independence by sabotaging (probably unconsciously) their relationship, rather than face the pain and vulnerability of not knowing themselves emotionally. They may distance themselves from their partner, emotionally disengage from the relationship, or just ghost their partner.
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Section 4 of 7:

How to Overcome an Avoidant Attachment Style

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  1. 1
    Make a habit of checking in with your own emotions. Believe it or not, we’re unconsciously attuning to the emotions of others every 1/28th of a second! But making an effort to be more conscious of it can help you regulate your emotions and keep you from becoming avoidant (or anxious!). Becoming more aware of what you’re feeling and what’s triggering it can help you better understand where your avoidant behavior is coming from, so you can overcome it.
    • I recommend doing what I call microattunements : when you’re feeling stressed, shut down, or panicky, ask yourself these questions: “How am I doing right now? What am I feeling? What emotion is that feeling connected to? Which one of my social, emotional, or physical needs is not being met?”
    • It’s all about trading “fight, flight, or freeze” for “feelings, emotions, and needs.” Usually, if you’re feeling lost or ungrounded, know that there are two or three layers to the situation, and your feelings are just the signal that something is amiss.
    • Diving into your emotions is hard, but it can help you uncover what you really need so you can stop turning to avoidant behavior as a coping mechanism. If it becomes a rigid pattern, it inhibits your personal growth.
  2. 2
    Identify triggers that may make you feel more avoidant. Avoidant behavior is more likely to surface when you’re in a situation where you feel unsafe emotionally or physically, but being able to identify what scenarios make you feel threatened can help you manage your reaction to them. Typical triggers for an avoidant person might include:
    • Your partner pressuring you for physical or emotional intimacy
    • Your partner trying to get you to open up
    • Feeling pressure to rely on others
    • Feeling smothered by the relationship
    • Feeling vulnerable
    • Losing your independence
    • Unpredictability or a lack of control
  3. 3
    Take regular personal space. Avoidant people tend to need a lot of alone time, and not only is this something that likely won’t ever be “fixed,” it’s not really a problem unless you’re dating someone who expects to spend a lot of time together (which is also valid!). So if you’re avoidant, carve out regular time to yourself—a few hours a day or week, whatever you find yourself needing. It can help you feel more grounded, centered, and independent.
    • The need for space in a relationship can cause tensions to escalate, but taking time for yourself when you need it can help alleviate some of the pressure.
    • Communicate your needs and expectations with your partner—let them know you need some space, but that you’ll be back later, rather than just disappearing.
  4. 4
    Find social support as you navigate your avoidant habits. Asking for help is hard for many avoidants to do, but in my opinion, cultivating a safe support group is paramount for overcoming an insecure attachment style. Being with other people—especially people who know what you’re struggling with—can help you learn what many securely attached people learned as children: that you’re capable of meeting your own needs by asking for support from others.
    • Navigating avoidant behavior is easier to do among people who will lovingly hold you accountable.
    • You might find the social support and accountability you need to thrive via local religious groups or community support groups, or even alongside friends who are working to overcome the same insecurities.
  5. 5
    Practice being vulnerable around others. If you’re avoidant, it can be terrifying to rely on other people, and you may even look for reasons not to trust them. You may over-focus on what’s “wrong” with people and why they’re not reliable or competent. But intentionally engaging in situations where you’re forced to rely on others can help you practice overcoming avoidant behavior.
    • You don’t have to start with any grand gestures—you can start small.
    • For instance, if you’re at a restaurant, and you feel uncomfortable being served by someone and cared for, challenge yourself not to critique the server (even in your head) and to leave a big tip for them (I know you may not believe tipping for care is necessary!).
  6. 6
    See a therapist. A trained therapist may be able to help you unpack your avoidant behavior, including any past experiences that may have caused you to fall into a pattern of dealing with emotional intimacy or insecurity with avoidance. They’ll also offer support and encouragement as you navigate your way forward into new, healthier coping mechanisms.
    • Remember, when you find yourself responding to certain situations with avoidance, it means something's getting acted out in your social survival strategies over and over again. You’re likely responding to past pain, and until that pain can be worked with and worked through, the pattern will repeat itself. I know it's painful, but underneath that pain is grief.
    • If you’re unable (or hesitant) to see a therapist, start out by working alongside a trusted friend—maybe even someone who’s working through similar problems. Accountability and social support are some of the best ways to overcome unhealthy behavioral patterns.
    • When you’re ready to find a therapist in your area, check out Psychology Today ’s therapist locator —it’s a great resource!
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Section 5 of 7:

Dating Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style

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  1. 1
    Learn more about your own attachment style. If you don’t already know what your attachment style is , observing how you self- and other-regulate can help you understand your and your partner’s dynamic a little better. This can make it easier for you to identify your and your partner’s separate needs so that you can both support one another while maintaining responsibility for your own well-being. [9]
  2. 2
    Maintain firm boundaries. Everyone messes up and needs to be shown grace—this is one reason relationships can be so fulfilling: a good partner will cheer you on and help you grow as a person. But they’ll do this without sacrificing their own needs or taking on responsibility for your growth. Dating someone with avoidant habits will involve sticking to your boundaries and gently redirecting them when they go off course or try to pressure you to take on responsibility for their emotions.
  3. 3
    Extend grace when they mess up. Your partner may be actively working to overcome their avoidant behavior, but they’re probably not going to do it in a day. One of the kindest things you can do is let them make a mistake now and then.
    • It can help to remember that when people behave avoidantly, it’s usually their own pain that they’re responding to and trying to avoid.
    • Of course, extending grace doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. If you find yourself regularly sacrificing your own needs for the sake of your partner’s comfort, or if they show themselves to be unable or unwilling to compromise and meet you in the middle, it may not be worth continuing the relationship.
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Section 6 of 7:

What are attachment styles?

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  1. 1
    Attachment theory describes how we form emotional bonds in relationships. At every moment, we are balancing our needs, motives, and realities with the needs, motives, and realities of everyone around us. Attachment is a tool of social survival: how can we find a middle ground where everyone is able to have their needs met, and everyone feels confident being vulnerable and in touch with what they need?
    • Attachment is a tool for social survival: without a healthy attachment to others, it would be harder for us to live in harmony with them and feel connected.
  2. 2
    The 3 primary attachment styles are avoidant, anxious, and secure. When we’re securely attached , we have a more or less balanced understanding of ourselves as one “self” and other people as their own “selves,” each with our own separate—but valid—wants, needs, and experiences. We understand that each person is responsible for meeting their own needs—but when we’re insecurely attached , we tend to overly self- or other-regulate. When we’re insecurely attached, we end up either prioritizing our own needs (this would be an avoidant attachment) or the needs of the other person (this would be an anxious attachment).
    • Regardless of whether you’ve got an anxious or avoidant attachment type, insecure attachments usually form from a sense of shame at having needs and believing you’re unable to meet them.
      • Someone with an avoidant attachment may not trust other people to meet their needs and may avoid emotional intimacy with others.
      • On the other hand, someone with an anxious attachment may believe they don’t deserve to have their needs met but that nobody else will meet them.
      • In both cases, the individual is placing the responsibility to meet their needs on another person. Of course, in the end, only we, ourselves, are responsible for meeting our needs.
    • We often divide “anxious” and “avoidant” attachments into separate categories, but in reality, they’re two sides of the same coin, and insecurely attached people often move back and forth from one to the other in an attempt to find homeostasis (or security!).
      • For instance, you might be more anxious in one relationship and more avoidant in another—it just depends on how our intuition and our emotional defense mechanisms are operating in different dynamics!
  3. 3
    Attachment theory really only applies to a caregiver and caregivee. In my opinion, attachment theory is more complex than the internet gives it credit for! We often use the language of attachment theory to describe relationships between adults, but in reality, true insecure attachment only applies to one person in a position of power over another—like a parent and a child, or a doctor and a patient. In adult relationships, each party is, ideally, capable of meeting their own needs while honoring the needs of their partner.
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Section 7 of 7:

Frequently Asked Questions about Avoidant Attachment Styles

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  1. 1
    Are attachment styles permanent? No. We often talk about attachment styles as if they’re one-and-done, and while the first few months and years of life are foundational in how we learn to attach to others, our attachment styles are constantly shifting with each new situation and in each new dynamic.
    • This being said, I think it’s pretty common to get stuck in a pattern of insecure (anxious and/or avoidant) behavior, or to get into a relationship with someone whose insecure behavior dictates how the relationship goes.
  2. 2
    Should I date someone with an avoidant attachment style? That depends. I’d say it’s best not to date an avoidant person if you find yourself sacrificing your own needs for the sake of theirs. Your intuition will typically tell you if something in the relationship is off—so trust your intuition!
    • Remember, none of the different attachment styles are “good” or “bad,” and most of us experience anxiety or avoidance at some point or another. But if your partner is allowing their avoidant behavior to control the relationship, you may need to self-reflect on whether it’s a good match.
  3. 3
    How do you know what your attachment style is? A professional psychologist can evaluate you and offer insight into what your attachment style is, but you can also determine what it might be by observing what types of relationships you tend to gravitate towards and how you tend to feel about your partners: do you often find yourself taking on responsibility for your partner’s happiness, or make them responsible for yours? Or do you see you and your partner as separate individuals, each with your own valid wants and needs?
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      References

      1. ↑ https://pvrticka.com/attachment-myth-busting/
      2. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/the-four-attachment-styles-in-a-relationship
      3. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/the-four-attachment-styles-in-a-relationship
      4. ↑ https://pvrticka.com/attachment-myth-busting/
      5. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/the-four-attachment-styles-in-a-relationship
      6. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/the-four-attachment-styles-in-a-relationship
      7. ↑ https://pvrticka.com/attachment-myth-busting/
      8. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/the-four-attachment-styles-in-a-relationship
      9. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life

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