The Burned Haystack Dating Method: Rules, Effectiveness & More

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Plus, learn about other popular & unique dating methods
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The burned haystack method is a way to filter dating app matches by blocking the ones that don't meet your expectations. Dating apps are extremely popular, but that means that sifting through matches to find the right person can be tough. The burned haystack method helps slim down your matches to people you’re more likely to be compatible with. In this article, we explain how the method works , whether or not it's effective , and more, with the help of various dating coaches.

Burned Haystack Dating Method: What Is It?

The burned haystack dating method is a technique founded by writer and English professor, Jennie Young. It involves blocking potential matches if they don’t meet your expectations. The method is based on the idea that the fastest way to find a needle in a haystack (i.e. a partner) is to burn the haystack down!

Section 1 of 5:

What is the burned haystack dating method?

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  1. This method involves blocking anyone who doesn't meet your expectations. Rather than casually swiping on every match, the burned haystack method involves selectively swiping on people who align with your values and blocking anyone who doesn’t. The method is typically used on dating apps to help users more effectively filter through matches and find the right person for them. [1]
    • The method is based on the idea that the fastest way to find a needle in a haystack (i.e. a romantic partner) is to burn the haystack down.
    • The method was founded by Jennie Young, a writer and English professor at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay.
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Section 2 of 5:

The 10 Rules of the Burned Haystack Dating Method

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  1. 1
    Use the app as a tool, not a place to live. Rule #1 of the burned haystack dating method is all about managing the amount of time you spend on the app. Although it’s tempting to constantly gain matches and keep starting new conversations with them, the pursuit of matches can keep you from focusing on your own life. Write a profile that’s specific and concrete to you and talks about your interests and what you’re looking for, then use it as a tool to find matches you’re truly compatible with. [2]
  2. 2
    Focus on messaging your matches rather than swiping for new ones. Rule #2 encourages you to build relationships with your matches and get to know them before searching for new ones. Rather than opening up your dating app and swiping right on everyone who catches your eye, open the app, head to the messages you’ve got with your current matches, and have open conversations with them to get to know each other better. [3]
  3. 3
    Keep your notifications for the dating apps off. Formally known as “No Notifications,” rule #3 of the burned haystack dating method is to turn the notifications off for all of your dating apps. That way, you avoid spending all of your time on the dating apps, getting too invested in your matches, and using the apps any other time besides when you’re trying to pursue a serious relationship . [4]
  4. 4
    Block people you aren’t a match with. Rule #4, known as “Block to Burn,” is the most popular rule of the burn haystack dating method. With this rule, you block anyone you aren’t a match with. You block them instead of swiping right because it filters them out of your options when swiping rather than recirculating them once you swipe left. It’s the “burning” of the haystack of options, slimming the dating pool down to the best potential matches. [5]
  5. 5
    Don’t argue with your matches. Rule #5 is all about saving your energy. Instead of arguing with your matches when you start not to align with them, save your energy and move on to the next one. If you want to keep the connection going, calmly explain where you’re coming from and that if they aren’t willing to work with you to resolve the issue, you may need to see other people. [6]
    • According to dating coach Renee Slansky, the two biggest signs of a healthy relationship are peace and progress. If the situation is healthy, there will still be some conflict, but you and your partner will move forward from it.
  6. 6
    Block them if you don’t meet within 2 weeks. Formally known as “Don’t Be a Pen Pal,” rule #6 helps weed out people who aren’t serious about meeting in person and getting to know you. Here, the rule of thumb is that if your match doesn’t propose the idea of meeting up in public, whether it be for drinks, dinner, or a formal meet-up, block them so you don’t waste any more time, even if the conversations are going well. [7]
  7. 7
    Don’t share your location before getting to know them. Rule #7 of the burned haystack dating method is all about making sure you aren’t matching with people who aren’t looking for a quick, casual hookup . Keep your location services on, but don’t mention your location anywhere in your profile. That way, people in your area looking for quick hookups won’t know your location, and won’t be able to immediately propose hooking up. [8]
  8. 8
    Don’t get caught in the gamification of your dating apps. Gamification is the process of treating something like a game, and it’s easy to get into the habit of when swiping on dating apps. [9] Rule #8 of the burned haystack says to avoid “ludic looping,” or getting overly attached to the idea of swiping and gathering matches. Instead, the method encourages you to only match with people who align with you, and to try and build a lasting relationship with them. [10]
  9. 9
    Don’t entertain men who can’t plan the date. Rule #9 of the burned haystack method advocates blocking and steering clear of men who can’t plan a date with you, especially if you’ve been chatting it up on the app and nowhere else. Like rule #7, this rule keeps those looking for a quick, casual hookup away and limits your options to those who are looking for a serious relationship. [11]
  10. 10
    Treat online dating more like a job search than a takeout order. When you’re looking for matches, be intentional about who you swipe on. Thoroughly study their profile, read their bio, and observe their photos to see if you’d be a match or not. When you’re messaging them, only respond to messages that are well-written, reference your profile details, and work to keep the conversations going. [12]
    • If they’re unable to provide you with what you need, move on to the next match until you find the person who suits you.
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Section 3 of 5:

Is the burned haystack dating method effective?

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  1. 1
    Yes, it can be effective because it filters out unserious matches. The burned haystack dating method is a great way to limit the dating pool to other people looking for a serious relationship, as it blocks unserious matches from reentering your cycle of swipes, increasing your chances of finding a secure partner who wants to pursue something long-term. [13]
    • The burned haystack dating method also prevents you from getting too serious with people who you’re incompatible with, and people who may be potentially dangerous.
    • To avoid toxic partners, Slansky says to identify general red flags across the board to be informed and avoid attracting them. Then look at people’s consistent red flags , as they’re often indicative of their true character.
  2. 2
    On the other hand, it can reduce your potential partner options. If you’re looking to meet someone and see what happens from there, disclosing that you’re doing the burned haystack method may be a bad idea. If you incorporate rules like blocking matches after two weeks if they don’t make plans without considering why they aren’t doing so, you may risk missing out on a partner who turns out to be good for you.
    • The burned haystack method can also cause you to be more easily overlooked, as there are plenty of other people on dating apps who have fewer demands than those that come with the method.
    • On top of that, the method holds those on the receiving end to higher standards than those typically found on dating apps, which can cause them to swipe left instead of right.
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Section 4 of 5:

Where did the burned haystack dating method come from?

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  1. The Burned Haystack Dating Method was invented by writer and professor Jennie Young. After re-entering the dating scene at 50 years old, Young had trouble finding someone she clicked with. To weed out the sea of options on dating apps, she decided to be more selective with her swipes and block any match that she didn’t click with. This proved to be successful, as she didn’t have any recycled matches and was able to find someone she clicked with more easily. [14]
    • After seeing success with her method, Young took to Facebook to start a group that worked to define the method more clearly, laying out the 10 rules and general guidelines.
    • Young based the method on her teachings at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay, where she is an English professor. [15]
Section 5 of 5:

Other Dating Methods

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  1. 1
    The Penny Method The Penny Method involves slowly pulling back how much time and effort you put into your relationship. When people enlist the Penny Method, they’re typically trying to get their partner to become more comfortable with less, until they’re able to do the bare minimum to satisfy them (hence the “penny” in the title). [16]
    • The Penny Method is toxic, as it manipulates your partner into accepting the bare minimum.
  2. 2
    The Triangle Method The Triangle Method is a flirting technique where you quickly look at one of your crush’s eyes, then down to their mouth, then back up at their other eye. [17] Although the method claims to be able to make your crush fall for you, as maintaining eye contact is thought to increase someone’s affection towards you, it isn’t scientifically proven. [18]
  3. 3
    Caspering Caspering is a slow, gradual form of ghosting where you slowly limit contact with the person you’re trying to break off from until the relationship fizzles out completely. You typically keep up a nice appearance, loosely offering to make plans and always staying nice, but you don’t actually commit, and you eventually stop talking to them altogether. [19]
    • According to matchmaker & dating coach Lauren Sanders, ghosting is cold-hearted and inconsiderate. It’s more appropriate to end a relationship in person, if possible.
  4. 4
    Sexclusivity According to dating coach David Chambers, sexclusivity means “to be sexually exclusive with somebody else and not be having sex with anybody else.” You may have friends with benefits or other partners, but you exclusively have sex with each other, and no one else. It’s a great way to ensure that you’re practicing safe sex and finding potential partners.
    • Those who practice sexclusivity tend to be in relationships with one another, but not always.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://hellogloria.com/essays/haystack-method-for-online-dating/
      2. ↑ https://www.globaldatinginsights.com/news/exploring-the-burned-haystack-dating-method/
      3. ↑ https://theeverygirl.com/how-to-get-to-know-someone-new/
      4. ↑ https://hellogloria.com/essays/haystack-method-for-online-dating/
      5. ↑ https://hellogloria.com/essays/haystack-method-for-online-dating/
      6. ↑ https://hellogloria.com/essays/haystack-method-for-online-dating/
      7. ↑ https://www.globaldatinginsights.com/news/exploring-the-burned-haystack-dating-method/
      8. ↑ https://youtu.be/caVq-ZHh1Gw?si=lhq0_k4U4CSQNBEH&t=1507
      9. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gamification
      1. ↑ https://youtu.be/caVq-ZHh1Gw?si=K76Q2mXFPweJgt22&t=1568
      2. ↑ https://youtu.be/caVq-ZHh1Gw?si=0i2yFHPq0vw1etTG&t=1711
      3. ↑ https://www.globaldatinginsights.com/news/exploring-the-burned-haystack-dating-method/
      4. ↑ https://www.women.com/1654248/burned-haystack-dating-method-explained/
      5. ↑ https://www.women.com/1654248/burned-haystack-dating-method-explained/
      6. ↑ https://hellogloria.com/essays/haystack-method-for-online-dating/
      7. ↑ https://metro.co.uk/2023/11/17/watch-the-penny-method-a-sinister-new-dating-trend-19838328/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202307/does-the-triangle-method-of-flirting-really-work
      9. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0092656689900202
      10. ↑ https://www.boldsky.com/relationship/beyond-love/caspering-new-break-up-strategy-to-break-up-with-someone-without-being-rude-129226.html

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