What to Do If Your Relationship Is Emotionally Draining

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Expert advice for evaluating and improving your relationship
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When your romantic relationship is draining you emotionally, you might feel desperate to fix it. If you spend every free moment worried about your partner or about when your next fight is due to erupt, this can take a serious toll on your mental health. After dealing with so much stress, it makes sense that you'd be looking for answers. We're sharing the best tips to help you improve your relationship, including insights from dating and psychology experts. To learn how you can fix your emotionally draining relationship, read on.

What to Do If You’re in an Emotionally Draining Relationship

​​First, asses the problem by asking yourself, "When did I start to feel emotionally drained?" Have an open discussion with your partner about your issues and how to deal with them moving forward. Try to compromise often and defuse fights when possible. If the issues persist, try therapy or consider breaking up.

Section 1 of 3:

How Fix an Emotionally Draining Relationship

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  1. Relationships are defined by patterns, so it's important to identify them. Licensed Professional Counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, advises that you try to pinpoint when you started feeling drained so you can determine what caused it. She says, “Create a timeline of the past six months and ask yourself, ‘What's happened? At which point did I start to feel drained?’” Set a time to speak to your partner in a place that feels safe for both of you. Express your feelings, observations, and worries clearly, without placing blame on either you or your significant other. [1]
    • Remember, they'll have their own ideas too, so be prepared to listen with patience and understanding. [2]
    • Try to keep the discussion's focus on the relationship's themes, instead of getting into the back and forth of a specific fight.
    • When you and your partner identify an ongoing issue together, make sure the solution you decide on works for both of you.
  2. In a healthy relationship, both partners should get back what they give. In an emotionally draining relationship, though, you might be investing tons of effort without actually having your basic needs met. Before either of you can take care of each other's needs, you need to communicate them with each other. Try coming up with a list of basic requirements that you need in order to be happy in the relationship. This may be loyalty, a certain level of physical affection, mutual independence, and maybe a bit of reassurance. [3]
    • Encourage your partner to come up with their own list.
    • Share your lists with each other. Together, you can brainstorm how to meet each other's needs in an emotionally sustainable way.
    • This way, the two of you are more likely to put in effort that has positive effects on the relationship.
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  3. To bring your best self into the relationship, prioritize your needs. A draining relationship can steal your time and energy, so practice self-care to feel replenished. By making sure you feel your best, you’ll be able to bring more patience, understanding, and effort into your relationship. [4]
    • Prioritize getting enough sleep.
    • Take time each week to enjoy the things you love to do.
    • Try to take the time to plan healthy, balanced meals.
  4. At the end of the day, a draining relationship needs fixing on both sides. If during a fight, you're both only focused on your own individual interests, it’s going to be really tough to get things resolved. When you’re fighting or falling into a negative pattern, try to center your relationship’s goals first. Encourage your partner to do the same. [5]
    • If you’re fighting about who will unload the dishwasher, don’t think of your interests as competing.
    • One of you might insist that their day was more tiring, and so they shouldn’t have to. The other might say that they did it last time, so they shouldn’t have to.
    • Combine your interests and focus on compromise . For instance, you could say, “The dishwasher needs to be unloaded regardless. I get that you’re tired, so I’ll do it. But next time, I’d like you to, so we’re sharing an equal load.”
  5. Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist Jessica Swenson says, “Mammals are very in tune to the people that we live with and interact with. So, if you get that sinking feeling that something's not right, you're usually not wrong.” Swenson encourages checking in with your partner by asking specific questions like, “Are you feeling something that you're not expressing to me? Do you feel like your needs are being met in this relationship? What can I do to improve the quality of our relationship?” To start a conversation about both partners’ perceptions of your relationship, try this exercise below: [6]
    • Consider six core parts of your relationship: communication, connection, investment, enjoyment, growth, and trust. [7]
    • Take time to reflect on these, and ask your partner to do the same. Then, assign each category a score, 1-10, depending on how well your relationship does in that area.
    • Use your scores' similarities and differences to start a conversation about your relationship's strengths and weaknesses.
    • Commit to working on one area of weakness each week and check in on how you both feel you did.
  6. Attachment styles can be secure, anxious, or avoidant. Combinations of two of the three styles exist as well, though they’re uncommon. A person’s attachment style comes from their experiences early in life, but it can be altered with therapy and hard work. Mismatched attachment styles can be problematic because each person has different expectations of how the other should behave and feel, leading to miscommunication and frustration. [8]
  7. If you can avoid big arguments, you both save emotional energy. Constant spats could cause major emotional drain. If every little disagreement ends up being a giant, hurtful argument, both of you will end up feeling deflated. Try out these helpful tips and tricks below to defuse your fights. [10]
    • Use humor. When a fight pops up, try using a little silliness to keep things light.
      • For example, if you do an impression that makes your partner laugh, respond to a question in that voice.
    • Try touching. Go in for a hug, reach for your partner’s hand, or throw an arm around their shoulder.
    • Take a break. If you feel things escalating, spend a minute cooling off in separate rooms. Even just a quick pause can make a huge difference!
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Sometimes it's best to take a step back. After the heat of the moment passes, have a calm and respectful conversation. Focus on finding solutions together that foster a healthier dynamic moving forward.

  8. When you fight, owning up to your actions can defuse the situation. Sometimes, when you and your partner are in the thick of an argument, the last thing you’ll want to do is admit you were wrong. In that moment, it may feel more like admitting defeat. But in reality, to end your fight (and emotional drain) in a healthy way, letting your guard down is the key. [11]
    • First, tell your partner that you understand what you did to hurt them.
    • Next, let your partner know that you are sympathetic to how they feel.
    • The more fights that you can end quickly and positively, the less emotional drain you and your partner will feel.
  9. Too much complaining can harm an otherwise healthy relationship. It’s great to know your partner can rely on you as a sounding board, but too much negativity can leave one of you feeling drained and the other unheard. When complaints from one partner wear out the patience, energy, or attention span of the other, the listening ear can end up feeling totally emotionally burnt out. [12]
    • If you tend to be a complainer, try screening some of your worries out. Ask yourself if you need support, or if you're just complaining to complain.
    • If you really need help, you should be able to share with your partner. If not, find a positive spin to your comment instead.
    • If you’re the listening ear, try to be there when you sense that your partner really needs it.
    • On the other hand, don't make a big deal out of every little complaint. Offer a simple, supportive remark without opening up an entire discussion.
  10. Support systems help people feel supported and stay positive. When your relationship is draining your emotional reserves, leaning on the people who love you can help you feel understood and uplifted. [13]
    • Reach out to a parent, sibling, cousin, or friend, and offer to buy them a cup of coffee and chat things out.
    • Pick someone who makes you feel heard.
  11. A professional can help you navigate your relationship’s issues. It’s never a bad idea to get an expert’s opinion if you’re struggling in your relationship. Reach out to your primary care doctor to get a referral for a great therapist in your area or try asking friends and family for a recommendation. It may be helpful to interview different therapists before you settle on one.
    • Remember, if you’d prefer it, you can go to see a professional on your own instead.
    • Similarly, keep in mind that your partner may end up wanting to attend therapy longer than you will. This is totally normal!
  12. By taking a break from the relationship, you and your partner can find time to reflect. When you’re with someone, working toward improving your relationship, and constantly answering to your partner’s needs, it can be really hard to get a good sense of whether or not the relationship is working. By stepping away from your relationship, the two of you can decide whether or not you’re happier and healthier on your own.
    • Set clear expectations and boundaries before the break begins. No one should be getting hurt over a miscommunication. [14]
    • Know that taking a break can be a bit of a risk. There’s always a chance that you or your partner will gain clarity during a break that leads to a breakup.
    • However, sometimes the relationship just isn’t working. Make sure you spend your break genuinely reflecting on your needs, desires, and relationship patterns.
    • Trust that if you come back together, your relationship will have a healthier, more secure foundation to build from.
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs of an Emotionally Draining Relationship

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  1. You might be experiencing loss of affection, effort, and excitement. In an emotionally draining relationship, you are likely to feel exactly as advertised: emotionally exhausted. Frequent miscommunications and resulting conflicts can lead to feelings of disappointment, stress, and hopelessness about the future. It can also manifest as constant worrying about your next fight, which is damaging to self-esteem and creates emotional instability. Here are some other signs that you may be in an emotionally draining relationship: [15]
    • You need time apart from your partner to recharge.
    • You can’t be yourself around them.
    • You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them.
    • Your conversations always go in circles.
Section 3 of 3:

When & How to End an Emotionally Draining Relationship

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  1. No relationship is going to be without issues, but at the same time, you should always ensure that your relationship is, overall, a source of more positives than negatives in your life. Vossenkemper encourages you to take time to ask yourself the hard questions, like, “Do I want to stay?” and, “If stay, what do I do with this information?” [16] Try to kick off your reflection using some of these questions below. [17]
    • Do you feel that both of you care enough about the relationship working out?
    • Are you flexible with each other and within reasonable expectations, willing to change for each other?
    • Are you typically able to resolve disagreements in a friendly way?
    • Does the time you spend together add or detract from your happiness?
  2. 2
    Break up if things don’t improve. Although it may hurt, ending a relationship might be the best move for both people. Before you seriously consider breaking up, Vossenkemper says troubleshooting should come first. “Assess and then attempt to solve by trial and error,” she says, ideally paired with “open discussions with your partner” and therapy. However, she advises that breaking up with your draining partner may be the only resolution. “It might mean breaking up, I'm not even saying that that's not a possibility,” she shares. [18]
    • So, while leaving someone you care for is probably a last-case scenario, don’t rule it out— especially if you’ve done the inner work and still can’t seem to solve any of your issues with your partner.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why does my boyfriend drain my energy?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    To answer that, you must analyze your life and try to make sense of the approximate timeline. How long have you been feeling emotionally drained? By doing this, you'll potentially find the possible causes for the issue. If needed, see a therapist to help you figure out what to do.
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      References

      1. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      4. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/taking-good-care-yourself
      5. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-fight-fair/
      6. ↑ Jessica Swenson. Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist. Expert Interview. 19 Oct 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      9. ↑ Jessica Swenson. Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist. Expert Interview. 19 Oct 2022.
      1. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/conflict-resolution/
      2. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-fight-fair/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-stop-complaining-7-secrets-to-being-happier
      4. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/taking-good-care-yourself
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-a-break
      6. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/18158/emotionally-draining-relationships/
      7. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201601/12-crucial-questions-about-your-relationships-future
      9. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.

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