75 Hilarious Lawyer Jokes to Make Anybody Laugh

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Plus, learn where the earliest lawyer joke in history comes from
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Lawyer jokes are never in short supply. From lighthearted quips to mean-spirited digs, there are countless funny lines about the profession. We’ve gathered some of the best legal jokes that make light of attorneys, judges, and the courtroom. Whether you’re a law student, a lawyer, or you know someone who is, you’ll likely get a chuckle (and maybe a groan) when you tell these funny lawyer jokes.

The Best Jokes About Lawyers

  • How do you know when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
  • Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  • My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.
  • Where do vampires learn how to suck blood? Law school.
  • What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? A father-in-law.
Section 1 of 7:

Short Lawyer Jokes

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  1. Get quick laughs with a snappy one-liner lawyer joke. Short lawyer jokes are perfect for rattling off at the bar—or while you’re studying for the bar. From groan-worthy puns to classic “What’s the difference…?” jokes , there’s a line for every sense of humor.
    • How do you know when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
    • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
    • How does an attorney sleep? First, they lie on one side, then they lie on the other.
    • A man asks his lawyer, “If I give you $400, will you answer two questions for me?” The lawyer says, “Absolutely! What’s your second question?”
    • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
    • What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
    • Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
    • What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.
    • What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good place to start.
    • What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
    • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
    • Why was the dog who became a lawyer still poor? He only worked pro-bone-o.
    • Why did the law student lose their case? They didn’t have any conviction.
    • Did you hear that God once decided to sue Satan? He dropped the idea when he remembered where all the lawyers were.
    • What do you get a lawyer for Christmas? A U2 album, because they’re pro Bono.
    • What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures? Vultures don’t take their wingtips off at night.
    • What do you get when you cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
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Section 2 of 7:

Clean Lawyer Jokes

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  1. Crack safe-for-work lawyer jokes around friends and colleagues. If you’re looking for clean lawyer jokes, there are plenty of sanitized zingers to go around. Tell them at the office or at home to amuse the attorneys in your life. [1]
    • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag out for years. A good lawyer will make it drag out even longer.
    • How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
    • Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a drunk are walking down the street together. Suddenly, they all spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets to it first? The drunk. The other three are imaginary beings.
    • Did you hear about the lawyer who sued an airline company after they misplaced their luggage? Sadly, they lost the case.
    • When lawyers die, they’re buried in a hole that’s 12 feet deep. Why? Deep down, they’re really nice people.
    • What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
    • My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.
    • How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
    • What did the lawyer say when they got married? I accept the terms and conditions.
    • How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers fought over a penny.
    • Where do vampires learn how to suck blood? Law school.
    • Why are lawyers so charming? They have a special appeal.
    • Did you hear the one about the lawyer who sued over his coffin? It was an open-and-shut case.
    • Who’s the most honest person at a lawyer convention? The caterer.
    • How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? Say “Fees!”
    • Why don’t lawyers like to fish? The fish don’t fall for their lines.
    • What did the lawyer wear to court? His law-suit.
    • What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Just-ice.
Section 3 of 7:

Long Lawyer Jokes

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  1. Tee up a lengthy lawyer joke with a worthwhile punchline. These lawyer jokes might take a while to tell, but your audience is sure to appreciate the setup once they get to the punchline. [2] Read them a few times before you tell them to make sure you don’t miss a line.
    • A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be a mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 35.” “35?” asks Saint Peter. “According to our calculations, you’re 85.” “How did you get that?” the lawyer asks. “We added up all the hours you’ve billed.”
    • A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do,” said the bartender. “Great,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”
    • An elderly patient needed a heart transplant. Their doctor told them, “We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident. The second is a businessman who never drank or smoked, but died in a private-jet accident. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which heart do you want?” The patient said they’d take the lawyer’s heart. “Why?” the doctor asked. “Easy,” they said. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
    • A surgeon, an architect, and a lawyer are discussing which profession is the oldest. The surgeon says surgery is the oldest profession because God took a rib from Adam to create Eve. The architect says theirs is the oldest profession because God created the world out of chaos in just 7 days. The lawyer says no, theirs is the oldest profession—who do you think created the chaos?
    • A mother and her child walked through a cemetery. They passed by a headstone inscribed with this message: “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The child read the headstone and looked confused. “What’s wrong?” the mother asked. “Mommy,” the child asked, “why did they bury two people there?”
    • The child of a lawyer wanted to follow in their parents’ footsteps, so they went to law school. Once they graduated, they went to work at their parents’ firm. After their first day at work, they rushed into their parents’ office and said, “You’ll never believe it! In one day, I broke open the Smith case you’ve been working on for so long.” Their parent yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living off the funding of that case for decades.”
    • A person is in an interrogation room with a police officer. “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present,” they say. “But you’re the lawyer,” the police officer says. “Exactly,” the lawyer replies. “Where’s my present?”
    • An airline was having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers remain seated and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and prepared to land. “Almost everyone,” came the reply, “Except one lawyer who’s still going around passing out their business card.”
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Section 4 of 7:

Dirty Lawyer Jokes

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  1. Indulge in some risqué humor with a dirty lawyer joke. If your sense of humor errs on the raunchy side, enjoy an off-color lawyer joke. If you’re going to repeat them, be mindful of the company you’re in. These jokes definitely aren’t appropriate for the workplace.
    • Someone walks into a bar and shouts, “Lawyers are *ssholes.” Someone seated at the bar stands up and shouts back, “I take exception to that statement and resent it greatly.” The first person asks, “Are you a lawyer?” “No,” the second person replies, “I’m an *sshole.”
    • A person goes to Hell for their sins. While they’re being taken to their place of eternal torment, they pass a room where a lawyer is getting ready to sleep with a beautiful woman. “How is that fair?” the person says. “I have to be tortured for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend eternity with a beautiful woman.” The demon escorting the person snarls, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
    • Why does the law society prohibit lawyers from screwing their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
    • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? The bucket.
    • What do you get when Satan and a lawyer have a baby? I don’t know. There are some things even the devil won’t do.
    • How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off their head.
    • Why did the lawyer get thrown in jail after breaking into a client’s home? He was looking through his client’s briefs.
    • Why do surgeons like to operate on lawyers? They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
Section 5 of 7:

Judge & Courtroom Jokes

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  1. Entertain a broad audience with jokes about judges and courtroom hijinks. Not every legal joke focuses on lawyers. Some are at the expense of judges, juries, and defendants. Below are a few classic jokes to satisfy your craving for courtroom humor. [3]
    • A kind judge asks the witness on the stand why they look nervous. “Well, your Honor,” says the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, the lawyer objects.”
    • What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? A father-in-law.
    • When did the defendant know they’d picked the wrong lawyer? The lawyer selected the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
    • What happened to the banker who went to law school? They became a loan shark.
    • A person went to court for stealing a car. After a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, the person came back to the judge. “Your Honor,” they said, “I need a warrant for the dirty lawyer I had.” “Why?” asked the judge. “You were acquitted. What do you want your lawyer arrested for?” “Well,” the person explained, “when they found out I didn’t have the money to pay their fee, they went and took the car that I stole.”
    • A lawyer tells a judge, “My client is trapped inside a penny.” “What are you talking about?” the judge asks. “Well,” the lawyer says, “my client is in a cent.”
    • What’s the difference between God and a judge? God doesn’t think he’s a judge.
    • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40? Your Honor.
    • A judge tells a man in a divorce case, “I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.” “That’s very fair of you, your honor,” the man says. “Every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
    • Why did the judge give the penguin bail? He wasn’t a flight risk.
    • What do you call a lawyer that’s gone bad? A senator.
    • What did the judge tell his dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
    • What never works when it’s fixed? A jury.
    • What did the judge say after someone passed gas in his courtroom? Odor, odor in the court!
    • Why did the English language demand a harsher sentence from the judge? It was a glutton for pun-ishment.
    • What legal procedural drama do they watch in Middle Earth? Law & Mordor.
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Section 6 of 7:

Knock-Knock Lawyer Jokes

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  1. Stick with a classic knock-knock joke about lawyers. Nothing beats a good knock-knock joke. The set-up is simple, and your listener gets to be part of the joke. If you’re looking for a lawyer knock-knock joke, here are a few funny ones: [4]
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bill. Bill who? Bill you, because I’m a lawyer and we’re talking right now.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lawyer. Lawyer who? Lawyer up, or you’ll have to represent yourself.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sue. Sue who? Sue whoever you want, and I’ll represent you.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Case. Case who? ‘Case you need a lawyer, here’s my card.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? I can’t answer that without my lawyer present.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Judge. Judge who? Well, I usually judge the defendant.
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? The interrupting lawyer. The interrupting law— Objection!
    • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al give you legal advice if you pay my fee.
Section 7 of 7:

History of Lawyer Jokes

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  1. 1
    Lawyer jokes have been around since pre-Shakespearean times. Shakespeare’s plays like King Lear , Romeo and Juliet , and Henry VI, Part 2 contain jokes and insults about the profession, suggesting lawyer jokes date back to at least the 17th century. [5] However, lawyers have been negatively portrayed in texts as old as the Bible. Some things never change!
  2. 2
    One of the earliest lawyer jokes is credited to Diogenes. Diogenes was an ancient Greek philosopher and cynic. He’s the subject of many apocryphal (popular but not proven) stories about his supposed witticisms. [6] Although there’s no record that Diogenes really said this, it’s often quoted as an early lawyer joke—and sometimes twisted into a joke about other professions. [7] The joke goes as follows:
    • At a Greek festival, an argument arose over who should enter first: a lawyer or a physician. Diogenes pointed to the lawyer, saying, “Let the thief go first, then the executioner.”
  3. 3
    Lawyer jokes began gaining momentum in the late 1970s. According to the book Lowering the Bar: Lawyer Jokes and Legal Culture by Marc Galanter, the ‘70s were the time when many of the classic lawyer jokes we recite today began to enter the mainstream. Galanter credits the rise of lawyer jokes and animosity toward lawyers to the growth of the law from the ‘50s to the ‘70s. [8]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.sydneycriminallawyers.com.au/blog/top-ten-clean-lawyer-jokes-to-kick-off-2018/
      2. ↑ https://www.scarymommy.com/lawyer-jokes
      3. ↑ https://www.scarymommy.com/lawyer-jokes
      4. ↑ https://www.rd.com/article/lawyer-jokes/
      5. ↑ https://christensenhymas.com/articles/lawyers-bad-reputation/
      6. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/biography/Diogenes-Greek-philosopher
      7. ↑ https://askthecarwreckattorneys.com/937/
      8. ↑ https://news.wisc.edu/lawyer-jokes-reveal-frustration-with-legalization-of-life/

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