Overcoming Empty Nest Syndrome: Tips and Advice

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Learn how to deal with the loss of your kids as they leave home
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Your kids are all grown up and off to live on their own. This is supposed to be a triumphant moment when all of the hard work you put into raising them is finally paying off. But a lot of parents feel sadness and loneliness that can be overwhelming—a condition known as empty nest syndrome. If you're experiencing these feelings, you're not alone. Read on to learn how you can recover from empty nest syndrome and start an exciting, fulfilling new chapter in your life.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Steven Hesky. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Overcome empty nest syndrome by allowing yourself to grieve the loss and embracing the changes that are happening in your life.
  • Keep yourself busy and connect with friends and family to better cope with the feelings of loneliness that often accompany empty nest syndrome.
  • Empty nest syndrome is a temporary, transitional phase that typically only lasts for a month or two.
Section 1 of 4:

What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?

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  1. When your kids have all grown up and left home, you can start to feel as though you've lost your purpose. Your kids were your focus for at least 18 years and now that they're gone, you don't know what to do with yourself. Initially, this can make you feel lost, adrift, or without purpose—and this is totally normal! If you focus on yourself and your own needs, these feelings will dissipate in time. [1]
    • Empty nest syndrome isn't a clinical diagnosis, but it's a very real issue that affects a lot of parents.
    • Characteristics of empty nest syndrome include feelings of grief, loss, sadness, and loneliness.
    • The good news is that this is a transitional phase that typically only lasts for a month or two.
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Section 2 of 4:

Overcoming Empty Nest Syndrome

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  1. You might be telling yourself that you should feel good about your kids growing up and going out on their own, but this is a complicated transition and it doesn't always work that way. Treat yourself with kindness and express those emotions rather than trying to push them down. You'll recover a lot more quickly if you let yourself go through the normal process of grieving. [2]
    • Journaling about the situation can help you process your feelings so you can cope with the transition better.
    • Talk to people you know who are also empty nesters. They'll help you feel less alone because they can understand where you're coming from.
  2. If you see your kids being gone as a gaping hole in your life, you'll feel much worse than if you choose to see it as an opportunity to revive some of your own interests. Remember that even though your kids are off on their own, they'll still need your help from time to time. [3]
    • Rituals can help you get some closure and come to terms with the changes that are happening in your life. For example, you might redecorate your child's room or plant a tree in the backyard in their honor.
  3. Even though you might be feeling sad, try to recognize that there are some really great changes happening and you have the opportunity now to follow your dreams and pursue goals you never thought were possible before. Here are some things you have to look forward to: [4]
    • More time for romance with your partner, or time to date and meet new people if you're single
    • More money to spend doing things you want to do since you'll be buying less groceries and other things for your kids
    • More freedom to do what you want without having to worry about taking care of the kids or finding a babysitter
    • More energy to renew your friendships and relationships with your family
    • More opportunities to develop a strong adult relationship with your kids
  4. Now that your kids are out of the house, you'll likely find that you have a lot more free time than you did in the past. If you just mope around feeling bored, that will likely make the empty nest feelings worse. Instead, look for something you can do that will help fill your time and also engage your mind. Here are some suggestions to get you started: [5]
    • Join a club that suits your interests, such as a book club, a sewing club, or a crafting club
    • Play a community league sport
    • Try out for a local community play
    • Start writing a blog
    • Take up photography
  5. Volunteering is a great way to infuse your life with a sense of meaning and help you feel better about yourself because you're helping others. You'll also meet like-minded people who share your values while improving your community and the lives of those around you. [6]
    • If you like animals, consider adopting or fostering pets. It'll put you back in a caretaking role and also make your home a little livelier.
  6. As an empty nester, you have the opportunity to start learning again. Check with local colleges and universities to find a class you can audit. You might also check with local libraries or museums, which often host lecture series. [7]
    • If you were a stay-at-home parent, you might consider starting a new career or going back to school full-time so you can enter a fresh new field.
  7. With the kids out of the house, you and your partner have the freedom to flirt and be affectionate with each other like you were before. You also have a lot more time to be spontaneous without having to worry that the kids might walk in and interrupt the moment. [8]
    • Plan date nights to help you both ease back into this new phase of your relationship.
    • If your relationship is on the rocks, it might get worse without the kids there to act as a sort of buffer. But this is also an excellent time to have those tough conversations with each other or even seek out a couples counselor to help. [9]
  8. When your focus is on your kids, a lot of your relationships with other adults tend to take a back seat. Reach out to your old friends and let them know that you'd like to get together for coffee sometime. You might even throw a dinner party or host a game night to help rebuild some of these connections. [10]
    • If your parents are still in your life, you can now relate to them in a new way, because they already went through this with you. Talking about the experience with them will help you understand it in a new way and can bring you closer together.
  9. Along with staying busy, make your health a priority. Activities such as walking or jogging also stimulate your body's production of feel-good chemicals so over time the empty-nest feelings will start to fade. [11]
    • Try yoga or meditate to restore your sense of mental calm. Going through a life change is stressful (even if it's a positive change) so do what you can to ease that stress.
    • Don't be afraid to experiment and try new things! For example, if you've always wanted to try a more plant-based diet, now is a great time to try a new recipe without having to worry that the kids won't like it.
  10. You're likely trying to structure a new routine that doesn't revolve around caring for your kids—don't neglect yourself in the process! Choose healthy foods, take time to relax, and make sure you get plenty of sleep . Practicing self-care also helps you feel better about yourself so your mood will lift. [12]
    • You might also consider having a spa day or getting a makeover. A new haircut or change to your grooming habits can help you get a jumpstart on the new chapter in your life and help you embrace change.
  11. There's nothing like a vacation for an instant mood-booster and the planning process can serve as a distraction. If you don't feel like going somewhere far away, even playing tourists in your hometown gives you the opportunity to see familiar things in a whole new light. [13]
    • You might also think about taking a day trip to a neighboring town or a visit to friends or family that live further away.
    • A romantic weekend getaway with your partner is another great idea that can help distract you from your empty nest feelings as well as give you an opportunity to rekindle that romantic spark.
  12. Text and email can help you stay in touch with your kids and share things that you normally would have when they were at home. It also gives them a low-pressure lifeline if they have a question or need some advice. [14]
    • It can help to schedule a weekly call-in time. Let your kids take the lead in contacting you more often and don't call them unless it's urgent.
    • Video calls are another great way to see and connect with your kids once they've left the nest. You might also create a family group chat so that everyone can stay connected to each other.
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Section 3 of 4:

Preparing for an Empty Nest

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  1. Make a list of all the roles you currently have in your life—you might be a partner, an employee, or a coworker. You have other family roles too, as a sibling or child. Look over this list and decide which roles you want to lean into more when you're no longer spending as much time parenting. [15]
    • For example, you might decide that you want to put yourself up for that promotion at work that you always turned down because you needed time to care for your kids.
    • You might decide that you want to add new roles as well. For example, if you want to go back to school, you'd be adding "student" to your list.
  2. Now is the time to jump into all those things you've always wanted to do but thought you wouldn't have enough time and energy while you were caring for your kids. You put their interests first for decades and now you have the freedom to do what you really want to do. [16]
    • If you find that you're stumped and are having a hard time coming up with things, that's okay! It's hard to transition into thinking about what you want when you're used to putting your kids' wants and needs first.
    • Think about things that you enjoyed doing in the past that you let fall by the wayside after you had kids. Are there things that you could pick up and start doing again?
    • Talk to your friends and family about what they started doing when their kids grew up and left the nest. You can get lots of ideas this way that you might want to try out for yourself.
  3. Check on social media or sites such as Meetup to find people locally who are involved in the kinds of things you want to be involved with. Making connections with these people gives you a way to start doing some of the things you want to do once you have more time to do them. This will make the empty nest transition easier if you already have these connections in place before your kids move out. [17]
    • If you have an interest that there doesn't seem to be a local outlet for, why not create your own? For example, if you have a few local friends who love to read, you might start a book club with them.
  4. Even though your kid is still at home, they're likely a lot more self-sufficient now than they were just a few years ago. This gives you the freedom to explore some of the things you want to do in a limited capacity before they're gone so you won't feel as much of a void when they leave. [18]
    • This assumes that you know pretty far in advance when your child is going to be moving out. If they spring it on you and you don't have a lot of time, don't worry! You can still start exploring as soon as possible.
  5. While your kids are still at home, show them how to do the things that they'll need to do but have possibly never really thought about. Providing them with this guidance can help the transition to adulthood go more smoothly and then you won't worry about them as much. [19]
    • Helping prepare your kids to leave the nest also helps you transition into your new role as the parent of adult children. You'll get used to giving them advice or guidance when they need it but letting them do things on their own.
  6. Having an open conversation about the feelings your kids have about your family dynamic and parenting style helps smooth their transition to adulthood. Being open and honest with each other paves the way toward treating them more like a fellow adult and less like your child. [20]
    • Avoid getting defensive if your child brings up things about your parenting that they disliked or disagreed with. Instead, listen to their concerns and validate their feelings . Then, apologize sincerely for anything you did that caused them hurt or frustration.
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Section 4 of 4:

When to Get Help

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  1. Some parents are more susceptible to empty nest syndrome than others. If you're one of those people who tends to suffer the most, talking to a therapist or joining a support group can help. People at higher risk for empty nest syndrome include: [21]
    • Single parents who focused much of their life on their kids and built their identity around being a parent
    • People for whom other transitional experiences, such as weaning, tended to be emotional or painful
    • People who were full-time parents rather than also having a separate career out of the home
    • People who are worried their children aren't ready to take on the responsibilities of adulthood
  2. Sometimes, you'll find a lack of sympathy from those around you. A lot of people view children leaving home as a normal part of life and don't see it as upsetting. They might not understand why you're taking it the way you are. This is when a professional can help because they'll take your thoughts and feelings seriously. [22]
    • Try not to begrudge people for not understanding what you're going through. Everyone handles this transition differently.
    • If you have a lack of friends who empathize with you, a support group for empty nesters can help you feel less alone. Sometimes it helps to talk to others who are going through the same thing you are.
  3. You can have the strongest support system in the world and still feel as though you can't handle the changes in your life—and that's totally normal! A therapist or counselor can help you process your emotions and give you some good strategies that will help you cope and eventually recover from empty nest syndrome. [23]
    • Professional help could also keep you from turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol or drugs.
  4. For many parents experiencing empty nest syndrome, things start to get worse rather than better. While this is usually a temporary, transitional period that soon gives way to a new phase in your life, it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes, you need help to get out of a depressive spiral. See a mental health professional if you experience any of the following consistently for more than a few weeks: [24]
    • Persistent feelings of guilt
    • Difficulty concentrating
    • Disturbed sleeping patterns (sleeping all the time or difficulty falling asleep)
    • Inability to enjoy things you usually enjoy
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you embrace an empty nest?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Use your "empty nest" as an opportunity to reconnect with your partner and develop a life separately from your child. Remember—feeling a sense of loneliness and emptiness is really a testament to how close you and your child are.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you beat empty nest syndrome?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Remind yourself that this process is normal, and that your child isn't going to fall off the face of the earth in the meantime. Make the most of technology to keep in touch with your child, whether that's calling, texting, or emailing.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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      Tips

      • Try not to take it personally if your child wants to be less involved with you once they move out—they're just learning to be independent adults. Give them space to work out how close they want to be and don't push it. [25]
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      Warnings

      • Put off making any big decisions, such as selling your house or moving to a different city, until you feel better about your situation and are comfortable in your new lifestyle. [26]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
      2. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      3. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/adult-development-through-the-lifespan/201908/is-empty-nest-syndrome-real
      5. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/coping-with-empty-nest-syndrome/
      6. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/coping-with-empty-nest-syndrome/
      7. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201908/facing-empty-nest-syndrome
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/adult-development-through-the-lifespan/201908/is-empty-nest-syndrome-real
      1. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      2. ↑ https://www.leehealth.org/health-and-wellness/healthy-news-blog/top-trends/empty-nest
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome
      4. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/marriage-vibrant-during-empty-nesting
      5. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/how-overcome-empty-nest-syndrome
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201908/facing-empty-nest-syndrome
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome
      12. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      13. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      14. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome
      15. ↑ https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/health-library/all/2014/10/dangers-of-empty-nest-syndrome
      16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201908/facing-empty-nest-syndrome
      17. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/empty-nest-syndrome

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