How to Respond to Negging

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Have you ever had someone flirt with you by insulting you? Oddly enough, this tactic, called negging, is a form of manipulation that some people use to express interest in others. Receiving a backhanded compliment isn’t fun for anyone, so it’s important to know how to respond to negging and shut it down quickly. In this article, we’ll give you expert-backed tips on how to stop negging and free yourself from manipulative behavior.

1

Ignore them.

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  1. If you just met someone and they immediately try negging you, they’re probably doing it as a “pickup” tactic. This shows that they aren’t a very great person, and they’re probably not worth chatting with. Simply turn around and walk away, or delete their number if you two are texting. [1]
    • Some people will use negging as a way to get women interested in them. While it sounds silly, the thought is that by lowering your self-esteem, you’ll work that much harder to keep them interested.
    • Not sure if you're being negged? See how other wikiHow readers have experienced this manipulation tactic in the "What does negging mean? Examples?" forum .
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2

Say “Thank you.”

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  1. If you don’t want to engage with them further but you don’t feel safe ignoring them, a simple “Thanks” is a great way to throw them off. This lets them know that you probably don’t want to talk anymore, and they should probably move onto a different subject. [2]
    • When people use negging as a flirting tactic, they expect you to defend yourself or ask them what they mean. If you don’t engage them, they don’t have much to work with, so it’s more likely that they’ll just move on.
3

Acknowledge the positive in their comment.

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  1. If you’re looking for something a little snarky to say when someone negs you, try taking their compliment at face-value. Since they didn’t mean it 100% sincerely, your reaction might just confuse them enough that they back off. [3]
    • If someone says, “You look great! You’d look even better if you lost a few pounds,” you could try, “Thank you! I’ve actually been working out a lot lately, so I should lose some more weight soon.”
    • If someone says, “I love your outfit! You really don’t care about other people’s opinions, huh?” you might try, “Thanks! I’ve been working on raising my self-esteem and ignoring people’s opinions, so that means a lot to me.”
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4

Use humor to defuse the situation.

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  1. When someone offers you a backhanded compliment, a great way to shut them down is to point out just how hilarious their comment was. Since people who neg others are usually insecure, laughing at them might be just the thing that gets them to stop. [4]
    • If you hear, “Your sister is in awesome shape. Maybe you should get some advice from her,” you could say something like, “Wow, sounds like you want to date my sister! Maybe I should give you her number.”
    • If they say, “Are you really going to eat all that?” you could try, “Yup, I am! Why, does that intimidate you?”
5

Respond with kindness to rise above negging.

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  1. You never want to stoop down to their level—it only shows them that their behavior is acceptable. Instead, offer them kind, genuine compliments to model what a good friendship or relationship is supposed to be. [5]
    • “You got that promotion? I’m so proud of you! I know you worked really hard.”
    • “You look amazing tonight! I love your outfit.”
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6

Address their insult head on.

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  1. If the person negging you is your partner or a close friend, open up to them about their comments and what they’re doing to you. If they care about your feelings, they’ll stop their behavior and work on being nicer. [6] Use “I” statements to make it all about your feelings so the other person doesn’t feel attacked.
    • “When you give me backhanded compliments, I feel like you’re trying to embarrass me.”
    • “Sometimes it feels like you’re constantly trying to one-up me. I don’t want to be in a competition with you.”
7

Make it clear that they need to change.

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  1. Set boundaries so they know that negging isn’t okay. Setting boundaries helps you take space for yourself, which is important if you’re in a manipulative relationship. While negging can sound innocent at first, it can actually develop into a form of verbal abuse. If your partner is negging you or trying to lower your self-esteem, tell them that they need to stop, or you’ll have to rethink the relationship. [7]
    • “I want this relationship to work, but I can’t stay in it unless you stop putting me down.”
    • “If your behavior doesn’t change, I’m going to have to end things.”
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8

Reach out to friends and family for advice.

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  1. Sometimes, verbal abuse and negging can be hard to spot when it’s happening to you. If you aren’t sure about your relationship or if you feel wary about what’s going on, reach out to your loved ones. They can help support you and tell you if your partner’s behavior is okay or not. [8]
    • You can also talk to a couple’s counselor for the opinion of an unbiased third party.
9

End the relationship if nothing changes.

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  1. If you’ve talked to your partner about their behavior but nothing’s changed, it’s time to end things . Make a plan to leave the relationship safely, and reach out to your friends and family if you need help getting out of your situation. [9]
    • Negging often goes hand in hand with gaslighting, which is when someone tries to get you to question your version of reality. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, and it’s a sign that you need to end the relationship right away.
    • Remember, your safety is your top priority. If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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Join the Discussion...

What does "negging" mean? Examples?
WikiValleyRunner845
WikiValleyRunner845
I've been chatting with this guy for a little bit, but my friends have told me that he's totally been "negging" me when we're together. I haven't heard this term before, but there must be some truth to it if my friends keep saying it's happening. So, what exactly is negging and how can I recognize it? It seems like a bad thing, so any pointers on how to stop it from happening are a plus.
WikiMongooseDriver598
WikiMongooseDriver598
If you always feel bad about yourself after interacting with a guy, he's probably negging you. Negging can come in the form of backhanded compliments, thinly-veiled insults under the guise of constructive-criticism, comparing you to others, trying to one-up you/diminish your accomplishments, and painting you as too sensitive by saying that he is "just joking."
WikiFawnTamer662
WikiFawnTamer662
Negging is basically short for "negative feedback" and it's saying something that makes you feel less confident so you look for a guy's approval, and honestly it's a form of emotional manipulation. It could be a backhanded compliment like, "You're really brave for styling your hair like that, but you make it work," or comparing you to other people like, "You could be in good shape too if you worked out like your friends." If you point out what they said as mean, they may say they're joking and try to play it off.

If it keeps happening, try not to insult or neg them back because that will only make them continue the behavior. Come right out and say that it's bothering you and that you don't want it to happen anymore. If they are actually thoughtful and apologize, just keep an eye on them. If they still try to play it off or don't take you seriously, it may be time to find a new guy.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about negging, check out our in-depth interview with Allison Broennimann, PhD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/12/5-pick-up-artist-techniques-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-players-use-to-unsettle-you#1.-Negging-
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-ways-answer-backhanded-compliment
      3. ↑ https://www.today.com/health/backhanded-compliments-5-ways-handle-snarky-praise-t105322
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-ways-answer-backhanded-compliment
      5. ↑ https://www.today.com/health/backhanded-compliments-5-ways-handle-snarky-praise-t105322
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-ways-answer-backhanded-compliment
      7. ↑ https://happiful.com/what-is-negging/
      8. ↑ https://happiful.com/what-is-negging/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/12/5-pick-up-artist-techniques-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-players-use-to-unsettle-you#1.-Negging-

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