How to Cope with Feeling Defeated

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What it means to feel defeated, and how to make things better
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When you’re feeling defeated, it’s easy to feel like there’s no way out, and that you’ll never get back on your feet, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s only a temporary feeling, and you’ll find your victories again. We’re here to help. We talked to clinical psychologists to bring you strategies to overcome your defeated feelings, explain what it means to feel defeated and why you do, and provide you with plenty of affirmations to use to help yourself feel like yourself again.

How to Get Over Feeling Defeated

Let your feelings out, and take a mental health day to help you stabilize. Talk to a friend about your struggles. Make a schedule or a routine to get you back on your feet and working toward your goal. Reward yourself for every little bit of progress, no matter how small.

Section 1 of 4:

Best Ways to Overcome Feeling Defeated

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  1. 1
    Let yourself feel your feelings, and get them out. The reality is that everyone is defeated now or then, or goes through periods where they feel like they just can’t win or can’t catch a break. [1] It’s a normal part of life, and while it’s not the only part, there’s no use pretending it isn’t happening or doesn’t hurt. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Take a few days to wallow and get it out of your system.
  2. 2
    Remember why you do what you do. “Motivation is long-lasting when it is intrinsic (meaning that it comes from within),” says clinical psychologist Kim Chronister. When you believe in your goals and dreams, defeat is just a temporary setback, and it won’t kill your motivation. Ask yourself: Am I going to let some setbacks hold me back from the life I deserve? Or is that life more important to me than the disappointment I’m feeling right now?
    • Motivate yourself again by visualizing your ideal life. How do you feel in that life? What are your doing? Where are you?
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  3. 3
    Talk to a friend to get a pep talk. Realizing that you’re not in this alone can be huge for your own perspective and confidence. [2] Meet up with, or call, a close and trusted friend and tell them how you feel. Even if they don’t have all the answers, having a dialogue with another person who truly cares goes a long way to feeling less alone.
    • Or, ask yourself what you’d say to a friend in your position. What would they want to hear? What would you honestly say? Then, find a mirror and tell it to yourself.
  4. 4
    Challenge your negative thoughts. Clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson tells us that it’s vital to push back on your self-defeating thoughts. When we’re feeling low, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves, but the more we do that, the more we believe it. When you catch yourself saying or thinking unkind things about yourself, challenge those thoughts by stopping and asking yourself:
    • Why am I saying this? Is it true? Would I say this about a friend? Am I just trying to justify my feelings by telling myself I’m bad?
    • Then, turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Instead of, “I’m terrible at everything!” think, “I’m still learning, and while I’m not where I want to be, I’m having fun, and I’ll get there one day.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist

    It’s about changing our perceptions and worldviews. If we choose to live in a bleak and gloomy world, then we will never truly experience the rising and dawning of the sun. We’ll never truly experience the freshness of the air following a May shower or the crispness of a snowfall, because we will be focusing all of our energy on the negative perspectives of our world.

  5. 5
    Spoil yourself a little. Sometimes we just need to indulge ourselves. Taking a day off, buying yourself a little pick-me-up treat, or springing for that massage can be that win that helps you feel like your luck is turning and find your momentum again. Just remember: spoiling yourself is just the first step, and sooner or later you’ll have to roll up your sleeves and get to work in order to make real forward progress. [3]
    • Go out to eat, start that hobby you’ve always wanted to try, or call up some friends to have a wild night in. Whatever helps turn your mood around.
  6. 6
    Do something easy and low-stakes to get your confidence back. “Ultimately,” clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown says, “it’s about changing our mindset.” One way to do that is to look for an easy victory. Do something you know you can accomplish. Go for a short workout and see it through. Cross off something on your to-do list. Whatever helps you start moving forward again and regain some confidence.
    • Make an easy meal, clean your room , even play a video game! It’s about feeling accomplished, no matter how you achieve that.
  7. 7
    Log off of social media for a while. Studies show that excessive social media use can be devastating for your mental health, especially when you’re already feeling low. We weren’t meant to have so much information all at once, or to be constantly comparing ourselves to other people, mostly strangers we’ll never meet. [4] Take a break and log out of your accounts and try to stay off of them for at least a week while you turn things around.
    • Replace the social media urge with something more productive. When you’re tempted to open an app, open a book instead, or pick up a newspaper to browse.
  8. 8
    Get into a healthy and productive routine. Working with a routine helps you stay on track, and makes it less likely that those feelings of defeat will derail you. “Make a list of things that pull you or excite you and make your schedule more full of those activities,” Chronister says. It’s not just about setting goals, it’s about making it enjoyable and rewarding to work toward those goals.
    • Incorporate some fun into your daily schedule. Make time to do things you enjoy, like seeing friends or playing video games, to prevent burnout.
    • Also, start exercising each day. Research shows that as little as 150 minutes of moderate exercise a week can grant you a stronger body and a more resilient, focused mind. [5]
  9. 9
    Help someone else to feel your own power. When it comes to boosting our own mental health and self-esteem, research suggests that there’s no better way than lending a helping hand. When you make a difference in someone’s life, you prove to yourself that you’re capable, powerful, and worthy of good things. [6] Find someone to help for a powerful pick-me-up.
    • Volunteer at the local food bank, homeless shelter, or animal non-profit.
    • Ask a friend if they need a favor, and explain that you’re just looking to pay them back for something.
    • Write to a pen pal, or participate in a pen pal charity, like Compassion or Write a Prisoner .
  10. 10
    Find the silver lining in your own defeat. Defeat sucks! It’s unfortunate and frustrating. But it sucks more the more you dwell on it and let it eat you up. Don Brown says to avoid “focusing all of our energy on the negative perspectives of our world.” Instead, remind yourself that you’re capable of bouncing back, and that you’ll get through this. A defeat is just an opportunity to bounce back better than ever.
    • For example, if you just lost your job, this might be your opportunity to pivot and start chasing that dream job you’ve always wanted.
  11. 11
    Celebrate every small step forward. Progress is rarely a straight line forward. You’ll go left, right, and even backwards before you get to where you want to be. That’s why it’s important to celebrate your victories as they come, no matter how small. [7] When you accomplish something, pat yourself on the back and celebrate!
    • For example, if you want to write and publish a book, reward yourself with a treat after you write each chapter.
  12. 12
    See a therapist to make a strategy for your comeback. When you’re stuck in a rut and your wheels are spinning, sometimes you need an extra push to get you out of the mud. Seeing a therapist could be just what you need. “Finding support from a trained mental health provider can be beneficial in order to learn cognitive and behavioral skills and techniques that you might have not been aware of,” Dickerson says.
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Section 2 of 4:

What does “feeling defeated” mean?

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  1. It means to feel like you can’t win or succeed, no matter how hard you try. When you’re feeling defeated, it feels like the universe is working against you. You’re having a lot of bad luck, your efforts aren’t being rewarded, and you might even feel hopeless. Everyone feels defeated now and then, but it’s only a temporary feeling, and you’ll be back on your feet sooner than you know.
    • Remember that your feelings of defeat, while real and painful, don’t give you the full picture. There’s more to your life than how you feel in this moment, and you will feel better again soon.
    • If someone tells you they’re feeling defeated, respond by offering to listen to their thoughts. Be patient, kind, and understanding, and reassure them that better times are coming.
    • For example, say, “That sounds incredibly hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Let me know how I can help. We’ll get past this.”
Section 3 of 4:

Why do I feel defeated?

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  1. 1
    You’re on a bad streak, but it’ll turn around soon. Everyone strikes out, and when you feel like you can’t catch a break, it’s way too easy to start feeling like you’ll never catch another. “If you consume and internalize negative messages,” Don Brown adds, “then the outcome will be someone who experiences life with a bleak outlook and perspective of the world.” You have to change your own perception.
    • Remind yourself that this is just a rough patch, and nothing more. Life has much more in store for you, as long you’re willing to reach out and take it.
  2. 2
    You’re making small steps that don’t feel significant, but they are. When you’re tackling a big goal, it can start to feel like you’re getting nowhere, and your dream still seems so far away. But this kind of thinking is a trap. Of course it’ll take time to get where you’re going—you knew that when you started—but our own impatience can make it seem like we’re getting nowhere. In reality, we’re always making progress, even when it doesn’t feel like it. [8]
    • The key is to learn to enjoy the process. Like a painter, take pleasure in every stroke of your brush, not just the finished product.
  3. 3
    You’re afraid of what success looks like. It might sound silly, but it’s often true. We all want success, but what we don’t always talk about is how success comes with lots of life changes, and some of them are scary. On top of that, it takes effort and struggle to achieve success, so we often resist change, because we prefer what’s comfortable and familiar, even if it’s bad for us. [9]
    • Remind yourself of why you’re unhappy or defeated, and visualize what success looks like. Compare those visions, and decide which one feels healthier for you.
  4. 4
    You’re too online, which can mess with your brain. Social media can be a serious hazard when it comes to self-esteem and confidence. It’s a double-whammy of comparing yourself to others while simultaneously getting nothing done—just an infinite scroll of wasted time. [10] Getting sucked into the whirlpool can be disastrous for your mental health, and the sooner you get out of it, the better.
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Section 4 of 4:

Affirmations for Feeling Defeated

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  1. Repeat these affirmations to help get you out of your rut. “It’s through our perceptions of self and the world that we create meaning and define who we are,” Don Brown reminds us. “After all, we are what we digest. If you consume positive and reaffirming messages, then you will feel these nurturing modalities.” When you’re feeling low, try repeating some of these affirmations and prayers to yourself, to help you consume positive messages.
    • I am a capable person who can achieve what I set out to do.
    • Defeat is temporary, but victory is permanent.
    • I’m allowed to feel good about myself. I’m allowed to feel proud.
    • I am making progress, even if I can’t always see it.
    • I am more than my bad days.
    • I will find the courage to realize the life I deserve, and the wisdom to know what that life looks like.
    • I understand that life is happening right now, and there’s so much to be grateful for, even if I’m not where I want to be.
    • Everything I do, I do to build a life for myself and the people around me.
    • I invite joy, happiness, satisfaction, and achievement into my life.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/play-and-imitation/202201/the-value-of-defeat
      2. ↑ https://childmind.org/article/support-friend-with-mental-health-challenges/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/self-care-tips-to-prioritize-your-mental-health
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/real-happiness-in-digital-world/202012/social-media-depression-and-social-defeat
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/expert-answers/exercise/faq-20057916
      6. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/play-and-imitation/202201/the-value-of-defeat
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-naked-creative/202308/how-to-keep-going-when-progress-slows-to-a-snails-pace
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-in-high-achievers/202105/the-fear-success-can-sabotage-your-life-goals
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/social-media-and-mental-health

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