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Common toxic traits & what to do when you see them
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This article was co-authored by Sandra Possing
and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre
. Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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This article has been viewed 26,155 times.
Toxic personality traits can damage friendships, ruin relationships, and wreak havoc on your mental health. Watching out for toxic traits is important—but recognizing them in yourself and others can be tricky. What do you look for? And what counts as “toxic”? We’re here to help with this comprehensive list of common toxic personality traits. Keep reading to learn which toxic traits to look out for, how to recognize them, and what to do if you see these traits in yourself or the people you’re closest to.
Things You Should Know
- Taking advantage of people, being overly critical, and sabotaging others are toxic traits that can ruin your relationships and reputation.
- Perfectionism, pessimism, and negative self-talk are toxic to your own well-being.
- If you recognize toxic traits in yourself, examine where your behavior comes from. If you spot toxic traits in someone else, speak up or confront them when possible.
Steps
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People who are manipulative exploit other people’s feelings. They take advantage of others and target people’s vulnerabilities and shame or pressure them into doing things they don’t want to do. They use their own power—especially if they’re in a position of authority—to get what they want. [1] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you find yourself taking advantage of someone, take a step back. Recognize the other person’s needs and try to compromise with them.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone takes advantage of you, stand up for yourself . Tell them something like, “It’s not okay for you to treat me like this.”
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Critical people constantly point out other’s faults and mistakes. They criticize people’s personalities, mock their bodies, complain about their behavior, and so on. Nothing is ever good enough for them, and they can be cruel in their observations. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: Work on learning to appreciate people’s differences. Embrace people despite their mistakes and faults, and they’ll do the same for you.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone is being overly critical of you, try not to take their words to heart. Speak up and say something like, “It hurts my feelings when you call me lazy or unmotivated. Can you stop saying things like that?”
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People often lie to benefit themselves or hurt others. They might exaggerate their accomplishments or spread falsehoods to boost their own reputation or make others look bad. They steal, cheat, blame others for their mistakes, and take credit for things they didn’t do. [3] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you lie a lot, ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to lie?” It’s possible that you are trying to protect yourself from pain or shame, but honesty is always the best policy. Surround yourself with people who will accept you for who you are.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life lies constantly, try calling them out if you feel safe doing so. If not, you try distancing yourself from that person.
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Self-centered people always want the focus to be on them. They might talk about themselves constantly and fail to ask how the people in their life are doing. They focus on their own wants and needs without considering other people’s wants, needs, or feelings. [4] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you notice that you’ve been behaving this way, make it a point to spend more time focusing on other people than yourself.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: Try not to take a self-centered person’s behavior personally. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. Set boundaries with them, such as alternating who gets to choose what you two will do together.
Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?
“Toxic” people are a hot topic. Typically, this term is used to describe a negative person who regularly devalues others. Everyone’s selfish sometimes, and, on occasion, we all tell white lies. So how do you know if you’re in the normal range…or a total hazard? We’ve got the answers right here. Ready to learn if you’re toxic? Click “Start Quiz.”
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Your partner's acting suspicious. You:
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People who are controlling always want things to go their way. They refuse to compromise and think their ideas or way of doing something is best. They tend to micromanage people and criticize them. A need for control may stem from anxiety, but that doesn’t make it right. [5] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: Take note of times when you tend to be controlling, and look for a healthier solution. For example, if you tend to commandeer group projects, take a step back and let other people share their ideas first. [6] X Research source
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If your romantic partner is controlling, that’s a red flag. Tell them about your concerns and insist that you have the freedom to make your own choices. If they refuse to or are unable to change, it is probably best to end the relationship .
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People who are passive-aggressive express their anger indirectly. Instead of confronting someone who made them mad, they might become sarcastic or act coldly toward them with no explanation. They have difficulty processing negative feelings, and their behavior can leave others feeling anxious and confused. [7] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: The healthiest way to express anger is to do so calmly and directly. Be honest about what is upsetting you, and confront people directly if you’re able to.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If you know someone who’s very passive-aggressive, ask them to be upfront about their feelings. Say something like, “Can you please tell me when you’re upset with me instead of giving me the silent treatment? I’d like us to be able to talk through our problems.”
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Inflexible people insist that everything has to be their way. They reject new experiences and ideas. They may not like trying new food, new music, or even meeting new people. These kinds of people tend to become anxious or angry when they’re not in control, and they hate being confronted with unfamiliar situations. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you struggle in unfamiliar situations, try dipping your toe into new experiences little by little. Take a walk in a different park. Order something different the next time you go out to eat. Open yourself up to new things bit by bit and see what you enjoy.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: Likewise, if someone you know is inflexible, encourage them to try new things little by little. But don’t hold your breath. If they refuse to change, you might have to enjoy new experiences without them.
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Arrogant people think they’re better than others. They may be patronizing and condescending. They think they know everything, and they look down on others who they think are less knowledgeable or intelligent. These kinds of folks may also be deeply insecure about their own intellect, and use their arrogance to mask their true feelings. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you’ve been arrogant in the past, try practicing humility by embracing your faults and acknowledging other people’s strengths.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone you know or work with is behaving arrogantly, you can call them out on it or just ignore them. You’re not responsible for other people’s insecurities, but you have a right to be treated with respect. If they’re rude to you, speak up.
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People who are jealous want things that other people have. They may resent people in happy relationships or who date successfully. They get angry when colleagues receive praise or surpass them professionally. Their jealousy could even make them paranoid, leading to verbal abuse or false accusations of lying or infidelity—depending on the type of relationship. [10] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you feel jealous a lot of the time, try to recognize the insecurities behind your jealousy. Then, work on building your self-confidence and being grateful .
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone you know is exhibiting extreme jealousy, their behavior could constitute emotional abuse. Talk to someone you trust about the situation, like a friend, family member, or mental health professional.
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People who are vain constantly worry about how they look. They check themselves in the mirror or on their phone, over and over. [11] X Research source They tweak their photos on social media to make themselves look stronger or thinner, or to change their face dramatically. Vain people may always diet, try new exercise programs, or buy clothes and accessories that are beyond their budget. [12] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you’re overly worried about your appearance, try occupying your time with other things. Hobbies, sports, movies, and other activities are all healthy outlets to consider.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: The same is true if someone in your life is obsessed with their appearance. Encourage them to dial it back and try other activities.
- In some cases, people who worry a lot about their appearance struggle with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, or other issues that affect their mental and physical health. If you or someone you know is dealing with this, you’re not alone. Talk to a mental health professional to get the help you need.
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Perfectionists are never satisfied with their own work. They view every mistake as a catastrophe. If they don’t succeed the first time, they view themself as a failure. They might even refuse to try again and don’t believe in slow, incremental growth. [13] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you’re struggling with perfectionism, give yourself permission to make mistakes and work on developing a growth mindset . Failure is a part of life, and embracing it is essential to success and happiness.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: Likewise, if you know someone who’s a perfectionist, encourage them to embrace setbacks and mistakes.
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Pessimists see the worst in everyone and everything. They discourage others and themselves. They neglect new opportunities and experiences because they assume things will turn out badly. They dismiss people’s efforts to grow and improve. [14] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: Seeing the bright side can be hard sometimes, but it’s a valuable skill. Try it yourself by asking, “What are some ways that this could go well?” or “Was it really all bad? Or is there are silver lining here?”
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life is overly pessimistic and cynical, try encouraging them to see things in a more positive light. If they refuse, you may need to pull back to prevent their negativity from rubbing off on you.
- To avoid pessimism, developing a gratitude attitude is usually a good idea. Having a gratitude accountability buddy to exchange messages once a day and talk about what you are both grateful for is a great starting point to avoid pessimism.
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People who procrastinate neglect their responsibilities to an extreme. They often start assignments the night before their due, pay bills at the very last minute, or leave dishes piling in the sink for days. They might also avoid going to the doctor or getting a cavity fixed, even if they have insurance or other means to pay. [15] X Research source
- Everyone procrastinates, but there’s a difference between neglecting one assignment and letting all your work pile up. Procrastination can be a sign of depression and other mental health issues. If you struggle with procrastination, talk to someone you trust like a friend, close relative, or therapist.
- Tip for self-improvement: Consider making a to-do list to keep track of your responsibilities.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: The same applies to anyone in your life who struggles with procrastination.
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They’re incredibly hard on themselves. People who talk negatively about themselves may think they’re not good enough as they are. They have difficulty accepting their own flaws, and they don’t bounce back after stressful or painful experiences. [16] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: The best way to combat it is to respond with positive, encouraging self-talk. Say things like, “Actually, I am worth it.” “I’m smart and capable.” “I made a mistake, and I can learn from this and do better next time.
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They’re always running late or making others late. Their lateness disrupts people’s schedules and causes a lot of needless stress. They may apologize, or they may be totally oblivious to their lateness. [17] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you’re someone who often runs late, consider setting reminders on your phone about appointments and other obligations. Additionally, work on your time management .
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life is always making you late, try talking to them about it to see if they’re able to change their behavior. If not, you may need to avoid relying on them being on time.
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They stay mad for a long time, even if others move on. Someone who holds grudges won’t let go of negative feelings, especially if they think someone hurt them. They have a hard time connecting with others and refuse to resolve conflict in a mature way. [18] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: Letting go of anger is important for your relationships and mental health. If you can, try talking things through with the person who made you angry. If that’s not possible, talk to a close friend or therapist who can help you process your anger in a healthy way.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life is holding a grudge, try talking to them about it. They may be able to let it go once they’ve processed their feelings.
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They cut people off and dominate conversations. Someone who does this might finish people’s sentences, interject when it’s not appropriate, or switch topics without checking in with others. They make people feel like their thoughts and feelings aren’t important. While this behavior is harmful to anyone, it disproportionately affects women who often find themselves talked over in professional settings. [19] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you find yourself cutting others off, work on pausing when a thought pops up and letting the other person finish their thoughts before you interject.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone constantly interrupts you, you can respond by saying, “Please let me finish,” or “Please don’t cut me off.”
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They think people are good or bad, smart or dumb, nice or mean. There are no shades of gray. They’re quick to judge and tend to accept or reject people, or ideas, at face value. They tend to reject someone if they don’t immediately understand or connect with them. [20] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: Life is full of ambiguity, and most people are not 100% good or bad. If you tend to think in black and white, work on becoming more open-minded .
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life thinks this way, you might not be able to change their mind. Instead, try accepting them as they are—or distancing yourself if dealing with them causes you too much pain.
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They backstab and undermine others for their own benefit. People who sabotage turn people against each other or spread rumors to damage reputations. They interfere with people’s professional and personal goals. They prevent others from succeeding, forming relationships, or finding happiness, just so they can feel better about themselves. [21] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you think you’re guilty of this, take a step back and recognize that other people’s successes don’t affect your own. You can still be proud of yourself even as others around achieve great things.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If you think you’re being sabotaged by someone, talk to someone else you trust about the situation. Get support from a friend, manager, or family member who can advocate for you and put a stop to the behavior.
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People who avoid intimacy have difficulty opening up to others. They bottle up their feelings and hide their true selves. In romantic relationships, they avoid being physically or emotionally affectionate. They may have many acquaintances, but few or no close friends. [22] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: We all struggle with intimacy to some degree. If you find yourself burying your emotions, try opening up to a trusted person little by little. Intimacy takes time to build.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone you care about is avoiding intimacy with you, try talking to them about it. Couples can also try relationship counseling and intimacy workshops.
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People who play the victim act like everyone is out to get them. They treat people unfairly, only to then accuse others of being unfair to them. They try to garner sympathy by acting as if they’re powerless, when they’re actually not. [23] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: If you think you play the victim sometimes, take a moment to reflect and recognize your power to change your situation.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If you know someone who often plays the victim, remind them that they are not being treated unfairly and that no one is out to get them.
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They never say sorry, even when they’re in the wrong. They won’t admit fault or accept responsibility for their behavior. They become angry or dismissive when they’re confronted, and they believe they’re always in the right. [24] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: On rare occasions, saying “sorry” is legitimately out of the question—but it’s almost always a good idea. If you have trouble with this, try saying “This was my mistake,” or “You’re right. I’ll do better next time.” There are many ways to say “Sorry.”
- How to deal with a toxic individual: It’s hard to make someone apologize if they refuse to do so. But if all else fails, you can insist, “You owe me an apology,” or “You really should say sorry.”
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People who live in the past can’t let go and move on. They probably talk constantly about their exes, former friends, previous jobs, and happier times that are long gone. They hold on to pain and grief. [25] X Research source People who live in the past reminisce or fantasize about things that happened to them, good or bad. They refuse to live in the present and move forward with their lives. [26] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: Letting go of the past isn’t easy. If you’re struggling with this, talk to someone about it—a therapist, friend, or family member. Moving on is possible once you process your feelings.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone in your life is living in the past, offer them a listening ear. Encourage them to seek help if they’re stuck in a pattern of reminiscing—but remember that you can’t force people to change.
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They’re always posting, liking, and following the latest drama. They get all their information from social media—news, weather, family updates, and so on. Their posts are often angry or emotionally charged, and their opinions may become odd or extreme. [27] X Research source
- Tip for self-improvement: Social media can be addictive, which is why it’s so important to pull back from it once in a while. If you’re consuming too much, try limiting your social media use to 1-2 hours a day. You can also temporarily disable some of your accounts to give yourself a break.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: It can be stressful when someone you know or love is constantly on social media. If so, try talking to them about it. Encourage them to limit their use and spend more time offline.
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They’re constantly texting and scrolling. They pull out their phone in the middle of conversations, at the dinner table, while driving, or out in public. They tend to neglect face-to-face interactions in favor of screen time. [28] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Tip for self-improvement: Though we’re all occasionally guilty of it, too much phone time can increase stress and isolation (not to mention too much phone time can seriously harm your health!). If you’re on your phone too much, try scheduling phone breaks. Turn off your notifications for an hour or two, especially if you’re driving or spending time with people in person.
- How to deal with a toxic individual: If someone is constantly on their phone, call them out on it. It’s rude of them to be on their phone when they’re talking to you—and it’s dangerous to do it when driving.
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References
- ↑ https://faculty.wharton.upenn.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Yip---Schweitzer-2015.pdf
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=528
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-selfish-people/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-anyone-would-want-to-control-you
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/09/how-to-stop-being-so-controlling-and-accept-uncertainty
- ↑ https://online.alvernia.edu/articles/4-types-communication-styles/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5650239/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/08/why-do-so-many-incompetent-men
- ↑ https://www.suu.edu/blog/2022/01/toxic-relationships.html
- ↑ https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/distorted-self-image-caused-by-244511
- ↑ https://news.illinoisstate.edu/2021/04/social-media-effects-on-body-image-and-eating-disorders/
- ↑ https://www.waldenu.edu/online-masters-programs/ms-in-psychology/resource/seven-signs-you-are-too-much-of-a-perfectionist
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=4511
- ↑ https://caps.ku.edu/procrastination
- ↑ https://www.excelsior.edu/article/the-dangers-of-negative-thinking-and-how-to-master-positive-self-talk/
- ↑ https://time.com/3984571/worst-types-of-late-people/
- ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/resentment-forgiveness
- ↑ https://www.cmu.edu/news/stories/archives/2020/october/women-interrupted-debate.html
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-recognize-and-tame-your-cognitive-distortions-202205042738
- ↑ https://sloanreview.mit.edu/article/why-every-leader-needs-to-worry-about-toxic-culture/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_loved_children_become_giving_adults
- ↑ https://www.uopeople.edu/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-victim/
- ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/resentment-forgiveness
- ↑ https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm/
- ↑ https://mitsloan.mit.edu/ideas-made-to-matter/study-social-media-use-linked-to-decline-mental-health
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/02/checking-devices
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Sandra Possing
and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre
. Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles. This article has been viewed 26,155 times.
15 votes - 80%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: October 14, 2023
Views: 26,155
Categories: Personality Traits
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 26,155 times.
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