How to Get Over Someone With a Different Orientation

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What to do when you’re crushing on someone who can’t love you back
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You can’t control your crushes, and it’s never a great feeling when your crush’s orientation doesn’t match yours. But this isn’t the last crush you’ll ever have, and sooner or later the perfect person for you will come along. In the meantime, we talked to clinical psychologists and dating and relationship coaches to help you process your feelings, move on, and answer how long it might take for your heart to recover.

Getting Over Someone You Can’t Have

Dating coach Laura Bilotta says to distance yourself from your crush and focus on your hobbies and goals to help rediscover yourself and distract yourself. Talk to someone close to you, or a therapist, about your feelings and focus on finding someone who can and will love you.

Section 1 of 3:

Processing Your Feelings

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  1. “Let in the reality of the situation,” says relationship psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD. [1] The first step is just accepting the situation. Since you’re reading this article, you’re already mostly there! You already know their orientation doesn't match, but sit with this knowledge for a while, just to let it sink in. It might hurt, but that’s normal, and it means you’re ready to face the truth.
    • Write it down in a journal to put it on paper. When you write something down, it often feels more real and easier to handle.
    • Don’t take it personally! This is one rejection that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with simple orientation.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Jessica January Behr , PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy.

    Mary Church , PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii. Dr. Church holds a BS in Psychology from Eckerd College and an MS and PhD in Experimental Psychology from The University of Memphis.

    Laura Bilotta is a dating coach, matchmaker, and the founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

    Kateri Berasi , PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of The Centered Self. With nearly 20 years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with creatively inclined individuals navigating identity, emotional depth, and life transitions.

    Amy Chan is a relationship coach based in New York, New York. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development.

    John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City with over 15 years of professional experience.

  2. 2
    Separate your fantasy from reality with a list of the facts. Sometimes, we get so carried away with what might have been that when we’re disappointed, it hurts even more. Make it hurt less by giving yourself a gentle reality check. Dr. Behr tells us to “delve into the fantasy a bit.” [2] What did you hope would happen? Why? Was it ever going to happen with this person, or does your fantasy have better chances with someone else?
    • Make a list of things you assumed or fantasized about, then make a list of the facts to help you anchor yourself.
    • When you dissect your fantasy like this, you learn more about what you want from a relationship and can start to look forward to a relationship with someone who is available.
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  3. Clinical psychologist Mary Church, PsyD, encourages you to “fully process” your feelings. [3] Write out your emotions in a journal, or spill your heart to a trusted friend. Getting those emotions outside of yourself , rather than bottling them up, goes a long way to letting them go and getting some relief.
    • Dr. Church also says you may go through the stages of grief, and that it helps to recognize them as they come: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. [4]
    • Keep it super casual and light, if you want! It doesn’t have to be a serious, sad thing. As long as you’re honest with yourself, you’re making progress.
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Section 2 of 3:

Moving On From Your Crush

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  1. “A little bit of distance can do wonders, less contact is key,” dating coach and matchmaker Laura Bilotta tells us. [5] If this is someone you’re pretty close to, like a good friend, consider distancing yourself by hanging out with other people. If they’re less familiar, like a classmate or someone you see now and then, try to alter your routine so you don’t see them as much: sit somewhere else in class or go to a cafe where they don’t hang out.
    • If they’re a friend, you’ll probably have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m just working through some things right now and need some time to myself. Thanks for understanding.”
    • Otherwise, make gentle excuses: You're too busy, you have a huge project this month, you need to help out at home more, etc. If your crush asks if there's a problem, explain to them there's a lot going on right now, but you want to hang out with them once things get more manageable.
    • Also, mute, unfollow, or block them on social media so you don’t have to see their posts, which might make it harder to move on.
  2. If there’s no way to avoid them, and you can’t get them out of your mind, it might be worth explaining how you feel to your crush. Licensed clinical psychologist Kateri Berasi, PsyD, says to “be honest and open up about your interest.” [6] That way, you’re both on the same page, and you can navigate this together, even if a relationship wouldn’t work.
    • For example, you might say, “It’s not a big deal, but I wanted to tell you I sort of have a crush on you. It doesn’t change our friendship, and we can stay just friends , but I can’t hide how I feel.”
    • If they’re a true friend, they’ll want to help. If they change, see you differently, or stop talking to you, then it wasn’t a very good friendship to begin with.
  3. 3
    Recommit to your friendship to strengthen your bond. Being “just friends” with someone isn’t some sort of punishment. In fact, getting over this road bump can make your friendship stronger. Dr. Berasi says you should trust “that the strength of your friendship will help you work through any difficulties that may arise.” [7]
    • Focus on the positives of your friendship. What do you do as friends that you couldn’t do as a couple? This can help remind you of why things are better this way.
  4. “Go out on more dates,” Bilotta suggests, “meet new people.” [8] Even just being around people who are eligible and whom it is possible to date will take your mind off your crush. And even if nothing happens, the chance that something could happen is much more exciting than chasing someone you can’t ever get together with. There are thousands of people out there just waiting to meet you!
    • If you aren't straight, try looking for people of compatible orientations at pride events, LGBT+ clubs, dating websites, or gay bars (if you're of drinking age).
    • Or, if you don’t want to date, focus on hanging out with other friends who can take your mind off your crush, or who can even offer advice.
  5. “Get back to self-love, focus on you and what makes you happy,” Bilotta urges. [9] Use this time to step back and re-evaluate ways you can improve your own life instead of devoting all that mental capital to your crush. Find a few distracting tasks to take care of, and you'll be a better, more peaceful person who doesn’t worry so much about your crush. [10]
    • Give yourself a mini-makeover . It can be as simple as changing your hairstyle, or buying some new clothes. Make sure it's something that will boost your confidence.
    • Get organized . If it's been a while since you've cleaned out your closet/car/garage/basement, get on it! Sorting through old junk can be a meditative process, and you'll probably feel relaxed and accomplished when you're done.
    • Work out . Exercise clears the mind—when you're so focused on pushing your body, you can't afford to worry about much else besides breathing and moving.
    • Make art. Write, draw, sing. Or, just read a book or watch a movie.
  6. Rejection can sting, but it doesn’t make you any less worthy, or any less amazing. It’s not always easy to remember that, though, so to stay on top of your mental health and self-esteem, make sure to get plenty of sleep. Consider meditating to clear your mind, and don’t skip any meals—you need to stay energized. Take care of your mental health so that you can feel good about yourself and move on. [11]
    • Write two lists: one list of things you're grateful for, and one list of things you're good at (work, hobbies, social skills, etc.). Tape these lists to your wall where you can see them every day.
    • Practice positive self-talk. [12] Look at yourself in the mirror a few times a day, and say whatever it is that you need to hear. It might be "You'll find someone better" or "No one is worth all this moping," or even just "I am awesome." Repeat it until you believe it.
    • Volunteer . Clean up neighborhoods, teach underprivileged children, work at a soup kitchen, or help out online at websites like wikiHow. Doing good work will help you feel proud of yourself.
  7. 7
    Talk to a therapist or counselor for more personalized help. Talking to a therapist or counselor is a great way to sort out your feelings and hatch a plan to deal with them. Therapists aren’t just for people with illnesses or trauma; they can be huge allies when it comes to heartbreak, attraction, and romance, too!
    • It helps to know that you have someone in your corner who understands and is rooting for you.
    EXPERT TIP

    Casey Lee

    Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
    Casey Lee is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. With over a decade of experience, he specializes in facilitating growth and healing through co-creating safe and secure connections with couples. Casey holds an MA in Clinical Counseling from Columbia International University and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which he uses with all his couples. He is also a Level 2 Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapist (AEDP) Therapist and a Level 1 trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Therapist. Casey is a member of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the National Board of Certified Counselors, and an affiliate member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
    Casey Lee
    Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)

    Go into the pain with another who is a safe person.. Whether it is sadness or anger or fear, our emotions need to be felt through to completion with someone that will hear, support and be there with us. When we can do that, healing starts to happen.

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Section 3 of 3:

How long does it take to get over a crush?

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  1. It usually takes 6-24 months to get over a crush. Breakup and healing coach Amy Chan tells us that “research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years.” [13] Relationship coach Sarah Schewitz, PsyD, adds that “it's really just personal,” and that there’s no set schedule for recovering from a crush. [14] It depends on how close you were, how long you’ve known them, and your own personality type and attachments.
    • That said, dating coach John Keegan says the sooner you decide you want to move on, the sooner you will move on. [15]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1072 wikiHow readers what’s the longest a crush has lasted for them, and 61% of them said over a year. [Take Poll] The longer you like someone, the harder it can be to get over them. Putting some distance between you can sometimes help you focus on other things.

Join the Discussion...

How do you get over a crush?
wikiHow Editorial Team
Accepting you have a crush is the first step to overcoming it. However, getting over a crush can take time (especially if you see them every day), so go easy on yourself if weeks pass and you're still hung up! If your crush is intense, you may even feel some grief at the thought of letting go of the fantasy of being with this person. It's important to let yourself feel your feelings, from sadness to anger to loneliness. Talking to trusted friends can help, as can journaling to process your emotions.

A shift in your mindset may help you overcome your crush too: we tend to idealize crushes and put them on pedestals, so reminding yourself that your crush is only human can help dispel the fantasy. Distract yourself by meeting new people and engaging in new hobbies: this may help remind you that there's more to life outside of your feelings for your crush.
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Getting over a crush starts with acknowledging your feelings while also giving yourself a firm nudge to move forward. Try redirecting your focus by filling your time with activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies, socializing, or personal goals. It can also help to reframe the situation as sometimes a crush is more about the excitement of possibility rather than the reality of a true connection. If you find yourself ruminating, using structured thought exercises like the Mental Shortlist Technique from my book Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety can help you contain and process those emotions in a healthy way.
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
1
Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet
2
Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love
3
How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated
4
Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams
5
Stop Liking Someone
6
Overcome an Infatuation

Community Q&A

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  • Question
    What if my crush has indicated interest in the past, but seems uncomfortable now?
    Community Answer
    I think he might be unsure about his own sexual orientation; maybe he partially liked it but cannot get over the fact that he might be gay. Maybe he is gay, maybe he is not, or maybe he still doesn't know! Give him time, but don't force yourself on him if he truly isn't interested.
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  • Question
    I have a crush on this guy in my religion class, he seems as straight as a board but I kissed him once in the locker room and he kissed me back, should I ask him out?
    Community Answer
    If you want to pursue this, you should. Always remember to be respectful, though. If you don't know which orientation he leans towards, you should try asking him. Maybe by hinting towards your shared kiss. IF he is not into your gender, don't pursue it further, you won't change his mind.
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  • Question
    What is the best way for a gay man to get over a crush with his straight, male personal trainer?
    Community Answer
    I don't want to tell you to find a new trainer, but if it's completely necessary you probably should. Your crush could become unhealthy and it's easier and more realistic to separate yourself than to get over it.
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      Tips

      • Before deciding to get over them, make sure that your information is reliable. Lots of people who seem straight aren’t. They could be bisexual, pansexual, heteroflexible, et cetera. Hearsay and guesswork are less reliable than words directly from the person's mouth.
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      • Don't become friends with someone simply in the hopes of dating them. You'll both end up frustrated. You're better off cutting off the relationship.
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      • Don't force feelings for anyone! You don't have to have a crush 24/7, and if you don't like anyone at the moment, that's ok.
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      References

      1. ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Relationship Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Relationship Psychologist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-to-do-when-your-crush-doesnt-like-you-back/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/8-steps-to-improving-your-self-esteem
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201605/the-power-positive-self-talk
      4. ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview

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        Jun 26, 2018

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