The Best Way to React When Someone Calls You Narcissistic

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Learn how to respond if someone says you’re a narcissist
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If someone called you a narcissist, you’re probably wondering why, how to reply, and whether they were right to call you that. It’s painful to be given such a harsh label, but if you remain calm and respectful, you can take steps to solve the issue. In this article, we’ll explain all the different ways you can respond to the accusation and help you reflect on the situation, so you can pick the best course of action. Plus, we also spoke to licensed professional clinical counselor Jay Reid to bring you the best advice on handling someone with narcissistic traits or tendencies.

How should you react if you’re called a narcissist?

If someone calls you a narcissist, the best thing you can do is stay assertive and calm. Be clear and concise if you refute or disagree with what they said, or simply ignore the comment. Try your best not to take it personally and focus on your own truth.

Section 1 of 4:

What to Do If Someone Calls You Narcissistic

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  1. Decide how you'll respond once you’ve thought about all possibilities. The word “narcissistic” is tossed around a lot, but it's not always used correctly. There are many reasons someone might call you that, and each one requires a different kind of response. In some cases, an accusation like that isn’t genuine or cause for worry, while in others, it might be something you need to carefully consider.
    • Someone might call you “narcissistic” in the heat of the moment, but not really mean it.
    • The person who called you narcissistic might really be upset and think you’re acting selfishly. However, that doesn't automatically make you a real narcissist (AKA, somebody with narcissistic personality disorder).
    • Someone could be using that word because it's become so normalized, and they may not be considering the implications of hurling the term around. [1]
    • The person could even have traits of a narcissist. Gaslighting is common among narcissistic people, and they might be trying to turn the tables on you by saying you’re “selfish” or “only thinking about yourself.” [2]
    • If your therapist or psychologist says you’re a narcissist, then it’s something to be taken seriously—and to discuss further with them.
  2. Unless a psychologist agrees, being called narcissistic is no guarantee that you have narcissistic traits. However, the general term “narcissism” and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are two very different things. NPD is a medical disorder, and people who have it are manipulative and selfish, with an inflated sense of self-importance. NPD also refers to people who act that way consistently; if you don't, you probably don't have it. [3]
    • If you had one moment of poor behavior that led to someone calling you “narcissistic,” it doesn't mean you have NPD. Everyone makes mistakes!
    • “Narcissistic” is often a subjective label, especially with the rise of social media. People become concerned with their online image in a way that can be interpreted as narcissism—but most cases aren’t actual NPD. [4]
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  3. Instead of fighting back or accusing this person of being narcissistic themselves, take a deep breath and walk away if you need to. It's important to stay calm so that you can better control your behavior and more clearly understand the other person's words and actions, too. [5]
    • It’s tempting to fight back, but getting angry, calling names, or being childish only keeps the conflict going. If your goal is to resolve the issue, calm is the way to go.
  4. In most cases, someone calling you narcissistic doesn’t really mean it. Often, a person will use the word to make a quick emotional jab at someone before the moment passes. If they do mean it, you can easily address that in a respectful, non-confrontational way. Regardless, being called narcissistic is usually a short-lived issue that you can fix with careful conversation and effort.
    • If you take their accusation personally, you’re more likely to be defensive and resentful around this person. Empathize with their feelings instead to try to see where they’re coming from. [6]
  5. Own up to your mistakes to show them you’re not narcissistic. If it's clear that you acted selfishly without considering someone else’s needs, give them a genuine and thorough apology. The best apologies include acknowledging what you did wrong, how it made the other person feel, and what you plan to change to do better in the future. [7]
    • For example: “I’m so sorry that I was selfish about the time we were spending together. I know my behavior made you feel stifled, and I don’t want that. I got jealous and let that control my actions, but I plan to control my actions in the future.”
    • If you don’t already have a plan, ask the other person how you can make amends. They will tell you what they need to move forward.
    • As Reid explains, people diagnosed with NPD rarely apologize and mean those apologies even less. [8] By apologizing earnestly, you’re already showing this person that you’re not narcissistic.
  6. Create an open dialogue to get to the bottom of the situation. When you talk to them, make sure you’re respectful at all times and avoid accusatory language (even though they’ve already used it with you). As Reid advises, the best thing you can do is remain calm and not add more fire to the situation. [9] Stay open-minded. This person may even have misunderstood your actions, and you can use the opportunity to clarify and resolve things with them. [10]
    • You could say, “Can I ask for clarification on why you called me selfish? I'm genuinely not sure what I've done, but I want to listen to your perspective and fix my mistakes if I can.”
    • Try this method when you know the other person is open to a discussion and willing to talk to you earnestly about why they said you were narcissistic.
  7. Sometimes, name-calling is just that, and it doesn’t deserve a response. If you ignore someone calling you a narcissist, then you’re refusing to add fuel to the fire and start a bigger conflict with them. When you don’t want to engage or argue with someone, it’s okay to pick your battles and let go of something that doesn't feel worth the fight. [11]
    • This is an ideal response when you’re dealing with someone naturally argumentative. If you know that even attempts to talk respectfully lead to an argument, ignoring and moving on could be better.
    • You know you’re not a narcissist, so just let the comment go!
  8. Explain your feelings to prove that you don’t take their remark lightly. Use “I” statements so that you’re keeping the focus on your feelings and not on blaming the other person for their actions. You can still offer to apologize or fix a mistake that you made, but make it clear that they’ve hurt your feelings too with a false accusation. [12]
    • You could say, “I understand you're upset with me, but I feel upset by what you said, and I think ‘narcissistic’ is an unfair label. I’d like to talk about this and make sure we’re on the same page here.”
    • When you say your piece, point out that true narcissists are quite rare, and the term “narcissistic” is often misused on people who don’t have NPD.
  9. Laugh it off to show them you’re not taking the comment to heart. A smart or sarcastic remark can reduce the tension and keep conflict in check. Remember that this isn’t always the best way to deal with an accusation from someone you don’t know well, so it may be best to save funny quips for people you know can handle being teased. Otherwise, you may end up making things worse!
    • Try saying, “Isn’t my whole generation supposed to be narcissistic at this point? Oh, well,” or “Is there anything else I’ve been doing that’s annoyed you? I’m really just going for it this week.”
  10. Someone with diagnosable NPD might lash out and call you a narcissist to shift blame onto you when they’re the one in the wrong. It shows a lack of self-awareness and a tendency to project, which people with NPD are known to do. When someone with narcissistic tendencies calls you out for it instead of acknowledging their own shortcomings, be non-committal and don’t take the bait. [13]
    • Other common warning signs of NPD include: a need for constant praise, living in a fantasy world, delusions of grandeur, entitlement, exploiting others shamelessly, and bullying others. [14]
    • To give a non-committal response, try saying something like, “That’s an interesting way to feel,” or “Okay, if that’s what you think.” Don't try to tell them they’re wrong or right—just acknowledge them and move on.
    • Keeping your response neutral and boring stops the conflict from escalating further and will hopefully make them lose interest in the conversation.
  11. A psychologist can evaluate you and put your mind at ease. Keep in mind that nobody other than a doctor or psychologist who is directly and professionally treating you can diagnose you with NPD. If you’ve gotten to this point and still think you might have NPD, then it may be time to make an appointment with a licensed expert.
    • Find a psychologist you feel comfortable opening up to, and be sure to check the different listings to see which psychologist has good experience that lines up with your needs. [15]
    • As Reid points out, people with NPD are among the least likely to investigate their own potential diagnosis. [16] The fact that you’re taking the time to explore and learn says you're probably not narcissistic at all! [17]
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Section 2 of 4:

Will a narcissist call you a narcissist?

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  1. Yes, it’s likely a narcissist will call you a narcissist. A common trait amongst those with narcissistic traits is gaslighting. Someone who’s narcissistic may say falsehoods or twist the truth to make you doubt yourself. [18] This is a form of manipulation, and while it may not be obvious, it can be hurtful.
    • More often than not, a narcissistic person will call you a narcissist if they realize you’re “on to them.” Maybe you start setting boundaries or standing up for yourself. In an effort to remain in control, they might start twisting the truth so you believe you’re the narcissist, not them.
    • Why do narcissists want you to doubt yourself? If you don’t have faith in your own beliefs, experiences, or memories, it can be easier for them to control you.
Section 3 of 4:

Will a narcissist call their spouse a narcissist?

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  1. Yes, a narcissistic person may call their spouse a narcissist because they’re projecting. Those with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to project their insecurities onto others. If your husband or wife calls you “narcissistic” but has narcissistic traits themselves, they’re likely doing so as a way to push the blame off of themselves. [19] In other words, if they can make you believe you’re the narcissist, it’s easier to convince you they haven’t done anything wrong; they’re the victim.
    • Think of it in this context: Someone narcissistic might claim their spouse cheated on them when, in actuality, the narcissist cheated on the spouse. The same logic goes toward falsely calling a spouse “narcissistic.”
    • What can you do? Stay firm in your beliefs and trust your memories and instincts. Avoid trying to disprove them, and instead, ignore the bait, if you can.
    • Unsure if you’re spouse or partner is narcissistic? Check out the “Signs you’re dating a narcissist?” forum page for support.
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Section 4 of 4:

What happens when you call a narcissist a narcissist?

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  1. Calling out a narcissistic person may lead to a confrontation. Everyone is different; therefore, it’s not possible to guess exactly how someone will react to being called a narcissist. However, it’s very likely that someone with narcissistic traits will respond with denial or anger. Most narcissistic people will try to turn the tables, denying the claim and stating that you’re the narcissist instead. Others may lash out, shout, or grow physically angry at the accusation. Both of these responses are an attempt to defend themselves. [20]
    • In some cases, a narcissistic person might give you the silent treatment. This is an emotional manipulation used to make you feel abandoned or uncertain about yourself.
    • What do you do? The best way to handle a narcissistic person is to maintain your boundaries . Stay firm in your beliefs, even if they make you question them. If calling out a narcissistic person for toxic behavior causes you to feel physically unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

    Warning: At the end of the day, experts advise against calling people “narcissists” because, unless you know they’ve been diagnosed with the condition, it’s a big and harmful assumption. [21]

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Narcissist or an Empath?

Empath, narcissist, or somewhere in between? If you’re wondering where you rank, you’ve come to the right place. This quiz is fine-tuned to help you know yourself better and increase your self-awareness. So whether you’re a super empathetic softie or you’re all about yourself, you’ll know in a matter of minutes. Take our quiz to discover more!
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    I'm just trying to figure out why my wife is always calling me a narcissist.
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    Maybe she wants more attention from you. If she calls you narcissistic again, think about how you both were acting.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist
      2. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissist-gaslighting.html
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
      4. ↑ https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
      7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-genuinely-apologize/
      8. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.judgeanthony.com/blog/what-happens-when-you-call-out-a-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
      7. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd
      9. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissist-gaslighting.html
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      11. ↑ https://www.judgeanthony.com/blog/what-happens-when-you-call-out-a-narcissist
      12. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/narcissist-signs

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