I miss my ex so much
My boyfriend and i broke up almost a year ago, i still miss him every day. It almost feels like it just happened still. Why do I miss him so much? Will this ever get easier? How do you move on from the love of your life?
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For a complete guide to this topic, read the wikiHow article 10 Reasons You Still Miss Your Ex and How to Deal with Those Feelings
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Expert Comments
It usually takes somewhere between about six months to two years to get over a breakup. Once you understand what's happening in the brain, you'll realize that feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural. The same flood of chemicals that cause you to be blissfully in lust during the beginning stages of love are the exact same chemicals that cause you to painfully suffer when it ends.
During the first stage of dating, a flood of chemicals is at play, designed to make you and your mate procreate. The exhilaration, the obsessive thoughts of your new beloved, and the butterflies-in-stomach feelings are all a result of the motivation system — the mating drive that is a part of the reward system in the brain.
The rewards system is responsible for the release of dopamine. Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that leaves you wanting more of whatever stimulus gave you the reward in the first place — whether the stimulus is nicotine, chocolate, or a loving touch from your partner. Dopamine cravings motivate you to act accordingly to get more of whatever it is you need, and in the case of romance, that need is your beloved. The brain is expecting the reward to come in (validation from the partner, acknowledgment, return of affection, etc.).
However, after a breakup, the reward is either delayed or doesn't come at all. Even though on a cognitive level you know the relationship is over, the neurons in your brain that are expecting reward do not shut down, keeping you unconsciously in love and addicted to your ex to get your fix.
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During the first stage of dating, a flood of chemicals is at play, designed to make you and your mate procreate. The exhilaration, the obsessive thoughts of your new beloved, and the butterflies-in-stomach feelings are all a result of the motivation system — the mating drive that is a part of the reward system in the brain.
The rewards system is responsible for the release of dopamine. Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that leaves you wanting more of whatever stimulus gave you the reward in the first place — whether the stimulus is nicotine, chocolate, or a loving touch from your partner. Dopamine cravings motivate you to act accordingly to get more of whatever it is you need, and in the case of romance, that need is your beloved. The brain is expecting the reward to come in (validation from the partner, acknowledgment, return of affection, etc.).
However, after a breakup, the reward is either delayed or doesn't come at all. Even though on a cognitive level you know the relationship is over, the neurons in your brain that are expecting reward do not shut down, keeping you unconsciously in love and addicted to your ex to get your fix.
Reader Comments
1. You miss him so much because you spent a lot of time with him, were vulnerable with him, felt safe with him, had strong feelings for him, and many more reasons. It totally makes sense for you to be hurting.
2. Yes, it does get easier. It's hard to believe that it gets easier when your emotions are still so raw, but you have to trust that time will heal you. It took me nearly 2 years to get over my last breakup.
3. You move on from the love of your life by focusing on yourself. Breakups can be hard on you, so make sure that you're giving your body the nutrients and rest that it needs. Take care of your mental and emotional health too by doing things that bring you joy and spending time with people who uplift you.
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2. Yes, it does get easier. It's hard to believe that it gets easier when your emotions are still so raw, but you have to trust that time will heal you. It took me nearly 2 years to get over my last breakup.
3. You move on from the love of your life by focusing on yourself. Breakups can be hard on you, so make sure that you're giving your body the nutrients and rest that it needs. Take care of your mental and emotional health too by doing things that bring you joy and spending time with people who uplift you.
It's super normal to miss your ex! Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. What helped me heal from a really bad breakup was getting a therapist. Having a space to process my emotions in was so valuable. I know therapy can be expensive tho so if you have caring friend who is willing to listen or even a journal that you can reflect in, that could work too!
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First off, I'm so sorry about your breakup. I know those can be devastating. It took me a long, long time to get over my ex. It's been almost 5 years and honestly I still miss her every now and then. Try your best to be kind to yourself, and don't pressure yourself to heal faster than you need to. You're allowed to take time to heal. If you can, try to get rid of any reminders of your ex. Every time you see something that reminds you of them, you make it a little harder to heal.
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Breakups are rough. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago and I still miss him a lot, but things are getting better. Spending time with others helped a lot to take my mind off things and build up rewarding platonic relationships. I also kept myself busy with work, school, and working on myself (eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, learning, etc.). I try to focus on the positives of the relationship. I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship from my time with my ex, so I try to be grateful for that. I remind myself that this is just taking me one step closer to having a relationship with the person who is meant for me.
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I understand you, this year it will be 3 years since I broke up with my ex and from time to time I continue to miss him and even now I remember our relationship with him again, but I give myself time to heal as much as I need. Therefore, I believe that you will also be able to recover, and I wish you good luck.
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I find myself asking the same questions. My heart feels raw and broken. Not a day goes by I do not find myself thinking about him, its like he's become my imaginary friend.
He was my best friend.
We were together for 4 years, married, and about to embark on making a family and buying a home. I ended things because I caught him adding girls and liking their posts (semi naked), I'd previously spoken to him about how, as his wife, it shows a lack of respect and care to me and our relationship. He had done it before 2 years prior and assured me he would never do it again. To this day, he is adamant that he did not do it this time.
Unfortunately at the time, we were living with my parents, so for nearly 3 years we were confined to one room with little space. We both missed our alone time. For external reasons, our mental health deteriorated and we lost our sense of self.
The main difficulty we had was effective communication. He would become anxious and need reassurance immediately, whereas I would feel overwhelmed and shut down, needing more time to process, leaving us both feel like our needs were not met.
It has been nearly a year since he moved out. We're currently in the process of a divorce. I'm doing everything I can to move on; went to therapy, journaled, allowed my feelings to take over and cried ALOT, reconnected and spent time with friends and family, threw myself into work and requested higher pay (I was already going above and beyond my responsibilities), this was not in their budget so I left, and have now been travelling the world with the money I saved to buy a house. I've even tried dating, but I still don't want anyone else.
Within the first few months of separation, I reached out and wanted to try and reconnect, start dating again. He said he did not want to take the risk, but he still loves me. He also said he's not opened up to anyone about our break up, and is just 'getting on with things'.
We are no longer on talking terms. He has blocked me on everything but email. Before I left to go on my travels, I sent him an email; hoping he is well, apologising for my part in the break down of the relationship, forgiving him, and thanking him for the journey of falling in love with somebody unconditionally. He did not respond, which is okay, I didn't do it for that.
He has been round my house to pick up letters, telling my mum he's seen my travel posts through his friends social media.
I am grateful this break up happened, I had to loose the old me and rebuild to become something more. I've learnt so much and practiced how to better communicate with the relationships around me. I understand how we lacked the tools needed to move onto the next level of our relationship.
I can't help but feel that this is not the end for us. I truly believe we can have a happy future together if he is putting the work in to be a better version of himself, as I am doing now.
I know I probably sound delusional and this is not the place to unload... but I'm just being honest with the way I feel.
So I will continue to live my own life, with the future unwritten and full of possibilities. Even if he remains to be my unfinished love story, I feel comfort in the person I've become because of it.
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He was my best friend.
We were together for 4 years, married, and about to embark on making a family and buying a home. I ended things because I caught him adding girls and liking their posts (semi naked), I'd previously spoken to him about how, as his wife, it shows a lack of respect and care to me and our relationship. He had done it before 2 years prior and assured me he would never do it again. To this day, he is adamant that he did not do it this time.
Unfortunately at the time, we were living with my parents, so for nearly 3 years we were confined to one room with little space. We both missed our alone time. For external reasons, our mental health deteriorated and we lost our sense of self.
The main difficulty we had was effective communication. He would become anxious and need reassurance immediately, whereas I would feel overwhelmed and shut down, needing more time to process, leaving us both feel like our needs were not met.
It has been nearly a year since he moved out. We're currently in the process of a divorce. I'm doing everything I can to move on; went to therapy, journaled, allowed my feelings to take over and cried ALOT, reconnected and spent time with friends and family, threw myself into work and requested higher pay (I was already going above and beyond my responsibilities), this was not in their budget so I left, and have now been travelling the world with the money I saved to buy a house. I've even tried dating, but I still don't want anyone else.
Within the first few months of separation, I reached out and wanted to try and reconnect, start dating again. He said he did not want to take the risk, but he still loves me. He also said he's not opened up to anyone about our break up, and is just 'getting on with things'.
We are no longer on talking terms. He has blocked me on everything but email. Before I left to go on my travels, I sent him an email; hoping he is well, apologising for my part in the break down of the relationship, forgiving him, and thanking him for the journey of falling in love with somebody unconditionally. He did not respond, which is okay, I didn't do it for that.
He has been round my house to pick up letters, telling my mum he's seen my travel posts through his friends social media.
I am grateful this break up happened, I had to loose the old me and rebuild to become something more. I've learnt so much and practiced how to better communicate with the relationships around me. I understand how we lacked the tools needed to move onto the next level of our relationship.
I can't help but feel that this is not the end for us. I truly believe we can have a happy future together if he is putting the work in to be a better version of himself, as I am doing now.
I know I probably sound delusional and this is not the place to unload... but I'm just being honest with the way I feel.
So I will continue to live my own life, with the future unwritten and full of possibilities. Even if he remains to be my unfinished love story, I feel comfort in the person I've become because of it.
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