How to Communicate With an Avoidant Partner & Improve Your Connection

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Expert-approved ways to increase intimacy and support your partner
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Does your partner need a lot of space? Do they tend to shut down when it comes to emotions? If so, you might be in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. At times, this may leave you confused or frustrated. However, by providing love and understanding, you can foster communication and increase intimacy with your partner over time. We spoke with psychologists Liana Georgoulis, PsyD, and Leslie Bosch, PhD, to bring you the best advice on how to talk to a partner with an avoidant attachment style.

Communicating with an Avoidant

  1. Give your partner time to work through things on their own before approaching them.
  2. Make time to talk about issues when you’re both calm.
  3. Use a neutral, non-judgmental tone when talking to them.
  4. Be direct with what you want using “I” statements.
  5. Set boundaries by discussing your and your partner’s wants and needs.
Section 1 of 3:

How to Talk to an Avoidant Partner

  1. When tensions run high, an avoidant partner may shut down. Studies show that avoidant types tend to respond well to indirect language that doesn’t put their guard up. When you’re getting ready to approach your partner with a problem, try taking a few deep breaths and counting to 10 before you talk to them about it. [1] Try starting the conversation with:
    • “Do you have a second to talk? I wanted to chat about what happened the other day. Don’t worry, it’s not anything super serious.”
    • “Hey, could we chat real fast? I just wanted to talk something through with you, but I’m not mad.”
  2. Many avoidants can shut down in the face of other people’s emotions. When you’re talking about your feelings (which you should feel free to do in a relationship), try your best to say things in a neutral tone without a ton of emotion behind them. It can be tough to calm down enough to do this in a charged situation, but your partner may be more receptive toward your needs if you are. [2]
    • If you’re having a tough time keeping your tone neutral, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 before you start talking.
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  3. A lot of avoidants struggle with low self-esteem. They tend to take criticism very personally, even if it’s not a reflection of their character. [3] Georgoulis recommends using language that won’t make your partner upset, and when you’re discussing problems, using “I” statements to avoid putting blame on them.
    • Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “When I don’t hear from you throughout the day, I feel worried.”
    • Instead of “You treat me terribly,” try, “I feel like I should be a higher priority in your life.”
  4. Avoidant partners often have a hard time picking up on hints. Instead of trying to nudge your partner in the right direction, talk to them clearly and concisely, and spell out exactly what you need . The clearer you can be, the more your partner will understand your needs and work to meet them. [4] For example, you might say:
    • “I’d really like it if we could spend at least 2 days a week together. Does that work for your schedule?”
    • “It’s fine if you’re busy, but I need you to text me at least once a day. I just want to know that you’re okay.”
  5. Healthy boundaries tell your partner what’s okay and what isn’t. Even though your partner has an avoidant attachment style, it doesn’t mean you need to put up with behavior you don’t like. [5] Georgoulis advises setting boundaries right away so your partner knows how you’d like to be treated in the future. Here are some ways you can start expressing your boundaries:
    • “I know you don’t like talking about your emotions, but sometimes, I need to express mine. Can you try to listen to me, even when it’s uncomfortable for you?”
    • “When you need space, just let me know. I’m fine leaving you alone for a while, but I need to know ahead of time so I don’t worry about you.”
  6. You and your partner’s communication styles may be different, and that’s okay. Instead of trying to change your partner, do your best to bend a little and meet them halfway. Find something that you can both live with to be content in your relationship. [6] Here are some examples of how you can compromise :
    • “I understand that you need your space, but I’d like to spend more quality time together. Could we try to go out on a date at least once a week?”
    • “We don’t need to call each other every day—I know that’s tough for you. Maybe we could commit to at least texting each other in the evening?”
  7. Your partner is more likely to repeat things if you notice their hard work. When your partner tries their best to meet your needs or does something uncomfortable, tell them that you’ve noticed and you’re grateful for it. Over time, this can encourage them to keep trying to make healthy changes in the relationship. [7] For example, you might say:
    • “Thanks for texting me yesterday when you needed some space. It was great to know beforehand that I wouldn’t hear from you.”
    • “I really appreciate you listening to me talk about this. I know emotions are tough for you to handle, and I can tell you’re working hard.”
  8. Your partner is more likely to open up if you listen carefully to what they say. People with avoidant attachment styles find it difficult to talk about what they’re feeling, so they don’t do it often. If your partner trusts you enough to get deep with you, show that you’re listening by putting away distractions and making eye contact with them. [8]
    • Ask follow-up questions to show that you want them to keep going. Say things like, “Interesting, can you tell me more?” or, “Could you explain that?”
    • Georgoulis explains that empathetic listening also gives your partner a good model of how they should be listening to you.
    EXPERT TIP

    Leslie Bosch, PhD

    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist

    People with an avoidant attachment style often feel like an emotional burden. Many avoidants avoid sharing or expressing their feeling with their partners because they worry they’ll be a burden. They try to minimize their emotions to appear calm, collected, and independent.

  9. Your partner may feel more secure if they can rely on you. People with avoidant attachment styles are often scared to get close to other people because they’re worried they might get hurt. Be a supportive partner and show them that they can lean on you no matter what—the safer and more secure they feel with you, the more they’ll open up. [9]
    • For instance, you might help them change their flat tire or give them a ride when they need it. Even little things can improve your relationship and bring you closer together.
  10. They may never say it out loud, but many avoidants crave romantic love. While it might seem like your partner wants space from you all the time, it’s more likely that they crave your attention but don’t know how to ask for it. Don’t give up on showing your partner love —the more you do it, the more they’ll get used to it. And when your partner feels more comfortable, your communication will improve, too. [10]
    • If your partner is uncomfortable with words of affirmation, try showing them affection in other ways. Buy them a small gift or do a chore for them around the house to let them know you care.
  11. Waiting for your partner to change can lead to heartbreak. It’s easy to get swept up in the hope that your partner might make a ton of awesome changes and break through their avoidant habits. Change is possible, but it’s also important to love them as they are right now. [11]
    • Avoid staying in the relationship if you only want your partner to change. While change can happen, it wouldn’t be fair to them to lead them on if you don’t accept every version of them.
  12. Avoidant partners tend to shut down out of self-preservation. It can be frustrating when your partner won’t talk through issues with you. Try to remember that they probably don’t like it either, but they can’t help it. As Georgoulis advises, the more you can give them understanding and grace, the better your communication will be.
    • Try to focus on what you can change, not what you can’t. You can’t change your partner’s attachment style, but you can change how you react to their behavior.
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Section 2 of 3:

How can you help an avoidant partner?

  1. Avoidant partners need to spend a lot of time on their own. Being with your partner 24/7 may make them feel overwhelmed and trigger a shutdown. To avoid this, give them plenty of time to do activities independently. Not only does this show that you trust them, but it also gives them time to recharge. [12]
    • Maybe you and your partner schedule one day a week to each go off on a solo adventure. Then, when you return, you can share everything you did with one another.
    • This also goes along with communicating with an avoidant partner. If your partner doesn’t seem receptive to opening up to you right now, give them some time to work through things on their own before you approach them again. [13]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 663 wikiHow readers about the most effective ways to deal with a dismissive avoidant partner, and only 9% of them recommended letting your partner know when they do something you like . [Take Poll] Instead, giving your partner space can be a more effective way to improve your communication.
  2. 2
    Focus on understanding your partner’s needs. Communication and intimacy can be difficult with an avoidant partner, especially if they start to shut down. To improve your relationship and better support your partner, learn about their feelings and preferences—what do they need to feel safe and secure? [14] Here are some questions you can ask your partner to learn how you can support them:
    • How can I best support you?
    • How can I be a better partner to you?
    • What does love and support look like to you?
    • How do you prefer to receive love and support?
    • What would make you more comfortable when sharing your feelings?
    • If you could adjust one way I talk to you, what would it be and why? [15]
    • When in our relationship do you feel like a team, and when do you feel alone?
  3. 3
    Respect your partner’s boundaries. While it’s important to establish your own boundaries, it’s also just as important to respect your partner’s. Listen to what they want and need in the relationship, and do your best to give them exactly that. This shows them that you’re someone they can trust and rely on—you’re creating a safe space for them. [16]
    • Respecting boundaries might look like not holding their hand in public if it makes them uncomfortable or asking them if it’s okay to post something about your relationship online.
  4. 4
    Let go of control. Those with an avoidant attachment style are independent and self-reliant. While it’s important to show that they don’t have to go through things alone, it’s also just as important to give them space. Allow your partner to make their own decisions and choices. It’s okay to guide them (when they ask for it), but do your best to avoid controlling what they do. [17]
    • Focus on what you can control in your life rather than your partner’s.
    • Have trust that your partner is capable—they know what they’re doing.
  5. People with avoidant attachment styles can talk to a mental health professional to work toward a more secure attachment. A professional can help your partner feel more secure in their emotions and open up to others. Try suggesting that your partner see a therapist, or ask them to try couples counseling with you. [18] You might say:
    • “Have you ever thought about seeing a professional? I think they could help a lot with what you’re struggling with.”
    • “I think that we should see a couple’s counselor together. They can help us find a communication style that works for both of us.”
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Section 3 of 3:

What is an avoidant partner?

  1. 1
    An avoidant partner distances themselves from conflict and difficult emotions. Has your partner needed a lot of space recently? Do they seem to shut down when conflict arises, or when you ask how they are? If so, they may have an avoidant attachment style . Those with an avoidant attachment style are highly independent and do everything they can to avoid conflict. They often feel uncomfortable when experiencing difficult emotions and tend to distance themselves from people because of it. [19] To protect themselves, an avoidant partner may close themselves off emotionally and be less intimate, especially if the relationship is becoming long-term. [20]
    • Relationships with an avoidant partner may seem more surface-level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t crave love and affection—it’s just harder for them to open up and commit. [21]
    • People with avoidant attachment styles often crave intimacy, but at the same time, they’re afraid of it. This is why your partner might be cold or shut down sometimes—it’s their way of coping with that fear.
    • An avoidant attachment style typically forms in childhood as a result of neglect or a negative association with emotions.
  2. If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they’re most likely fiercely independent. They probably won’t ask for help often. You may have to pry to get them to open up, and they might have even called you “needy” for expressing your emotions in the past. [22] Here are other common signs of an avoidant attachment style: [23]
    • A high need for independence
    • Distrusting others and emotions
    • Withdrawing from long-term or close relationships
    • Emotional self-reliance
    • Discomfort with emotional intimacy
    • Difficulty expressing needs
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How Can You Communicate Effectively With an Avoidant Partner?


Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?

Do you ever feel worried or insecure about your relationship? Do you wonder if your partner actually doesn't care for you, even though they say do? Relationship anxiety has many underlying causes, including an anxious attachment style or a lack of self-esteem. This quiz can help you determine if you have relationship anxiety and address any anxious patterns.
1 of 12

Do you have trouble communicating your wants and needs to your partner?

Join the Discussion...

What's it like being in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment?
WikiDesertCaster243
WikiDesertCaster243
My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This honestly was the first time I've heard of it at all, so I wasn't sure. Is it good? Bad? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
wikiHow Editorial Team
People with an avoidant attachment style may be very independent, feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and have trouble communicating about feelings and being vulnerable.

To best support your partner, show them compassion and understanding, and give them space when they need it. Encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself, and validating their feelings when they do share them.

Don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met. It can help to learn more about your own attachment style, too. If you're not sure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz .
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
I know it might be too late, but wanted to add to this post!

With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.

First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.

This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.


Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5181851/
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5181851/
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
      4. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
      5. ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-importance-of-boundaries-in-romantic-relationships/
      6. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249718974_Attachment_Style_and_Willingness_to_Compromise_When_Choosing_a_Mate
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5181851/
      8. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/listening_is_a_powerful_relationship-building_tool_in_families
      9. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5181851/
      2. ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201703/the-best-relationships-wont-follow-the-old-rules
      5. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      6. ↑ https://firstthings.org/questions-for-couples-to-improve-communication/
      7. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-to-change/202406/fighting-the-need-to-control-in-close-relationships
      9. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9761-avoidant-personality-disorder
      10. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style
      11. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html
      12. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      14. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style

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