How to Get Back With an Ex (and What Not to Do)

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Rekindle an old flame without making old mistakes
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Contrary to popular dating advice, it’s not impossible to get back with your ex and make the relationship last, but it does take some careful thought and a little strategy. The key is making sure it’s what you really want and that you’re both ready. We talked to dating and relationship coaches and therapists to tell you if it’s a good idea, how to do it, and signs you probably shouldn’t. Plus, we’ll tell you what not to do when getting back with an ex, and help you explore why you want to get back together with them in the first place.

Rekindling a Relationship with Your Ex

Ask yourself why you broke up, and if you and your ex have grown past those reasons. Text them first to test the waters, and ask if they want to meet. When you talk, be honest about your past relationship, and tell them how and why you think it could work again. Take it slow, and don’t force it.

Section 1 of 7:

Is it possible to make it work with an ex?

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  1. “Sometimes a second chance can work,” relationship coach Michelle Jacoby tells us. [1] There’s no rule that says it’ll never work with an ex. Relationship therapist Allen Wagner, MFT, MA, explains that in couples that break up, “there's at least one, if not more, very big core issues that were never resolved between them.” [2] But people change with time, and it could be that you’re both more experienced and mature, and you can handle old problems in new ways.
    • That said, there are some times when it probably won’t work, depending on why you broke up. We’ll cover reasons you shouldn’t get back together later in the article.
    • If you want celeb examples, just look at Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, or Justin and Hailey Bieber. It can work!
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Section 2 of 7:

What to Do Before You Contact Your Ex

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  1. Wagner suggests doing a relationship post-mortem to get some insight into why things failed. [3] This will help you figure out whether this is a good idea or not, and give you some clues as to how you should reach out to your ex, and if it’s a good idea. [4] It also gives you red flag to look for when you talk to them again, to see if they’ve changed. Here are some reasons for breakups that can be overcome:
    • If you dated while you were young , chances are that you’re very different people now, and a new relationship would be much closer to a fresh relationship.
    • Physical distance is another common cause, such as dating in high school and then going to different colleges. This could be a second chance.
    • Naturally drifting apart . People change a lot when they’re young, and it’s possible the flame just died out slowly over time as you both started pursuing different things. Keep in mind that you may just drift apart again, though.
    • Commitment issues . While these can be painful and long-lasting, they’re also something people often grow out of.
    • Impulsive breakup . If you broke up at a moment’s notice, because of an unusual fight, but regretted it very soon after, the fight might have just been a one-off mistake.
  2. Jacoby recommends asking yourself honestly, “What's the point?” [5] Only you can answer this. Often, the feeling of wanting to get back with an ex is a sneaky one that you probably shouldn’t trust, so it’s best to interrogate it. Identify whether this impulse is coming from a healthy or unhealthy place. Think carefully about this one and take your time. Also ask yourself:
    • Am I just lonely and looking for comfort and company? Should I just hang out with friends instead?
    • Am I just tired of the dating pool and looking for something familiar? Is that really the best idea?
    • Do I really think there’s a chance things have changed? Or is it just wishful thinking?
    • Will this open old wounds that I’ve worked hard to heal?
    • Ask yourself if you’ve changed enough to try again. Or, do you want them back because you haven’t actually changed all that much?
  3. Before you pick up the phone, ask yourself if you’re in a place where a fresh start will actually be fresh, or if it’ll be just the old you dating your same old ex. Matchmaker April Davis says to “update your life” to improve your chances. Pick a personal project or goal and throw yourself at it. She also says to examine your wardrobe and style, and strive to update it. [6] Otherwise, your ex might not be convinced you’re the new and changed person that you are.
    • For example, maybe you went back to school, got a new job, or made a big move to a new city and now you’re back.
    • Ask yourself if your current style fits your new persona, and change your style if it feels old. Consider getting a new haircut or shopping for new outfits that feel more like the new you.
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Section 3 of 7:

How to Reconnect With Your Ex

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  1. The first step is establishing contact. [7] Your ex may have a bunch of feelings swell up when you contact them, and it may leave them flustered or confused. Give them time to figure out how they want to respond by reaching out over text or social media. This will keep things casual and let them have a level-headed reaction, which gives you an advantage.
    • “Hey! How are you?” is a perfectly reasonable place to start if things ended amicably.
    • You might come up with a “reason” for reaching out. You might say, “Remember that road trip we took to Maine? What was the name of that beach where we saw that huge fishing boat?”
    • The classic, “Hey stranger,” is always an option if you don’t want to make a huge opening statement.
    • If things ended kind of roughly, you might try “Hey, I know things ended kind of crazy, but I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I hope you don’t mind me reaching out. I’d love to hear about what you’re up to and how you’ve been.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1598 wikiHow readers and only 9% of them would reach out to an ex by calling and sharing their feelings. [Take Poll] So a casual text like this may be the best way to reconnect!
  2. Text with them for a few weeks to test the waters, or at least until you’ve established a good vibe and conversation flows smoothly. Then, even after you’ve established contact, meet in person to see if this is a good idea. Invite them somewhere public and low-stakes, like a cafe or a bar, just to talk and reconnect. [8] For example, you might say:
    • “I really regret how things ended between us, and I don’t want that to linger. Would you be down to meet up and talk?”
    • “No pressure at all, but I’ve been wanting to talk to you, just casually. Can we grab some drinks later?”
  3. Don’t rush to get romantic—just get to know each other again. That way, you can tell if the old problems still exist, and if it’s actually a good idea to get back together. [9] You don’t want to scare your ex off by overwhelming them too quickly, so take things slow. As you chat, keep things light, be friendly, and just enjoy your time talking to your ex.
    • This is an essential part of the process. You (and your ex) need time to sort of figure one another out and reestablish rapport. You might even decide you’re better as friends , anyway.
    • Wagner says to keep asking yourself the questions from earlier steps as you hang out. Are they the same person? Are you? Do you see any of the old troubles anywhere? [10]
    • If they don’t seem all that interested in continuing to talk (they never reach out to you first, their answers are short, etc.), let it go . This may be a dead-end, and you’re better off healing.
    • If they jump right out of the gate and profess their love for you and you feel the same way, awesome! Still, it’s best to take it slow.
  4. You can ask them out directly, or just bring up the idea. If you’re sure this is what you want, take the plunge! Explain how you feel, and why you want to do this. [11] They might say no, but at least you’ll be able to move on with some closure knowing that you gave it your best. Besides, they might say yes! If you want to ask them out, try:
    • “It’s been really incredible getting to know you and seeing how far we’ve both come. I want to give us another shot, but only if you want to, as well.”
    • “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I wanted to ask if you’re down to give our relationship another try. If not, I’ll drop it.”
    • If things have been moving in the romantic direction already, it’s best to call it what it is and ask anyway to make sure you’re both on the same page.
    • Avoid begging or pleading. That just means you never moved on, not that you’ve grown and changed.
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Section 4 of 7:

How to Make It Work with Your Ex

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  1. Once you start dating again, keep it casual and go slow. If you move too quickly and the relationship becomes a hyper-passionate, rushed thing, the two of you may burn out or butt heads and find yourselves exactly where you started. There are no hard and fast rules here, but just take it slowly. Relationship coach Julia McCurley recommends not sleeping with them for a while. This lets the relationship progress naturally, like any other. [12] Enjoy hanging out, keep things casual, and be as relaxed as you possibly can. [13]
    • Don’t sleep with them right away. Intimacy is going to carry a lot of emotional weight if the two of you were intimate in the past, and things might get messy if you have sex too soon.
    • For the first several months, limit yourself to only seeing them 2-3 times a week to make sure your pacing is steady.
  2. 2
    Have an honest conversation about how things ended last time. Jacoby says that when it comes to old problems, “You can't just sweep it under the rug and hope things are going to change. You have to make sure that they change in order to have a different outcome.” [14] Instead, once you’ve started dating again (or even before), talk about the past and how things went down. That way, you’ll be sure that you can both face these problems through communication and as mature adults.
    • Acknowledge your share of the blame and apologize for anything you did wrong to show your ex you’ve changed and matured. Explain how you felt and why.
    • Ask your ex how they felt, and if there’s anything they want to do differently this time. Share your own ideas.
    • For example, maybe last time, you both tended to play the silent game and ice each other out. This time, you might agree to always say what’s on your minds, even when it’s hard.
  3. It’s inevitable that old issues will rear their heads, but the difference is that now you have the experience to face them. It’s best to do this ASAP, but don’t make it a battle. Instead, make it a puzzle you both need to solve. Address it constructively, Jacoby says. [15] Don’t point fingers and place blame. Instead, use “I” statements to describe the problem and how you think you should fix it.
    • For example, say you’re noticing that they’re flirting with other people, which is why you broke up last time.
    • This time, say, “I feel bad and insecure when I see you flirt with other people. Can we talk about this? I want to understand more about this part of our relationship.”
    • Be open-minded and aware that you may be the problem. For example, they just might have a flirtatious personality, and it could be that you need to accept that.
  4. 4
    Set expectations for your relationship going forward. There’s a key difference between new relationships and rekindled relationships, and that difference is expectations. Now that you’re trying again, you know more about your partner and what they’re like, and it’s not always fair to hold them to a higher or a different standard than what you know they’re capable of. Ask yourself if the change you expect is reasonable, or if you need to shift your ideas of what the relationship should look like. [16]
    • For example, if your ex is someone who loves to travel and that’s part of why you broke up, it’s not fair to expect them not to travel again. That’s an issue you may have to come to terms with.
    • On the other hand, if your ex has unhealthy habits, like spending too much money, that may be an issue you tackle together, since it could harm both of you.
  5. The truth is that every couple who gets back together is playing a tricky game, and that you’re taking a risk by trying again. You can improve your chances by seeing a therapist or relationship counselor who can get you started on the right foot and help you navigate relationship problems both old and new. That way, you’re not just making the same mistakes, and you have a third person who can provide perspective and strategies for making a loving, lasting relationship.
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Section 5 of 7:

What Not to Do with an Ex

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  1. Don’t force things or ignore the warning signs. Wagner emphasizes that you don’t “want to go back into something and then just see it replicate again.” [17] To avoid that, don’t force the relationship if it’s not a good fit. It’s vital to be honest with yourself and to avoid things like:
    • Begging your ex to get back together when they don’t want to.
    • Pretending that your ex is blameless and perfect.
    • Ignoring warning signs that tell you this isn’t a good idea, like if your ex falls back on old habits.
    • Making grand gestures like giving them big gifts to convince them, rather than just letting it play out naturally.
    • Sabotaging their current relationship so they get back with you.
    • Being mean or cruel if they turn you down.
    • Rushing into sex and romance to try and “secure” them or seal the deal.
    • Pretending like you don’t actually want to get back together just to get closer.
Section 6 of 7:

Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Back Together

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  1. 1
    The relationship ended because someone cheated. Look, we’re not saying that a couple can never overcome cheating, though it is hard and takes a lot of work. [18] What we are saying is that the whole thing blew up last time because of cheating, then that’s a huge hurdle you have to jump right away, and it’s probably best to find a relationship where you and your partner trust each other right off the bat.
    • Otherwise, you’ll both be suspicious right from the start, and that’s no way to restart a relationship.
  2. 2
    The relationship was full of conflict, or was abusive. If your relationship was full of fights and bickering before, then your personalities probably weren’t compatible. Unless you’re both completely different people now, you’re probably still not compatible. And if the relationship was verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, you’re much better off letting it go and moving on, rather than taking a dangerous second chance. [19]
    • Think back and ask yourself how often things were good versus how often things were violent or angry. The highs don’t cancel out or justify the lows.
  3. 3
    They seem like the exact same person after all this time. Wagner reminds us that, for this to succeed, you both need to have changed, grown, and matured. [20] So if you talk to them and it feels like you’re talking to that exact same person you dated, that’s a huge red flag. It means they’re not ready for this, and that you’ll end up right where you started if you rekindle a relationship.
    • For example, if they have all the same beliefs, attitudes, friends, style, etc. as before, it means they haven't changed much.
    • It’s natural for people to stay the same in many ways, so look at the big things. Maybe they dress the same, but they’ve changed their political views in a positive way. That’s a green flag.
  4. 4
    You’re just craving a relationship, or are nostalgic for the old one. Wagner warns against falling into the trap of rose-colored relationship glasses. [21] Ask yourself if you really want a relationship with this person, or if you just want a relationship. Also, ask yourself if you’re only remembering the good and not the bad, or are missing a comfortable feeling you used to have in your life, rather than the person you used to have in your life.
    • Breakup and healing coach Amy Chan tells us that after a breakup, you’re hooked on the dopamine you got from being with your ex, which can make you want to get back together. [22] But usually, you’re not actually craving them—you’re craving how you felt with them, and if you thought more about how they treated you and the specifics of the relationship, you’d want to reconnect less.
    • Even if you feel like they’re the only person who could make you feel that way, the reality is that it didn’t work out, but you can find the feeling again with someone else.
    • Hang out with some friends or go on a couple of dates with strangers first. You might find that all you needed was a little company.
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Section 7 of 7:

Final Thoughts

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  1. It’s possible to get back with an ex, but think carefully about why you want to. Jacoby reminds us that second chances in relationships are possible. [23] But before you text your ex, ask yourself why you broke up, and if that reason could still be a factor if you tried again. Ideally, you’ve both grown and changed as people, and have matured to a place where you can address those issues honestly.
    • Ask yourself if you really want them back, or if you’re just craving connection, or are nostalgic for a time that didn’t really exist like it exists in your head.
    • If you’re sure, text them to say you’ve been thinking about them and that you want to meet up, but don’t pressure them.
    • Take things slow and start with a friendship, then transition to a relationship if it feels right.

Join the Discussion...

Have you ever gotten back with an ex? Is it a bad idea?
WikiFerretRunner863
WikiFerretRunner863
My ex and I broke up a little less than a year ago. It was tough but we both moved on and have been on good terms since then, but lately we have been flirting more and I'm entertaining the idea of asking her out again. Is this a bad idea? I know getting back with an ex is not always wise but how do you know when you both just need a second chance to get things right? Would love to hear from people who did this and how it turned out.
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
I think people breakup for many reasons. Sometimes it's because they’re not ready for the type of commitment that was required of them in that relationship; sometimes they need to grow personally or the partner needs to grow personally. People change and people grow, and in retrospect they might look back and say, “Wow, I had a really great partner, and now I feel like I'm able to step up and meet their needs.” You absolutely could fall back in love with somebody that went through a process like that and came back to your life.
WikiSalamanderCatcher845
WikiSalamanderCatcher845
If you and your ex can be honest with each other about 1. What the problem was with your relationship, 2. What has changed since your relationship, and 3. What will be different in this new relationship (with concrete, actionable steps), then I think you have a decent shot! When I got back together with my ex, who is now my wife, we literally wrote up a plan and scheduled regular check-ins with each other so we could have a really good grasp on the health of our relationship. Communication is key!
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Should I go on a date with my ex?
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Take some time to think things through first. Chances are, there was at least one core reason why you broke up to begin with. Make sure that your ex has definitely changed and grown, so you aren't walking into a repeat of your past relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 5
  • Question
    Why do I keep wanting to go back to him?
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Think of it like this—people always seem to want to go back to Vegas, even if they end of up the red. In the end, they'll always focus on the good times they had, not the bad. The same logic applies to old relationships.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.
      2. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      3. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.inquirer.com/philly/blogs/sexwithtimaree/Rekindling-an-old-flame-When-is-it-OK-to-date-your-ex.html
      5. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.
      6. ↑ April Davis. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 21 March 2025.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202206/how-to-get-your-ex-back-strategies-for-reconciling
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202206/how-to-get-your-ex-back-strategies-for-reconciling
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202410/should-you-get-back-together-with-your-ex
      1. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202206/how-to-get-your-ex-back-strategies-for-reconciling
      3. ↑ Julia McCurley. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/04/why-exes-are-reconnecting-coronavirus-quarantine/610081/
      5. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.
      6. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202410/should-you-get-back-together-with-your-ex
      8. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      9. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/may/23/cheating-means-the-end-relationship-myths-ruin-your-love-life
      10. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/abuse.html
      11. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      12. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      13. ↑ Amy Chan. Breakup & Healing Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      14. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.

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