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Wondering how to manage when you have a partner with an avoidant attachment style? Whether your partner has a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, you may be feeling frustrated and saddened by their constant need to push you away. But by offering them understanding and clear expectations, you can help them—and your relationship—feel more secure. We’re here to show you how with this complete guide on how to deal with an avoidant attachment style.
Steps
What Are Some Ways to Deal with a Partner Who Has an Avoidant Attachment Style?
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My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This honestly was the first time I've heard of it at all, so I wasn't sure. Is it good? Bad? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
I know it might be too late, but wanted to add to this post!
With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.
First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.
This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.
Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.
First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.
This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.
Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm#
- ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
- ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
- ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249718974_Attachment_Style_and_Willingness_to_Compromise_When_Choosing_a_Mate
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-importance-of-boundaries-in-romantic-relationships/
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