Dry Begging: What It Is and Why People Do It (With Expert Insight)

PDF download Download Article
Plus, how & why dry begging impacts relationships
PDF download Download Article

Have you ever felt like someone was dropping hints that they wanted your help, but they never came right out and said so? That’s dry begging. It usually just means the person is bad at asking for assistance, but it’s also a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to get what they want. We’re diving into dry begging—including what it is and what to do if you see it . We also talked to clinical psychologists on how to stop if you’re guilty of it yourself.

What is dry begging?

Dry begging is a tactic where someone drops hints to encourage someone else to offer time, money, attention, or another favor. Someone might dry beg because they’re uncomfortable asking for help, but in some cases, it’s a technique used by narcissists to manipulate others.

Section 1 of 6:

Dry Begging Explained

PDF download Download Article
  1. “Dry begging” means dropping hints instead of directly requesting help. It’s an indirect way of asking for things, usually by dropping hints or subtly complaining. The person doing the dry begging wants the other person to offer help—in the form of money, time, attention, or other resources—without having to actually ask for it. Examples of dry begging might look like: [1]
    • “Money is so tight right now, I don’t know how I'm going to pay my rent this month.”
    • “I’m so hungry, but I don’t have any money for food.”
    • “I have so much to do, and I’m not sure how I’m going to finish it all!”
    • “I hope you have fun with your friends tonight. I’ll just be here alone with no one to talk to.”

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Allison Broennimann, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in solution-focused, in-depth therapy and neuropsychology.

    Catherine Boswell, PhD is a licensed psychologist, as well as an author, speaker, and coach.

    Evan Parks, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist and an adjunct assistant professor at The Michigan State College of Human Medicine.

    Kim Chronister, PsyD is a clinical psychologist specializing in helping people struggling with relationship problems and personality disorders.

    2. Advertisement
Section 2 of 6:

Why People Dry Beg

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Some people dry beg because they have trouble asking for help. Dry begging isn’t the healthiest communication technique, but it doesn’t always come from a place of manipulation. Asking someone for help can be really difficult, and some people have a harder time with it than others. Someone might dry beg because they don’t want to bother other people with their problems. [2] Other factors may include:
    • A fear of rejection: They may think the other person will say no if they ask outright (sometimes because that’s happened to them before).
    • Low self-esteem: They might fear they’re not important enough for someone to want to help them.
    • Difficulty being vulnerable: They might have a hard time even admitting they need help in the first place.
  2. 2
    Dry begging can be a learned behavior. In some cultures (and families), direct requests can seem pointed or rude. In fact, there’s a term for it—Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture. In an Ask Culture, you’re encouraged to ask for exactly what you want. In a Guess Culture, you might avoid making a direct request unless you’re relatively certain the answer will be yes. [3]
    • If someone grew up in a Guess Culture, it can be hard for them to learn to ask for things outright, but it’s not necessarily used as a manipulation tactic.
    EXPERT TIP

    Allison Broennimann, PhD

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist

    Most people aren’t purposefully manipulative in relationships. They learned patterns that worked in their family systems, and now they’re trying to build a new family system, but unconsciously trying to apply the old rules.

  3. 3
    Dry begging is sometimes used as an intentional manipulation tool. The dry begging tactic is often a weapon used by narcissists. They play on your emotions, convincing you to give them what they want while maintaining the ability to deny that they ever asked for anything. [4]
    • If dry begging is being used as manipulation, they may call you selfish if you don’t pick up on the “hints” and offer help.
    • If you do help, the narcissist may not show gratitude, saying things like, “It’s the least you could do,” or, “I didn’t ask you to do that.”
    4. Advertisement
Section 3 of 6:

Recognizing Dry Begging

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Pay attention to patterns of dropped hints. Someone who’s prone to dry begging (or who uses it as a weapon) may frequently complain about their problems or bring up things they need. They won’t outright ask for help—but you may not notice them actively working to solve their own problems, either. [5]
    • Most people do this, at least once in a while. Licensed clinical psychologist Evan Parks, PsyD, says, “A lot of times we buy into the false belief that others will just know what we need without us saying anything. We expect them to read our minds and meet our needs.” [6]
    • If dry begging only happens occasionally, it may not be a big problem. However, if it occurs repeatedly, it may be a sign of manipulation.
  2. 2
    People who dry beg frequently will often play the victim. They make it seem like the whole world is against them—no one understands what they’re going through and no one else is willing to step in to help them. This is often a ploy to make it seem like you’re the only person who can help them. [7]
  3. 3
    The person may dramatize their problems. They’ll often complain in an exaggerated way, describing their problems as urgent or life-altering—if only someone would step in and help right now . Their tone of voice may be distressed or dramatic, and they may sigh heavily or show other signs of stress. [8]
    • This creates an environment where you feel obligated to help them solve their problems.
    4. Advertisement
Section 4 of 6:

Responding to Dry Begging

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Acknowledge their need. If you feel like someone is trying to indirectly ask you for something, stop and address the situation. If they’re struggling to ask, your acknowledgement may give them the courage to be direct. And if they’re trying to manipulate you, it will be harder to hide being plausible deniability. Try saying something like: [9]
    • “It feels like you’re trying to ask me for something.”
    • “Do you need something from me?”
    • “Are you asking me to help you with that?”
  2. 2
    Set and keep firm boundaries. It’s okay to turn down a person who’s asking you for help—especially if they frequently rely on you to solve their problems. Be clear and direct in communicating what you will and won’t do. For instance, you might say: [10]
    • “I’m not going to pay your rent this month, but I can give you the number of an organization that sometimes helps with bills.”
    • “I’m not going to cancel my plans with my friends tonight, but I’ll be happy to give you a call tomorrow to see if you’re free.”
    • “I have a doctor’s appointment at that time, so I can’t give you a ride, but I can text you a link to the bus schedule if you want.”
  3. 3
    Encourage the person to ask you for things directly. Let the other person know that it’s safe to ask you for things instead of just hinting at them—and that you’d actually prefer that. But asking for things can be hard, so be patient with them, especially if they seem to be trying. [11]
    • You might say something like, “Any time you want my help, feel free to ask. I’m not great at picking up on hints, so it’s really helpful to me if you let me know exactly what you’d like me to do.”
    4. Advertisement
Section 5 of 6:

How Dry Begging Affects Relationships

PDF download Download Article
  1. Dry begging can cause the other person to feel obligated and guilty. It puts a burden on them to guess what the other person needs and how they’re supposed to help. Over time, this can lead to feelings of guilt—they may feel like they’re not doing enough. They may also start to resent the person doing the dry begging for taking advantage of them. This can lead to a breakdown of trust and communication in the relationship. [12]
    • When someone dry begs as a manipulation tactic, they’re intentionally using the other person’s good intentions and empathy against them.
Section 6 of 6:

How to Stop Dry Begging

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Think about where the dry begging comes from. According to clinical psychologist Allison Broennimann, PhD, “If you witness your own manipulation tactics, that’s your shadow. Hold space for yourself. Look into that little shadow side of you and figure out what need is unconsciously being expressed.” [13]
    • For instance, you might realize that in your childhood, you were frequently told “No” if you asked for things outright, but were more likely to get a favorable answer if you hinted at what you wanted.
  2. 2
    Learn to reframe what it means to ask for help. Licensed psychologist Catherine Boswell, PhD says that “it’s important to remember that we’re all dependent on each other. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.”[v161662_b01].Tuesday, December 29, 2020
    • Clinical psychologist Kim Chronister, PsyD suggests that “asking another person for help is a compliment to them in many cases. As long as they know that you respect their time, they will likely be open to your request.” [14]
  3. 3
    Practice asking for what you want. Dr. Parks says, “A lot of times we buy into the false belief that others will just know what we need without us saying anything. We expect them to read our minds and meet our needs. But you have to directly ask for what you want and explain why it’s important.” [15]
  4. 4
    Be prepared to hear “No” sometimes. “When you express yourself,” says Dr. Parks, “others can choose to ignore it, react to it negatively, or react to it positively. How they respond is their choice.” [17] You can’t control how they respond, but by asking clearly, you can help build stronger communication and trust in the relationship.
  5. 5
    Talk to a professional if you need to. Learning to ask for help can be a big task. Meeting with a qualified counselor can be a good way to dig into the reasons you have a hard time asking for help, plus learn new techniques for directly expressing your needs to others. [19]
    6. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      160+ Good Roasts to Burn Your Friends & Family Members
      110+ Funny Insulting Names for Friends & Loved Ones
      135 Happy Sunday Wishes for Friends, Partners, & More
      How to
      Get Revenge on Anyone
      160+ Best Roasts to Say to Guys (& Bruise Their Ego)
      200+ Witty Good Morning Messages to Make Them Smile
      Controversial Hot Takes and Prompts to Create Spicy Debates
      100 Simple & Sincere Ways to Say "Thank You for Your Hospitality"
      How to
      Find Out Where Someone Lives
      200+ Favorite Things Questions to Ask
      180 Good Comebacks & Savage Roasts to Win Any Argument
      How to
      Compliment a Girl's Eyes
      How to
      Lift Someone Using the Bridal or Fireman Carry
      How to
      Find Your DoppelgÓ“nger (or Twin)
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      2. ↑ https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2022/09/asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize
      3. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser
      4. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      5. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      6. ↑ Evan Parks, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      8. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      1. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      2. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      3. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/
      4. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Kim Chronister, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Evan Parks, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Evan Parks, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Evan Parks, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Evan Parks, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://bayareacbtcenter.com/dry-begging-recognize-and-respond-to-indirect-requests-in-relationships/

      About This Article

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement