Is Kissing Infidelity? Plus, What Counts as Cheating

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Expert tips for setting boundaries with your partner and navigate cheating
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When it comes to kissing someone who isn't your partner, most people consider it cheating. But this all depends on your relationship and the boundaries you’ve set with your partner. In this article, we explain what types of kisses count as cheating and which ones don’t, explain what to do if your partner kisses someone else , talk about how to set boundaries in your relationship with the help of Licensed Clinical Social Worker Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, and Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD, and more!

Is kissing considered cheating?

Most people consider kissing to be cheating, especially if it’s a romantic, steamy kiss or makeout session. But a small kiss goodbye or a light kiss on the cheek may not be considered cheating. At the end of the day, it all depends on your relationship and the boundaries you and your partner have set.

Section 1 of 7:

Is kissing cheating?

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  1. The exact definition of cheating varies from couple to couple, but in most monogamous relationships, if a person shares a romantic kiss with someone who’s not their romantic partner, that’s considered infidelity, especially if the kiss includes other physical touches or makes one or both people sexually aroused. It may be considered both physical and/or emotional betrayal, especially if the person doesn’t mention it to their partner. [1]
    • It's imperative for people in a relationship to set boundaries to communicate their expectations and set boundaries with their partner to ensure both people are on the same page regarding what counts as infidelity. [2]
    • For instance, one person may not think much of giving a friend a non-romantic peck on the cheek, but their partner may feel betrayed by this.
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Section 2 of 7:

Is drunk kissing cheating?

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  1. Even if a person’s state of mind is altered, if they’re having a romantic or physical interaction with someone who isn’t their partner, they’re being unfaithful. [3] A friendly, platonic kiss may not be considered cheating, though. It ultimately depends on the boundaries the couple has set for their relationship.
Section 3 of 7:

What to Do if Your Partner Kissed Someone Else

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  1. Depending on the boundaries you have in your relationship, your partner kissing another person can feel like the end of the world. To determine where the relationship will go from here, sit down and have an honest, heartfelt conversation about how it made you feel. [4]
    • For example, you can approach your partner and say, “When you kissed that person in the hall, it made me really upset. Can we talk about where to go from here?”
    • If your partner doesn’t know that you know about the kiss, ask if you two can talk. When you’re both calm, initiate the conversation by saying, “I know you kissed someone else, and it was really upsetting. Can we talk about where things go from here?”
    • When you initiate the conversation, try not to put any of your feelings onto them by saying things like “You made me feel this way.” Instead, use “I” statements and express your feelings without putting any blame on them. For example, “I felt betrayed.”
  2. 2
    Talk to your partner about the state of your relationship. A kiss is never, ever the fault of the person who was cheated on, but it usually means that the cheater is dealing with unmet needs in the relationship, needs they don't know how to communicate or fulfill. Sometimes, cheating is an unconscious attempt on the part of the cheater to bring their needs out into the open. Use this painful experience as an opportunity to analyze the health of your relationship.
    • Ask your partner about their reasons behind the kiss. For instance, they may be struggling with depression, and an affair serves as a distraction. Or perhaps they want to end their relationship but don't know how, and an affair seems like a suitable exit strategy. [5]
    • As painful as it is to learn your partner has kissed someone else, if they told you about it afterwards, it's a good sign: it indicates they feel real remorse, and that they don't want to hide anything from you.
  3. 3
    Establish boundaries with your partner. Clarify your boundaries and expectations with your partner (or, if you haven't done this yet, do it for the first time). If your partner agrees to them and seems remorseful for their actions, the relationship may be salvageable; if not, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
    • Avoid making rash decisions to get revenge or hurt your partner. While it may feel tempting to burn the relationship to the ground or to cheat on them for revenge, try to pause and reflect on what you actually want and need in order to heal from this betrayal, whether it means forgiving your partner or breaking things off. [6]
    • If you decide to move forward and forgive them, it may take time for them to regain your trust. Remorseful cheaters will usually understand this, and be willing to do what it takes to earn your trust again, whether that's giving you access to their phone or social media for a little while, or refusing to see the person they kissed anymore.
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Section 4 of 7:

What else counts as cheating?

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  1. Consensually having sex with someone other than a person’s partner is considered cheating for most monogamous couples. Unless you and your partner have agreed to open your relationship, the general rule of thumb is that romantic kissing and anything further, like butt slaps, make outs, or full on sexual intercourse, is cheating. [7]
    • It's important to reflect on what you, yourself, feel uncomfortable with and would consider to be cheating in a relationship, and communicate your expectations to your partner.
  2. The moment someone hits send on that risque photo to someone who isn’t their partner, it’s usually considered cheating. It’s easy to think, “But I didn’t actually sleep with them,” but there were still sexual photos sent to someone who isn’t a partner in the relationship, which most consider to be crossing the boundary of cheating in a relationship. [8]
    • Sending sexy and explicit messages also typically falls into this category.
  3. Making a dating profile and using it to swipe on attractive people is typically viewed as cheating. Even though it may seem safe since it’s online and not in-person, there’s still a connection that’s being formed with someone other than that person’s partner, so it counts as cheating. [9]
  4. This one is more of a case-by-case thing, but generally, when someone is sneaking around with others and hiding it from their partner because they know their partner wouldn’t approve of their actions, it’s often considered cheating. It’s definitely cheating if the person someone is sneaking around with start building a romantic connection, as they’re emotionally betraying their partner. [10]
    • When someone is deliberately lying to their partner about who they’re with, it can break the trust between the two of them.
  5. Being around an attractive person and deliberately avoiding telling them about their relationship status because they think they have a chance with them counts as cheating. It doesn’t matter if the line into sexual activity isn’t crossed—pretending like the relationship doesn’t exist in order to flirt or shoot their shot with an attractive person is cheating. [11]
    • This isn't to say you need to volunteer your relationship status to every single attractive person you run into, but don't hide it.
  6. In many relationships, flirty comments on Instagram photos of hot people and suggestive DMs to people they may never meet in person are considered cheating. Although that physical boundary isn’t being crossed, there are still emotional boundaries that are being crossed. Whether it’s flooding an ex’s feed with likes and comments or constantly DM’ing OnlyFans models, flirting with others on social media is usually cheating. [12]
    • For example, if you’re looking through your partner’s phone and notice DMs flooded with heart-eye emojis, suggestive pictures, and language that’s typically reserved for the bedroom, they’re cheating. [13]
    • This type of cheating is often referred to as microcheating .
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Section 5 of 7:

Can a relationship survive if they kissed someone else?

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  1. When your partner reveals that they kissed someone once and immediately regretted it, it’s normal for you to be upset and to want time to process things. Once you process things, you may find yourself feeling like it’s something you can work through. In that case, the relationship is salvageable, it just depends on whether you’re willing to forgive them and set boundaries in the relationship. [14]
    • If your partner is genuinely sorry and wishes to work things out with you, you may want to hear them out and discuss the situation if you also want to save the relationship.
  2. Now, a friendly kiss goodbye to friends probably won’t implode the relationship, but if your partner kisses other people romantically and betrays your trust, it may be time to end things. If they’re willing to betray your trust and kiss other people when you’re not around, it’s often an indicator that they’re willing to go beyond that, too.
    • You may be able to keep things together if both of you can sit down and have an honest conversation about why things are rocky. But you must both be willing to work through these hard times and commit to each other.
    • It’s okay if the relationship has run its course. Not all relationships last forever, and even if you’re hurting right now, you’ll likely come out stronger on the other side.
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Section 6 of 7:

How to Set Boundaries about Infidelity with Your Partner

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  1. Bilek says to have a conversation about boundaries when you’re both calm and not stressed, tired, or hungry. Once you’ve made sure both parties are calm and in the right headspace, then have a conversation about your dos and don’ts in a relationship.
    • Say something like “I want to talk about some of my boundaries, and also want to be respectful of what you’re comfortable with. Can we have a conversation about our boundaries in a relationship?”
    • According to Dr. Tovar, setting boundaries means being very clear about what kinds of behavior you will and won’t accept.
    • Bilek says boundaries look different for everyone, as everyone has different needs and things they’re comfortable with. One couple may view watching porn as crossing a boundary, while another may be okay with that.
    • Discuss what you consider to be cheating or crossing a boundary, such as sending suggestive DMs to people who aren’t your partner, flirting with other people, using dating apps, sending sexts or nudes, and kissing or other physical contact.
Section 7 of 7:

Final Thoughts

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  1. Cheating is never the fault of the person who was cheated on. If you've experienced the acute betrayal of infidelity, know that there was nothing you did "wrong," nothing you did to "deserve" what happened. Some people resort to infidelity because they have needs that aren't being met in the relationship, but they don't know how to communicate them or fulfill them.
    • But also know that cheating doesn't have to spell the end of your relationship: while for many couples, infidelity leads to a breakup, for many others, its something that can be worked through. Check out our forum on how to move past infidelity to chat with people who know what you're going through.
    • Many couples even come out the other side of infidelity stronger than before, because it opens the door for them to be more vulnerable and open with one another, and it shows them they can weather difficult times together.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://affairimprover.com/relationship-intimacy/is-kissing-cheating/
      2. ↑ https://www.elle.com.au/culture/news/what-counts-as-cheating-kiss-and-tell-column-24821/
      3. ↑ https://blog.illicitencounters.com/2023/11/20/can-a-relationship-survive-a-drunken-kiss/#Is_a_Drunken_Kiss_Significant
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
      5. ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/well-informed/why-people-cheat-in-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/types-of-cheating-in-relationship/
      8. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/types-of-cheating-in-relationship/
      9. ↑ https://www.romper.com/life/is-kissing-cheating
      1. ↑ https://www.romper.com/life/is-kissing-cheating
      2. ↑ https://www.romper.com/life/is-kissing-cheating
      3. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/types-of-cheating-in-relationship/
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-common-is-cheating-infidelity-really
      5. ↑ https://affairimprover.com/relationship-intimacy/is-kissing-cheating/

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