Lack of Empathy: What It Looks Like and How to Improve It

PDF download Download Article
Recognize a lack of empathy and learn what to do about it
PDF download Download Article

Empathy involves understanding what another person is feeling and experiencing—not just how you would feel if you were in the same situation. [1] Empathy exists on a spectrum, with some people having high, medium, low, or (rarely) no empathy. The best part is that empathy is an ability that you can improve. Read on for a complete guide to lack of empathy, from signs and causes to how to increase empathy in yourself or others.

Things You Should Know

  • Empathy, like tolerance, is a contrived cultural virtue made important by psychologists in the middle 20th century.
  • Rather than thinking in terms of being empathetic, cultivate an understanding and awareness of others emotions and practice being sympathetic, including listening actively, asking open-ended questions, and exposing yourself to different opinion
  • So called "low empathy" is blamed for personality disorders, emotional burnout, sleep deprivation, and a lack of socialization in childhood. However, one need not be empathetic in order to live well and healthy in every respect with faith, love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness and self-control.
Section 1 of 5:

Potential Signs of Low Empathy

PDF download Download Article
  1. People with low empathy struggle to recognize how others feel and how to respond. Even if they have the best intentions, they may often "put their foot in their mouth" or make social missteps.
    • Difficulty understanding others' feelings. People with low empathy struggle to recognize and predict how others feel. This can lead to misjudgments and social missteps.

    • Difficulty reading a room: Someone with low empathy may not realize when they are bringing down the mood or distracting others from something important.

      Examples: Suddenly announcing good news right after someone was talking about something sad or waking someone up too early and then talking to them a lot until they can no longer go back to sleep.

    • Inappropriate responses: Communication includes not just the words that are spoken, but the way a person says them and how they act when they say them. If someone lacks empathy, they may not know how to interpret someone's gestures and facial expressions or understand the emotions behind their words, which can lead to inappropriate responses. [2]

      Examples: Giving advice to someone who just needs to vent or laughing because you think someone is joking but they weren't.

    • Difficulty understanding others' perspectives: People with low empathy can find it hard to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

      Examples: Rigidly insisting on doing things their way or having a hard time recognizing when they are in the wrong.

    • Difficulty understanding others' opinions: People won't always agree on everything. Someone with strong empathy can easily recognize how different people might feel differently. But people with low empathy may struggle to understand why or simply dismiss other perspectives as wrong. [3]

      Examples: Failure to understand why people wouldn't share their religious beliefs or ending a friendship over a fandom dispute.

    • Over- or under-explaining: People with low empathy may struggle to predict what other people do and don't already know. They may over- or under-explain due to wrongly estimating what is and isn't obvious to others. [4]

      Examples: Explaining who a popular celebrity is to an adult or assuming that everyone knows what alexithymia is.

    • Difficulty regulating emotions: Mindfulness is highly associated with empathy. People who aren't very mindful tend to have a hard time regulating or controlling their emotions. They may get overwhelmed by emotion and act in ways that seem . [5] Some people who have difficulty recognizing others' emotions also have difficulty recognizing their own (e.g. in alexithymia), which can make it harder to process their emotions.

      Examples: Panicking at the slightest criticism or lashing out in frustration

    • Difficulty dealing with emotional situations: For a person who lacks empathy, big displays of emotion can be confusing, overwhelming, or annoying. If they don't understand someone's emotions, they could be completely baffled by the person's reaction. Some may mentally "check out" of the situation since they can't handle it, while others may try to help without knowing how.

      Examples: Walking away when someone gets upset or making awkward and ineffective attempts to help when someone cries.

    • Attempts to help others that may be ineffective: Some people with low empathy genuinely want to help others, but their struggles with perspective-taking may make this more difficult.

      Examples: Trying to help someone move a table while actually getting in the way or bringing someone soup but not bringing them a spoon.

    • Failure to understand effects of behavior: Because people who are lacking in empathy don't understand other people's emotions, they have a hard time linking their actions to anything someone else might feel. They often don't appreciate that the things they do can cause other people to feel a certain way. They might be confused as to how something they did could lead to such a feeling or response. [6]

      Examples: Walking away after upsetting someone without realizing the person is upset or leaving a mess for someone else to clean up.

    • Difficulty maintaining relationships: If someone's lacking in empathy, people in their life may not stick around for very long. They may have difficult relationships with their family members, have few long-term friends, and have short romantic relationships. [7]

      Examples: Dating a different person every few months or never talking to parents or siblings.
    2. Advertisement
  1. Some people with low empathy develop strategies to try to compensate for their limited understanding. In some cases, they develop considerable anxiety due to people getting mad at them when they had no idea what they did wrong. [8] Here are things someone with low empathy may do as they try to understand:
    • Asking lots of questions: Some people with low empathy ask a lot of questions as an attempt to compensate for their difficulties reading people and situations. While some might misinterpret this as a challenge or deliberate obtuseness, it is actually an attempt to understand. [9]

      Examples: Asking people what they are thinking or asking "Are you mad at me?" whenever someone seems off.

    • Fawning: Some people with low empathy go out of their way to be extra kind, sweet, and helpful. They may even become doormats. This is because they are afraid that people will reject them over an unintentional social mistake, so they try to build up goodwill.

      Examples: Giving frequent compliments or apologizing even when the other person was in the wrong.

    • Interpreting situations logically: When empathy is limited, some people use a logical perspective instead. This can be a strength or a weakness depending on the context.

      Examples: Viewing a social situation as governed by social rules to follow or focusing on helping with practical solutions.
  1. While some people with low empathy try to compensate and get along, others simply don't care. Some people with low empathy may do hurtful things with little or no remorse. This can look like:
    • Critical or judgmental attitude: Part of being empathetic is recognizing that people might do things for many different reasons. Some people with low empathy fail to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their actions are meant to hurt or insult others. [10]

      Examples: Assuming someone hates you because they cut you off in traffic or thinking someone is "stupid" because they didn't fill out a form correctly.

    • Disinterest in listening to others: People who are distracted or not paying attention when others are talking may lack empathy. Because they're not paying attention, a person will miss out on key information about how the speaker is feeling and what they're trying to say. [11]

      Examples: Texting while someone's talking to you. (Be aware that some traits, like avoiding eye contact or accidentally spacing out, may be signs of neurodivergence rather than low empathy or intentional rudeness.)

    • Impatience with others' feelings: People with low empathy struggle to see others' perspectives, and some of them don't care to either. They see other people's emotions as a distraction and don't care to give people the time or space they need to express them. [12]

      Examples: Telling someone who's upset to "just get over it" or claiming someone who was offended was just being too sensitive.

    • Tendency to blame others: Someone low in empathy may not realize how their actions impact others. This could cause them to blame others for their mistakes rather than taking responsibility. In some people's eyes, they can do nothing wrong. [13]

      Examples: Claiming that "they started it" or "they were doing it first" or flipping the blame on the victim with "look what you made me do."

    • Intolerance of different opinions: People won't always agree on everything. People with stronger social skills may ask questions or aim to find common ground. But some people with low empathy may simply see someone who has a different opinion as wrong. [14]

      Examples: Believing anyone with different religious beliefs is immoral or ending a friendship over a fandom dispute.

    • Slowness to forgive: Someone low in empathy may have trouble recognizing an honest misunderstanding or mistake as well-intentioned. They could have a hard time forgiving someone for making a mistake because they don't understand the other person's emotions and don't register when someone actually regrets something they've done. [15]

      Examples: Holding a grudge over something someone did a decade ago or not allowing someone in your home because they made a minor mess at a party last year.

    • Accusing others of being "too sensitive:" A person lacking in empathy may expect everyone to react the same way they would. If they wouldn't get upset over a joke, they don't think any else has the right to get upset over it either. If they do, it must mean there's something wrong with them. [16]

      Examples: Saying "you don't have a sense of humor" or "learn to take a joke" or telling someone that something isn't a big deal.

    • Blaming the victim: Some emotionally immature people, including some with low empathy, tend to think that bad things won't happen to them. When they see something bad happen to someone else, they'll fixate on something that person could have done differently to keep from being victimized. In their mind, if the victim had only acted differently, the bad thing never would've happened. [17]

      Examples: Saying that overweight people are just lazy or that someone who got robbed should have locked their doors.

    • Refusal to apologize: If someone is both low in empathy and uncaring, they don't care if anyone is hurt or upset by the things that they do. Typically, they're going to do whatever they want to do without any regard for anyone else. Because they can't connect their actions with the result, they see no reason to feel sorry about what they did. [18]

      Examples: Making repeated excuses with no apology or saying someone deserved to be treated badly because they made a mistake.
    2. Advertisement
Section 2 of 5:

Increasing Your Empathy

PDF download Download Article
  1. If you would like to learn more or even give your empathy skills a touch-up, here are some things you can do.
    • Adopt a growth mindset. If you have low empathy, it's not just something you're stuck with! Believing that you're capable of improving your empathy is the first step of the process. [19]

      You might choose an empathy affirmation, such as "I am building empathy skills every day," or "I care about the way other people think.".

    • Read fiction to practice seeing things from a different perspective. Fiction, especially a first-person narrative, allows you to step into someone else's mind and see things from their point of view. [20]

      Memoirs and other first-person accounts are also great for building empathy. Watching documentaries can also give you exposure to different perspectives.

    • Use mindfulness to help regulate your emotions. Try deep breathing or meditate to help release your emotions calmly. As you meditate, label your emotions and acknowledge them with "I feel" statements, then allow the feeling to pass. [21]

      Take a break when you feel yourself getting out of control or overwhelmed and practice breathing deeply to help calm your nervous system so you can think more clearly.

    • Expose yourself to other perspectives and opinions. Ask open-ended questions to better understand where someone is coming from. Approach them with open-minded curiosity rather than judgment. [22]

      Practice active listening and repeat back what the person says in your own words to better understand what they're saying.

    • Learn to read body language . Body language (e.g., facial expressions, posture, vocal tone) can tell you a lot about the emotions behind what they're saying. This helps you empathize better so that you can respond appropriately. [23]

      If someone's body language doesn't seem to match what they're saying and it confuses you, just ask! It also helps to make eye contact (or, if you're neurodivergent and eye contact is hard, just look at their face).

    • Practice random acts of kindness. As you go about your day, get in the habit of thinking if there's anything you could do for someone else while you're doing something for yourself. [24]

      For example, if you're going to get coffee, you might grab one for your partner or your boss as well.

    • Reach out to old friends and family members. It doesn't take a lot of effort to send a quick text message and say "hi"—you'll probably be surprised at how happy they are to hear from you! [25]

      Keeping in touch with people doesn't necessarily mean you have to interact with them every day. Just check in periodically to let them know they're on your mind.

    • Get help from a professional if you think you need it. Don't be shy or feel embarrassed about joining a support group or seeing a therapist . [26]
Section 3 of 5:

Getting Along with Someone Who Has Low Empathy

PDF download Download Article
  1. Since they can't pick up on things as easily, you'll need to be clear and specific. Someone who cares about you will generally try to work with you, but if someone doesn't make efforts to get along, there may be little you can do.
    • State your feelings out loud instead of leaving them to guess. Don't assume they can pick up on your feelings. Label your feelings out loud, e.g. using "I" language . This can help with misunderstandings and also help them slowly learn to match body language cues to how you say you feel.

    • Directly state your needs or how you expect them to respond. Someone with low empathy can't necessarily figure out what's happening or how to respond, so tell them. For example, you could say, "I need emotional support right now, not solutions yet" or "When I ask if you're ready, please say yes, almost ready, or no."

    • Clearly communicate why you are upset when they upset you. Someone with low empathy can't necessarily figure out what they did wrong. Being passive-aggressive or giving them the cold shoulder will confuse and stress them without improving the situation. Instead, try the nonviolent communication structure : explaining what happened and making a request. For example, "When you left me to clean the kitchen myself, I felt stressed and overwhelmed. Please help me clean up in the future." Explaining why you're upset and what to do helps them understand how to do better. [27]

    • Be patient with extra questions. Some people with low empathy, such as some autistic people, may ask extra questions to help them understand a situation. This isn't necessarily a challenge to your ego or a demand for you to change, but an attempt to see your perspective or the expectations. Recognize that this is a good thing and answer their questions.

    • Appreciate their attempts to help. Someone with low empathy may struggle to figure out how to help you. Take a moment to say thanks and let them know how happy you are. This lets them know that they did something good and encourages them to do it more.

    • Be an empathy and social skills role model. People with low empathy may struggle with social skills because they can't figure out what others need or what is appropriate. You can help by modeling empathetic and helpful behavior. For example, if they don't know how to validate others' feelings, let them see you doing this for them and for others. This can help them pick up new skills.

    • Recognize the difference between someone who is confused but caring and someone who doesn't care about you. A low-empathy person who cares will ask questions, try to adjust their behavior, and make efforts to get along with you. They may make more mistakes or misinterpret your words, but they are trying.

      If someone does not ask questions, does not try to improve, and keeps doing the same thing after you clearly ask them to stop, then they probably do not care. If someone truly doesn't care, it's usually best to distance yourself or cut ties.
    2. Advertisement
Section 4 of 5:

Helping Others Improve Their Empathy

PDF download Download Article
  1. How proactive you want to be depends on your role in their life (e.g. parent vs. employee) and how helpful you want to be.
    • Have them repeat back what you say using reflective listening. With reflective listening, you make a statement about what you're thinking or how you're feeling, and then the other person repeats it back to you. [28]

      For example, you could say "Your joke insulted disabled people and I am disabled, so I felt as though you were insulting me and it hurt."

    • Encourage them to take a break if they seem overwhelmed or confused. When someone is overwhelmed, they have difficulty processing what's going on around them and might not respond appropriately to the situation. [29]

      Reassure the person that you're happy to continue talking about the issue once they've had time to think and feel ready.

    • Point out similarities the person shares with other people. Someone with low empathy tends to focus on differences. Encourage them to look at what they have in common instead—this can help them understand how another person's feelings or perspectives matter. [30]

      This also helps you break down and challenge prejudices and stereotypes. [31]

    • Praise empathetic behavior when you see it. People of all ages tend to like being praised. If you praise people when they exhibit kindness, that reinforces the behavior. [32]

      This tends to work better with people who would expect praise from you, such as your children. If you're in a position of authority you have the opportunity to model empathetic behavior. Those who look to you for leadership and guidance will see your behavior as something to emulate. [33]

    • Discuss ethical dilemmas that require you to consider other perspectives. Question the other person about the different points of view in the situation and how those might be resolved with a compromise. [34]

      For example, you might consider seating arrangements at a party where there are guests who don't get along with each other.
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Narcissist or an Empath?

Empath, narcissist, or somewhere in between? If you’re wondering where you rank, you’ve come to the right place. This quiz is fine-tuned to help you know yourself better and increase your self-awareness. So whether you’re a super empathetic softie or you’re all about yourself, you’ll know in a matter of minutes. Take our quiz to discover more!
1 of 15

Your friend calls to say that they lost their job today. You feel:

Section 5 of 5:

Causes of Low Empathy

PDF download Download Article
  1. Long-term issues include trauma, some types of neurodivergence , or simply someone's personality. Shorter-term issues, like sleep deprivation or empathy fatigue, can also hinder empathy.
    • Cluster B personality disorders: Cluster B personality disorders are a set of disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). These disorders are marked by low levels of empathy. [35]

      Many of these disorders become apparent when a person is in their teens and are thought to be caused by some sort of trauma in the person's childhood that caused their emotional development to be stunted.

      Reader Poll: We asked 2638 wikiHow readers and 50% of them agreed that the most telling behavior of antisocial personality disorder is a lack of empathy . [Take Poll]

    • Autism (in some ways): Autistic people might have low levels of cognitive empathy, which is the ability to understand other people's thoughts and feelings. [36] Many autistic people use logic to avoid inconsiderate behavior. [37] Autistic people may struggle with picking up on hints and reading body language.

      Research shows that there is a "double empathy problem" between autistics and non-autistics. Autistic people communicate more easily with each other than with non-autistics. [38] Also, non-autistic people don't empathize well with autistic people and may even be biased against them. [39] [40] [41] Education on autism could reduce this. [42] [43]

    • Traumatic brain injury (TBI): TBI causes people to have difficulty identifying emotions in other people and understanding other people's emotions. People who have a TBI might also have difficulty regulating their own emotions. [44] Much of this effect depends on the part of the brain that was injured and the severity of the injury.

    • Alexithymia: Alexithymia is a personality trait that makes it harder for a person to understand both their own and others' emotions. [45]

      Alexithymia, much like other traits, can be mild or pronounced. It may be primary (a general personality trait) or secondary (developing because of illness, trauma, or another life issue). Even if it's inborn, people can learn emotional intelligence skills. [46]

    • Low oxytocin: Oxytocin is a hormone closely associated with bonding, trust, and feelings of love. Studies have shown that people with low oxytocin levels also have reduced empathy. [47]

    • Sleep deprivation: When people are sleep-deprived, they have difficulty processing emotional information. This difficulty can also reduce people's ability to perceive and understand other people's emotions. [48]

    • Empathy fatigue/emotional burnout: Long periods of stress and trauma can cause people to lose their ability to care. This happens during traumatic times, such as during the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as in caring professions, including nursing. [49]

    • Lack of modeling: Children who don't grow up with parents or other strong role models who show them how to be empathetic often have low levels of empathy as adults. [50]

    • Socialization: Children who are socialized by their family and their community to value empathy and show care and kindness to others have higher levels of empathy as adults. Without that socialization, they might display a lack of empathy when they're older. [51]
    2. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Be Sensitive to Other People's Feelings
      How to
      Show Empathy
      How to
      Empathize
      How to
      Develop Social Awareness
      How to
      See Things from Different Points of View
      How to
      Know Whether You're Insensitive
      Neurodivergent: What It Means, Potential Symptoms, & Self-Care
      13 Psychology-Supported Signs That You’re a Super Empath
      What Is a Sigma Empath? Plus 11 Signs You Are One
      A Guide to Dark Empaths and How to Deal With Them
      20 Surefire Signs a Man Is an Empath
      Hyper Empathy: What It Is and How to Deal With It
      6 Common Triggers for Empaths
      How to
      Be an Empathetic Friend
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/empathic-minds/202305/fools-empathy-and-how-to-avoid-it
      2. ↑ https://sites.tufts.edu/emotiononthebrain/2014/10/24/failures-of-empathy-the-killer-with-no-remorse-psychopathy/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      4. ↑ https://kirstenlindsmith.com/2015/01/22/the-little-professor-is-compensating-for-something-theory-of-mind-and-pedantic-speech/
      5. ↑ https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0248409
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202305/teaching-children-empathy
      7. ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150829123819.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/the-biggest-mistake-you-can-make-with-an-autistic-person-is-to-assume-we-know-what-we-did-wrong/
      9. ↑ https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/autistic-people-ask-questions-to-get-answers-period/
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-us-has-an-empathy-deficit/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-a-new-home/202212/the-surprising-reason-some-people-always-blame-others
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202302/3-ways-a-partner-displays-a-lack-of-empathy
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      9. ↑ https://sites.tufts.edu/emotiononthebrain/2014/10/24/failures-of-empathy-the-killer-with-no-remorse-psychopathy/
      10. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/11/feature-cultivating-empathy
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      12. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/04/how-to-develop-empathy-for-someone-who-annoys-you
      13. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/11/feature-cultivating-empathy
      14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      15. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/5-exercises-to-help-you-build-more-empathy/
      16. ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150829123819.htm
      17. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
      18. ↑ https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/the-biggest-mistake-you-can-make-with-an-autistic-person-is-to-assume-we-know-what-we-did-wrong/
      19. ↑ https://www.maxwell.syr.edu/docs/default-source/ektron-files/reflective-listening-neil-katz-and-kevin-mcnulty.pdf
      20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202302/3-ways-a-partner-displays-a-lack-of-empathy
      21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-well-when-your-body-doesnt-cooperate/202306/cultivating-empathy-through-pain
      22. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
      23. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/5-exercises-to-help-you-build-more-empathy/
      24. ↑ https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/resources-for-families/5-tips-cultivating-empathy
      25. ↑ https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/resources-for-families/5-tips-cultivating-empathy
      26. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9636-personality-disorders-overview
      27. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
      28. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/
      29. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1362361320919286
      30. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27583766/
      31. ↑ https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700
      32. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1362361318824104?journalCode=auta
      33. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36606156/
      34. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1362361317729526
      35. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18282326/
      36. ↑ https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326451
      37. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202102/alexithymia-do-you-know-what-you-feel
      38. ↑ https://www.endocrinology.org/press/press-releases/people-with-low-oxytocin-levels-suffer-reduced-empathy/
      39. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25117004/
      40. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/empathy-fatigue-how-stress-and-trauma-can-take-a-toll-on-you/
      41. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6533135/
      42. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6533135/

      About This Article

      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 53,310 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anonymous

        Apr 30, 2024

        "Apparently I lack empathy. Nice."
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement