How to Discuss Transgender Issues with a Child

Children are naturally open and understanding, so they can grasp transgender issues. Talking to a child about being transgender might make you uncomfortable, but it’s important to help them learn to be accepting. Start by explaining transgender issues to your child and by teaching them how to be inclusive. If you’re transgender, talk to your child about it in private and give them time to process the information. If your child is transgender, assure them that you’ll always love and support them. [1]

Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Explaining Transgender Issues with Young Children

  1. Kids typically understand that biological boys and biological girls have different body parts. Explain that when babies are born, a doctor looks at their genitals/private parts and gives them an assigned gender. They’re labeled either a boy or a girl. [2]
    • You might say, “When you were born, the doctor said you were a boy because you have a penis. Your sister has a vagina, so they labeled her a girl.”
  2. After you explain that labels are assigned at birth, say that some people don't feel like their label matches who they are on the inside. They may feel like the another gender than the one they are assigned or they might feel like they don’t identify with either gender, so they identify as nonbinary/neither gender. In order to be happy, these people need to switch to the label that feels right, which makes them trans. [3]
    • Say, “Some people realize that the label the doctor gave doesn't match who they are on the inside. To be happy, they might decide to change their label. Then, they might change their name and the way they look to match their true gender.”
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  3. Ask your child if they have any questions about what being transgender means. If they do, answer the questions to the best of your abilities. Then, tell your child that they can come to you with more questions at any time. [4]
    • You might say, “I know you might have a lot of questions later, and that’s okay. I’m always here to help.”
    • If you don’t know an answer, tell your child that you’ll get back to them later that same day, then find the answer for them.
  4. It’s important to help your child understand that there’s nothing wrong with being transgender. Additionally, teach your child that they don’t need to treat transgender people differently. Tell them that it’s totally normal to be transgender. [5]
    • You might say, “It’s okay to be transgender, and you shouldn’t treat transgender people differently.”
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Teaching Your Child Inclusiveness

  1. Reading about transgender characters can help your child understand what it means to be trans. Look for books written for children your child’s age. Offer these books to your child and allow them to read them when they’re ready. [6]
    • Consider reading the book with your child so you can answer any questions that they have.
    • You might try My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis, Jacob’s New Dress by Sarah Hoffman, or "The True Story of a Boy Named Penelope" by Jodie Patterson.
  2. Many kids learn that girls like pink, dolls, and princesses, while boys like blue, sports, and trucks. Help your child understand that these are stereotypes, and it’s okay for boys and girls to be different. This will help you explain why transgender people don’t identify with their assigned gender. [7]
    • You might say, “You know how both Amy and Andrew like to play soccer? Anyone can like that kind of stuff.”
  3. You don’t need to explain what gender-neutral language is. Instead, model it for your child so they view it as normal. Refer to transgender people by their preferred pronouns, and use the singular “they” if you’re not sure about someone’s preferred pronouns. Additionally, avoid generalizing about gender norms. [8]
    • For instance, you might use "they" to refer to a person you don't know instead of assuming "he" or "she."
    • Similarly, say things like, “Most boys pee standing up like you, but some pee sitting down.”
  4. If your child knows a trans child, include them in your child’s special events and consider having a play date. Teach your child to be kind and accepting of their friend. This will help them accept trans and nonbinary people just like anyone else. [9]
    • Don’t make assumptions about the gender of a child. If a child is not out as transgender, don’t tell your child that they might be.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Coming Out to a Child

  1. Pick a time when you can sit and talk to your child alone. Let your child know in advance that you need to tell them something serious but that they aren’t in trouble. Make sure you have enough time for your child to ask any questions they might have. [10]
    • For instance, you might invite your child to share a snack on your porch. Say, “I need to tell you something important, but try not to worry because you aren’t in trouble.”
  2. Coming out is always hard, but telling your child may feel especially difficult. Explain that the label the doctor gave you at birth doesn’t feel right to you, and you’re finally ready to come out as your true self. Then, tell them your true gender identity. [11]
    • You might say, “The doctor said I was a boy when I was born, and I’ve tried to live that way my whole life. However, I realized early on that I’m really neither gender inside, and I'm something called nonbinary.”
  3. Tell your child what being trans means to you and how you’ll be expressing your identity. Describe what will change, as well as what will stay the same. Be prepared for your child to possibly interrupt you with questions. [12]
    • For instance, you could say, “I’m going to start wearing women’s clothing and makeup. Additionally, I’ll be growing out my hair and may sometimes wear wigs. I’d really like it if you’d call me ‘mom’ from now on, but I understand if you don’t feel comfortable with that.
    • Every gender transition is unique, and every person makes their own goals. What one person wants might be completely different from another person. Not every transgender person wants to legally change their name, go through hormone replacement therapy, or have surgeries. [13]
  4. Your child might be afraid that they’re losing a parent, so put their fears to rest. Tell them that you’re always going to love them and be there for them, but now you’re being more honest with them about who you are on the inside. [14]
    • Say, “I understand that you might be scared, but I’m still going to be your parent. I love you so much and will always be there for you. I feel like this is going to help me be there for you better because now I’m sharing who I really am.”
  5. Invite your child to ask questions about your transgender identity, your relationship with them, or anything else that’s worrying them. Do your best to answer their questions, but don’t feel pressured to discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable. [15]
    • If you don’t want to answer a question, you might say, “I want to be an open book with you, but that topic is too sensitive for me right now.”

    Tip: Keep in mind that they may not have questions at this time. Tell them that it’s okay to come to you with questions when they feel ready.

  6. [16] Your child may accept you right away, but it could take time for them to work through their emotions. Tell them that they can take as much time as they need and that you love them regardless of how they react. Then, continue to love and support your child as you normally would. [17]
    • Say, “I hope this can make our relationship stronger, but I understand that you might need time. Take as much time as you need to figure out how you feel. I’m always here to talk.”
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Helping and Supporting a Trans Child

  1. It’s normal for children to be afraid of expressing a trans identity, especially if they don’t have transgender or nonbinary role models. If you suspect your child might be trans, tell them that identifying with the opposite gender is totally okay. Additionally, introduce them to positive media about trans and nonbinary people. [18]
    • Telling whether a child is trans (not just gender-nonconforming) can be tricky. Some signs include frequently playing pretend as their true gender, crying over their assigned gender, hating their genitals, wanting to reincarnate as their true gender, getting deeply upset when forced into the wrong gender role, being happier when getting to be their true gender, and telling you that their assigned gender is wrong. [19] [20] [21]
    • Let your kid know about both gender-nonconforming and trans people. For example, "Some girls like to play with trucks and have short hair and they're still real girls. But sometimes, we think someone is a girl when he's actually a boy. All kids are different." Your kid's response will help tell you who they are.
    • You might say, “Sometimes people think someone is a boy because of her private parts, but she's really a girl,” or "You don't have to be a boy or a girl if you don't want to."
  2. While you might suspect your child is trans, don’t assume so unless they come out to you. Give them the time they need to decide what feels right to them. When they’re ready, they’ll tell you how they feel. [22]
    • Keep in mind that some girls like “masculine” things and some boys like “feminine” things. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trans.

    Tip: It’s okay to ask your child if they’re a boy, girl, both, or neither. However, don’t push them to give an answer.

  3. [23] Show excitement that they opened up to you. Tell them that you’re proud of them for sharing who they are and assure them that you love them no matter what. This shows your child that who they are is okay. [24]
    • You might say, “I’m so happy that you felt comfortable telling me. I’m proud of you for being brave in sharing your true self. I love you so much!”
  4. After your child comes out as trans, ask them what they want to be called. Always use the right name and pronouns. If you accidentally use their dead name or the wrong pronouns, apologize and explain that it was a mistake. [25]
    • You might apologize by saying, “I’m so sorry I just called you that. It was just out of habit, and I’ll do my best not to do it again. I love you.”

    Did You Know? When a transgender person chooses to stop using their birth name, this name is called their "dead name." It's important not to use a trans person's dead name, as it can be hurtful.

  5. Don’t try to change your child or to push them into transitioning too quickly. Let them take the lead on how they want to dress, what toys they want, and how they want to live. Be there for them as a constant support and source of love. [26]
    • Keep in mind that transgender means different things to each person. For instance, some transgender girls might enjoy wearing dresses, while others might like gender-neutral clothes. Similarly, some transgender boys might want short hair, while others might keep their long hair. Let your child decide what makes them happy.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be a good parent to my transgender child?
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    The best thing you can do is to listen to and believe your child. Finding community with other families who have trans kids can also be a great help, and if needed, also finding a gender-affirmative therapist.
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      Tips

      • Make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with being trans.
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      • Expose your child to child-appropriate TV shows and movies with positive portrayals of transgender characters to help them view it as normal.
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      References

      1. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-pink-and-blue/201605/how-talk-kids-about-what-it-means-be-transgender
      3. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      4. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/preschool/how-do-i-talk-with-my-preschooler-about-identity
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-pink-and-blue/201605/how-talk-kids-about-what-it-means-be-transgender
      6. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      7. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/preschool/how-do-i-talk-with-my-preschooler-about-identity
      8. ↑ https://www.linguisticsociety.org/resource/guidelines-inclusive-language
      9. ↑ https://www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2010/12/09/teaching-children-about-inclusion/
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-pink-and-blue/201605/how-talk-kids-about-what-it-means-be-transgender
      2. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/trans-and-gender-nonconforming-identities/coming-out-trans
      3. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/trans-and-gender-nonconforming-identities/coming-out-trans
      4. ↑ Lily Zheng, MA. Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant. Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.
      5. ↑ https://www.colage.org/resources/tips-for-coming-out-to-your-kids-about-your-sexual-orientation/
      6. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/preschool/how-do-i-talk-with-my-preschooler-about-identity
      7. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      9. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      10. ↑ https://apnews.com/article/fff654e8f29147988eec1aad2670862e
      11. ↑ https://polaristeen.com/articles/signs-of-transgender-child/
      12. ↑ https://www.kuow.org/stories/mama-i-was-supposed-be-born-girl/
      13. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/preschool/how-do-i-talk-with-my-preschooler-about-identity
      14. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.
      15. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      16. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
      17. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx

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