How to Get Your 'Suspected' Gay Friend to Confide in You

If you have a friend who isn't openly gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but you think they are, you might find yourself hurt that they can't confide in you. Maybe there are rumors about this friend and you just need to hear it from them. Whatever the reason, this article can help.


Steps

  1. 1
    Be cautious, and don't force the issue. Your friend will come out if and when they are ready. The coming out process is harder for some than for others, and they should never be pushed into it if they aren't ready yet. Remember, their coming out should be about them and their needs, not about you.
    • There are many reasons for someone to stay in the closet: they're questioning and want to wait until they're sure, they don't know if their community is safe, they're still struggling with self-acceptance, they want to come out to family first, or they haven't yet realized that they could be LGBT+. You can't know why your friend isn't out, but you have to respect their privacy. [1]
    • It's possible that you are wrong about your friend. Hints are only hints, and it's possible for you to misread a straight friend as gay or bi. [2]
  2. 2
    Notice signs that your friend might be gay or bisexual. While stereotypes abound, the only way to tell if someone is attracted to the same gender is to see that they are actually attracted to the same gender.
    • Consider whether they talk about people of the same gender being cute.
    • How do they respond to cute people of the same gender as them? Do they tend to watch an attractive person?
    • Look at their celebrity crushes. While a closeted friend may not feel comfortable expressing them aloud, they may speak especially positively about same-gender celebrities, or have posters of them.
    • Don't try to read too much into the situation. You can't tell what's going on in their heads, and if you try to investigate, you might end up being too intrusive and alienating your friend.
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  3. 3
    Be a good listener. You can make them more likely to confide in you by being a good listener and trustworthy person. If they can trust you with the little things, they're more likely to trust you with something big, like their sexual orientation.
    • Be a good listener. Focus on them, give your full attention, and avoid interrupting until they've said what they want to say.
    • Validate your friend's feelings. Treat their emotions as important, whether they're celebrating a success or stressing about a difficult situation.
    • Keep secrets. When in doubt, don't repeat what your friend has said. If you aren't sure whether something was meant to be secret, just ask "Is this something you're okay with me sharing, or would you prefer that I keep it private?"
  4. 4
    Express an accepting attitude towards LGBTQ+ people. [3] If your friend sees you as an accepting person, they'll be more likely to feel comfortable coming out around you. However, don't push the subject, because this may make it awkward. Make a simple remark, and only continue the conversation if other people want to talk about it. Otherwise, drop it.
    • Talk about an LGBT+ event. Mention Spirit Day, Day of Silence, Pride, or something else going on.
    • Mention a show with a same-gender couple. For example, "I love that Korra and Asami ended up together. I wish more shows had same-gender couples."
    • Bring up news in the LGBT+ community, from legislation to a celebrity coming out. Speak against bigotry, or in favor of LGBTQ+ people living freely.
  5. 5
    Be patient, and don't push it. Coming out is a personal journey, and it involves a lot of factors not related to you. Your friend might need to take their time, and that's absolutely okay—after all, they need to do what's best for them. Trust that they will come out if and when they are ready. [4]
  6. 6
    Demonstrate your dependability. Successful relationships are built on the foundation of trust. It fosters a sense of security, transparency, and respect. Keeping secrets, being honest, and not gossiping are all indications of trustworthiness.
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      Tips

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      Warnings

      • Don't make it about you. Your friend's coming out is a personal journey. Don't use it as a yardstick of how good of a friend you are, or as your personal entertainment. Respect their privacy.
        Thanks
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      References

      1. ↑ https://pflag.org/sites/default/files/BeYourself_2019_FINAL.pdf
      2. ↑ https://www.kent.edu/lgbtq/common-ally-questions
      3. ↑ https://www.kent.edu/lgbtq/common-ally-questions
      4. ↑ https://pflag.org/sites/default/files/BeYourself_2019_FINAL.pdf

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