How to Teach Kids the Difference Between Reporting and Tattling

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW

Last Updated: February 6, 2022 References

Children are taught to tell adults when other children are breaking rules and misbehaving. Sometimes telling adults, which is often called reporting, turns into tattling. Reporting should happen when there is a concern for safety. It is tattling when there is no danger involved, and the child tells on someone for personal gain. To teach the difference between tattling and reporting, you can learn about what sets them apart, help children decide what the distinctions are, and educate kids on how to talk to adults about the subject. ^{[1]
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Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Explaining the Basic Differences between Tattling and Reporting

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Teach your child when they should report. It is not tattling if the child is concerned that they or another child may be hurt or in danger. Explain to your child what danger and unsafe situations mean. If you are unsure that the claim is legitimate or necessary, ask the child to explain the situation. ^{[2]
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- For example, it is reporting and not tattling if one child pushes another child down and causes injury.
2
Recognize that tattling is when the child wants to avoid blame. It is normal for children to want to avoid blame. No one likes getting in trouble. But, it is not okay if the child tells on another child to avoid blame and/or put the blame on another child. To avoid this situation happening, explain to your child the benefits of owning up to their mistakes. For example, a benefit of opening up to your mistake is encouragement from the adult for making the right decision. ^{[3]
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- Tell your child to come to you anytime they think they have done something they are not supposed to do, or if they feel guilty about something.
- It is tattling if the child blames their sibling for breaking a toy knowing that their sibling didn't break the toy.
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Tell your child to report urgent problems. An urgent problem does not have to involve danger. An urgent problem could involve a wide variety of situations. For example, it is an urgent problem if one child has taken another child's lunchbox. No one is in danger, but the problem needs to be solved as soon as possible. ^{[4]
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- Keep in mind that urgent problems are different for adults and children. Talk to your children about what types of urgent problems they should come to you with. An urgent problem to a child may be that their brother took the ball from them. A child doesn't need to come to you with that problem. A child should, however, come to you if their brother stole the ball and rolled it into the road.
- When discussing this topic, take your child's age and maturity into account. Use your judgment to decide what types of situations to discuss with them.
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Identify when your child is tattling for personal gain. This does not necessarily mean that the child has bad intentions. For instance, the child may be feeling that they aren't getting enough attention. Or, the child may want to gain popularity with their friends and/or classmates. The child may come to you over something that even they should know is not worth tattling about. Speak to your child about other, healthier ways to get the attention they desire. ^{[5]
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- This may happen when your child sees an opportunity to get praise for telling on another child. For example, if a child sees another child cutting in line, they may think that an adult would be happy with them for knowing the rules.
- A healthier way to get attention from their peers is by showing interest in an activity the other children are taking part in.
Children do not yet have the ability both mentally and physically to solve all situations by themselves. A child may come to you with a situation that is neither dangerous nor urgent but can't be solved by themselves. An example of this is when one child throws another child's ball on the roof of a building. It isn't dangerous, but the child shouldn't handle it alone. ^{[6]
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Help children identify when an adult is not needed. Reporting turns into tattling when a child comes to the adults with situations that can be solved without an adult. It is natural for a child to feel nervous about handling a potentially stressful situation alone, but it is important for them to learn how to do it. Decide what situations you think the child should be able to handle and talk with them about it. ^{[7]
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- A child can handle someone cutting in front of them at the water fountain. A child can't handle it if this repeatedly happens with physical force.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Helping Children Learn the Difference

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Talk through the situation with the child. Talk with your child about situations that involve both tattling and reporting. If a child comes to you in a situation where they are reporting, give them positive reinforcement by explaining to them what they have done right. During instances of tattling, explain to them why they don't need to come to you, and what they could do to solve the situation on their own. ^{[8]
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- For instance, one situation where telling is not necessary is when a child tattles to you about their sibling sneaking a cookie. Explain to them why it is not their responsibility to come to you with this information unless asked to do so.
- Teach your children to ask themselves: "Is this about me or about other people?" If it's about other people, let the child know that is OK not to tell. The other people should tell instead.
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Give examples of when you should and shouldn't tell an adult. Think of situations that may come up in and outside of school. A few situations in school might be bullying, cutting in line, and stealing. Outside of school, the child might have to deal with a stranger coming up to them, temptation to do something inappropriate, or a confrontation with another child. Come up with a specific problem, place, and people. Tell the concrete example as if it were a story. Ask the child to decide whether or not to come to an adult with the problem. ^{[9]
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- For example, Sarah touched Fred's lunchbox at school when she wasn't supposed to. Should he tell an adult about this problem? Probably not.
- Another example would be, Sarah took Fred's lunchbox and won't give it back. Should he tell an adult about this problem? Yes, she should.
If you are having trouble making the difference between reporting and tattling clear, try acting out different scenarios. For example, role-play a situation where a child is calling another child a mean name. See how the child you are role-playing with reacts and guide them through the hypothetical scenario. ^{[10]
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You should not expect children to immediately and fully understand the difference between telling and tattling. If the child still tattles, gently remind them why they are tattling and how to solve the problem on their own next time. Over time, the child will learn when they are coming to you with a problem that they can't solve on their own. ^{[11]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Talking to Adults

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Ask to speak privately with an adult. Teach the child how to speak to an adult when they think there is a problem. They should know that it is not appropriate to loudly tell on someone in the middle of class. Tell the child to politely ask to speak to an adult privately. From there, tell them how to calmly explain the situation and ask for help. ^{[12]
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- Let your children know which adults are appropriate to approach. For example, a teacher or friend's parent is okay to approach, but it is not okay to walk up to a stranger.
- If there is immediate danger, tell the child that it is okay to tell the nearest adult what is happening.
Teach your child to stop and assess the problem before coming to an adult. If there is danger, like someone is hurt, then the child should immediately find help. When danger isn't present, the child should take a moment to figure out if they can solve the problem without the help of an adult. ^{[13]
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Let the child know that they can express their concerns. Stress to the child that it is okay to come to you if they aren't confident about handling the problem on their own. Even if the child thinks the situation isn't dangerous, tell them that it is okay to come to you with their concerns. It isn't tattling or telling—it is simply getting help trying to solve the problem. ^{[14]
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- Tell the child that they should first think the problem through before coming to you for assistance.
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Tips

If there are varying reports about an incident, investigate the situations by yourself. ^{[15]
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Do not punish a child for tattling unless you are sure that they were tattling and not telling. ^{[16]
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Warnings

You shouldn't discourage children to come to you when they think there is a problem. Stress that the child should follow their intuition when it comes to tattling and telling.

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How to Teach Kids the Difference Between Reporting and Tattling

Steps

Explaining the Basic Differences between Tattling and Reporting

Helping Children Learn the Difference

Talking to Adults

Expert Q&A

Tips

Warnings

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References

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