How to Deal with a Toxic Mother

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While toxic relationships are not limited to parent-child relationships, they are often the most damaging because parents are responsible for shaping how their children view themselves and the world around them. Simply put, a toxic relationship jeopardizes your mental, psychological, or physical well-being. This article will teach you how to identify and deal with a toxic mother. [1]

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Identifying a Toxic Mother

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  1. Manipulation is a defining characteristic of a toxic parent. A manipulative person attempts to change the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of another person for their own benefit. This is frequently done in a covert manner. If you suspect you are being manipulated, consider whether your thoughts, feelings, and actions are your own or appear to be influenced by someone else. [2]
    • This is more common in parents with serious manipulative personality/mental disorders, such as Borderline Personality Disorder.
  2. If you have ever felt as if your mother has tried to control what you think, feel, or do, she may be toxic. Even as an adult, your mother may have decided what college you would attend, who you would date, or what clothes you would wear. A toxic mother's behavior is sometimes accompanied by controlling tendencies. [3]
    • This can be damaging, since having a controlling parent can also prevent you from learning necessary skills for adulthood. When it comes to being an adult, you may feel insecure or lost.
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  3. A mother's failure to respect boundaries is one of her most common characteristics of a toxic parent. You may have tried to establish boundaries in your relationship only to have them ignored. [4]
    • For example, you may have requested that she respect your privacy, only to discover that she has been reading your journal entries or snooping on your social media.
    • This is more common in mother-daughter relationships, where mothers infringe on their daughters' privacy because they are both women.
    • If these issues persist into adulthood, it is critical to recognize them and inform your parents that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. If it's constantly bothering you, it might be time to limit the amount of communication you allow from that parent since this can be damaging in the long run. [5]
  4. Empathy is the ability to consider and comprehend the emotional experience of another person. Toxic parents rarely make an effort to understand their children's problems. Children learn how to empathize with others by witnessing empathy in their parents. Toxic mothers frequently lack empathy for their children and express love, understanding, and warmth inconsistently or hardly ever. [6] [7]
  5. Toxic parents frequently blame their children for their own problems and events that are unrelated to them. For example, if a parent is constantly upset about a dirty house, they are likely to blame their child for the mess, even if their child had no involvement in its creation. [8]
  6. You may be in a toxic relationship if your mother minimizes or dismisses your accomplishments. Because many mothers have insecurities of their own, she may be unable to be proud of you. This is particularly painful because it is a common desire to seek acceptance from one's parents. [9]
    • If your mother minimizes or dismisses your achievements, you may be in a destructive relationship with her. You might discover that no matter what you do, you'll never truly feel as if you've earned your mother's approval.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Dealing with a Toxic Mother

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  1. It may be necessary to set some boundaries when dealing with a toxic mother. You may become codependent in your quest for your mother's love or approval. A healthy boundary might be limiting the number of phone calls you accept from your parent or informing them that they cannot drop by your house unannounced. Explain these boundaries to your parents in a clear but gentle manner, and then stand by them by keeping your word. [10] [11]
    • When setting boundaries, do your best to recognize your self-worth as important and get clear on what you need and what is important to you.
    • Figure out what behaviors you will no longer tolerate—if necessary, talk to a therapist about this so you can learn to better stand up for yourself. State it clearly and matter of fact, without hesitation or defensiveness.
    • Remember that boundaries are not negotiable, and a toxic parent will do whatever it takes to win the negotiation.
    • You have to be clear, direct and firm. And decide on what the consequences will be for violating those boundaries.
  2. Spending time apart from her, whether on the phone or in-person, may help relieve some of the burdens of having to interact with her while still allowing you to have a relationship with her. [12]
    • Remember that familiarity breeds contempt, so a little distance works wonders. It will not only give you some peace, but it will also give you time to decide and think about how you want to handle the relationship in the future.
  3. Some people and children have the fantasy that they can change their parents into the people they want them to be, but changing someone else is impossible. Instead, concentrate on what you can control, such as how you react to toxicity. Keep your attention on what you can change, such as limiting your time with her. [13]
  4. Healing is possible if you were raised by a toxic mother. If dealing with a toxic parent is causing you significant stress, you may benefit from seeking professional assistance. Family dynamics are often difficult and complicated. If you have a toxic mother, you may be afraid to admit that you have mixed feelings about her. Therapy allows you to reflect on how your childhood experiences shaped the way you think, feel, and behave toward yourself and others.
    • If your mother agrees to work on herself, family therapy is a great idea. Family therapy is a type of psychological counseling (psychotherapy) that can assist family members in improving communication and conflict resolution. A psychologist, clinical social worker, or licensed therapist is usually in charge of family therapy.
  5. While picking fights to argue with a toxic mother is not a good idea, practicing voicing your needs can help you form healthy relationships with others by voicing your needs and saying how you feel. This will also help you avoid constantly seeking approval from others and stand up for yourself.
  6. Take care of yourself and your basic needs by eating nutritious foods, This could be accomplished through sports, exercise, or art. The important thing here is to find a constructive outlet for your emotions, such as painting, playing an instrument, or creating art. [14]
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Coping with a Toxic Mother

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  1. Your support system can be useful in coping with the stress caused by toxic parent relationships. If you need to vent or brainstorm solutions, don't be afraid to reach out to loved ones or trusted friends. Consider joining a support group for children of toxic parents if you don't feel like you have enough positive support. [15]
  2. If you and your mother argue, or if your mother's behavior/actions are too much for you to bear, you'll need a way to unwind. Try something new, like journaling or exercising. You could also unwind by doing things like meditation, yoga, listening to music, or taking a warm bath/shower. [16]
  3. This could be a family member's home, a friend's home, or somewhere else where you can be yourself and get away from your mother when you need a break or things get heated between you too.
  4. If your mother ever hurts you physically, emotionally, or mentally, tell a teacher, counselor, trusted family member, or call local authorities/911.
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Join the Discussion...

How do I deal with toxic parents, what do I do?
Itsss Amyyyy!
Itsss Amyyyy!
My parent's are so annoying they demand they they are right and say stuff like I will hit you for just a small reason and they will just keep yelling at me and they never listen and understand me.

They are so overprotective and they wont give me space, It's not normal for a parent to treat a teenager like that right? If I talk and stand up they will interrupt me and shout at me and they will also compare to me.

My stepmom always compares me with her own daughter. My stepsister is a snitch and she is toxic too, she keeps so many things from her own mom but when I share her something she just spills it all out and just imagine living with parents who wont even let you wear shorts even at home.

My parents are so strict especially at an age where we know we are independent and that we are growing up. My dad still jokes and it's irritating and I hate my stepmom and my stepsister until they came and ruined my life literally! They say hurtful words and such word that you cant even imagine and literally It's just a pain. Ever since 6 and now I'm 17 and just imagine I mean. Hope once you get this you are able to do answer but what do I do guys?
wikiHow Editorial Team
We're sorry to hear that you're dealing with toxic parents . They can make life a bit more difficult, but there are strategies that can help you communicate how you're feeling with them. Start by sitting down and explaining to them that you don't feel heard or understood and you would like a bit more space and independence. Try to stay calm and speak to them respectfully, and provide specific examples of what you'd like to see change.

You may also want to stop confiding in your stepsister if she tells your parents what you say. Be cordial, but don't tell her anything you wouldn't want your parents to know. Additionally, if there are common conversations that cause issues with your parents, try to avoid the topics that start arguments. If you feel a conflict starting, stay calm and just get some space so you don't engage with them.

This can be a really difficult situation, so focus on the things that make you happy and remember to take care of yourself. If your parents aren't willing to change or see your side of things, then it may be best to speak to a trusted adult, school counselor, or a therapist for additional help.
Gera Anderson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
If your parents are acting toxic, strict, or overprotective, have a conversation with them to understand their point of view. Give them concrete examples of what you feel is them being “overprotective” and why you feel that way. Ask them if there are some ways that you can prove that you are responsible and capable without them interfering.

This may mean that you get some small privilege or make a decision on your own. Just be sure to follow through on any agreements you have made with your parents and with any of their guidelines.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      2. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
      3. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
      4. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
      5. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      6. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      7. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      8. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      9. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
      1. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      2. ↑ https://www.happierhuman.com/toxic-mother/
      3. ↑ https://www.happierhuman.com/toxic-mother/
      4. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-parenting/
      5. ↑ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      6. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-parenting/
      7. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/toxic-parents
      8. https://www.happierhuman.com/toxic-mother/
      9. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882
      10. https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/toxic-parents
      11. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
      12. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-parenting/

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