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It's been a long time coming. You love him. He loves you. However, that magic moment just hasn't happened yet. How can you get him to propose ? Just follow these steps to find out.
Things You Should Know
- Make sure you're both happy and ready for marriage before you bring it up.
- Drop casual hints to get him thinking about it. For example, comment on an engagement ring commercial or mention a friend's upcoming wedding.
- Highlight practical benefits like sharing an insurance plan and filing joint income tax returns.
Steps
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Make sure he will be ready for the commitment. Though you might have been together for over a year, or even five, that doesn't mean that he's ready to marry you. Some men want to get married eventually, but only when they are ready. The concept of "ready" is complicated and often involves a feeling that he has "played the field," had adventure, had independent fun, is financially stable, is mature and now ready to settle down. All of these are valid reasons and you shouldn't ignore him and force him to do something that he's just not ready to do.
- Speak to him, be very clear about being in a more committed relationship, he may have different opinions or ideas of marriage. [1]
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Expert Source
Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 3 September 2021. - See if he's committed to you in any way other than calling you his girlfriend. This could mean moving in with you, sharing a pet with you, moving to a new location with you, or even putting himself in the same exact social circle as you.
- Speak and communicate to your partner about marriage, maybe he has gone through some painful experiences within his life that prevent him from committing to getting married. [2]
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Expert Source
Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 3 September 2021. - See if he's had other relationships. If he's had significant dating experience before, then you shouldn't be jealous, but fortunate that he's had some experience with women and is more likely to feel less interest in "playing the field" and seeing what else is out there.
- Speak to him, be very clear about being in a more committed relationship, he may have different opinions or ideas of marriage. [1]
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Expert Source
Luis Congdon
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Make sure that it's the right time in his life. Every relationship is different, and many couples who got engaged after being together for just a year or two can have marriages that are just as successful as those of couples who waited five or ten years to get married. If it's not the right time in your man's life, then it doesn't matter how long you've been together.
- If he's still trying to figure out his career, if all of his buddies are still single and not even really dating, or if he still has a lot of personal issues to sort out, then it may not be the best for him to marry you.
- If he's not feeling stable personally, financially, or even physically, then his mind may be on other things.
- Still, keep in mind that there's no perfect time to get married. If it hasn't felt like "the right time" for years, then there may be bigger problems.
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Make sure that he can't see a future without you in it. If you want to get your long term boyfriend to propose, then you should make sure that he can't imagine his life without you. Sure, you've been together for three years, but does that mean he wants to be with you for thirty? If every time he talks about the future, he starts with "We..." and if he's mentioned moving to a new place with you, buying a home with you, or even starting a family with you, then sure, he's probably thinking of being with you forever.
- If he never talks about what will happen even six months down the line, even if you're planning to attend a wedding together, or if he's spending a summer studying abroad, then he may be trying to avoid the issue.
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Get a feel for his views on marriage. Some men are very nonchalant about marriage—they're fine with getting married, but they'd also be fine with not getting married. If this is the case, don't expect him to be as enthusiastic about marriage as you are and accept that it's something he'd be doing mostly because you want to. You'll have to do a lot of nudging to get the wedding of your dreams.
- Speak to him clearly and be vocal about your intention of getting married. Get his views on committed relationships and marriage. [3]
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Expert Source
Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 3 September 2021. - It's also possible the he doesn't want to get married at all, to anyone. Getting a guy who decidedly doesn't believe in marriage to propose to you is pretty much impossible.
- Speak to him clearly and be vocal about your intention of getting married. Get his views on committed relationships and marriage. [3]
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Expert Source
Luis Congdon
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Bring up marriage casually. To avoid overwhelming your boyfriend, you should start by being subtle and build your way up to talking about your own marriage. You should start by casually bringing up a conversation about marriage that doesn't directly involve your marriage. You can mention someone else who got married or engaged recently or make a comment on an engagement commercial, for example. A good way to start things is to express confusion or even mild criticism. Here's how to do it:
- You could say, "A co-worker just got back from his honeymoon. You know where they went? To the beach. That's so weird to me because we go to the beach about once a month and it's so close by. If I was going on a honeymoon, I'd want to go somewhere new and exotic. Wouldn't you?"
- You could also say, "Can you believe John proposed to Marla on a Ferris wheel? I think that's perfect for them, but I think I'd like something a little different."
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Mention your future together. Don't say, "I can't wait to have ten kids with you!" Just subtly start making comments that allude to you being together in the future, whether you're married or not. If he isn't responsive to the indirect approach, start slowly making it more direct with phrases like, "if we stay together," "if we live together," and later, "if we get married."
- Watch his reaction when you discuss the future. See if he carries that conversation on or avoids the subject.
- Remember that even though this may have been on your mind for a long time, this is a new conversation for him and he needs time to sort out his thoughts. Don't expect him to have his answer prepared.
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Plan a romantic trip. If you think that your man has been waiting for the perfect time to make the right move, then suggest that it's time that you go on vacation. Make sure that you plan it far enough away -- at least two or three months -- so your man has time to think of it as a potential place to propose. Don't mention anything about how it would be the perfect proposal destination and wait for him to figure it out. [4] X Research source
- If you don't mention that it would be a great place to get engaged, then he won't feel that you're putting the pressure on.
- And even if he doesn't propose, seeing you in a romantic setting where many people do propose will put his mind on proposing.
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Comment that a ring is not important to you. If you don't want an expensive ring -- or a ring at all -- mention it casually in a conversation. This is an important point. Many men don't propose because they're putting off figuring out what kind of ring their woman wants and what her ring size is. Many more men don't propose because they're not ready to shell out thousands of dollars for a diamond ring and think it'll take them forever to save up for it.
- Well, if you don't want a fancy ring, or even a ring at all, then you can mention it, however subtly, so that he knows that this shouldn't be a factor in his plans for a proposal.
- You can even mention your thoughts on the ring by mentioning someone else's ring. You could say, "Did you see that rock Rick gave to Sheila? I can't believe she didn't fall over with that thing on her hand. I would never want a ring like that -- I'd want it to be small and simple."
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Describe your idea of a perfect wedding. If you don't want an expensive wedding, mention it. Though a proposal does not mean an immediate wedding, many men are also deterred from proposing because they're worried that they'll never be able to afford an expensive 400 person wedding, or because they don't want to be roped in to the wedding-planning hoopla. Well, if you planned on just having a small wedding in the park with 50 of your closest friends and family and having a casual dress code, you should find a way to mention this too.
- Though this shouldn't be a factor in a man's decision to marry you for life, it does deter men from wanting to get the ball rolling on the whole marriage thing. Can you blame them?
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Let him see you as "wife material." Though he may think you're a ton of fun or a sex kitten, you should also let him see you as wife material -- as the woman who will be his lifelong partner and potentially the mother of his children. So, show him that you'd make a great wife as well as a fun girlfriend. Let him see that you're independent and career-oriented while also knowing how to take care of him when he's sick, how to tastefully decorate your home, and how to cook a healthy meal -- nothing fancy required.
- If you want him to see you as a wife, then your relationship should be positive most of the time. If you spend most of your time fighting or crying about your insecurities, he won't think you're ready for marriage.
- Let him see that you have your act together on your own and that you're ready to move towards marriage. If he thinks that your life won't be complete until you get married, he won't want to propose.
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Address his fears. If you've openly discussed marriage, then you can assuage his fears a bit so he sees that he has nothing to be scared about. Maybe he's concerned that once you get married, you'll change somehow, and settle into a comfort zone . Or, is he worried that after tying the knot, he'll be pressured to start a family right away? It could also be that he feels insecure somehow, and his current self-image doesn't match the role he envisioned as a husband. [5] X Expert Source Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.- If he's just worried about the ring or the wedding itself, then you can think of some creative compromises. If he can't afford a ring, can you live without one? If he doesn't want a big wedding, how about eloping or having a small, private ceremony?
- If he's afraid that marriage will take the luster out of your relationship, have some go-to happily married couples that you both admire that you can point to.
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Make a logical argument for getting married. If he's a logical thinker, appeal to that part of his brain. Though it may not be the most romantic approach to take, there are some practical benefits of getting married. Practical and legal benefits of marriage include putting your significant other on your insurance plan, being eligible for more government benefits and filing joint income tax returns. [6] X Research source
- Marriage is also an effective way to make sure your mate is taken care of if you die suddenly. If you are not married, and one of you dies, the other will not inherit anything unless it is spelled out in a will. And even if it is , there will be estate and gift taxes. Also, if you are married you can receive wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
- Though you may not want to go down this morbid line of thinking, it is very logical, and is something to consider -- especially if you've been together for fifteen years and aren't married.
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Make him see what he'll miss if he doesn't marry you. If he really sounds like he's unsure about whether he wants to marry you or not, or even says he needs some time to himself to figure some things out, then let him have that time. But make it clear that you're not waiting around forever for him to make the move, and that you're a great catch that any man would be lucky to marry. [7] X Research source
- While you shouldn't make him feel bad for being uncertain or make him propose because he feels jealous or guilty, you should let him know that if you've invested a lot of time and love into the relationship and he still doesn't know what he wants, that you have your limits, too.
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Propose yourself . If you think that the time is right and that you're both ready to get married, then hey, it's the 21st century and you can take the matter into your own hands. If you've been waiting around long enough and you're sure that the only thing really holding your man back is the proposal itself instead of the prospect of marriage, then speed things up by asking him to marry you.
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Avoid repeatedly bringing up marriage talks. It's a guarantee that if you mentioned wanting to get married once, it's burned into his brain. The more you talk about it, the less he hears it. If you're the one who always brings it up and the word "marriage" never comes out of his mouth, then you should take it easy for a while.
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Tell your friends and family to zip it. You may think your friends are being helpful by casually slipping in marriage comments to him, but it will likely make him feel ganged up on. Let him come to the decision on his own, without the advice or urging of those in your life.
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Do not give him an ultimatum. Though you may think that giving your man an ultimatum is the fastest way to get him to spring to action, giving an ultimatum -- "Marry me or it's over" -- will actually make him feel too much pressure and won't make him propose any faster. Saying, "Propose in the next two months or it's over" will actually scare him off and will deter him from proposing.
- However, if you really feel like you've been waiting around forever and are fully ready and think he is, too, then let him know without making a harsh statement.
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Do not put pressure on him. If you've only been with your boyfriend for a few months, or have been together longer than that but things aren't really serious between you, be honest with yourself. You shouldn't start pressuring him to marry you if he's beyond not ready. Doing this too early in the relationship, especially way too early, can end the relationship quicker than you can say, "I do."
- Just because all of your friends are getting ready or you can't wait to try on a wedding dress doesn't mean that you should talk about your wedding from your second date -- or there won't be a third.
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Do not be desperate. Many magazines may give you the wrong message, making you think that if you want your man to fall in love with you, all you have to do is cook a five-course meal in a pair of hot high heels, stay up late to pick him up when he's on a bender with his buddies, or to generally be at his beck and call so he can see what an "amazing" girlfriend you are.
- This will not make him upgrade you to wife status. Men are much more interested in women who are confident and independent than women who serve their every need and will drop everything just to pamper and feed them -- especially if they're only doing it because they think it'll make him more likely to propose.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do you do when your boyfriend won't propose?Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.Let your partner know what you'd like to get out of the relationship. Explain why marriage is so important to you, and let him explain his thoughts on commitment as well.
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QuestionWhat do I do if my partner doesn't want to get married?Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.Have an honest conversation about what you both want. A lot of times, a person isn't looking for marriage as much as they're looking for a committed relationship with someone who makes them feel safe. See if there's a way your partner can satisfy those needs even if marriage is off the table.
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QuestionMy boyfriend and I are really happy together, and he told me to plan a wedding, but there was no proposal. He said he just needs to do a few things first, but the wedding is already arranged, what do I do?Community AnswerThere's no reason to be subtle in this situation. Tell him directly that your plans for the wedding are nearly to the stage of being finalized, and you need to set a date or know what his plans are.
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Tips
- If you've had a good relationship up to this point, don't let it go sour now just because he hasn't asked yet. You want him to want to marry you. Nagging him about it, breaking into crying fits and threatening to leave if he doesn't propose immediately will not get you what you want. Be patient, but if you can't be, tell him!Thanks
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Warnings
- Make sure you both are happy before thinking about getting into a marriage.Thanks
- Don't let your conversations about this topic turn into threats to leave. You want a commitment, not a break up.Thanks
- If marriage is something that you cannot live without and something that he is not interested in, then you are with the wrong person. The only alternative is to rethink your own position on marriage. If being with him means more than getting married, then you need to change your own opinion.Thanks
- If you can't give him the time he needs to sort through his feelings, he will feel pushed into it.Thanks
- Don't be clingy or obsessive.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.
- ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.
- ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meredith-bodgas/5-ways-to-get-a-proposal-_b_1814479.html
- ↑ Luis Congdon. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.
- ↑ http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-30190.html
- ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/commitment/how-my-boyfriend-went-from-unsure-to-proposing-in-two-weeks/
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Reader Success Stories
- "I think the idea of finding out how my boyfriend thinks about marriage is very vital. Knowing when and how to discuss marriage issues with him is another important method. This article has taught me to be patient with my boyfriend." ..." more
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"I think the idea of finding out how my boyfriend thinks about marriage is very vital. Knowing when and how to discuss marriage issues with him is another important method. This article has taught me to be patient with my boyfriend."
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"This was so useful to me! I went and asked my long term boyfriend, who I had been dating for 15 years (we started dating when we were both 13), if he would marry me. I hadn't even realized that I could be direct and ask him myself!"
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"The description of the women men really want as wife material and her role helped. How to act & see his reaction."
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