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Don't let a romp in the hay change the dynamic forever
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Hooking up with a friend might be fun in the moment, but how do you navigate staying friends afterward? It's really not so hard as long as you go slow, communicate clear boundaries, and treat each other with respect. Whether you’re in a friends with benefits situation, just had a one-time hook-up, or are trying to stay friends with an ex, you can keep your friendship going strong even when your sexual relationship is over. Read on to learn more!
Things You Should Know
- Communicate clear boundaries and expectations with your friend and treat one another with respect.
- Keep hanging out as friends would! Realize it might take some time before you feel totally comfortable; just go slow and keep things light for a while.
- You might want to avoid talking about your sex life with your friend, but be upfront about new partners, and try not to feel jealous if they start seeing anyone else.
Steps
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Have an honest conversation about your feelings the next morning. To keep your friendship alive, take a minute to talk about where you’re at emotionally. You can do this in person if you woke up together, or send a text if you went home on your own. Make sure to follow up right away so that there are no lingering awkward feelings. [1] X Research source
- Say something like, “That was a lot of fun! But I really value your friendship, so let’s not do that again. I don’t want to complicate things.”
- Or, if you’d like to keep up a physical relationship , let them know what you’re thinking: “I had a great time last night! Maybe this could happen again? If you’re up for it, let’s talk about it more. If not, no sweat.”
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Ask your friend to hang out to avoid awkwardness. You might be feeling a little awkward after hooking up with a friend, but don't worry. That's normal, and your friend probably feels a little weird, too. Don't try to make things too intense by having a long, deep conversation. Instead, check in with your friend to make sure you're on the same page. Then, ask them if they want to hang out. Keep your tone light, and suggest a platonic activity. [2] X Research source
- You can do this a day or two after the hook-up to get rid of any lingering awkward feelings.
- Say something like, "I just wanted to make sure we're cool about what happened the other night. I definitely want to still hang out as friends. Are you up for grabbing coffee later?"
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Take the friendship slowly. The fact is, being friends with someone you've slept with is probably going to be a little weird for a while, but that's not a bad thing. It just... is . It'll likely take time before you two start to feel comfortable talking about who you're dating now or relying on one another for emotional support. Communicate any boundaries you'd like your friend to respect while you navigate the complexity of a post-hookup friendship, and respect any boundaries or expectations of theirs. [3] X Research source
- Maybe your "rules" for the friendship include not talking about your other hookups in front of each other, or maybe you're perfectly at ease doing that, but don't feel comfortable being alone with your friend. The rules aren't set in stone.
- Don't be afraid to revise your rules as you go. For instance, you might think you're cool hearing about your friend's new partner until they actually broach the subject.
- When you're just starting to hang out again after sleeping together, group hangs are the way to go: there's way less pressure, and it's a great way for you both to test the waters before diving in.
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Be upfront about new partners. While you might not want to get too in-depth about your sex life with the friend you've hooked up with, don't hide new relationships, either. Whether you casually slip your new partner's name into conversation or invite them along to your next group hang, be up front and direct about their presence in your life without making a big deal out of it.
- The same holds for how to tell your new partner you've slept with your friend: no need to get into the details or to share on the first date, but it's best not to withhold the info in the interest of transparency. [4] X Research source
- If and when your friend starts dating someone new, try not to be jealous or possessive. Remember, you're friends, not lovers. That said, don't be afraid to take some space from your friend for a while if you find it difficult to accept they're seeing someone else.
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Communicate with each other to stay on the same page. Hooking up with a friend can be a lot of fun. You already know that you like them, after all. Before you become friends with benefits, talk to each other about your expectations. Make it clear what you are looking for and listen respectfully to the other person. [5] X Expert Source Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021. It doesn’t have to be an intense, lengthy conversation, but being open from the beginning will help keep the friendship healthy. [6] X Research source- You could say, “I’m not looking for a commitment or relationship. Is it okay with you if we keep this completely casual?”
- Another option is, “I’m really attracted to you, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I still want to be just friends.”
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Set ground rules to create healthy boundaries. To keep things from getting too complicated, lay out some guidelines for this new part of your relationship. Have an honest conversation once you start hooking up. Let the other person know that you want to keep things light, but that it’s important to you to have some boundaries. [7] X Expert Source Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.- Try suggesting that you don’t spend the night together if that seems too intimate for you.
- You could also request that they don’t hook up with anyone else while you two are hooking up. This isn't a rule for everyone, but you and your friend with benefits must come to an agreement and follow it to the letter. Communication is key in every relationship. [8]
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Expert Source
Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.During this conversation, make it clear that you want something casual. Directness, when delivered with charm, is a great recipe for facilitating fun, low-pressure encounters.
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Treat each other with respect. All healthy friendships are based on mutual respect, whether you've had sex or not. Listen to your friend when they voice their needs, feelings, and boundaries. Take care not to gossip about your friend or your relationship. It’s nobody else’s business! [9] X Research source
- It’s also respectful to respond to texts or calls in a timely manner. Basically, don’t treat your friend any differently than you did in the past.
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Keep the relationship light-hearted by focusing on fun. Although boundaries and respect are key, you don’t have to make this too serious or complicated. Above all else, hooking up is supposed to be fun for both of you. Check in occasionally about your feelings, but keep things light-hearted by enjoying your physical connection. [10] X Research source
- Don’t feel pressure to set up date nights or anything like that. This isn’t a traditional relationship, so you can be a lot more casual.
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Find other outlets for your emotional needs. When you hook up, avoid talking about anything too serious. If you need to talk to someone, try taking it to a family member or another friend. If you depend on your hook-up friend for everything, you risk making this a more serious relationship. [11] X Research source
- For example, if you’re dealing with an issue at work, try venting to a friendly co-worker instead of bringing the conflict into the bedroom with you.
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Continue to hang out as friends when you're not hooking up. It can be easy to get caught up in the fun physical part of hooking up, but make sure to prioritize your friendship. It's likely that you'll stop hooking up at some point, but if you work at it, there's no reason you can't continue being friends. Keep doing things as friends that don't involve getting physical so that you remember the true foundation of your relationship. [12] X Research source
- For example, if you and your friend have always enjoyed playing tennis together, continue to do that.
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Be upfront and honest when you're ready to stop hooking up. Maybe you've met someone or maybe the fun has just run its course. Whatever the reason, have a talk with your friend and tell them that you want to be just friends again . You can share as much or as little about your reasons as is comfortable for you. The important part is that you let them know what you need and want. [13] X Research source
- Try saying, "I've been having a lot of fun, but I think it’s better for us to end the physical part of our relationship. I'm ready to move on and start dating someone else. How do you feel about that?"
- If you feel like you need a little break from the friendship, make that clear, too. Otherwise, continue doing the things you like to do together as friends.
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Be upfront about new relationships. While you might want to avoid getting into the deets of your newest sexcapades with your friend right after you've stopped hooking up, there's no need to shy away from letting them know you're seeing anyone new. Be upfront about new partners, whether by informing your friend directly or by just casually inviting them to group hangouts.
- You might say, "Hey, Lane, I just wanted to let you know I've started seeing someone else."
- Letting them know directly may help them prepare to see you with someone else, but showing up to your mutual friend's house party with a date is also a low-key way to show your friend you've moved on.
- It might be tempting to keep new relationships secret, but realize that your friend could still hear about it via the rumor mill. They might feel better hearing it from you directly.
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Try not to be possessive or jealous. After hooking up with a friend, it's not uncommon to feel the pangs of jealousy or lust for a little while, even if you know you aren't actually interested in this friend. That said, try to avoid feeling insecure or jealous when your friend inevitably starts seeing someone new. It may hurt at first, but the feeling will fade in time.
- If it's hard to accept that your friend has gotten involved with someone new, consider taking a step back from the friendship for a little while. The feelings will likely get easier to manage over time. [14] X Research source
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Take some time apart from each other. Even if your breakup was amicable, it’s still a good idea to give each other some space. Allow yourself some time to process your emotions and get into a new routine. There’s no set amount of time that works for everyone, but plan to stay away from each other for at least a few weeks. [15] X Research source
- While you’re taking time apart, limit all communications. That means no texting in addition to not hanging out.
- Mute the other person on social media. That way you won’t be tempted to keep monitoring what they’re up to.
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Make sure the romantic spark is gone. It is possible to be friends with an ex , but only if you both want to be completely platonic. While you’re spending time apart, check in with your emotions. Do you miss being affectionate with your ex? If so, you’re probably not ready to have a friendship. If you just miss their company, you can likely handle the change in your relationship. [16] X Research source
- Be upfront with your ex. Ask them whether they have any lingering physical attraction to you. If they say yes, take some more time apart before hanging out as friends.
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Set healthy boundaries. Establish from the outset what each of you thinks is appropriate. Choose some guidelines for how you will contact each other and how often you'll see each other. If you don’t do this, you might fall back into old habits, like seeing each other daily. While this might feel comfortable, it will probably make it pretty hard to actually move on. [17] X Research source
- You could make a rule that you won’t contact each other after 9 p.m., or that you only meet for lunch once a month.
- Maybe there are certain topics of conversation you’ll avoid around your ex, such as your sex lives or love lives. That said, be sure to be upfront about new partners, and to (eventually) tell new partners about your ex's presence in your life.
- There are no firm and hard rules for how to behave around an ex. Talk to your ex about what works for the 2 of you.
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Choose activities that won’t lead to physical contact. If you’re really committed to staying friends, don’t hook up with your ex. It might be tempting, but it won’t help you move forward. When you spend time together, pick activities that aren’t likely to lead to hooking up. [18] X Research source
- For example, you might avoid drinking together. Being tipsy might cause you to drop the boundaries that you’ve set up.
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Try not to be jealous of your ex's new partners. Your ex may eventually bring a new partner around, and it's bound to make you a bit uneasy, especially if you only recently ended your relationship with your ex. Go easy on yourself for experiencing complicated feelings or even outright jealousy, but try not to give into those feelings or put them on your ex to deal with. It might hurt, but your ex is allowed to move on (and so are you). [19] X Research source
- You might need to take some space away from your ex for a bit to adjust to the idea of them seeing someone new.
- Remember that insecurity, possessiveness, or even longing when your ex starts seeing someone else are pretty common feelings, and they don't necessarily indicate that you're still interested in your ex. They'll likely go away with time.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan you be friends with someone you have slept with?Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.Possibly, but you need to have plenty of communication. Make sure that both you and the other person are on the same page and that your relationship is totally platonic. If you or the other person is a new relationship, check that you both are comfortable and unthreatened by the arrangement.
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QuestionI had sex with my best friend of four years after I had gotten out of a relationship. She told me she wanted something serious but I wasn't ready. Now she won't talk to me but I'm ready to be with her.This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerSex with friends can be tricky, especially if one of you has recently gotten out of another relationship--emotions are all over the place! But major kudos to you for recognizing that you weren't ready for anything more serious at the time and telling her that. Your best friend in this scenario is honest communication. Unfortunately, though, if you tell her you're ready to be with her and she's no longer up for it, you might just be two ships passing in the night.
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QuestionI slept with my neighbor. We've been hooking up every Saturday, and he wants to keep it casual, but I want more. What should I do?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerUnfortunately, if you want more and he doesn't, the best solution is probably to stop hooking up. It can be tempting to keep seeing him in the hopes that he'll change his mind (been there, done that...), and sometimes that does happen, but just as often, it doesn't happen. So keep up a casual relationship if you want, but realize you can't force him to change his mind, and he very well may not.
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Tips
- Prioritize your own emotions. If you don’t feel comfortable staying friends, don’t force yourself.Thanks
- Don’t be afraid to let the other person know your physical boundaries.Thanks
- Stay safe. If you go home with someone, let a friend know where you are.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/sex-relationships/dating/what-really-happens-when-you-hook-friend
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/sex-relationships/dating/how-avoid-being-awkward-after-hooking
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202011/should-couples-really-share-their-sexual-histories
- ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-be-an-ethical-hook-up
- ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
- ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-be-an-ethical-hook-up
- ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/how-to-make-your-friends-with-benefits-situation-last
- ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/how-to-make-your-friends-with-benefits-situation-last
- ↑ https://stylecaster.com/friends-with-benefits-mistakes/
- ↑ https://guardian.ng/life/love-and-relationships/how-to-end-a-friends-with-benefits-relationship-and-stay-friends/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/today-s-couples-and-families/201807/ok-we-hooked-what-happens-now
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/59x7bk/how-to-stay-friends-with-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
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