Is My Relationship Toxic?

Take this quiz to find out!

Every relationship has its challenges sometimes—but toxic relationships are more than that. Characterized by unhealthy habits like controlling behavior, gaslighting, and the like, toxic relationships often don’t have things that are normally essential to relationships, like respect and mutual support. While toxic relationships can be fixed, it’s important to understand the problem (and what’s going on) first.

So, how can you tell if your relationship is toxic? Answer a few of our questions, and we’ll tell you whether your relationship seems healthy, toxic, or lies somewhere in the middle.

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Questions Overview

1. How do you make up after a heated argument?
  1. We talk it through rationally and reach a solution.
  2. We just run out of steam and let the argument fizzle out.
  3. My partner storms off and won’t talk about it when they return.
  4. I always have to apologize, even if I didn’t start the argument.
2. Does your partner actively listen to your concerns?
  1. Yes, absolutely. They truly want to know and understand my feelings.
  2. I’m not sure. They listen but don’t really do anything to address the issue.
  3. Not really. They tend to be indifferent or avoid me when I want to talk.
  4. No. If I try to raise an issue, they get defensive and start fighting with me.
3. What does your partner do when you’re going through a hard time?
  1. They support and encourage me every step of the way.
  2. They stick with me but don’t really offer any support unless I ask.
  3. They tend to downplay my problems rather than helping me.
  4. They disappear and claim they have more important things to take care of.
4. Is your partner more likely to take responsibility for a problem or blame you?
  1. They always take responsibility for their mistakes.
  2. They don’t own up to anything but give me gifts to make up for it.
  3. Neither. They just act like nothing happened, and it’s not a big deal.
  4. They always blame me when they make a mistake.
5. How does your partner treat you in public?
  1. They’re very attentive, and we always hold hands!
  2. They stay close but don’t often initiate any physical contact.
  3. They’re inconsistent; one minute, they’re with me, and the next, they’re not.
  4. They totally abandon me and act like I’m not there.
6. Do you feel like your partner appreciates you?
  1. Yes, I always feel appreciated and respected.
  2. I feel appreciated sometimes—other times, not so much.
  3. I think they take me for granted; I don’t feel appreciated.
  4. No, my partner openly criticizes and undermines me.
7. Does it ever seem like they praise you excessively and bombard you with gifts?
  1. We get each other gifts sometimes, but it’s never over the top.
  2. No, my partner doesn’t get me anything; I pay for most things myself.
  3. Sometimes, they smooth over disagreements with gifts and compliments.
  4. Yes, they often praise me for every little thing and buy me expensive gifts.
8. Does your partner ever make you second-guess yourself or question your sanity?
  1. No, never. My partner validates my feelings.
  2. Not really, but they also don't always validate or respond to my feelings.
  3. Sometimes. They don’t always do it, but they’ve made me question myself before.
  4. Yes. Whenever I have a concern, they tell me I’m overreacting or imagining things.
9. How do you and your partner handle differences of opinion?
  1. We agree to disagree and move on—no big deal!
  2. My partner doesn’t argue with me but seems irritable afterward.
  3. My partner doesn’t really pay attention or acknowledge my opinions.
  4. My partner gets angry and verbally attacks me for my opinions.
10. Do you feel like you and your partner share equal power in the relationship?
  1. Yes. We work as a team (but respect each other’s independence too).
  2. For the most part, although my partner has made decisions without me before.
  3. I feel like there’s a power imbalance, and my partner takes charge too much.
  4. No. My partner openly gets angry if I try to make decisions without them.
11. What are your partner’s interactions with your friends and family like?
  1. They prioritize their relationships with my loved ones and get along great!
  2. They’re civil with my loved ones and do their best to tag along when I see them.
  3. They’re indifferent and don’t really make an effort to get to know my loved ones.
  4. They hate interacting with my loved ones and want me to stop seeing them too.
12. How well does your partner manage their emotions?
  1. They manage their emotions well.
  2. They have some emotional issues but are willing to work on them.
  3. They don’t deal with emotions and avoid expressing them.
  4. They’re emotionally volatile; I never know when they might get mad at me.

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Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships are characterized by unhealthy behavior from one (or both) partners, including dishonesty, disrespect, lack of support or communication, and controlling tendencies. All healthy relationships have conflict from time to time, but partners are still able to solve disagreements together, make joint decisions, connect emotionally, and enjoy one another’s company most of the time. Conversely, toxic relationships rarely feel enjoyable at all; frequent conflict and disdain make them difficult to maintain.

However, it’s important to remember that toxic behavior and abuse are two different things. Emotional and physical abuse are two types of toxic behavior—but while toxic relationships are unhealthy, they’re not always abusive. In some cases, however, toxicity in a relationship can lead to abusive behavior. That’s why it’s important to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship as soon as they begin:

Lack of support. You don’t feel like your partner supports you, and you may not feel comfortable relying on them for anything. If your partner isn’t supportive of you, you may also feel like your needs don’t really matter to them—rather, they might only be concerned with their own needs.

Toxic communication. Communication between partners should always be based on kindness and respect—so toxic communication is the opposite of that. You may notice constant sarcasm, contempt, or unwarranted criticism coming from a toxic partner. You may also notice that they talk down to you, insult you behind your back, or avoid communication with you entirely when they don’t want to talk about something.

Jealousy. A little jealousy is normal from time to time, but in a toxic relationship, jealousy can lead to intense mistrust. A jealous partner might be constantly suspicious of you and the people you spend time with.

Controlling behaviors. A toxic, controlling partner might want to know where you are and where you’re going at all hours. They might also try to dictate what you can do and who you can spend time with. While this behavior may come from jealousy, it may also stem from a desire to always be in control.

Resentment. When partners hold onto grudges rather than resolve them, it creates resentment and frustration that continually builds. Unresolved resentment can damage a relationship over time, making it harder to communicate honestly and respectfully with a partner.

Dishonesty. Toxic partners may lie about anything, from what they’re doing to the people they spend time with. They may do it because they’re trying to avoid you, or they may simply not want to deal with your reaction if they tell the truth.

Patterns of disrespect. If your partner doesn’t respect your time and energy, that can be toxic behavior. This can mean standing you up, always being late, and “forgetting” important events that they promised to attend with you.

Stress. Are you always on edge or exhausted even when nothing is obviously wrong in your life? This may be a subtle signal that your relationship is unhealthy, as the strain of dealing with a toxic relationship can quietly take a toll on your physical and mental health.

Ignoring your needs. Does it feel like you have to go along with your partner’s needs, even at your own expense? With a toxic partner, it may feel like your needs always take second place. In a scenario where you might be able to compromise, your partner might somehow always end up getting their way anyway—while being totally unconcerned about what you want.

Can you fix a toxic relationship?

Yes, it’s possible to fix a toxic relationship—but both partners need to commit to and earnestly work toward it. If your partner engages in toxic behavior and refuses to change, it’s okay to end the relationship and move on to something new! Fixing a toxic relationship requires:

Accepting responsibility. In order for a toxic relationship to change, anybody engaging in toxic behavior (whether it’s your partner, you, or both of you) must reflect on their behavior, identify their unhealthy behavior, and acknowledge it. If you’re both aware of the problem, it’ll be that much easier to come up with a solution.

Willingness to change. Even if you and your partner know what problems are causing toxicity in the relationship, you both need to be willing to make significant changes! Relationships are a two-way street—so if you’re committed to finding solutions and your partner isn’t, that means the relationship may not be salvageable. On the other hand, if you both want to build a stronger relationship together, that’s a very positive sign.

Practicing healthy communication. Communication is one of the biggest parts of any relationship—so it’s important for you and your partner to be gentle with one another as you learn to communicate more respectfully. Avoid insults and criticism around one another! Furthermore, avoid blaming one another for problems; try using “I” statements that focus on your own perspective when discussing relationship issues together.

Opening up to outside help. Relationship therapists can help you and your partner identify issues and talk about them in a safe environment. They can also teach you tools to improve respect, understanding, and communication in the relationship going forward. In short, if you feel your relationship is toxic and needs to change, a relationship therapist is an incredibly valuable resource!

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