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Hours of hard work went into crafting, baking, painting, or designing a special gift--only to have the receiver respond with “What’s this?” or “This reminds you of me…how?” It can be humiliating or heart-breaking to put time, effort, and creativity into a handmade gift and not get the response you expected. Appropriately handle a lackluster reaction by graciously trying to rectify the situation, staying positive, and learning how to avoid such mishaps in the future.
Steps
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Offer a brief apology. If the person’s response stemmed from an oversight on your behalf, then it might be a good idea to apologize. For example, you prepared cookies with gluten for someone who has celiac disease, or you hand-painted a wall art canvas saying "Home is wherever I'm with you" to someone who just announced a divorce. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and, certainly, refrain from over-apologizing.
- Say, “Gee, I didn’t realize…” or “I’m sorry, I forgot about your condition.” Keep it short and sweet and change the topic. [1] X Research source
- Or, you could turn it around and say something like, “Let me make a gluten-free dessert for you next week.”
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Use humor. A healthy dose of laughter can often rescue anyone from an uncomfortable situation. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Let's say, you presented your gift to a friend only to have it tear up, break, or be completely useless. You gave it your best shot, but your skills just weren't up to par. Graciously laugh it off rather than making the receiver have to nurse your wounds. You may even be able to convince them it was a gag gift after all by following with a just-in-case present.
- You might say, "Yikes! Well, when I knitted this, I imagined it actually fitting--not simply going over only one arm...Maybe I just started a trend!" or you could follow with "Just joking! Here's your real gift...you do like scented candles, right?"
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Remind them of its usefulness. Sometimes, people aren’t receptive to gifts because they would have preferred something else. Maybe your daughter wanted the latest technology gadget for her birthday so she is underwhelmed by the carefully-knitted sweater you gave her. Or, perhaps a co-worker would have enjoyed a gift card, but you presented a more practical gift of handmade kitchenware.
- Simply because it’s not exactly what they wanted doesn’t mean that your gift is any less helpful. Try not to let their indifferent reaction make you forget that. You might say, “I know this may not be what you wanted, but I heard you say a while back how you needed these…” [3] X Research source
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Check if any modifications would increase its appeal. In some cases, the slightest tweak could turn an unsatisfactory gift into a personal item that someone cherishes forever. Find out what the person dislikes, and see if you can make the desired alterations.
- For instance, if you made a dress for your mother that resembles a tent, take new measurements in order to bring in the seam. If it fits her better, she might be pleased after all. [4] X Research source
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Recommend for them to see if anyone else wants it. If all else fails, don’t allow your hard work to go to waste. Politely suggest that the person re-gift the item to someone they think might enjoy it. That way your handmade gift finds an owner who will justly treasure it.
- ”Well, if you’re not a fan of this green scarf, feel free to re-gift it to someone else. Maybe Sarah? This green would really complement her eyes.”
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6Accept the gift back, if necessary. Don’t spend much too time trying to convince someone of the gift’s usefulness or appeal. If they refuse the gift, simply say, “Okay,” and accept it back. Move on from the situation and try not to let it bug you.
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Resist jumping to conclusions. So you presented a gift and the receiver didn't really respond how you expected them to. Before you overreact, consider that you are bound to attach more meaning to something you made yourself than to something you purchased from a store.
- It's possible the person could actually like the gift and simply not know how to express their gratitude. Or, maybe that jaw-drop symbolized them being amazed that you crafted something so perfectly "them"—not astonishment that you would give them something so horrific.
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Don’t let your pride ruin the moment. It happens to the best of us—even seemingly expert gift-givers miss the mark every now and then. In the end, you had good intentions. So, remember it’s the thought that counts. Being too frustrated with yourself places you in the category of bad gift-giver. [5] X Research source
- Getting caught up in whether someone actually likes your gift detracts from the point of giving. Don’t attach too much meaning to someone disliking the gift. Just be grateful that you were able to give. Besides, some people are just really hard to please.
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Reap the benefits of giving. Becoming distraught because the person didn’t like the gift takes away from the positive gains you get from giving. The act of gift giving is a way for humans to show appreciation and gratitude for another person. In fact, researchers have found that givers receive even more positive benefits than those who receive.
- Giving is typically a selfless act. In addition to boosting your connection with others, you feel grateful for having the ability to give and you can even start a chain of giving, in which others are inspired to follow your lead. What’s more, being generous even has a positive effect on health. Science shows us that giving can lower stress, increase immunity, and lead to a longer life. [6] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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Practice self-compassion. It can be hurtful when your efforts to express love and gratitude are rejected or turned down, and your emotions may rise. That’s perfectly normal and human. Be kind to yourself in this moment and attend to your feelings.
- Take some time alone to lick your wounds and show compassion to yourself. If you have a desire to cry, do so. If you feel slightly embarrassed, acknowledge it. Give yourself a hug, and repeat, “You are a caring, compassionate person. Even though you didn’t get the reaction you hoped for, you still did a good thing.” [7] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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1Be mindful of the possible reasons why a gift may be returned. The reason a particular gift may be returned is unique to the person receiving the gift and the circumstances. Their rejection or return of your gift could be a message they are trying to send you, or they may be acting in your best interest. Some common reasons why people decline gifts could include:
- They just do not like it.
- It didn’t fit.
- They already have a gift exactly like the one you gave.
- They feel the gift was too intimate and inappropriate and don’t share the same feelings.
- They live minimally and don’t like to collect material things.
- They feel you are trying to change their views or reform them.
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Plan a white elephant gift exchange . Are you feeling deflated because your handmade gift missed the mark this year? Why not suggest to your friends and family to host a "Yankee Swap" or "White Elephant" exchange next year? These gift-giving games are light-hearted ways to get rid of undesirable gifts in a fun and relaxed environment.
- These games involve regifting tacky or off-the-mark gifts or selecting a price range to purchase new gifts. All the gifts are placed in a pile and every attendee gets a number. The first person goes to the pile and selects a gift, and so on until everyone has a gift. The fun part is, at the end, you can choose to exchange with someone if you'd prefer their gift. This is an exciting way to go about gift-giving, without all the pressure.
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Be sensible. So you got a nifty new sewing machine and have been making clothes for everyone you know. Although you might enjoy the act itself, you can’t expect others to necessarily like what you make. A lot of personalization and creativity goes into handmade gifts, and they won’t mean the same for everyone.
- Next time around, read your loved ones to determine which people are better sports for handmade gifts. Do some people express creativity or make homemade gifts already? They may be better candidates for your heartfelt gifts than someone who generally buys everything they own from high-end boutiques or stores. [8] X Research source
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Consult with the person beforehand for guidance. Your gesture could have fallen flat because you were more intent on it being a surprise rather than seeking any involvement from the other person. When a gift requires a lot of time, energy, or money to make, get the intended receiver’s opinion to verify you’re headed in the right direction.
- For instance, you might ask the person’s favorite color, scent, or fabric to guide your designs without giving away what you’re making. Or, you might be straightforward like, “Hey, Randy, I wanted to demonstrate my pottery skills and design you a vase. Do you have any preferences on colors or shapes?” [9] X Research source
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Practice on the item a few times before gifting. As hard as it is to accept, your gift may not have been well-received because it wasn’t very well-crafted. While you may have put your best foot forward, the end result may have fallen short. If your handmade gift was one of few in the early stages of learning a craft, it may be best to hold off on gifting these items until you have increased your mastery.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it rude to refuse a gift?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).Be careful and respectful in how you make the refusal. For example, if you are gluten-free, suggest that they pass along the lovely cookies to someone else and be sure to appreciate their gesture.
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QuestionCan you take a gift back legally?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).It is usually up to the giftee to refuse a gift, not you the giver of the gift to ask for it back. There is not a legal component to this; it is more a matter of courtesy.
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QuestionHow do you deal with unwanted gifts?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).You can institute wishlists with those closest to you. This way everyone receives things they either really like or actually need. If someone gives you gifts constantly, just let them know that spending time together is gift enough.
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Tips
- Don’t get too hung up over the rejection of a handmade gift. Appreciate your own generosity, and move on!Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://bitesizedbiggie.com/how-to-respond-when-they-hate-your-gift/#
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
- ↑ http://insights.som.yale.edu/insights/study-explains-pitfalls-in-gift-giving
- ↑ http://bitesizedbiggie.com/how-to-respond-when-they-hate-your-gift/#
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201312/the-5-types-gift-givers
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/5_ways_giving_is_good_for_you
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
- ↑ http://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/the-psychology-of-holiday-gift-giving-the-good-the-bad-the-irrational/
- ↑ http://bitesizedbiggie.com/how-to-respond-when-they-hate-your-gift/#
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