If he initiates the conversation: Be open Agree to talk to him and ask open questions about what’s bothering him. “Yes, we should talk about this. Please let me know what I’ve done to upset you?” “Was there something that I said or did to upset you?” Listen to his grievance(s) Actively listen to what he is saying and repeat it back to him to validate his feelings and show you’re listening. “So you’re upset that I said I didn’t want go to to your family reunion?” “I hear you. So you’re upset that I didn’t tell you about my accident?” Offer a genuine apology Say you’re sorry for whatever it was you did or said and ask how you can make it up to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you’d be so upset by my not being there. What can I do to make it up to you?” “I apologize for what I said about your brother and I didn’t mean to upset you. How can I make it better?” Check in with him Ask him how he’s feeling toward the end of the conversation to make sure he’s not still upset with you. “How are you feeling now that we’ve talked about this?” “Are you feeling better about the situation now that I’ve apologized?” Thank him and set expectations Express gratitude for his honesty and reassure him about the future. “I really appreciate you opening up about this. Now I know to avoid saying things like that in the future.” “Thank you for your honesty and I promise to not snap at you like that in the future.” If you initiate the conversation: Ask questions If your boyfriend seems upset with you but you’re not sure, ask open questions to find out why. “I feel like you’ve been kind of short with me all day, have I done something to upset you?” “You seem frustrated, are you angry at me or is there something else that upset you?” Listen to his reply Show him that he has your full attention by looking him in the eye and/or holding his hand to foster a sense of gentleness and emotional validation. You can even repeat back to him what he has said in your own words. “Uh huh”.... “I hear you”.... “I understand”.... “So what I’m hearing is that you’re upset with me for showing up late…” Apologize Offer a genuine apology and show remorse for your actions. If you’re not genuinely sorry, state your reasons and ask for more clarification. “I’m sorry I upset you, I feel awful that I said that and I’ll think before speaking in the future.” “I can’t offer you an apology right now, because I don’t see the it the same way as you. Can you talk more about how you interpreted the situation?” Take a break If communication breaks down or turns into a heated argument, suggest that the two of you take a break to cool off and process the conversation. Use “I” statements to keep it feelings-based and avoid blaming. “I feel like we’re not communicating effectively right now. Can we take a break and return to the topic in 20 minutes or so?” “I feel like I need some time to think about this. Are you willing to take a little break to process before talking about it more?” Check in with him Whether you’ve taken a break from the conversation or have settled the issue, check in with him towards the end of the talk to make sure there are no residual feelings of sadness or agitation. “How are you feeling now that we’ve talked about this?” “Do you accept my apology and are you feeling better?” Thank him and set expectations Thank him for talking to you and express how similar issues will be handled in the future. “I really appreciate you opening up about how I upset you. Now I know to avoid doing that in the future.” “Thank you for your honesty and I promise I’ll never do that again.”