Address the issue as soon as possible Waiting to talk to your partner about it will only cause latent anger and put a strain on your relationship. Plan ahead Think through what you want to say and how you’re going to say it. Keep particular phrases in mind to communicate main ideas. Choose your words wisely to avoid hurting, blaming, or coming off as cruel. Tell yourself: I want to express that I feel my ideas are shut down most of the time. I will share my feelings and avoid saying ‘you did this’ or ‘you did that’. Schedule a time Pick a time for you and your partner to discuss the issue instead of springing it on them out of the blue. Choose a time that’s good for both of you (e.g., if you know you’re both stressed and on-edge after work, schedule to talk after you’ve both had time to unwind). Examples: “I’d like to sit down and talk about something after we’re done doing chores this afternoon.” “There’s something that’s been bugging me and think we should talk about so we’re on the same page. When is a good time for you to sit down with me to talk?” Use “I” statements Statements starting with “I feel” or “I think” are more effective than “you” statements, which can come off as accusatory. Examples: ✗ “You always have to be ‘right’ and I’m constantly ‘wrong’.” ✓ “I feel like a lot of the time I am ‘wrong’ in an argument. I get upset and give up whenever someone insists they have to be ‘right’.” ✗ “You’re such a narcissist—you always have to be ‘right’!” ✓ “I feel put down and that my needs and opinions aren’t respected when I’m always the one who is labeled ‘wrong’ in any given situation.” Stay calm Ground yourself before and during the conversation to avoid coming off as angry or frustrated (as that might bait your partner to retaliate or be defensive). Speak in a calm, compassionate tone while maintaining eye contact and exhibiting open body language. Practice active listening Instead of talking at them, give your partner a chance to share their thoughts—you might be surprised to learn how they have interpreted the situation. Examples: “Now that I’ve said my piece, do you have any thoughts on this?” “Yes, I hear what you’re saying.” Note reactions Your partner’s reactions to what you have said can indicate whether they’re willing or unwilling to work on the relationship. Listen to their tone and phrasing and note any defensive or closed body language. Supportive response from your partner: “I’m glad you brought this up. I hadn’t realized that I made you feel that way. I’m willing to work on this with you.” Oppositional response: “That’s just silly. And you are always wrong, don’t blame me just because you don’t like losing.” Find a solution Talk to your partner about what each of you can do to better the situation (and your relationship) moving forward. Examples: “Would it help if we established a safe word to stop an argument in its tracks whenever one of us is hinting that the other is wrong?” “Can we agree to point out to each other any instances when one of us feels our opinions and thoughts aren’t being valued?” Seek help If you and your partner can’t figure out a solution (and are willing to work on it), a counselor can help orchestrate healthy conflict resolution and establish compassionate communication. Examples: “I feel like we’re going in circles. Are you willing to see a counselor with me?” “I feel like we’re not communicating in a way that will lead to a solution and that we could learn a lot from seeking professional help.”