If you’re having trouble coming to terms with a breakup, you may have been blindsided by the decision and may even still want your ex back. Deep down, you know you have to respect their wishes, but that doesn’t make moving on any easier. Begging or desperately trying to seek understanding from your ex can jeopardize your sense of self-respect. Instead, grant yourself permission to mourn the relationship and find closure in your own way.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Respecting Their Decision
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Resist the temptation to beg. It may seem like a good idea to plead with your ex and convince them to stay, but begging will only make you lose respect for yourself. Plus, you don't want a love you have to beg for, right? [1] X Research source
- Instead of pleading for a reunion, make a list of all the reasons why the breakup is a good idea. For example, maybe you and your ex were growing apart or perhaps your family didn't approve of them.
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Ask basic questions only. To get closure, you may want to know why the breakup happened. It's perfectly okay to ask why your ex wants to break up, or what you should tell your mutual friends, but resist the urge to ask too many questions. [2] X Research source
- Focus on getting need-to-know information that can help you cope with the days and weeks ahead.
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Save less pressing questions for later. After a few weeks, if you still have questions, then you might reach out to your ex to resolve them. Maybe, after giving it some thought, you noticed a pattern of behavior in yourself that you'd like to change. Getting your ex's feedback could help you improve certain relationship tendencies so you won't make the same mistake in future situations. [3] X Research source
- Dont expect to get total closure from your ex though. You are the only person who can truly give you closure anyway. There may always be some unanswered questions when a relationship ends.
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Suspend your hopes for a friendship—for now. Don't try to be friends with your ex right away. Give the both of you time to heal and adjust to life as single people. [4] X Research source
- Trying to force a friendship too soon could backfire. If it's meant to happen, it will.
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Cut contact with your ex, off- and online. No contact is the way to go after a breakup. Any communication between the two of you will only delay your ability to heal. Remove your ex's contact information from your phone email and unfriend them on social media. [5] X Research source
- If you become friends in the future, it's okay to maintain contact on social media. But, for right now, try to avoid any contact at all with your ex.
- Cut contact until you feel like you have resolved your feelings for your ex, which could be anywhere from a few weeks to several months.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Letting Go of the Relationship
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Allow yourself to grieve . Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve the end of your relationship. Decide on a specific period of time to let yourself grieve. You may need a few days to a few weeks, depending on the circumstances, to get over the breakup. [6] X Research source
- It's normal to grieve after a relationship ends, so try not to judge yourself.
- Grieve however you need to. That might be through crying, yelling, curling up in bed with a sappy book or romance movie. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
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Write a letter to your ex, but don’t deliver it. Get everything off your shoulders by writing a letter to your ex. Don't mail the letter, but include everything you would like to say as though they could read it themselves. [7] X Research source
- You might write about how surprised, humiliated, or even relieved you felt about the breakup. Let all of your thoughts and feelings come out.
- You don't need to mail the letter because this exercise is meant to give you closure, not your ex. You simply need to be open about what you're thinking and feeling.
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Pack or throw away mementos. Get rid of all the things that remind you of the relationship. Create piles for trash, donation, or to box up for storage. Getting relationship reminders out of sight can help you to move on. [8] X Research source
- If you have items that your ex may want back, figure out the best way to return them without making yourself too upset. This may mean mailing a box to their address or asking a friend to deliver it.
- If you need support while doing this, ask a friend or family member to help.
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Lift your spirits by indulging yourself for a period of time. Release the pain of your breakup by pampering yourself. Go to the salon and get your hair or nails done, visit the spa, or buy yourself a fancy new outfit or a box of your favorite chocolates. [9] X Research source
- Doing something special for yourself will make you feel better and more hopeful about the future.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Improving Your Outlook
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Set strong boundaries with your ex. Your ex may try to come back into your life when they need attention or intimacy. Verbalize to your ex that “over means over” and refuse to allow the person to drop in and out of your life. [10] X Research source
- Turn down the offer if they ask you to hang out one-on-one or have sex.
- This also means communicating your boundaries when the person expects you to drop everything to see them or interferes with your other relationships.
- Try to discontinue any joint activities that the two of you may have shared. Your ex may think that you two can continue some of these even though you have broken up. You will need to choose to discontinue them, or find new outlets away from your ex.
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Date yourself for a while. If you've been in a relationship for an extended period of time, you may have been neglecting your self-care. Use your new single status to make yourself number one. [11] X Research source
- Do all of the things that you've always wanted to do but never did in your relationship. Take yourself out to new and interesting restaurants, browse around art galleries, and attend concerts.
- On your self-dates, be sure to look your very best just as you would on a regular date. Get a new haircut or try out a new signature scent.
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Spend time with people who build you up. Your self-esteem can take a hit after a breakup. Remind yourself how worthy you are by surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people. [12] X Research source
- If you lack a strong support system, try joining a new club or organization in your area.
- You could also try to rekindle and rebuild relationships that you may have neglected while you were with your ex.
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Try something new. Think of one small way to challenge yourself and do it. Taking even a minor risk can make you feel empowered. [13] X Research source
- Take self-defense, sign up for a cooking class, complete a certification for your job, or wear brighter colors in your everyday wardrobe. Switching things up can make you feel brand new.
- You could also try journaling. This can be a valuable outlet for your feelings.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201403/6-reasons-you-shouldnt-still-be-friends
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-move-on-after-breakup-1208165
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201502/after-the-break-when-moving-seems-impossible
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure-broken-relationships
- ↑ http://www.refinery29.com/never-liked-it-anyway-breakup-advice
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-back-out-there-following-end-of-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-move-on-after-breakup-1208165
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-back-out-there-following-end-of-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-move-on-after-breakup-1208165
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/26/stepping-outside-your-comfort-zone_n_5872638.html
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