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Playing the gracious host or hostess gets old quick when you have invited house guests who begin to outstay their welcome by days and days. Hopefully it's an unfortunate mistake on their part, and a kind reminder will have them out the door. But some guests can never seem to take a hint. Knowing how to handle the invitee who begins to treat your house as hotel is the most valuable skill in a hostess' repertoire.
Steps
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Make time a part of the invitation. Prevention is the key. Present a clear and obvious start and finish date/time for their stay—whether it's a dinner party or an overnight guest. If anything, this allows you to save face if it comes down to showing them the door.
- Get it in writing. If an appropriately formal event, consider invitations in print with an end time to really make it known.
- Mention how the time has passed, or how close it is to the end of their stay. A sympathetic "I can't believe the weekend's almost over" or "What a shame you're leaving tomorrow" is a sly way to remind them of when it's time to go. [1] X Research source
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Have a schedule. Particularly if your house guest has come for a vacation, have a rough itinerary of what you'd like to do together, with at least one thing being the last thing you do. Whether you save the best for last, or just want to relax on the final day, having activities as sign-posts for your guest's stay is a convenient way of reminding them when their stay is up.
- If hosting a party and you weren't able to establish it beforehand, a short "I think this might be it for me" from the hostess will have guests understanding that the current activity is the last.
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Never forget your "me" time. No matter how long your guest is staying (but especially if it's on the long side), always leave time for you to relax alone in your own home. Let your guest know ahead of time just when this will be so there's no confusion. Make them aware of when you usually go to bed and get up, so that they can avoid interrupting your sleep.
- Also consider making it clear which parts of your house your guest can wander in. It's awkward and unnerving to find your guest in your bathroom when you never thought to clean it.
- If desperate, think about buying your guest tickets to event, or any other outing. Try being honest and suggest you need the house to yourself, even if only for a bit.
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Don't let being a good host make you uncomfortable. As a rule, only be a bad host if you've got a bad guest. But whether it's first thing in the morning or right before bed, you might not always feel like playing maid and concierge. Be firm when trying to get this point across to your guest: you have no intention of lowering your standard of living on their behalf.
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Suggest an outing. Offer your guest(s) a trip to the mall, or simply a walk around the neighborhood. Make the suggestion as "one last thing before you go." Getting the guest out of the house is the biggest step, and afterwards you can simply show them to their car (or have a taxi waiting) rather than inviting them back inside.
- If hosting a party, try not to leave anyone behind. The idea is not for some to leave and for one or two to stay behind and raid your pantry.
- Make sure everyone has their things. If the plan is to have the trip out be out for good, don't allow any excuse to get back inside.
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Do something boring. Here's where the tactics begin to lose some subtlety. Consider switching from video games to a roaring game of pick-up sticks; or from chatting over drinks to helping you wash your cat. Plenty of guests will opt for the door over something they'd rather not do.
- While this is a tactic better suited to partygoers, the house guest who's stayed a day or two over will think more fondly of home or a hotel if they're no longer being entertained.
- Make sure the door is always an option—don't suggest an alternative with such zeal that guests feel obligated to participate. [2] X Research source
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Use body language—gently. Look busy, or agitated. If it's the last day of a house guest's stay, act like it. Gather your guest's things and move the conversation from the living room to the doorway.
- Consider making their bed or re-fashioning their room as it was before they arrived.
- Try being appropriately unavailable as the end of their stay approaches; start working or doing things around the house. [3] X Research source
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Fake having to leave. [4] X Expert Source Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020. How subtle you choose to be is at your discretion; it could be anything from "I've got to run" to "My grandmother is in the hospital." Only the worst guest would consider staying in someone's home during a family emergency. Alternatively, you could pretend another guest is coming to take their place. You could also say you made last minute plans to go on a trip or you need to paint the house. [5] X Expert Source Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.- Careful getting caught in a lie—if you can actually manage to have somewhere to be, all the better. But if you say your grandmother's in the hospital, be sure your grandmother is aware, and that your guest doesn't work in the emergency room.
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Tell a "bad house guest" story. This is a not-so-subtle way of letting your guest(s) know the limits. Consider doing so before the guest overstays their welcome, so they know their boundaries in advance. If they persist, offer a sly "you're being a little like [bad guest] right now" to really drive the point home.
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Use a friend. If able, have a friendly guest scoot the impolite guest towards the door. Invite a good friend over the day the house guest is meant to leave, and have them leave simultaneously. Have her repeat your hints about the time, or about how "we really should get going," etc. It always helps to have an example of a good guest to show the bad guest just what they're doing.
- If you're especially worried about an overstay-er for a party, get a friend to give them a ride. This way, when the friend knows its time to leave, the overstay-er has no choice but to leave with them.
- Know that the friend has to leave as well. Don't recruit someone else to show a bad guest the door (unless they're just that bad ) and try to keep them around—booting the overstay-er will usually be an all-or-nothing affair.
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Find a new place. For overnight guests who test your hospitality, suggest they visit a hotel instead. If it's a guest to a party, and is someone who just insists the party never stop, offer an alternative venue where the party doesn't have to stop. Suggest a bar or a dessert place to end their night.
- Be careful not to become responsible. Play the host who, unfortunately, cannot host any longer, but don't apologize for setting limits. Don't pay the cab fare (unless you're desperate), don't buy the hotel room, just be direct and get them elsewhere.
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Offer to get their stuff together. The final act of a kind host is to see that their guest makes it comfortably out the door. To assure your guest that time has come, gather their things and put them by the door. Ask them questions about their leaving on the day of, or things such as "Are you sure you left nothing behind?" These are just more unambiguous signs that their stay is over.
- For party guests, offer them a last drink or piece of dessert. If the latter, suggest they take some home with them—and meet them at the door with the bag.
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Give them chores. If a guest has truly overstayed their welcome, let them know they ought to start pitching in around the house. Have them pick up after themselves, and suggest they do a fair share of the dishes and the tidying up. At worst you've a new helper around the house. However, most house guests would be reaching for reasons to leave once doing dishes entered the itinerary. [6] X Research source
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Ignore your guest(s). Stop being social, and give them as cold a shoulder as you can. This is definitely a last resort, as it meets rudeness with rudeness, but some guests are so dense as to never take a hint. When your guest begins to feel more like the cable guy and less an invited guest, the door will be all the more appealing.
- Don't leave them happy, though. Plenty of terrible guests would be thrilled to sit watching your big TV in silence. Act as though the TV is "out of order," and tell them that they're on their own for dinner. Stop being a host, and start being a roommate.
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Do something they don't like. Forget boring, if you know your overstaying guest well enough, do whatever bugs them. Play obnoxious music, insist on reciting Elizabethan poetry, keep the channel locked on C-SPAN—whatever you have to do. House guests who overstay do so because, for whatever effort it would take to leave, they'd rather stay where they are. Turn that reasoning on its head, and your guest will be out the door in moments. [7] X Research source
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Entertain someone else. If you haven't a good friend there to move your guest to the door, invite one over. Then, pay exclusive attention to them. Make the overstay-er feel as though they're intruding on an intimate meeting of good friends. This, hopefully, will reveal the guest's impoliteness more clearly and have them apologizing all the way to the door.
- For guests who stay several nights, pretend this good friend has come to take the room they had been using. Make this appear to be a long-standing invitation, so the overstay-er has no choice but to find new room and board.
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Tell them to leave. This is the ultimate last resort, and there's not much to it. For the guest for whom none of the above had any effect, there is nothing else to do than to tell them, directly: "You need to leave." By this point, don't ask them to leave—tell them. Do as bars do: shut off the lights, hang up the chairs. Make it unthinkable to stay any longer. [8] X Research source
- Depending on your relationship with the person, you could use some self-deprecating humor to soften the blow, like “Honestly, I have to keep up with my cleaning schedule while you’re here and I’m getting lazier every day!”
- Reader Poll: We asked 363 wikiHow readers who’ve had to kick someone out, and 52% felt that you should evaluate the situation and the person before using humor to ease the tension. [Take Poll]
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you handle guests who stay too long?Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.I suggest you tell them you have some cleaning to do around the house and you don't want to make them uncomfortable. You could also tell them you booked a last-minute trip and need them to leave early.
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QuestionHow can I get my husband's family to come for a shorter visit than they planned?Community AnswerTell them you have plans for one of the last days they will be there: "Oh, I didn't realize you had planned to stay so long. I'm sorry that won't work out. We have plans that day."
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QuestionMy house guests left when I left for a weekend trip. When I arrived back home, these house guests had returned and moved into my house. They refuse to leave, and have nailed the kitchen door shut and broken the garage door. What can I do?Community AnswerIf you haven't already spoken to them directly, tell them that if they do not leave you will be forced to call the police. Do this with a friend for support. Once they're out, change the locks and be done with it.
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Tips
- Make it obvious what food/drink is for the guest, and which is for your home and family.Thanks
- Keep a gracious attitude as long as possible. Even guests who overstay their welcome should have a positive memory of the gathering.Thanks
- If possible, know your problem guests ahead of time.Thanks
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Warnings
- For parties, know how alcohol might affect your guest's ability to leave.Thanks
- Be prepared for some hurt feelings if it comes down to showing someone the door.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/relationships/etiquette-manners/how-to-deal-with-annoying-house-guests?page=1 with https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/advocacy/encouragement-education/formal-communications/main
- ↑ http://www.themorningnews.org/article/dont-be-rude-when-guests-outstay-their-welcome
- ↑ http://lifehacker.com/5920945/how-to-get-rid-of-people-whove-overstayed-their-welcome
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/money/how_to_250/278_how_to.html
- ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/10514209/10-ways-to-get-rid-of-overstaying-guests-this-Christmas.html
- ↑ http://theweek.com/articles/575369/how-dinner-guests-hell-house-without-being-rude
About This Article
Article Summary
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To handle house guests that stay too long, give them subtle signs that their stay is over, but don't be afraid to directly tell them if they take no notice. You could try appearing busy or agitated, which will suggest to them that you have other things to be doing and it's time to go. Suggesting they go out somewhere, such as to the mall, is another good approach, since when you get them out of the house you can show them to their car and bring their stuff. Alternatively, come up with a reason for you to leave, like a work trip or a family emergency, since most guests will go if you’re not there. If none of these tactics work, simply tell them directly that they have to leave. For tips on how to get friends to help you encourage a guest to leave, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "It's good to see this is not a unique situation. Advice: Use caution with social media. A good intentioned invitation to come visit could be misconstrued as an open invitation for support if the wording is vague." ..." more
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