Q&A for How to Deal With a Rude Family Member

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  • Question
    How do I deal with my jealous in-laws?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Establish a connection with them so you can start to build your own relationship with them. You might say, "I'm not sure if we got off on the right foot or not, but I'd love to have a closer relationship with you. Let's grab lunch sometime—just the two of us." You could also say "I know there might be some tension between us. Is there anything I can do that would help you feel more comfortable?"
  • Question
    How do I act when my husband does something wrong over and over, and when I say something, he gets defensive? He will call me names and tells me to leave our home.
    Community Answer
    Stand up for yourself. Tell him that his behavior is not okay, and that he can't talk to you like that. Consider going to couple's counseling so you can talk through these issues. If that doesn't work, or if he refuses to go to counseling, you should consider leaving him.
  • Question
    My nieces and nephews are rude to me, poking fun at me, cursing at me, etc. My sister does nothing about it, even if I ask her. Would it be okay to not attend Christmas?
    Community Answer
    Have a polite and private conversation with your sister explaining your position. Let her know what happens and ask for her help. Tell her that you will attend one more family event as a trial. If things don't go well, then you will not be back. Warn her once, that is all the respect you need to show.
  • Question
    What do I do if my step sister cannot be nice? It has been addressed before but she has continued it until I reached a point where I blew up. She called me rude and this ended up with my dad (my dad married her mother) telling me all these things that really hurt me.
    Community Answer
    Defend yourself! Tell your father what actually happened and don't be afraid. If she continues the rude behavior, tell another adult you trust (no matter how corny it sounds). You must not let this get away from reality or your dad will get all defensive on behalf of the child of the woman he married and that is just plain wrong.
  • Question
    What do I do if I have an older teenage brother who hurts me physically every day?
    Community Answer
    Tell your parents. Do not suffer in silence. Tell your parents or parent or adult guardian. If they won't listen, call the police.
  • Question
    What should I do when my aunts gossip about me and my mom?
    Community Answer
    Try to confront her in a way that won't seem rude, or tell your parents what you saw or heard and let them decide whether or not they want to do something about this. Also, you could simply be the bigger person and ignore it.
  • Question
    What about when a family member constantly sends me annoying emails?
    Community Answer
    Are they annoying or rude? Annoying: Report their email to Google, Yahoo or Apple. This can allow you to block their email. Rude: Report to the police or to parents, or both.
  • Question
    How can I avoid them if they follow me?
    Community Answer
    Don't acknowledge that they're there, just play on your smartphone or pretend to be talking to someone on the phone. Rude people want the satisfaction of knowing they hurt you, or got under your skin. If you ignore them, they'll leave or give up.
  • Question
    What do I do if my cousin's new wife is nasty to me, but my mom does nothing about it? I'm 17 and she's in her 40's.
    Community Answer
    You may just have to accept it and try to ignore her. Most of us have one or two people in the family we just avoid because we don't get along with them. It is a little ridiculous she's behaving that way towards a teenager, but you should just be the better person. Now if she is really harassing you or something, that might be a different story and you should tell another family member if your mom won't listen to you.
  • Question
    What if your grandfather and father both like to tease you sometimes?
    Community Answer
    Teasing is a way many males show love. It's a way to show you attention without exposing their own emotions. It can be annoying and sometimes they may cross lines and hurt you or make you mad. You can just tell them when they've hurt your feelings and they'll back off because they love you.
  • Question
    What do I do if my older sister hits me when she is really mad at me?
    Community Answer
    This is unacceptable. Tell your parents about this and ask them to talk to her.
  • Question
    What should I do when a family member accepts my invitation to dinner, but never shows up, despite having committed to bring food with them, and offers no explanation or excuse?
    Community Answer
    Contact them and say something like "Hello. I hope you are well. Missed you at dinner. What happened?" Be direct, but non-confrontational, and strive for a civil tone—after all, you don't know why they were absent.
  • Question
    What do I do if my family members hate me for succeeding in life?
    Community Answer
    People who don't want others to succeed usually have very low self-esteem or secretly feel like a failure. You can tell that someone is insecure if they frequently boast about their accomplishments or make snide comments when your life is going well. It is very hard to change this type of person, so you may have to learn to value their opinion less. What they say or think doesn't change your success. If possible, cultivate relationships with other people who do not feel threatened when they see others succeeding. If you look on your petty family members with pity instead of seeking their approval, their comments may hurt a little less.
  • Question
    What if my younger brother does not share his things with me?
    Community Answer
    While it may seem rude, he does not have to. They are his things. Similarly, you don't have to share your things with him.
  • Question
    How do I deal with an overly possessive sibling?
    Community Answer
    Is the sibling possessive of objects or of you? If by possessive you mean your sibling won't share items, you can stop sharing your belongings with them. Draw a line to make sure the give and take between you is fair. If your sibling tries to take things by force, tell your parents. If your parents won't help, tell a teacher at school or other adult you trust. If your sibling is possessive of you, report it to a responsible adult, because this kind of mentality can be dangerous.
  • Question
    Should I confront my abusive family or forgive them and let go?
    Community Answer
    Confronting an abusive person usually leads to more abuse because they feel threatened when you criticize their behavior. If you feel able to forgive and can move on to a better life, that is probably the better option for your own sake. An abuser's actions only reflect badly on their character. Choosing to survive and live with dignity means you have won.
  • Question
    How do I deal with a parent that's a tyrant?
    Community Answer
    An overly controlling parent is usually someone who is fearful or has very low self-esteem. This may not be obvious because they will act the opposite to hide their true self. A parent may try to control you to alleviate their own fears about other things they cannot control or to feel powerful when others make them feel powerless. If you love your parent, you can try to be patient with their weaknesses (tyranny is a weakness), as long as they are not abusive. If your parent tries to control you by hitting, grabbing, throwing things at you, putting you down, and calling you names, seek help immediately from another adult or the police.
  • Question
    What do I do if I have a family member that disrespects my entire family?
    Community Answer
    Ignore them. That is the best way to handle rude people. As they always seek attention, ignoring them lets them understand that you and your entire family doesn't give care for their rude behaviour. Before doing so, you can try to talk to them and be clear about the situation. If they don't understand, the advice given above works like a medicine for them.
  • Question
    What do I do if my husband is intolerant of my family, as well as everyone else, and is very rude in social situations?
    Community Answer
    Take him aside and talk to him about it. Speak from an “I” perspective and let him know how you feel. He may have been brought up in a tough environment or may be insecure with himself and his achievements and is likely just projecting his insecurities out on people. However, let him know that his own issues don’t excuse him to be rude to other family members. Be prepared, though, because, he may last out and make you feel like you’re the issue. Don’t let that occur. Just try and enjoy with other family members that will take you seriously and will respect you.
  • Question
    What do I do if my step parent makes mean comments about my sibling?
    Community Answer
    Talk to your step parent about how that makes you feel. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements to make sure you’re not coming off accusatory but you’re expressing how you feel. You can say something like, “I don’t appreciate the comments being made about my sibling. Please stop.” If the step parent has a temper though, things could escalate. However, people tend to make nasty comments about someone else because of their own issues. Let your sibling know that what the step parent is saying about your sibling is a reflection of the step parent, not the sibling.
  • Question
    How can I manage a rude in law?
    Community Answer
    With great thought. If they are rude to you about you, then stand up to them and tell them that their comments are unacceptable and to change the way they are speaking to you. If they can't be civil and polite to you (especially if they are in your home) then they don't get to come over, or you don't go there. Maybe ask you partner to talk with them first, and if that does not help, always feel okay to stand up for yourself because nobody else will do it for you.
  • Question
    I have a distant relative who is a guest at my house and always misbehaves with me, my family members, and the family property. What can I do?
    Community Answer
    Your house, your rules. Talk to them about the situations that occurred, and politely explain you will not tolerate that behaviour again. If they have a problem with your rules, they do not need to by at your house. You don't have to host trouble-makers. If it is a child, it is good to talk to their parents about their behaviour. Find a way how to discipline the child, talk to the parents how they solve similar issues.
  • Question
    I have a brother who is always making snide comments about my smoking to me and in front of others while I am there. How do I handle this situation?
    Community Answer
    When family members make rude or invasive comments, especially in front of others, it is because of their own in securities or inner doubts( most likely unless they are socially stupid/awkward and think they are being funny.) Talk to him first, but if you feel uncomfortable or he doesn’t listen, talk to someone you trust, like your parents. If he is doing this to be mean, that is terrible and not classy or funny. Ask him what his intentions are, and tell him if there is something he should do about it to in order to release his loud mouth elsewhere or on different topics. Your brother loves you, so help him understand and forgive.
  • Question
    What do I do when my older sister is being disrespectful?
    Community Answer
    Ignore her, or, speak up. If she is constantly rude towards you and you're comfortable enough, tell a parent. It doesn't have to be a full-on, corny conversation, just let them know.
  • Question
    How do you deal with family that never calls to say "hello"?
    Community Answer
    You call them instead! Maybe they're uncomfortable calling and think you wouldn't want to speak with them.
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