11 Tips on What to Say and Do When Someone Breaks Up with You

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An expert guide on how to handle a breakup
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Breakups are difficult, and if you suspect your current partner is about to end things (or you’ve just left the conversation where they did), it can be hard to know exactly what to say or do in response. While you may feel the urge to lash out, taking the high road is generally a good idea. It might sting right now, but there are plenty of things you can do to get you through this hard time and start moving on. We spoke with Licensed Mental Health Counselor Laura Richer to bring you the best advice on how to handle a breakup as maturely as possible.

What to Say When Someone Breaks Up with You

Stay calm and say something like, “I wish we could work things out, but I respect your decision. I’m thankful for our time together.” Ask them any questions you have, like, “What do you think went wrong?” or “Is there anything we could have done differently?”

1

Stay calm.

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    Everything will be okay in the end, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. In the moment, do your best to relax and keep a cool, level head. Take a long, deep breath, hold it for a moment, and exhale slowly. You’re going to get through this. [1]
    • It may help to repeat a positive phrase over and over again. Something like, “It’s going to be okay,” or, “This is going to pass.” That might help you relax in the moment—even if you only say it in your head.
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2

Curb your initial reaction.

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    You’re going to have a lot of emotions swarming you all at once. Richer says, “Maybe [you’re] surprised or [you’re] feeling rejected or hurt or angry…and it may be important to communicate that to the person who's breaking up with you, but try to do it in an effective way.” [2] If you feel like you’re about to act out, take a second. You don’t need to do anything right now. You may be tempted to respond immediately, but it’s best if you keep your initial response as minimal as possible. [3]
    • You can simply tell your ex, “Hold on, please, I need a moment,” or, “Give me a second, this a lot, and I just need to think real quick.”
    • If you do need to just get up and leave during a breakup conversation, you can. They’re breaking up with you, and you don’t necessarily owe them anything. However, you may have questions or things you need to say. If you leave and you don’t get to say what you need to say, you may end up regretting it.
3

Collect your thoughts before you respond.

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    You don’t have control over what your ex-partner is doing right now, but you do have control over what you say. “[Try] to stay away from blaming or shaming the person who wants to end the relationship, which is really hard when people are feeling rejected and angry,” Richer cautions. [4] When you’re ready, share what you need to say. If you aren’t ready, that’s totally okay, too.
    • You might say, “This is coming to me as a total shock, and I’m really not sure why you’re doing this. I feel like you could at least explain your reasoning here.”
    • You could even say, “I’m exceptionally upset right now. I thought things were going really well with us. What went wrong?”
    • Alternatively, you could play it cooler with something like, “I had a suspicion something like this might happen. I understand, and I’m sure this is for the best.”
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4

Ask questions if you have them.

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    If there are unresolved questions surrounding your relationship, or you want to know more about why they’re breaking up with you, ask. Some people prefer not knowing—and that’s fine if that’s how you feel—but if the curiosity is going to keep you up at night, go ahead and ask. Richer suggests, “Another way that you can respond is to try to better understand what is happening. If it feels like a surprise to you, maybe you weren't aware that the relationship had issues because your partner wasn't communicating with you. See if there's an opportunity to communicate about what the underlying issues are.” [5] Don't expect them to change their mind, but see if you can understand where they're coming from.
    • You could ask the standard questions like, “Did you meet somebody else?” and, “Why are you breaking up with me?”
    • Asking, “Is there something I did?” is totally okay, but keep in mind that it opens the door for them to take the blame off of themselves. Don’t let them! They’re breaking up with you—you didn’t do this to yourself.
    • Other common questions might include, “What went wrong?” or, “What do you think we could have done differently?”
    • This may also be a good time to make plans to get your belongings or discuss the living situation if you share a home.
5

Say what you need to say.

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    Just do your best not to start hurling insults or lashing out. It might temporarily make you feel better, but it accomplishes nothing. [6] Keep your chin up and try to keep a cool and level head as you share your truth, Richer suggests. [7] If you do want to say something negative, try to be respectful about it. The high road is the best option in this case. The good news is that anger is one of the stages you go through when grieving a relationship, so the feeling can be a positive sign you’re starting to come to terms with the breakup. [8]
    • You could tell them, “I’ll always cherish the time we had, and I’m happy to have had you in my life,” or, “I’m going to need some time, but I hope eventually we can be friends.”
    • You may say, “I’m thankful for all of the time we spent together, and while I wish you weren’t breaking up with me, I’m sure I’ll come out stronger on the other side.”
    • You might also say, “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I think you’re being really unfair, and the fact that you never tried to address this problem before breaking up with me feels immature.”
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6

Respect their decision.

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    This might sound harsh, but if you did convince them to stay with you, would you want to be in a relationship where you know they wanted to break up but didn’t? “If somebody wants to end a relationship with you, you just really want to respect that, even though it’s painful,” Richer says. [9] Maintain your dignity, and don’t beg or plead. That sounds like tough advice, but you’re not going to get anything out of asking them not to break up with you.
    • It’s understandable that you have an impulse to get defensive and try to compromise over this. But unfortunately, no good can come from it. If they agree, you’re in a relationship where you know the other person wants to break up, and if they don’t agree, then you may just feel worse about yourself for trying to talk your way out of it.
7

Take a minute to craft a measured response to a text.

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    The temptation to respond to a breakup text with an off-the-cuff comment is going to be strong, but you have all the time in the world. Cool off for as long as you need and collect yourself. Once you’ve assessed how you want to respond, craft your message. It’s generally going to be best to respond in a measured way, even if they’ve chosen a particularly immature way to break up with you. [10]
    • If you want to talk about it, you can say, “This isn’t a conversation for text. If you want to break up, fine. Let’s talk about it.”
    • If you want to be graceful, you might say, “I understand. I appreciate you being straightforward with what you want. I enjoyed our time together,” or, “I don’t love that you chose to do this over text, but I get it. I’ll look back fondly on our relationship.”
    • If they’re being especially cruel, just hit them with “K,” or, “Alright, when can I come to get my stuff from your apartment?” If they’re going to act like a child, just don’t engage; they’ll feel way worse about this later on.
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8

Go “no contact” after you break up.

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    It will almost always be more productive if you implement a “no contact” policy . Now is the time to focus on yourself, and going back to your ex is going to conjure up all kinds of false security and confusing feelings. Block them on social media, delete your old texts to avoid ruminating over them, and take your time to process your feelings. [11]
    • If you want to revisit what happened to your relationship, ask questions, or try to be friends again, that’s fine. But you should likely think about doing that months (or even years) from now. [12] For now, just focus on yourself .
    • There are no hard and fast rules here. If you’re emotionally ready to reach out after a month, go for it. If you still aren’t ready a year later, don’t worry about it. And if you’re never ready to be friends, that’s okay, too.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 692 wikiHow readers, and 50% of them agreed that the best way to handle social media after a breakup is by taking a break for a couple of weeks . [Take Poll]
9

Surround yourself with people you love.

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    You can talk to your friends about what you’re going through or simply say, “I could really use a friend right now, can we hang out?” Hang out with supportive friends and family while you’re getting over the breakup and working through your loss. It may feel like the last thing you want to do right now, but you’ll feel much better if you’re around people who help you relax, laugh, and enjoy yourself. [13]
    • If you want to talk to them about what you’re going through, do it! There’s nothing wrong with using a friend or family member as a platform to talk about what you’re feeling.
    • If going out and dating again is going to make you feel better, go for it! It may not be the best time to jump into anything serious, but it’s perfectly okay to go see other people. [14]
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Friends are one of life's great constants. "Friends provide community and continuity in an ever changing world. They’re often the witnesses of our lives that accompany us when lovers come and go, but the friends are there to stay."

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10

Accept your feelings as they develop.

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    You might be seething with anger, or you may feel totally helpless. Maybe you’re mourning, or maybe you’re simply confused. A breakup can be a traumatic and upsetting event, and it’s totally normal to feel like your head and heart are spinning out of control. [15] Regardless, it’s important to recognize that whatever you feel is valid, and there’s nothing wrong with you for experiencing this one way or another.
    • It’s essential that you understand that just because someone is breaking up with you does not mean that you did anything wrong. You may have a temptation to blame yourself here, but remember that they’re breaking up with you—not the other way around, so try not to take it too personally.
    • If you need to cry, feel free to cry. Just avoid lashing out by breaking anything or getting physical. It may not feel like it right now, but things will get better eventually, so don't do anything that may put you in harm’s way or get you in trouble.
11

Move on and keep your head up.

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    Heartbreak is hard, and things may be unpleasant now but you can get past this. [16] Do your best to exercise and get enough sleep. Try to pursue things you enjoy and find productive ways to occupy your time. Remember, you are valid and loved, and while things may seem hard right now, they will absolutely get better in the future. [17]
    • If you need to talk to someone, there’s no shame in going to see a counselor or therapist.
    • Alcohol or drugs may temporarily mask whatever you’re feeling, but you’re just going to wake up feeling worse than you did the day before. Find healthy, productive ways to cope with what you’re experiencing.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you deal with a breakup when you still love them?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Focus on taking responsibility for your own feelings. It perfectly valid to feel a lot of different things in the moment, whether that's rejection, hurt, or anger. Still, it's important to own those feelings instead of blaming or shaming the person who's ending the relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How can you reverse a breakup?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    See if your ex is willing to work on and repair some of the issues that were hurting your relationship. Couples therapy could be a great way for you both to have structured conversations about some difficult issues.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 2 Helpful 3
  • Question
    How do you know if it's right to end a relationship?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Ultimately, you should be in a relationship with someone who respects you and wants to be with you. If that connection isn't there, it's okay to let go, process the grief, and move forward.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Tips

      • Avoid “checking in” on them on social media. You’re just going to feel worse, and no good will come from it. Either delete your accounts (at least for a while) or block them so you don’t see their posts. [18]
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      • Don’t try to make them feel better about breaking up with you. You will be busy processing your feelings so you can feel better after the breakup . Taking on emotional labor on their behalf can be exhausting, and you need to have the energy to take care of yourself. [19]
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      • Throwing a tantrum on social media about how bad of a person your ex is might feel good in the moment, but you’re more likely to regret it later on.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.uofmhealth.org/health-library/uz2209
      2. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/stress-situations.html
      4. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      5. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      6. ↑ https://time.com/5406794/how-to-break-up-with-someone/
      7. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup .
      9. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      1. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
      3. ↑ https://time.com/5406794/how-to-break-up-with-someone/
      4. ↑ https://www.colorado.edu/health/blog/breakup-tips
      5. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190924-the-benefits-of-rebounding-after-a-break-up
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      7. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak
      8. ↑ https://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/1/3/13938008/breakup-strategies-research
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202210/6-tips-stop-checking-ex-s-social-media
      10. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_emotional_labor_and_why_does_it_matter

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