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These days, aggressive behavior seems out of control. It's not uncommon to see people fighting, in homes, at sporting events, on public transportation, in school, or even at the work place. Intervening in a physical or verbal fight can be dangerous, but sometimes it is the right thing to do. There are several strategies you can try to de-escalate these types of situations.
Steps
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Stay calm. If two other people are starting to fight, you should try to diffuse the tension by appearing relaxed. [1] X Research source
- Use a soothing tone of voice, nonthreatening body language (for example, keep your hands raised in front of your chest), and slow movements.
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Assess the situation quickly. Fights move quickly so you won't have a lot of time. You need to determine how serious the situation is, if you are in danger, whether you need to call for help, and what strategies might work best to stop the fight in this particular situation.
- Try to determine whether anyone has a weapon or is likely to reach for an object to use as a weapon (for example, a bottle in a bar fight). If so, call the police and do not intervene. Try to move other onlookers, especially children, to safety.
- Notice whether the fighters have "back up," often in the form of onlookers who are egging on the fighters. Gang fights and similar situations are unpredictable and you should not try to intervene.
- Look around for any large objects that you can push between the fighters, like trash cans, desks, or anything else that is big but possible for you to quickly move into place.
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Call the police. If either fighter has a weapon of any kind, call the police and do not try to intervene. You should also call the police if you are physically unable to restrain a fighter or fear that your safety would be in jeopardy if you intervened.
- Unless a police officer happens to be in the vicinity, it may be too late by the time they arrive. If it is safe to do so, try to break up the fight yourself while you wait for them to arrive.
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Get help from another onlooker. If there is anyone else within hearing range, get them to help you break up the fight before attempting to do it yourself. In situations like this, onlookers don't generally stop to help unless you tell them specifically. So instead of yelling "Someone help me!" look someone in the eye and say "Help me stop the fight!" [2] X Research source
- If possible, choose someone who is larger than the fighters and looks strong and athletic. But in a pinch, any able-bodied adult will do!
- Don't leave the scene of a fight to get help unless you have to, especially if the fighters are juveniles. If you're at school or in another setting where there are no adults present, you can always send a kid to get another adult.
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Get between the fighters. This recommendation is only for situations in which both fighters are unarmed and the fight has not escalated to full-on blows. Be aware getting between two fighters is a risky choice, and you may be injured. You should also know that in many schools, it is illegal for teachers to touch students, even to intervene in a fight.
- When two people are gearing up for a fight, they tend to confront each other with their chests puffed and their shoulders back, staring directly into each other's eyes. Put your body between them during this stage, and you can help break the invisible tension between them.
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Face the antagonist. If one of the two fighters is "picking a fight" or purposely antagonizing the other, this is the person you should attempt to redirect and calm. Use a soothing voice and try to reason with the person. [3] X Research source
- Most people do not want to fight, but fear looking weak if they back down. For that reason, it's your job to give the antagonist an "out" or a reason to not fight the other person without losing face.
- If you know the person, use his or her name, and try phrases that will resonate like, "What about your kids?" or "Do you want to go back to jail?" If you do not know him or her, try soothing phrases like, "It's OK, calm down," or "Think about what you're doing; do you really want to face the consequences of a fight?" [4] X Research source
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Restrain an active fighter. This can be very difficult unless you have had training in self-defense or martial arts of some kind, or if you are out of shape or smaller than the attacker. It can also be risky, as you might get injured or be accused of hurting someone. However, there are times when you must intervene to stop someone from hurting someone else.
- Get behind the attacker and use a half-nelson grip to take her down. [5] X Research source A half-nelson is a wrestling technique designed to take an opponent to the ground. To execute this move, pass your dominant arm under the attacker's arm on the same side (that is, your right arm under her right arm, or your left under her left). Reach your arm up over her back and grip her neck. [6] X Research source Pin her other arm using your free arm.
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Recognize situations in which fights are likely to occur. You can avoid an altercation altogether by recognizing the types of situations that often lead to tense and violent interaction. These often include:
- Events where people are drinking too much alcohol. Avoid bars and nightclubs late at night, especially establishments that tend to get rowdy. Leave if you sense that other people are becoming agitated. [7] X Research source
- Road-rage related fights. Be courteous while driving and follow posted signs. If someone tries to confront you, avoid eye contact and drive to the nearest police station. [8] X Research source
- On a school playground. Tell your parents, a teacher, or counselor if someone is threatening to hurt you or if you fear for your safety at school. If they do not do anything to help, tell someone else until you get help. If no one will help you, call the police.
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Try to get away. Rather than engaging with a person who wants to fight you, try to walk or run away from them to avoid a fight. [9] X Expert Source Dany Zelig
Self Defense Trainer Expert Interview. 13 August 2019.- Remember that in many situations, such as at school or on the job, engaging in a fight can get you in trouble or even put into jail-- even if you think you are only engaging in self-defense.
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Get attention. If you are being attacked, draw attention of onlookers and passersby to try to get help. If someone is trying to fight you, they might back down if there are more people on your side.
- Scream or yell as loudly as possible.
- Remember, most people who see a bad situation will not become personally involved if they can help it; it’s a psychological phenomenon known as the "bystander effect." Look someone in the eye and instead of asking for help, tell them to help you. If you know their name, use it. Say, "Help me, this person is trying to attack me," or "Call the police, NOW!" [10] X Research source
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Use verbal techniques. If you do not have a weapon and you do not know any self-defense techniques, you can try using verbal techniques to "talk down" your attacker. [11] X Expert Source Dany Zelig
Self Defense Trainer Expert Interview. 13 August 2019. [12] X Research source- Try using soothing words. Most people who are angry are unable to think clearly, and their heightened emotional state can take several minutes to return to normal. Try talking to the attacker in a soothing tone of voice for several minutes or as long as possible to give him or her time to return to a more rational state of mind. [13] X Research source
- Make empathetic statements. Often a person will try to fight you because he or she thinks you have done something wrong. While you might vehemently disagree, in order to avoid being hit or otherwise attacked, you can try making statements that show you are empathetic to how the person feels. [14] X Research source You might try saying, "You're right, that was a stupid thing I did. I don't know why I did that, but I'm sorry."
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Learn self-defense. [15] X Expert Source Dany Zelig
Self Defense Trainer Expert Interview. 13 August 2019. If you fear for your safety and want to be truly prepared for someone who might try to fight you or who might attack you, you need to learn how to use physical force to defend yourself.- Take classes from a trained professional in personal self defense or any number of martial art techniques such as jujitsu or tae kwon do. Look for a course that specifically teaches defensive techniques; ask the instructor before signing up if this course is right for you and how long it will take before you learn usable techniques.
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Understand what is normal. Some level of verbal disagreement is normal in intimate relationships, like that between spouses or between kids and their parents. [16] X Research source But disagreements and conflicts should not be handled by fighting. [17] X Research source
- Yelling, name-calling, belittling the other person, threatening to leave, or withholding attention or affection are not healthy ways to fight. [18] X Research source Unfortunately, many people grow up in households where these types of fighting are commonplace, and they tend to handle their own disagreements in much the same way throughout life.
- In a relationship where fighting is commonplace, it can be difficult to retrain all of the involved parties to stop fighting and instead talk through disagreements in ways that are respectful. But your goal should be a collaborative relationship where differences are resolved through dialogue and where everyone feels safe, respected, and cared for. [19] X Research source
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Reframe your disagreements. Instead of a fight, try to understand differences of opinion or disagreements as a problem-solving challenge.
- A fight is a situation where you and the other person are against each other. But you and your child, parent, or spouse are not against each other, you are partners! A disagreement is an opportunity to collaborate with your partner for a mutually-satisfying solution.
- Reframing a fight as a collaborative partnership doesn't make it easier to solve, but it does change the dynamic of the interaction. It is not you against them, it is you and them against the problem. [20] X Research source
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Set ground rules. Every healthy relationship has rules, whether spoken or unspoken, about what types of behavior are acceptable. If your relationship struggles with fighting, setting ground rules can be a first step toward a more emotionally stable and fulfilling relationship.
- Agree about what is off-limits during a disagreement. For example, name-calling, threats to leave, or personal insults should be avoided.
- Agree to allow the other person a "time-out" if a disagreement begins to become heated. Promise to revisit the issue later, when all parties are calm. Sometimes, just thirty seconds to breathe and cool down is enough; other times, it might be a good idea to go to bed and sleep on it, and resume discussions the next day. [21] X Research source
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Communicate. The only way to resolve a conflict is to talk through it. Learning how to discuss how you feel and why you are upset can be difficult. It is a good idea to begin practicing during smaller disagreements rather than waiting for big blow-out fights.
- State why you are upset. Be clear and specific, and try using "I" statements rather than statements that blame the other person. For example, "I feel frustrated when I have to take out the trash," rather than "You didn't take out the trash." [22] X Research source
- Let the other person state their side. Be willing to listen and give the benefit of the doubt. Many verbal fights result from a misunderstanding or from jumping to conclusions about another person's motivations. [23] X Research source
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Brainstorm solutions. Remember, this is a collaborative activity. Both parties likely have ideas for their own optimal solution, but the goal is to find a solution that works for everyone. [24] X Research source
- Be willing to compromise, especially on issues that really aren't that important to you. It is difficult to come to a true agreement if you only give the other person one option. [25] X Research source
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Reconnect after a fight. Remember why you love this person. As frustrating as disagreements may be, you should make a point to reconnect and reassure each other that you are still as committed to them as you were before the disagreement. [26] X Research source
- Hold one another, hug, pat the person on the back, or reconnect in any way you can. Tell the person you care about him or her. [27] X Research source
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Get help. If your family's fighting is out of control or you feel like you or someone else is in danger, tell an adult you trust or call the police. [28] X Research source
- In the United States, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY, for deaf callers). Trained counselors at this 24-hour hotline can help you plan your next step.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it better to fight or to walk away?Joseph Bautista is a Self-Defense Specialist and a Martial Arts Instructor specializing in Filipino martial arts. With over 18 years of instructing and martial arts training experience, Joseph runs Legacy Filipino Martial Arts, a Filipino martial arts school based in San Francisco, California. He also teaches self-defense with Self Defense For the People, a self-defense program with clients such as Salesforce, Airbnb, Gap, UPS, and UCSF. When not teaching self defense he is teaching CPR and 1st Aid Skills to 911 Dispatchers and Local Police Officers in the SF Bay Area with 1st Five Minutes.Self-Defense Specialist, Martial Arts Instructor, & 1st Aid/CPR InstructorExpert AnswerThere is no one size fits all answer to this, but keep in mind that one of the three forms of self-defense is verbal de-escalation, and only one form of self-defense has to do with your physical capabilities. That means that fighting is just one way a situation can be resolved, and isn't always the best move.
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QuestionHow do you stop a fist fight with no weapons?Joseph Bautista is a Self-Defense Specialist and a Martial Arts Instructor specializing in Filipino martial arts. With over 18 years of instructing and martial arts training experience, Joseph runs Legacy Filipino Martial Arts, a Filipino martial arts school based in San Francisco, California. He also teaches self-defense with Self Defense For the People, a self-defense program with clients such as Salesforce, Airbnb, Gap, UPS, and UCSF. When not teaching self defense he is teaching CPR and 1st Aid Skills to 911 Dispatchers and Local Police Officers in the SF Bay Area with 1st Five Minutes.Self-Defense Specialist, Martial Arts Instructor, & 1st Aid/CPR InstructorExpert AnswerAttempt to separate the two people before any punches are thrown. However, you should be careful because even something as small as a pen can potentially be used to hurt others, so don't assume that the situation is safe just because no guns or knives are involved.
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QuestionHow do you always win a fight?Joseph Bautista is a Self-Defense Specialist and a Martial Arts Instructor specializing in Filipino martial arts. With over 18 years of instructing and martial arts training experience, Joseph runs Legacy Filipino Martial Arts, a Filipino martial arts school based in San Francisco, California. He also teaches self-defense with Self Defense For the People, a self-defense program with clients such as Salesforce, Airbnb, Gap, UPS, and UCSF. When not teaching self defense he is teaching CPR and 1st Aid Skills to 911 Dispatchers and Local Police Officers in the SF Bay Area with 1st Five Minutes.Self-Defense Specialist, Martial Arts Instructor, & 1st Aid/CPR InstructorExpert AnswerAs with anything else in life, if you want to be good at self-defense and to have it be a skill you can easily access, you should practice it consistently.
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Tips
- If you think you might have to intervene in a fight, training in self defense and/or martial arts is a great way to learn effective disarming techniques.Thanks
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Warnings
- Intervening to stop a fight is always dangerous. You could be hurt or killed if the fight does not de-escalate.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/how-to/a5697/bar-fights-031609/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201502/the-bystander-effect
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/how-to/a5697/bar-fights-031609/
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/how-to/a5697/bar-fights-031609/
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/how-to/a5697/bar-fights-031609/
- ↑ http://wrestling.wonderhowto.com/how-to/do-half-nelson-wrestling-254316/
- ↑ http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/how-to/a5697/bar-fights-031609/
- ↑ https://www.motorists.org/blog/how-to-deal-with-road-rage/
- ↑ Dany Zelig. Self Defense Trainer. Expert Interview. 13 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201502/the-bystander-effect
- ↑ Dany Zelig. Self Defense Trainer. Expert Interview. 13 August 2019.
- ↑ http://www.adrr.com/aa/whymastervsd.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201101/controlling-angry-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201101/controlling-angry-people
- ↑ Dany Zelig. Self Defense Trainer. Expert Interview. 13 August 2019.
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/family_fights.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201306/beware-mistaken-marriage-advice-all-couples-fight
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201306/beware-mistaken-marriage-advice-all-couples-fight
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201306/beware-mistaken-marriage-advice-all-couples-fight
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201306/beware-mistaken-marriage-advice-all-couples-fight
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-to-stop-fighting-tips-for-married-couples
- ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#5
- ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#5
- ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#5
- ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#5
- ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#5
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-to-stop-fighting-tips-for-married-couples
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-feelings.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you’re trying to stop a fight in public, stay calm, and address the situation with a soothing voice, nonthreatening body language, and slow movements. Call the police if weapons are involved, or directly ask somebody nearby to help you break up the fight. To stop a fight at home, reframe your disagreement as a problem you have to face together rather than the other person being the problem. Additionally, use “I” statements, like “I feel frustrated when… “ to communicate, rather than blaming the other person by starting a sentence with “You.” To learn how to stop a fight if you’re the one being attacked, keep reading!
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