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When you adore your beautiful girlfriend (especially at the beginning of a relationship) it can be hard to spot red flags as they pop up. Maybe she's started lying, spying, or sleuthing on your phone—but whatever she's doing, you're starting to wonder whether your girlfriend is as sweet as she seems. Your health, safety, and happiness are most important, and we'll make sure you have all the tools to protect yourself. We'll also walk you through normal girlfriend behavior, worrying red flags in her behavior, and finally, what you can do to fix things. To learn everything you need to know, read on!
Toxic Girlfriend Signs
Your girlfriend might be toxic if she makes you feel like you need to walk on eggshells. She might also be toxic if she talks down to you, criticizes you, or never takes responsibility. Another sign she might be toxic is if she manipulates you or causes you harm.
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Section 1 of 3:
Signs Your Girlfriend Is Being Toxic
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You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around her. When your girlfriend’s behaviors are totally unpredictable, to the extent that she regularly leaves you feeling confused, drained, and stressed in her presence, that may be a sign you're in an unhealthy relationship. Specifically, she may: [1] X Research source
- Lie constantly. She may claim not to have said things or she may claim to have experienced things that she hasn’t, like winning a big award.
- Never take responsibility. If she fails a test, she might say it’s because her teacher has it out for her.
- Have huge reactions to little things. Her blow-ups may be hard to predict. She may treat minor inconveniences like the end of the world.
- Expect you to read her mind. She may act like it’s your job to anticipate needs she hasn't expressed. And when you don’t, she may fly off the handle.
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She lacks empathy, leaving you feeling belittled and alone. If your girlfriend constantly makes you feel low or less than, it could be a sign that you're in a toxic relationship. Specifically, she might: [2] X Research source
- Talk down to you, especially around others. Like, for instance, she might say that the story you just told to a group of friends was stupid or silly.
- Shame you when you get upset, especially when it’s with her, for valid reasons. If you cry when she forgets your anniversary, she might call you weak.
- Criticize you constantly . She may regularly tell you not to wear, eat, or say certain things. This may start slowly but get worse over time.
- Refuse to see your side. Even when you clearly communicate your perspective, she might not seem to care about your thoughts and feelings.
- Never admit it when she’s wrong. Even when she’s faced with clear evidence, she may change the subject or throw a fit before she agrees with you.
- See your relationship as a power struggle. She may always be competing with you, and she may not seem to like it when you succeed.
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She’s manipulative and controlling. She might not seem to care about your personal freedoms or even your own happiness. Over time, you may start to feel less in control, and your self-esteem may dip. When this happens, it's a sign that you're in a poor relationship. It might even suggest that your relationship is toxic. Your girlfriend might also: [3] X Research source
- Actively try to manipulate you. She may suddenly start crying when she wants you to do something, and then the second you give in, she’ll stop.
- Control who you see, talk to, or follow on social media. She might bar you from seeing friends or demand your passwords so she can block people.
- Be extremely jealous. She might scream, cry, or ignore you for a full week when you have one conversation with another girl.
- Gaslight you. She might constantly claim that all of your reactions are crazy or overdramatic—even when you’re just being honest with her.
- Bait you over text or phone. She may pretend to be someone else, whether it’s to find out if you’re cheating or to hear your honest thoughts about her.
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She causes you harm. Feeling safe in your relationship should be a given. Any time that you don’t feel that way, know that it’s not okay. If your girlfriend ever makes you feel physically or mentally endangered, that’s a sign you need to leave. Regardless of her mental state, this is abuse—and you don't deserve it. In this case, she might: [4] X Research source
- Stalk you. She could call you constantly just to “check in,” show up wherever you are without warning, or even start spying on you.
- Have uncontrolled, violent outbursts. When she gets upset, she may break things, call you vicious names, or throw things around you.
- Be violent. If she ever physically hurts you or tries to hurt you, this is an automatic dealbreaker. She needs help, and for your safety, you should seek support from someone you love and trust immediately.
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Section 2 of 3:
Behaviors That May Seem like Red Flags, but Aren’t
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She gets upset when you let her down. Is your girlfriend reacting to something you did? Think back, could you have maybe disappointed or disrespected her? We all make mistakes in relationships, so don't beat yourself up. But remember, having a negative reaction to something genuinely upsetting is normal—and that doesn't mean she's being toxic. [5] X Research source
- Did she storm out of the room in tears—but only after you told her that you were going to skip her birthday party or important recital?
- Maybe she gave you the silent treatment, but before that, you told her you didn't like her outfit.
- If you make a mistake, like infidelity, she may have a big reaction. That’s not abnormal behavior, that’s just because she’s upset and feeling hurt.
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She’s standing up for or defending herself. Like anyone else, she has the right to stick up for herself when another person is giving her a hard time. If you feel like she’s acting defensive, take a moment to reflect; did you call her a name, disrespect her, or bait her into an argument? If you did, then her reaction might actually make a lot of sense when you think about it. [6] X Research source
- If the answer is yes, then in that case, her behavior sounds like it's pretty normal. She’s just standing up for herself, like you probably would if you were her!
- If you let an unkind comment slip, and she sets a boundary (maybe by explaining that she expects you to be nicer to her) then that’s normal behavior.
- If you insult something serious, like her intelligence, she might shout that you don’t give her enough credit. That’s a normal reaction, too.
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She’s experiencing period or PMS symptoms. These symptoms can be brutal, sometimes causing serious cramps, mood swings, irritability, headaches, or nausea. If she's on or near her period and suffering from side effects such as these, she’s not being toxic. [7] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- She might, for instance, be more easily annoyed or she may have an unexplainable low mood. Those are both common period symptoms.
- Be careful not to chalk up her emotional state to just PMS; it's dismissive and rude, especially if she has not mentioned PMS as a reason she is upset.
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Section 3 of 3:
What Should You Do Next?
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If you're unsatisfied but want to keep dating, start a conversation. Maybe you can't handle any more lies, or maybe you'd rather she not get so jealous. If your goal is to fix the relationship, set your boundaries and listen to her take as well. Focus on being understanding, and remember: the goal isn't to "win" the conversation, it's to find a healthy, happy balance. [8] X Research source
- Ask her to talk: "Hey, I really like you and I want to keep dating, but there are some things I'm having trouble dealing with. Can we talk?"
- Express your needs and boundaries: "I just can't deal with all of the lying. I have to know I can trust you. Does that make sense?"
- Give her space to explain her side, and actively listen without judgment: "What do you think about that? I'd love to hear your side."
- Finally, find a compromise that works for both of you: "I think we should try couple's therapy. I feel like we both have things a professional could help with."
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If you think she might need help, extend a hand. If signs show that she might be struggling with a deeper emotional issue, she needs all of the empathy and support she can get (as long as it continues to be safe for you). If you want to stay with her, first explain that you're there for her, offer help, express your boundaries, and make a plan. [9] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source
- Start your chat: "Hey, I think we should talk. But first, I want to say that I care so much about you. I wouldn't bring this up if I didn't."
- Share your thoughts: "I think you'd feel happier if you got help. I went to therapy growing up, and it was so good for me. I'll help you find someone great ."
- Explain your boundaries: "I'll still need you to respect it when I need time alone, but I'll be here for you along the way. You can count on me."
- Make a plan: "Let's schedule three sessions this month. Then, if you want, we can talk about what you liked and didn't like together afterward."
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If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at all, end the relationship. Your first priority always needs to be your own happiness and health. Ask yourself: is this relationship creating more joy in my life, or is it taking some away? Then, remember that even if this is someone you care deeply for, if you're unsafe—that's unacceptable. Get help immediately. [10] X Research source
- Reach out to a domestic violence hotline for help. If you're worried that you're in danger, stay away from your girlfriend and get somewhere safe .
- Speak to a loved one you trust. Tell them what's been happening and ask them for help. A trusted friend or loved one can also give you an outside perspective of your relationship, which is very valuable.
- Know that you don't deserve to be hurt by the person you love. Once you've broken up and gotten somewhere safe, remember to take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal .
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How Do I Know If My Relationship Is Toxic?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is gaslighting?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. It's making your partner seem crazy, irrational, and unintelligent for their subjective experience.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about telling if someone is toxic, check out our in-depth interview with Fernando Campos .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201601/eggshell-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202102/4-critical-signs-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/test-case/201106/acceptance-means-never-having-say-youre-disappointed
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201209/how-and-how-not-stand-yourself
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24288-pms-premenstrual-syndrome
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2017/How-to-Encourage-Someone-to-See-a-Therapist
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