“Hey Mom, can I talk to you for a second?” OK, what is it? “I wanted to tell you that the way you treated me yesterday was really hurtful. I know I didn’t get my best grade on the math test, but I still tried really hard and when you told me those things about not being successful if I can’t do basic algebra...that was really hard to hear, and it’s not true.” John, I’m trying to help you. I know you can do better than that, and I just can’t believe that that grade reflects your maximum effort. You just need to study harder next time. “But I studied really hard this time, Mom, remember? I was up until midnight the night before, doing practice problems.” Well, maybe we shouldn’t leave studying until the day before, then? “I was doing homework and studying for my Spanish quiz the day before that. But the point is that the bad grade didn’t hurt as badly as hearing your criticism did.” The only way for you to improve is to understand what you did wrong and work even harder to get it right next time. “But I do see what I did wrong, and I even asked Mr. Cho today after class if he could go over those concepts again with me. I can understand my own mistakes and get better without constant criticism, and in fact, the criticism just makes me nervous, and makes me do worse.” I’m only criticizing because I know what amazing potential you have. I’m just trying to get you to be the best that you can be. “But I don’t think you’re seeing that I’m already doing pretty great! This is a hard class, and I’m in the top 25%, and I’m keeping my grades up in my other classes too. Just some acknowledgment of that, too, wouldn’t make me feel so attacked when I talk to you about my schoolwork.” Spoiling you with praise will only make you complacent. I’m trying to get you to improve every time. “But criticism isn’t the way to do that. It’s ruining my trust in you and our relationship, and I can’t let that happen. Next time, I’m just going to stop talking to you about my schoolwork, because it’s not helping and it’s not good for either of us.”