How to Deal with a Terrible Dad: Best Coping Techniques

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Mental health experts explain how to move on and reclaim your life
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In a perfect world, dads are the people we look up to and seek guidance from, who love us unconditionally and put us first no matter what. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always turn out that way. If your dad is emotionally distant, unkind, or otherwise toxic in your life, keep reading for some ways to minimize his influence on you, including tips from psychology experts and life coaches on how to best care for yourself emotionally and recover from abuse.

Handling a Bad Dad: Overview

Understand that your dad is the problem, not you. Try to minimize your interactions and avoid picking up any of his aggressive habits or behaviors. Seek good role models and begin practicing self-care and self-love. Confide in someone you can trust and call the police if you're in immediate danger.

Section 1 of 5:

How to Minimize His Influence

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  1. Are you blaming yourself for your dad’s angry outbursts, excessive drinking, neglect, or emotional instability? Many kids think their parents behave badly because of something they did wrong. If this sounds like you, stop blaming yourself. No matter what your dad or anyone else says, you’re not responsible for his behavior. Your father is an adult, so he's responsible for himself.
    • If you’re having trouble realizing that you’re not to blame, talk to another adult about what you’re feeling.
    • It may also help to remind yourself by reciting an affirmation like, “Dad is responsible for himself. I am not to blame for his behavior.”
    • Remember that your dad’s behavior does not have anything to do with you. His behavior may be the result of how he was raised, his own trauma, a mental illness, or other factors.
    • Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, adds to this, stating, “There are many parents who were unprepared or ill-equipped to be parents. Parents seldom have the experience or preparation that is needed to make all of the right decisions. For many, parenting is a trial-and-error experience. They are learning as they go and hopefully, they are improving as they grow.”
  2. Living in a household with a dad who has negative habits may make you worry about picking them up. It's true that there's a chance that kids can develop habits— how to handle relationships, conflict, and substance abuse from their parents— but it's not a certainty. To ensure that you don’t inherit his bad habits, Brown offers a few suggestions. These include:
    • Make a list of his behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions that you consider to be unbecoming.
    • Be aware of and protect your own needs.
    • Refuse to use aggressive behavior in your life.
    • Refuse to allow the negative behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions of others to define you.
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  3. 3
    Take positive action in your life. Brown suggests replacing “all negative behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions with constructive and positively directed ones.” One way to do this is to try to identify the unhealthy behaviors you don't want to pick up from your father. Then, look for another role model who demonstrates the types of behaviors you do want.
    • If your dad suffers from substance abuse, participate in extracurricular activities at school. Involvement in such activities lowers your risk of engaging in those same high-risk behaviors. [1]
    • Similarly, if you are being neglected or abused, start working with a counselor to address these issues. Getting help can help you minimize your chances of demonstrating the same behavioral patterns with your own children one day. [2]
  4. You can soften the influence your terrible father has on you by seeking out positive relationships with men who are role models. Form relationships with men who are leaders in your school, work, or community. These influences may counter some of the negative effects of having a bad father.
    • Participate in mentoring programs like the Boys & Girls Club of America . You might also connect with positive role models by reaching out to teachers, coaches, community leaders, or spiritual advisors.
    • You might reach out by saying something like, "Coach Greg, I really look up to you. My own dad is hardly ever around. Do you think you could mentor me?"
    • Consider your friends’ dads as well. If you have a friend who has a good dad, then you might ask your friend if it would be okay if you tag along for some of their activities.
    • Life coach Jennifer Butler recommends determining what your core values are and finding role models based on shared core values: “A strong foundation for any kind of relationship to flourish begins with having aligned core values.”
  5. You can further absorb the negative effects of a terrible father by surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. While relationships with others can’t necessarily replace your father, they can offer protection against stress. Lean on good friends and family members for social support.
    • Brown notes the power of surrounding yourself with people who are positive influences: “We must become consciously aware of our own person and those that we interact with. If we are in the company of negative people, then over time, we will inherit many of those individuals’ beliefs and perspectives of the world. It is a skill that is never mastered, but rather is carefully and cautiously cultivated.”
  6. If your terrible father is a part of your life, but you find his presence tends to make things worse, get some distance from him. Protect yourself from further psychological harm by reducing the amount of time you spend around him. [3]
    • If you visit your father only occasionally, ask your second parent if you can stop the visits.
    • If your father lives in the same household as you, limit the time you spend around him by excusing yourself to your room whenever possible.
    • Brown is a big advocate of setting clear boundaries with a toxic father and sticking to them, adding, “Compromising your boundaries will indicate to [him] that you do not stand behind what you believe.”
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Section 2 of 5:

How to Recover Emotionally

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  1. 1
    Identify the things that have hurt you. Start by making a list of the beliefs that you have about yourself, and consider how each one of these beliefs was formed. Then, work on identifying behaviors that come from those beliefs and work on refuting them. For example, if your dad has told you repeatedly that you’re not smart, then you may have accepted this. This belief may have affected your grades. You can refute this belief by asking for additional help with subjects that have been challenging for you and by improving in these areas.
    • Brown advises that you “refuse to allow the negative behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions of others to have a dire effect upon your own person.”
  2. Unloading your thoughts and feelings onto a sheet of paper can be cathartic, giving you an outlet for pent-up emotions. Deal with any unresolved feelings about your father by writing a letter. Write out everything that you have ever wanted to say to him in as much detail as possible. After you’ve finished writing, read the letter aloud to yourself as if you were sharing it with him. Then, destroy the letter by burning it or tearing it to shreds. [4]
    • This exercise is designed to help you heal, so delivering the letter is not required. However, if you’d like to send it, go for it.
  3. There are many negative effects of having a father who is physically or psychologically absent, such as poor future relationships and mental health problems. Counter these effects by nurturing yourself with regular self-care. [5]
    • Self-care can be anything that helps you feel nurtured. Try watching your favorite movies or TV shows, going for a quiet walk in nature, or massaging away the tension in your shoulders.
    • Life coach Kamal Ravikant offers an alternate explanation to self-care and achieving self-love, stating, “Loving yourself is not just taking a bubble bath. Loving yourself is a fundamentally inner thing where you walk around feeling love for the amazing human being you are, and you live life from that place.”
    • He adds, “You don’t live life as a victim— you live life as the hero of your story from a deep sense of confidence and love.”
  4. Learn to identify your strengths . Feeling unloved or alienated by your father can result in self-hatred and low self-esteem . To counter these emotional problems, make an effort to highlight your personal strengths. Doing so can help you feel more self-confident despite lacking needed support from your dad. [6]
    • Sit down and make a list of all the things you’re good at. If you have trouble coming up with strengths, ask a close friend to help you.
    • Post your list on your mirror so that it’s always visible. Add to it when you discover more strengths.
    • Write down compliments you get from other people, such as teachers or other adults whom you respect. Then, when you’re feeling low, look at the list of compliments to remind yourself of what other people really think of you.
    • Butler shares that allowing negative thoughts about yourself to come to the forefront is the beginning of a good exercise for this purpose: “You can write them down and start noticing a pattern. What is the narrative? What's the theme? When did the story become that I don't deserve to succeed?”
    • She encourages that you ask yourself these questions, answer them, and then begin to dismantle them. “Flip the script and start writing down every success you've had, start listing everything you've ever accomplished, and start looking for evidence of the truth.”
  5. The emotional wounds of having a terrible father may run deep, but it can help to share your feelings with others. Identify at least one friend with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Talking to someone can facilitate the healing process. [7]
    • You might reach out by saying, “My relationship with my dad is really troubling me. I could use someone to talk to.”
    • If you are the person whose friend opens up to them about their terrible dad, try to actively listen to their feelings and show empathy for what they're going through.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 808 wikiHow readers and 59% agreed that the best way to support someone with a complex parent relationship is to show empathy and be a supportive listener . [Take Poll]
  6. In addition to talking to your friends, it can also help to tell an adult what's happening at home. Try talking to another relative, a teacher, or your school counselor. [8]
    • You might say, "Things are really tough at home. Dad's drinking is getting worse and I don't know what to do."
    • Know that some people in authority might have to report your father's behavior to the police or child protective services. If you do not want your father to get into trouble, you might avoid going into specifics with these individuals or talk to a peer's parent or an adult relative instead. https://cwig-prod-prod-drupal-s3fs-us-east-1.s3.amazonaws.com/public/documents/manda.pdf
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Section 3 of 5:

How to Survive Abuse

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  1. If your dad is angry or violent, avoid arguing or trying to reason with him. In such a situation, the best way to handle the situation is to remain quiet and only speak when you are directly spoken to. Arguing or trying to explain your perspective may make him angrier and put you in harm's way. [9]
  2. If you live with an abusive father, think of a place you can escape to when he’s at his worst. Getting out of his sight may protect you from verbal or physical attacks. If you have younger siblings, bring them along, too.
    • A safe haven might be a friend’s or neighbor’s house or a park near your home.
    • Psychologist Natalie Feinblatt offers some insight on what it might feel like to leave an abusive home: “Try to embrace that life is gonna be very different for a little while. And if that difference feels weird or strange, that's not because it's wrong. It's actually because it's right.”
    • She further explains that dysfunctional families are “opposite land,” where unhealthy behaviors begin to feel healthy. “So, when you're leaving an environment like that, it can feel very strange, but that's because what you're used to is very unhealthy.”
    • Feinblatt adds that you need to prepare yourself for the fact that “people are not going to be happy with you” and that you're going to have to “learn how to set and maintain boundaries with members of your family. If we're talking about people who have abused you, you get to choose if you want them in your life at all, or not,” she finishes.
  3. To stop the cycle of abuse, you have to speak out. Doing so can be frightening as you might fear the abuse will get worse if you tell. However, if you say nothing, you can’t get the help you need. [10]
    • Pull aside an adult you trust, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and tell them what’s happening at home. Most people who work with kids in an official capacity are mandated reporters. This means that they have to call child protective services or the police if they suspect or hear about abuse, and if they don’t, they get in trouble.
    • If you are in the US or Canada, you can also call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child for assistance 24 hours a day. [11]
    • If you're in the United Kingdom, call 0808 800 5000 to speak to someone anonymously.
  4. If your dad is threatening to harm you or someone else in your family, don't hesitate to alert the local police. Never assume he will calm down or that his threats are empty. If you are in a life-threatening situation, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away. [12]
  5. Participating in therapy can help bring to light some of the wounds you have developed due to having an abusive father. It’s a safe place to explore and try to resolve long-buried feelings that are affecting your ability to thrive. [13]
    • If you are a minor, ask your second parent or another guardian if you can talk to a therapist. You can also ask your school counselor if there is someone who you can talk to while you’re at school.
    • If you are an adult, ask your family doctor for a mental health referral.
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Section 4 of 5:

Why is your dad mean to you?

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  1. Narcissism, mental health issues, or trauma can make fathers act mean. You’re not alone if you feel your dad is mean to you. Recent studies show that about 26% of young adults are estranged from their fathers, which is significantly higher than the 6% of young adults estranged from their mothers. [14]
    • One reason why your dad might be treating you poorly is due to parental narcissism. This can present as entitlement, overbearingness, and lack of empathy, especially as a child grows and the father feels as if they’re unable to control them any longer.
    • Mental health issues, such as undiagnosed anger disorders or substance abuse, may cause your dad to lash out in cruel ways.
    • Other factors, like a painful divorce or dealing with abuse they experienced earlier in life, can result in them abusing you. Remember: this is not your fault, and you should try to remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
Section 5 of 5:

FAQs: Dealing With Terrible Dads

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  1. 1
    What is a toxic father's behavior? Toxic behavior in a father can manifest in several ways. Extreme criticism, gaslighting, and an inability to respect boundaries are widespread among toxic parents. For example, instigating a volatile argument with you and refusing to apologize at any cost may be characteristic of toxic behavior. However, it’s important not to label any disagreement as toxic as this could lead to misuse of the term. [15]
  2. 2
    How does an angry father affect a child? Having an angry father can affect a child’s emotional development, leading to an inability to regulate their emotions, form long-lasting bonds with others, and potentially suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mood disorders. Low self-esteem is another huge side effect of angry parenting, since the father may be hypercritical and aggressive, causing the child to be withdrawn later in life. [16]
  3. 3
    Is it normal to not like my dad? To some extent, yes. Having negative feelings toward your dad is relatively common, depending on your age, degree of closeness, and history of negligence or abuse. Puberty marks a particularly tension-filled time between children and parents, as adolescents seek more independence, grow tired of being told what to do, and generally want to break free of the influence their parents have over them. [17]
    • Still, if you have a dad who’s demonstrating toxic, negligent, or abusive behaviors, you have every right to not like him and to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.
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      Tips

      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • How you deal with your father issues isn't a universal thing; it's more based on individual abilities and unique capabilities. Everyone is different. Don't let your father's wrongs define you. Try to understand him. Try to do the right thing, even though not much right was done to you. It's not your fault.
      • If your dad's strict, don't just go with it and give up! Talk it over with him. It can help you feel better to tell him what you feel. It also just might help your dad change his ways and try to be a better dad.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4096144/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/improving-family-relationships-with-emotional-intelligence.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/write-yourself-well/201403/transactional-writing-letters-that-heal
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/5-ways-know-youre-confiding-in-the-right-person
      8. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/family-abuse.html
      9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/family-abuse.html
      1. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/handle-abuse.html
      2. ↑ https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/07/emergency-responses
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/201603/4-ways-start-healing-childhood-trauma
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202305/no-adult-childparent-estrangement-isnt-a-fad
      6. ↑ https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/parental-estrangement/
      7. ↑ https://lifeovercoffee.com/the-angry-dad/?srsltid=AfmBOopimp6baKSvfFnP55QT7LgjI6RMrYv98FvNtt8iaKL8mVP3u7-h
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/stress/i-hate-my-mom

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you have to deal with a terrible dad, do your best to minimize his influence on you by keeping your distance and reminding yourself that he's responsible for his own behavior. Also, resist the urge to take up his bad habits. Instead, search for other male role models to look up to. While relationships with other people may not necessarily replace the relationship you have with your father, try to build a positive support group around you, so you have friends and family to lean on when you're stressed. When you find yourself struggling emotionally, unload all of your thoughts and feelings toward your dad into a letter, which you don't actually have to send. By simply giving yourself an outlet for your pent-up emotions, you can begin to heal. For more advice from our co-author, like how to survive an abusive father, read on.

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