Wandering Eye in a Relationship: What It Means & How to Deal with It

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Plus, learn what wandering eye means in the medical world
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In relationships, a wandering eye usually refers to someone checking out other people while they have a partner. What someone considers a wandering eye and how they feel about it—whether it’s normal or a cause of concern—varies from person to person, though. If you’re curious what a wandering eye is and what it might mean for your relationship, keep reading. We spoke with psychologists and therapists to learn what a wandering eye means, if it’s a red flag, and what you should do if you or your partner has it.

What does it mean if someone has a wandering eye?

A wandering eye usually refers to someone who checks out other people while they’re in a committed relationship. This can sometimes include other behaviors like flirting with or fantasizing about other people. Some people think wandering eyes are normal while others believe it is disrespectful and can lead to cheating.

Section 1 of 9:

What is a wandering eye in a relationship?

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  1. In general, a wandering eye is when someone in a committed relationship notices and checks out other people in a romantic or sexual way. This can include talking about how attractive someone is, flirting with them, or fantasizing about them. However, people have different definitions of what a wandering eye entails. [1]
    • People also feel differently about wandering eyes in a relationship. Many think it’s an inoffensive, normal behavior while others find it disrespectful or embarrassing, like they have to compete for their partner’s attention.
    • Some even see wandering eyes as “ microcheating ,” or small actions that create intimacy with someone outside the relationship. To some, this can undermine their trust in their partner or be a sign of future infidelity. [2]
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Section 2 of 9:

What are examples of a wandering eye?

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  1. 1
    Wandering eyes can include checking someone out or flirting. A wandering eye has no set definition, so it means different things to many people. For the most part, it involves thoughts and feelings rather than direct actions. Some examples of wandering eye behaviors can include:
    • Checking someone out (staring at their body, ogling, etc.)
    • Commenting on how attractive, hot, or sexy someone is (as opposed to more neutral comments, like saying they look nice)
    • Flirting with someone
    • Having sexual fantasies about someone
    • Talking about their sexual desires with someone
    • Making romantic or sexual plans with someone
  2. 2
    Wandering eyes can include liking social media posts and flirty texting. For many people, wandering eyes isn’t just a real-world behavior: it can also happen online. While people have their own definitions of wandering eyes online, some common behaviors include:
    • Following someone just to check them out
    • Liking someone’s photos and posts on social media
    • Flirting with someone on social media (commenting on posts, sending DMs)
    • Flirting with someone through text
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Section 3 of 9:

Is wandering eye a red flag in a relationship?

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  1. 1
    Some people think wandering eyes are normal and not a red flag. According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, it is “natural for humans to look at other humans” even when they’re in committed relationships. So, many couples don’t think anything of wandering eyes. They recognize that it’s normal to notice if someone is attractive and understand that it doesn’t negate their love for their partner (or mean their partner isn’t into them).
    • Many people believe it’s unreasonable to never check out another person once you're in a relationship—it’s okay to look and even fantasize. What’s more important is that you treat your thoughts as fantasy and don’t act on them.
    • Miller agrees, saying, “We're not our thoughts. It's more the actions around it. So it's okay…if a partner fantasizes about somebody else. It's the actions that concern me more” or “that they're going to do something about that.”
    • In Miller’s opinion, she would “be more worried if somebody wasn't looking at other people” because this could mean their “blood isn't pumping” or “they're not having hormones.” She asserts that there’s normalcy in couples noticing and finding other people attractive.
  2. 2
    Other people think wandering eyes are a red flag and lead to cheating. Many people find wandering eyes insensitive and hurtful. To them, it can mean their partner doesn’t respect their relationship which makes it a red flag . Some people may also see wandering eyes as a type of micro cheating that can lead to infidelity. [3]
    • For many people, having a partner with a wandering eye can make them feel unloved and insecure. It can seem like their partner is neglecting them, comparing them to others, unexcited by the relationship, or not dealing with issues.
    • Does a wandering eye lead to cheating? There is some evidence that people who find others attractive are more likely to cheat later in the relationship. [4] However, this doesn’t mean a wandering eye causes someone to cheat or always leads to cheating. Every person and relationship is different.
    • Is a wandering eye considered cheating? Some people might see a wandering eye as a form of infidelity. Licensed clinical social worker Raffi Bilek says what people consider cheating depends on their relationship needs and boundaries—there’s no “one size fits all” definition.
  3. 3
    Ultimately, whether it’s a red flag or not comes down to your boundaries. There’s no right or wrong way to view a wandering eye. While Miller says it’s important to recognize that finding people other than your partner attractive is normal, it’s also okay if you’re uncomfortable with this or find it disrespectful. Whatever your feelings are, they are valid: how you view a wandering eye depends on your relationship needs and personal boundaries.
    • If you’re worried that you have a wandering eye , we’ll help you figure out how to move forward in your relationship in the section below.
    • If your partner has a wandering eye and it’s affecting your relationship, we’ll help you figure out how to communicate with your partner and deal with your emotions.
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Section 4 of 9:

When a Wandering Eye Crosses a Line

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  1. Miller agrees that there’s a difference between quickly checking a person out and overtly ogling them. If someone checks out of their conversation with their partner because they’re eyeing up the people around them, or they make inappropriate comments about another person to their partner, that is typically seen as disrespectful or a red flag.
    • When to be concerned : Your partner’s behavior makes you feel disrespected, sidelined, insecure, or neglected.
  2. 2
    It can cross the line when it's a frequent behavior. How often a person gets a wandering eye can indicate whether it's disrespectful behavior or a red flag. If someone checks out another person once in a blue moon, their partner might consider their behavior normal or okay. But, if someone is always flirting or checking out other people when their partner is around, that is usually a red flag.
    • When to be concerned : Your partner dismisses your feelings or gets defensive about their behavior.
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Section 5 of 9:

What to Do If You Have a Wandering Eye

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  1. 1
    Consider whether your behavior crossed a line. Think about the relationship boundaries and needs you’ve discussed with your partner. Is checking out other people a behavior you and your partner have agreed is disrespectful or unacceptable? Is this something that would violate your partner’s trust? How do you think your partner would feel if they knew you did it? [5]
    • Also, consider how you’d feel if your partner was checking out another person. Is this something that would cross a line for you?
    • Ask yourself how you feel about your behavior , too. If you feel guilty or like you want to hide your behavior from your partner, it might be a sign that you’ve crossed a line.
    • There are no right or wrong answers to these questions—these are just guidelines to assess your behavior and boundaries. Your answers can help you figure out how to proceed and move forward in your relationship.
  2. 2
    Talk about your boundaries with your partner. If you’re still unsure whether your wandering eye crossed a line, bring up your behavior with your partner. Tell them that you want to set boundaries about what you both consider acceptable when it comes to looking at and flirting with other people, as well as engaging with them on social media. Be clear about your needs and limits and agree on a path forward together. [6]
    • Bilek recommends opening up a conversation about your boundaries when you’re both calm, relaxed, and not preoccupied with other things.
    • Licensed counselor Dr. Tara Vossenkemper says healthy boundaries “are about knowing your needs, effectively communicating them, and attempting to respect your partner's needs.” If you and your partner have different views on a wandering eye, work together to compromise on what acceptable boundaries look like for the both of you.
  3. 3
    Apologize to your partner if your behavior crossed a line. If your wandering eye hurt your partner, make a sincere apology . Clinical psychologist Dr. Supatra Tovar advises that you admit to your behavior and acknowledge how it made your partner feel. Say, “I’m sorry” and promise your partner that you won’t repeat the behavior again.
    • Dr. Tovar says it’s equally important to ensure your actions align with your words. If you promise not to ogle and comment on other people’s bodies, make sure you honor your word.
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Section 6 of 9:

What to Do If Your Partner Has a Wandering Eye

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  1. 1
    Recognize that a wandering eye doesn’t indicate anything about your worth. Having a partner who checks out or flirts with other people can be hurtful and disrespectful, leading you to question your attractiveness and value. While it can be difficult, it’s important to understand that their wandering eye has nothing to do with you—it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person or partner in the relationship.
    • Miller says that it’s normal for your self-esteem to take a hit when your partner’s behavior crosses boundaries. While it often feels personal or like you’re not good enough, that’s not the case—it’s really about your partner.
    • To help build your self-esteem , recognize your accomplishments and wonderful qualities. Work to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. [7]
    • To help you deal with insecurity , relationship counselor Jason Polk advises practicing ‘remember abundance.’ He says to “take a deep breath” and remember that “there is abundance all around” and “many things to be grateful for.” Recognize that your partner “does not possess your abundance” so they “can't take your abundance away.”
  2. 2
    Tell your partner how their behavior makes you feel. If you’re uncomfortable or hurt by your partner’s wandering eye, Bilek says it’s important to let them know how you’re feeling . He recommends starting the conversation with something simple like, “Hey, I noticed that you've been checking people out in front of me. I’ve got to tell you that I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this.”
    • Bilek recommends “talking about yourself and your experience” as opposed to talking about what your partner is doing wrong so they don’t get defensive.
    • Miller agrees, saying it’s important to use “I” language when communicating with your partner. This helps you focus on your feelings rather than criticizing your partner, which can make your message more well-received.
  3. 3
    Set boundaries with your partner. Open up a conversation about what wandering eye behaviors are unacceptable and acceptable for you and your partner. Listen to each other's needs and agree on what you both find comfortable. For example, you might agree that quickly checking someone out is okay but flirting is off the table. [8]
    • Be clear, direct, and specific about what you are comfortable with and what you are not.
    • Use “I” language to share your boundaries so your feelings and needs are clear.
  4. 4
    Build up trust and nurture your relationship. Dealing with your partner’s wandering eye can negatively affect your relationship or even break your trust, but it is something you can move past if you’re both committed to working on the relationship. Make an effort to forgive your partner and prioritize your relationship to help rebuild trust :
    • Miller says boundary breaches can sometimes lead to a “really beautiful new beginning.” She advises taking the opportunity to “get honest and talk about what was missing” to build an even stronger foundation.
    • Be patient and monitor your partner’s behavior. Miller says rebuilding trust “does take time” so it’s important to see “what your partner is doing to build that trust up with you again.”
    • Connect with your partner by spending time together: go on dates, cuddle on the couch, practice a hobby, or try a new experience.
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Section 7 of 9:

Is it possible to move past a wandering eye?

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  1. If you and your partner are both committed to your relationship, it is possible to move past a wandering eye. Make sure you’re both on the same page by communicating about the issue, setting boundaries, and clarifying what you consider cheating. Then, take steps to reconnect and build your relationship back up. [9]
    • Whether you or your partner is the one with the wandering eye, know that it can be a hurtful behavior that’s challenging to work through. You both may have lost trust in the relationship, so it can take constant work, time, and patience to move past the issue.
    • Continue to check in with your partner about your boundaries and needs to ensure you stay on the same page.
    • Work on communicating better and actively listening to one another so you both feel comfortable bringing up things that are bothering you before they become an issue.
    • If you and your partner are having trouble moving past the issue, Miller recommends talking to a couples counselor. They can give you the space to discuss your issues and work on a solution.
Section 8 of 9:

What is the wandering eye medical condition?

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  1. Wandering eye is when one eye is turned in a different direction than the other. Wandering eye, also called intermittent exotropia, is a type of strabismus or eye misalignment condition. It typically refers to one of the eyes pointing outward in a different direction than the other eye is focused on. [10]
    • Causes : Wandering eye can be due to poor eye muscle strength, low vision or vision loss, stroke, brain injury, or tumors. It can be genetic, too.
    • Diagnosis : Visit an ophthalmologist or optometrist to do an eye exam. The doctor will likely conduct a visual acuity test, refraction test, and alignment test.
    • Treatment : Treatment options can include wearing an eye patch, applying eye drops, wearing glasses, or doing eye therapy. In severe cases, surgery may be necessary.
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Section 9 of 9:

Key Takeaways

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  1. People feel differently about what a wandering eye is and what it means for their relationship: it might be normal behavior, disrespectful, or a precursor to cheating. If wandering eye crosses a line with you, clarify your boundaries and needs with your partner to help work through the issue.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201711/the-wandering-eye-and-the-green-eyed-monster
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/micro-cheating
      3. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407517734398
      4. ↑ https://andreameltzer.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/JPSP-2018-McNulty-et-al..pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      1. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23440-exotropia

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