They guilt you for spending time away from them Your partner makes passive aggressive or sarcastic remarks about your social outings. Examples: “Oh, so you’re choosing Karen over me now?” “You can have one or two nights a week to spend with John and Daniel.” “I think Julie is a bad influence and you shouldn’t be friends with her.” “You’re taking ‘you time’ tonight again?” They are overly critical (even about little things) Your partner may make snide comments disguised as “supportive” or “constructive” when what they’re really saying is that they know best and you’re incapable of making good decisions. Examples: “Why do you waste so much time doing your art?” “Did you really use that tone with your boss?” “How is that idea supposed to get you a promotion?” “You got another pair of shoes. Seriously?” They have (or demand) full access because they don’t trust you This can look like demanding to read your texts, emails, diary, or have access to your social media accounts. Examples: “I need your password so I know I can trust you.” “Couples shouldn’t have secrets.” “Let me see your texts from last night or we’re over.” They play the victim A manipulative partner will take your words out of context and assign their own intent to your actions to make you feel like you were wrong and should apologize. Examples: “You have no right to feel hurt, I’m the one who’s hurting!” “You’re always picking on me!” “This is your fault, like always!” They say they just want to “protect” you (when really, they want control) From finances, disagreements with friends, and personal issues--an unhealthy partner will try to solve everything for you as a way of making you think you can’t get by without them. Examples: “It’s for your own good.” “You only have $20.00 left to spend this week.” “You can’t solve this problem without me.” “I need to know where you are at all times.” They play emotional games Gaslighters twist your words until you feel you can’t trust your own memory, perception, and overall reality. Examples: “That never happened.” “I don’t remember you saying that.” “You’re too sensitive.” “Your friend is lying to you, can’t you see that?” “I know what you’re thinking and that’s not how it went.” They’re overly jealous, paranoid, or accusatory Your partner sees every interaction you have as being flirtatious and might also try to make you jealous. Examples: “Just so you know, I have an attractive new coworker you might worry about.” “I’m not paranoid, you were obviously flirting.” “You wanted to be alone with Brandon for a reason, I’m not stupid.” They keep score A controlling partner will be tallying up each person’s “points” regarding things like gift giving, chores, outings, or general behaviors and use them against you. Examples: “I got you two gifts this year, I deserve to get this one thing for myself.” “I did all the laundry this month and you can’t even do the dishes?” “I didn’t get mad when you said that so you have no right to be mad at me now.” They make threats They make threats of leaving, kicking you out, cutting off “privileges,” harming you, or harming themselves if you behave in a certain way. Example: “I’ll let everybody know what kind of person you really are.” “I’ll kill myself if you walk out that door.” “You’ll pay for this.” They love you conditionally This is a way of saying: you, as you are, are not good enough. Examples: “If you lose more weight you’ll be more attractive to me and then we’ll make love.” “You’d be prettier if you did your hair right.” “If you finished college you could be a better conversationalist and I’d be happy to introduce you to my parents.” They are argumentative Manipulators will talk you in circles until you’ll get so tired of arguing that you’ll just give in to whatever they want. Examples: “I’m not arguing, I’m discussing.” “Calm down, I was kidding. You can’t take a joke.” “Can you hear yourself?!” “You need to learn to communicate better.”