Throughout life, sometimes we hurt the people closest to us, including friends, relatives, or even coworkers and classmates. Apologizing after you have made a mistake can be difficult but it is necessary. You can offer a genuine apology by reflecting on what happened, accepting responsibility, and offering solutions to move forward in your relationship. [1]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Preparing for the Conversation
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Take some time to think about what you did. Immediately after a fight or problem occurs, emotions tend to be the highest, but you cannot offer a truly sincere apology unless you have a full understanding of what you did that was wrong. This will prevent you from apologizing for something that you don’t mean and will also help you begin the process of self-improvement.
- Be sure to take responsibility for your role in the argument. [2]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. How you apologize will depend on how you may have wronged the person. For example, you may want to compensate your friend monetarily or by finding another way to correct your mistake along with apologizing for it. - Write a list of every reason your friend could possibly be upset. [3] X Research source
- Meditation can also be helpful. After an argument, your mind can be in a frenzy. Take a few moments to quiet your thoughts. Sit in your room in silence and close your eyes. Think about the problem that occurred and your role in it. This will provide you greater clarity on the issue.
- Be sure to take responsibility for your role in the argument. [2]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
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Write out your thoughts. Sometimes, merely thinking about the issue is not enough. Get out your journal and write out your feelings including, how you feel about your friend, yourself, and the fight. This can help you gather your thoughts in an organized and constructive way. [4] X Research source
- In addition to writing these lists, you could also consider writing a poem or a song to express your feelings.
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Talk to someone you trust. Sometimes, the greatest clarity can be provided by those who are outside of the situation. Parents and grandparents often have greater wisdom from all of their life experiences and have very likely encountered a similar situation. They will be able to give you insight on how to apologize and rectify the situation.
- You might say something to them like “Me and my friend just got into a fight and I was wrong and want to apologize. Do you have any advice on how to fix it?”
- They will also be able to provide you greater insight about yourself. Perhaps they have noticed that you have a tendency to be hotheaded, and your fight with your friend was rooted in this particular behavior of yours. Take the time to listen to those older and wiser than you to gain perspective about yourself so that you can improve.
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Put yourself in their shoes. In preparing for a truly genuine apology, consider the situation from your friend’s perspective. [5] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. There is a tendency in arguments to be very “me” focused, but this is never helpful in restoring and improving your relationship. Instead, focus on how your friend might be feeling and respond to those feelings when you apologize. [6] X Research source- For example, if you lost your friend’s favorite pair of shoes, they are likely not only just upset, but may also feel that they can’t trust you any longer with their things. When you apologize, you should acknowledge that your friend may not trust you anymore but that you intend to restore that trust and be dependable in the future.
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Reflect on past arguments. It is important that in considering this issue in your relationship that you don’t think of it as an isolated incident. Often times, indicators of problems exist before the problem ever actually occurs. Take some time to reflect on the events that built up to this situation and how it could have been prevented. This can also be helpful when you apologize as you will need to not only apologize for this last incident but for your role in what led up to it as well, especially if you have done something similar to them in the past.
- For instance, if your friend is mad at you for telling one of their secrets, think back on if you have ever gossiped about others before. Telling other people’s business is a gateway to doing that to someone that you love.
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Set aside time. Now that you have thought fully about the issue and what you did wrong, it’s time to reach out to your friend to talk. These conversations are best to be had in person, but you may find that your friend is not ready for this talk yet, which is understandable. Ask them a time that is good for them and also offer to talk on the phone as an option.
- Call them or send them a text and say “I want you to know that I regret what I’ve done and I’m so sorry. I’ve thought a lot about what I’ve done and I would really like if we could meet up to talk.”
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Offering a Genuine Apology
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Say what you’re sorry for. After all of the self-reflection that you’ve done, you should be prepared to articulate exactly what you have done wrong. Tell your friend what you wish you hadn’t done and be very specific with them. [7] X Research source
- Vague apologies often feel insincere and poorly thought out. Your friend will appreciate much more if you offer a very specific acknowledgment of what you did wrong. [8]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. - You might say something like “I am sorry for calling you that name. It was rude of me to do and I did not mean it.”
- Vague apologies often feel insincere and poorly thought out. Your friend will appreciate much more if you offer a very specific acknowledgment of what you did wrong. [8]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
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Admit responsibility. Even in an apology, there is still the human deserve to self-preserve. Instead of being defensive, admit all of the ways that you were wrong without backtracking. [9] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. This will help the apology go more smoothly. Be as honest as possible. [10] X Research source- Many fall victim to playing “tit for tat” with their friend, by saying things like “Well, if you hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have done that.” This will reverse any apology that you have offered and will immediately make your friend upset all over again.
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Give up the need to be right. Even if you feel that you have some justification for what you did, this does not negate the fact that you hurt someone close to you. At a later point, your friend may ask you why you did what you did, and at that time, you can offer them your rationale. However, in the moment of an apology, justifying why you did something bad is only hurtful and will likely prolong the fight. [11] X Research source
- Do not try to explain yourself. Keep it simple and move on.
- Don’t offer excuses. Making excuses for hurting someone is never helpful during an apology and is only a mechanism for blame-shifting. Accept the blame for what you have done and keep it moving.
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Avoid common apology mistakes. In addition to making excuses and being defensive, there are other mistakes that you can make in apologizing. Some of these include saying things like “I’m sorry you felt that way”, “I’m sorry you’re so easily upset” and “I never mean to hurt you” [12] X Research source . These false forms of apologizing give partial responsibility to the injured party for what happened and can feel very insincere in the moment. Avoid making these statements at all cost and instead apologize directly for what YOU have done.
- An example of an appropriate apology is “I’m sorry for leaving you at the party without asking you if you wanted to go. We went there together and I should have talked to you before leaving alone. I apologize for that.”
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Listen to understand further. [13] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. Though you have reflected on the issued on and yourself, you still may not be fully aware of their issue with you. Take some time during this conversation to truly listen to the ways in which you have hurt them. This last incident could just have been the last straw for them, but there could have been other times that you were rude to them that you haven’t considered.- Ask if there is any way you can make it up to them in the future, or if there is anything you can do to prevent something similar from happening again.
- Apologize for the ways you have hurt them apart from this latest issue. Think critically about what they are saying to you so that you don’t apologize just to end the conversation. Make sure that any “I’m sorry” you offer is genuine.
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Monitor your gestures and facial expressions. When having this conversation in person, be sure to practice open and positive body language. Simple techniques like leaving your arms and legs uncrossed are great ways to express openness and to demonstrate body language that is relaxed and calm. [14] X Research source
- Also, look at them in the eyes when they are speaking, but break your gaze every so often to look around. No one likes to be stared at but people also want to feel that you are paying attention to them.
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Offer your friendship. Once you feel that the conversation between the two of you has reached a level of mutual understanding and positivity, re-offer your friendship to them. This can be a great way to move forward from the conversation and remind them that you do still want to be friends.
- You might say something like “Again, I just wanted to reiterate that I am so sorry for hurting you and that it won’t happen again. However, I don’t want this situation to define us. Would you consider being my friend again?
- Though they are likely to accept, be understanding if they don’t. They are within their rights to refuse friendship with you especially if you have done something very bad to them.
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Write a letter if necessary. You may find that your friend does not want to speak to you in person or on the phone, and you must respect their decision. However, this does not mean that you should avoid apologizing. Take some time to write them a heartfelt letter acknowledging what you have done, apologizing for it, and offering solutions to repair your friendship. You can either mail them the letter or leave it in their locker if you are classmates.
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Make amends financially if necessary. If you broke something of theirs or took something from them and lost it, you should do all that you can to purchase a new one for them. Some things cannot be replaced like family heirlooms, but if it can, you should do all in your power to replace it.
- If necessary, ask your parents to borrow money so that you can buy for them what you broke or lost.
- You can also get a part-time or temporary job to earn enough money to buy it yourself. Your friend will respect you all the more for it and you will be able to set right the wrong that you made.
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Give them space. Even if the conversation went well, you may find that your friend still needs some time to think, and perhaps you do as well. Respect your friend enough to give them the time that they need to process and they will likely come back around to you soon.
- Avoid being clingy or smothering them. They will return to you in their own time and your friendship will be the better for it.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Moving Forward in Your Relationship
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Avoid future issues. Take the issues your friend discussed with you in your conversation to heart to prevent having fights in the future and to reestablish the trust between the two of you. Be careful to not repeat old mistakes again, but to learn from them instead and move forward. [15] X Research source
- For example, if you know they get upset when you take their things without asking, then be very sure to not do that in the future.
- Also, if there are any things you need to work on to improve yourself, begin that process. For instance, if you are very forgetful and regularly forget plans with your friend, then invest in a planner or use your phone to set reminders for you. Being proactive will help to rebuild your friend’s trust in you by showing them that you are taking concrete steps to avoid a similar situation.
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Keep your promises. During your apology, you very likely made certain promises to your friend that you would either avoid rude behavior or begin doing things differently in the future. In renewing your friendship with this person, it is important that you keep and continue to keep these promises that you made not only to avoid an argument but to preserve your friendship for the long haul. [16] X Research source
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Reflect on good memories. Take some time with your friend to reflect on the great memories that you have shared with one another. This would be a great time to bring out your photo album or look at your mutual photos on social media. Sit and reminisce with your friend to remind each other of these times and the good times to come.
- You can even try using a little humor to lighten up the situation and reconnect with the person after making an apology.
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Do fun things you used to do. In addition to reflecting, go out and recreate those fun memories! If you and your friend love to go to the beach, play sports, or go out to the movies, do all of those things again. This is a great way to remind each other of why you became friends in the first place and to move on from your fight.
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Forgive yourself. In focusing on getting your friend to forgive you, it can be easy to be consumed with guilt over your actions. However, if you know that you have done all in your power to make amends with this person, it is time to make amends with yourself, too. Beating yourself about something won’t improve the situation, but will likely make it worse. Forgive yourself! [17] X Research sourceAdvertisement
Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan a friendship recover after you make a big mistake?Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.If you have done something where you genuinely feel like you need to apologize, you have to be able to listen to how your friend feels and remain apologetic. The amount of hurt and pain someone can cause another person is very subjective and very massive. If you apologize and listen to them, I think you can come out on the other side and build a stronger friendship.
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QuestionHow do I apologize after hurting the only person who was there for me when I had suicidal thoughts?Community AnswerSay you're sorry for whatever happened, and try to explain (without making excuses for yourself). Tell them that you truly appreciate everything they've done for you and that you really hope they can accept your apology and move past this.
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QuestionMy uncle and I were talking and I said, "You guys only care about me because you want me to watch your kids." I didn't mean to say it to be rude, he was mad about it. How do I apologize?Community AnswerSay something like, "I apologize for saying you don't care about me. My feelings were hurt, but it was rude for me to say it like that. I hope we can spend more quality time together in the future."
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Tips
- Give them space.Thanks
- Don't get mad if they say no.Thanks
- Don’t yell or argue with them.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pura-vida/201105/the-forgiveness-protocol-how-apologize-when-you-have-hurt-or-harmed-another
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/our-empathic-nature/201411/how-stop-fighting-your-partner
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-robbins/power-of-empathy-_b_1015610.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/winifred-m-reilly/how-to-apologize-and-mean_b_12408322.html
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/trick-that-will-make-your-next-apology-better.html
- ↑ http://lifehacker.com/how-to-get-your-relationship-back-on-track-after-a-terr-1689055561
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/worst-thing-to-say-during-apology_us_578574a0e4b08608d332257f
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/open_body.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/02/how-to-apologize/470457/
- ↑ http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/how-to-forgive-yourself-no-matter-what
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