How to Deal With Finding out Somebody You Love Is Gay

Last Updated: July 7, 2022

When somebody you love comes out, it can be a confusing experience. As a parent, you may be in doubt, shock, or confusion after your child comes out as gay. You tell yourself nothing can stop you from caring for your friend, child, cousin - whomever.

1

Remain calm.

Even if the news of your loved one's sexuality is a shock, try to take it calmly. Coming out is a difficult process, and getting angry or upset will just make it worse. This is probably one of the most difficult conversations of all of your lives, and so if you can hear what is being said and try to stay calm, it will go easier for all concerned.
- Don't shout, yell, or tell them to go away. Instead, sit down and discuss with them. Coming out can be a difficult experience for all parties. Don't make it traumatic for them by lashing out or shouting.
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2

Ask respectful questions if you're confused.

If you're confused or you have questions, respectfully ask your loved one. They likely want to answer any questions you have and help you understand them. Many common questions you might ask include:
- Is this my fault? It's never someone's "fault" for being gay or LGBTQ--that's just who someone is. There is nothing someone can do to stop, prevent, or change somebody who is LGBTQ, and there's nothing someone can do to "cause" this.
- Am I a bad parent? Someone can't cause their child to "become gay" due to bad parenting. Many parents blame themselves, worrying that they could have done something different and produced a heterosexual child. Parents do not cause their children to be gay. All factual evidence will say that sexuality is simply a natural part of someone (like eye color), and certainly isn't within the control of anyone to cause someone else to be gay.

3

Don't try to change them.

There is no choice whatsoever with sexuality. Don't pretend you didn't hear it and continue trying to set your relative/friend up with someone they don't want to date. This sounds harsh, but if you want to have a good, honest, authentic relationship with your loved one, you will need to stay grounded in reality.
- This sort of grasping and hope that simply "meeting the right person" will "set them straight" is futile, and only strains relations between the two of you further.
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4

Keep their sexuality private if you're told to.

Ask if they would like their sexuality to be kept private or not. Ask whether you can share their sexuality with others or not. Your friend may want to stay in control of who knows what for now, and so it's important you don't just break their trust in you by telling others that they are gay without their permission.
- When you tell someone else about someone's sexuality without permission, this is called "outing," and can be extremely hurtful.

5

Seek support if you need to.

If receiving the disclosure hasn't gone well and has caused a rift between you and your loved one, you might find counselling helpful. It might help to talk to other parents of LGBTQ children, and there are helplines as well as parent support groups such as PFLAG .

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6

Show support.

After someone comes out, it's likely that your support is what they want. Give your loved one a hug and say you love/care for them no matter what. When it comes down to it all, support is the most important thing to give them. Be there for them when they need you and show that you care.

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I don't know if my nephew's parents know he is gay. I just found out and I am sad his life will be harder!

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His life may be a little harder, but things are getting better all the time. Don't say anything to him (or his parents) about your own worries or feelings about his sexuality. Ask him in private if he's told his parents, and if he hasn't, offer to help him tell them. If he's not ready to tell them, that's okay. Just let him know you support him no matter.

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What if the discussion has already had a negative start? What if I just can't come to terms with it immediately?

Luna Rose

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Say, "I was surprised by the news, and I'm sorry if you were hurt by anything I said. I'm trying to get over some personal hang-ups, and that's not your fault." This shows them that you care about them and want to accept them, and makes it clear that any of your personal issues are not a reflection on them. Look for resources like GLAAD and PFLAG to help you come to terms with this new information. Remember, your loved one told you this because they trusted you, and hoped for unconditional acceptance and love. Communicate that you love them and don't judge them, even if you're having struggles on a personal level.

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If he hasn't said anything to me yet, should I ask him if he's gay?

Luna Rose

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No, because he may not know it yet, or he might not be ready to leave the closet. Let him come out to you on his own terms (if he really is gay). If you want him to know that it's okay to talk to you, it can help to casually mention an LGBT-related topic and voice an accepting opinion, such as "I think it's silly that they won't let trans kids use the restrooms they want" or "I hope they pass that bill to prevent discrimination against same-gender couples that want to adopt." This suggests that you're an ally and a safe person to tell, if (and only if!) the gay person is ready.

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Tips

If it's a same-gender friend, don't immediately assume they like you. Although they might, now is not the time to ask.

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Don't trick yourself into believing your child's sexuality is "just a phase". Being LGBTQ is very rarely a phase.

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How to Deal With Finding out Somebody You Love Is Gay

Steps

Remain calm.

Ask respectful questions if you're confused.

Don't try to change them.

Keep their sexuality private if you're told to.

Seek support if you need to.

Show support.

Community Q&A

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