How to Deal with an Abusive Wife

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

Being married to an abuser can make you feel hopeless and alone. You are not alone--many others have been where you've been. Protect yourself from an abusive wife by learning to voice your boundaries and recognize her triggers. If you want to leave the marriage, find out how to access resources and plan your escape. Whether you want to stay or leave, be sure to take advantage of different forms of support to care for yourself.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Protecting Yourself

PDF download Download Article
  1. There’s a chance that your wife may not see her behavior as abusive. Let her know that you are uncomfortable with the way she treats you. You can do this by speaking up about your discomfort and communicating the consequences if the behavior doesn't stop. [1]
    • For example, if your wife insults you, you might say, “Do not call me names. If you continue to do so, I will leave.”
    • Try to verbalize the boundary when the behavior is happening, so there is no confusion.
  2. Most abusive spouses have red flags that signal when the abuse may occur. Your wife, for instance, may be more likely to hit you when she has consumed alcohol. [2]
    • If you spot a trigger or red flag, get away from your wife. Leave the home and go someplace safe.
    • If you cannot leave the home, go to a room with a door that locks where can stay safe until your wife either leaves or calms down.
    Advertisement
  3. If your wife is being abusive, try to remain calm. One way to relieve tension and calm yourself is by practicing deep breathing . This exercise can be performed in the moment to help you collect yourself during the abuse. [3]
    • Breathe in deeply from your nose, hold the breath briefly, and then exhale through your mouth. Repeat this cycle several times to get better control of yourself.
  4. Being on the receiving end of abuse may be tough, but try your best not to act out with violence. Retaliation will not help your case. [4]
    • If you are a man who lays a hand on your wife, your chances of proving she's abusive fly out the window. The authorities will already be biased towards her, simply because women are more commonly the victims of abuse.
    • Whether you are a man or a woman, if she tries to engage you in a fight, walk away. If you hurt her, you may be the one who's arrested.
  5. Identify someplace you can go when your wife is being abusive. This place could be the home of a friend, relative, or neighbor, or a public place like a park or library. [5]
    • If you have children, you might bring them along, especially if you think they are in danger. Letting them listen to continuous arguing is also not good for them.
  6. If your abusive wife is threatening the lives of you or your children or brandishing a weapon, you need to get help. Don't assume the threats are empty or refuse to call the authorities because you worry they won't believe you. Call the police right away. [6]
    • It's important to take action because reporting the abuse shows your wife that you are serious about carrying out consequences. It also helps you collect evidence because the officer will have to file an official report of the incident.
    • Do not be embarrassed to report that you are being abused by your wife. Abuse can happen to anyone, including men.
    7. Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Escaping the Abuse

PDF download Download Article
  1. It's important to obtain evidence that the abuse is happening. Doing so will help build a case against your wife, and ensure that you're not the one who's accused of abuse. [7]
    • Write down dates and times when the abuse happens. Take photographs of your injury and see a doctor to have the incident included in your medical record.
    • If another adult witnessed the abuse, ask for an account for your records.
    • If your wife sends abusive text messages or emails, save them.
    • If the abuse is emotional, try to describe what your wife does in as much detail as you can.
  2. Contact local domestic violence programs to see if they can offer help in getting away from your abusive wife. Many such programs cater to women. However, you should be able to locate some community programs that assist men, if you are a male victim of domestic violence. [8]
    • Such programs can help you plan your escape, offer support, and provide legal aid so that you can obtain an order of protection against your wife. If you have children, they may help you get temporary custody (as long as the abuse is well-documented).
    • For more help finding resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. [9]
  3. In the heat of the moment, you won't be able to gather the practical items needed to leave your wife. Instead, pack bags containing what you and your children will need ahead of time. [10]
    • Your bags might include clothing, cash, and important documents, such as insurance cards and birth certificates.
    • If you plan to take your children, go over the exit plan with them ahead of time. Consider their ages when explaining the purpose of the plan to them.
  4. Think about where you will go and who you will call when you decide to leave your abusive wife. Prepare a list of emergency phone numbers and contact info for your close friends and family. [11]
    • Let your emergency contacts know your exit plan. You might need to get a person to pick you up if you don't have a vehicle. Then, you will need to determine where you will go, such as a shelter or the home of a relative.
  5. Once you have decided to leave the abuser, avoid letting her know your whereabouts as doing so could be dangerous for you and your children. To keep your whereabouts a secret, it might be best to go to a shelter or a relative's home that your spouse doesn't know about. That way, it's less likely that she will find you.
    • You should also avoid contacting her after leaving. Leave any further discussions to the police or your legal representative.
  6. Abusive partners rarely change. However, if your wife admits her behavior is wrong and agrees to get professional help, there may be hope for your marriage. If your spouse denies the abuse or refuses to change, the healthiest choice for you is to file for divorce. [12]
    • If you would like to end your marriage with an abusive wife, talk to a lawyer to find out your legal rights. Depending on where you live, you may have to live apart from your wife for a period of time before a divorce will be granted. [13]
    • Having evidence and witnesses present to testify to the abuse helps your case because it won't just be your word against your wife's.
    • Do not jump back into the relationship based on her promises to change. A temporary separation may be necessary to bring about the change.
    7. Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Getting Support

PDF download Download Article
  1. Talk to your loved ones about what's happening at home. Ask them for financial assistance, a place to stay, or a shoulder to cry on, if you need that, too. [14]
    • If you are a male victim of domestic violence, you may feel embarrassed about the abuse. You shouldn't be. Keeping the abuse a secret will only lead to further isolation and lack of support.
  2. Professional counseling is a smart option for victims of abuse. Whether you decide to stay or leave, you may struggle to come to grips with your situation and feel confused as to how you should move forward. A counselor can offer practical guidance and support. [15]
    • Ask your family doctor for a referral to a mental health counselor or ask for recommendations from the staff at your domestic violence shelter.
  3. You may feel less isolated in your situation if you reach out to others who understand. Look up domestic violence support groups in your area or online. [16]
    • Group members may help you come to terms with the abuse and offer practical advice, such as learning to be a single parent or finding lawyers to handle a divorce.
  4. Build a self-care routine to heal. Abuse leaves emotional scars, even if the physical ones have healed. You can recover from domestic abuse by adopting healthy practices that help you to nurture and express yourself. [17]
    • Add nourishing physical activities to your daily routine like yoga, dance, or boxing. Do relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness meditation . You might also enjoy creative pursuits like writing, painting, coloring apps, or online puzzles or games.
    5. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Outsmart a Narcissist
      11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist
      How to
      Beat a Narcissist
      What to Do If Someone Is Blackmailing You: How to Stop a Blackmailer
      How to
      Ignore a Narcissist & How They’ll Respond
      When a Narcissist Loses Control: What to Expect and How to Get Control Back
      How to
      Turn the Tables on a Gaslighter
      11 Ways to Drive a Narcissist Nuts
      How to
      Prove Emotional Abuse
      How to
      Frighten a Narcissist: 13 Tactics to Use
      Dealing with Mind Games: Constructive Ways to Protect Yourself
      How to
      Stop a Verbally Abusive Husband
      How to
      Cope With a Controlling Person
      How to
      Deal with Workplace Bullying and Harassment
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/your-verbally-abusive-wife-what-can-you-do/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4386/A-Simple-Breathing-Exercise-to-Calm-Your-Mind-Body.html
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/
      9. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-change-possible-in-an-abuser/
      4. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/how-to-prove-nonphysical-abuse-in-court#.WfzrmdKnGM8
      5. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/
      6. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/your-verbally-abusive-wife-what-can-you-do/
      7. ↑ http://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-q-and-a/relationships-and-marriage/my-wife-is-physically-abusive
      8. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/2016/03/31/5-self-care-tips-for-abuse-and-trauma-survivors/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      No one should have to deal with an abusive wife. If you’re being abused physically or emotionally, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. It’s important to set boundaries for unacceptable behaviors, like name calling, physical violence, or invasions of privacy. Calmly let your wife know that you won’t accept these things in the future. Whenever she crosses a boundary, walk away from the situation. Shut yourself in a different room or leave the house and go to a safe place. Don’t argue with her or retaliate, since this will make things worse. If you’re in physical danger, call the police, since your wife has no right to treat you that way. If you don’t see any improvement in her behavior after you’ve set boundaries, consider separating from her. This can be really hard when you love someone, but it’s important to protect yourself from toxic behaviors. For more tips from our co-author, including how to get support from other people, read on.

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 140,287 times.

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement