Do you have a friend, acquaintance, or coworker who drains your energy whenever you’re around them? This type of person is sometimes called an emotional vampire (also occasionally referred to as an energy vampire or psychic vampire ). In this article, we’ll explore this type of personality in depth, including the different types of emotional vampirism, signs you’re dealing with an emotional vampire and how to deal with it, and what to do if you think you might be an emotional vampire yourself. We also talked to licensed clinical psychologist Allison Broennimann, PhD, and got her thoughts on emotional vampirism and how to go about navigating manipulative behavior and gaslighting in others—and in yourself. Keep reading to learn more!
Emotional Vampire Meaning
An emotional vampire is a person who drains other people’s energy through emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and seeking constant attention. Emotional vampires often don’t realize they’re manipulative, but their behavior can leave others feeling insecure, exhausted, anxious, and depressed.
Steps
Signs Someone Is an Emotional Vampire
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1They feel the need to be the center of attention. Because emotional vampires crave attention and may feel anxious not being the focal point of a social interaction, they’ll often steer conversations back to themselves, or even interrupt or talk over others to get everyone’s attention back onto them. They may even behave purposefully dramatically to get everyone’s focus back onto them. [3] X Research source
- For instance, an emotional vampire may pretend to trip during a party if they feel they aren’t getting enough attention, thus ensuring they not only get everyone’s attention, but their sympathy as well.
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2They play the victim in every situation. Emotional vampires may claim the sympathy of others by portraying themselves as martyrs or as being unluckier than others, and may dismiss your own problems by suggesting what you’re dealing with isn’t as bad as what they’re going through. They may also refuse to take responsibility for something they've done wrong when confronted, instead flipping the blame back to you. [4] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, if you mention to them that you had a nightmare the previous night, they may say, “You’re lucky, I have nightmares every night.”
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3They're passive-aggressive. Emotional vampires often employ passive-aggressive behavior to get what they want or express displeasure because they aren't equipped to be direct, or are too afraid to confront you head-on. [5] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source This can be extremely frustrating and confusing, and could leave you questioning your relationship with them and even your sense of reality.
- For instance, say you ask a coworker with emotionally vampiric tendencies if they can stay late to help you wrap up an important project.
- They may respond, "Sure thing," but then they may be sullen and distant from you the rest of the day, or loudly express to everyone how they're so unappreciated and nobody respects their time.
- They're being passive-aggressive because they didn't actually want to stay late, but they didn't know how to say so. Meanwhile, you're racking your brains trying to figure out what on earth happened!
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4They use all-or-nothing thinking. Some emotional vampires view everything in extremes and may struggle to see nuance because they're constantly on the defensive. It can be difficult to talk to someone who doesn't see gray areas, but only views things as black or white (also known as "dichotomous thinking"). [6] X Research source
- For instance, if you say, "I can't hang out today, but I can next week," they may view this as you not wanting to be friends rather than as you communicating boundaries or negotiating with them.
- Or if one bad thing happens to them in a day (say, their favorite café is closed and they have to go somewhere else for lunch), they may view the day as totally ruined.
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5You feel bad about yourself around them. Spending time with an emotional vampire can make you feel anxious, depressed, or pessimistic. Emotional vampires often rely on weakening your boundaries and self-esteem to make you more pliant or to make themselves feel better. If you regularly feel bad about yourself around someone, ask yourself if it’s because they want you to.
- Remember many emotional vampires are unlikely to lower your self-esteem through direct criticism. Instead, they may make you doubt yourself through invalidating your experiences, voicing veiled insults, or subtly belittling you. [7] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, a comment like, “Oh, Margaret, you’re Miss Reliable! Any time we go out, I can count on you to wear the same exact dress,” even when spoken cheerfully, may leave you doubting your sense of style and whether you look good.
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6You second-guess all your interactions with them. Because emotional vampires rely so often on manipulation tactics to get what they want, dealing with one is likely to leave you feeling uncertain where you stand and unsure of their motives. You may feel the need to second-guess everything they say and do and find yourself on edge when interacting with them. [8] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, you might take a comment like “I’ve never been to your house” at face value when spoken by another acquaintance.
- But the same sentence from an emotional vampire may leave you wondering if they’re trying to hint that they want to be invited over, or that they resent the fact you’ve never had them over.
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7They gaslight you. Because you’re never sure where you stand with this person or whether they want something from you, you may feel uncertain about reality when spending time with them. Additionally, an emotional vampire may manipulate you into doubting your own experiences, especially if you’re trying to confront them about something they’ve done. [9] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, you might say to a friend, “Hey, Chad, yesterday you said you couldn’t help me move as planned because you were leaving town, but then I saw you out with Becky? Can we talk about that?”
- If they’re an emotional vampire, they may reply, “I’m a little uncomfortable that you’re asking me about this. I think I need to set a personal boundary here,” deflecting the blame back onto you and making you wonder whether you’ve overstepped by bringing the situation up at all.
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8They make you feel exhausted. Just being around an emotional vampire can be incredibly draining and frustrating. “You [have] to excessively go out of your way to make room for yourself in their presence,” Broennimann says, “and there is no reciprocity of a normal connection.” Because many emotional vampires are all take and no give, you may leave an interaction feeling as if you’ve offered emotional support that’s never reciprocated, as if you’re their diary or therapist.
- Moreover, because they may twist situations to fit their version of reality, garner sympathy, or be the center of attention, you may find yourself jumping through mental and emotional hoops to make sense of their behavior and maintain your grip on reality, which can be extremely exhausting.
Expert Q&A
Tips
References
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/verbal-abuse
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
- ↑ https://manhattancbt.com/all-or-nothing-thinking/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/4-7-8-breathing
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/energy-vampire-work-tips
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/energy-vampire-work-tips
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_avoid_the_empathy_trap
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_avoid_the_empathy_trap
- ↑ https://magazine.clevelandclinic.org/2023-fall/cultivate-gratitude
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/could-you-be-depressed
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/could-you-be-depressed