What Happens When You Reject a Narcissist?

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Understand how a narcissist may act when they can no longer control you
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Are you wondering how someone with narcissistic traits responds to rejection? Or are you feeling anxious about how to handle their reaction to your rejection? If so, we're here to help. People with narcissistic tendencies often fear rejection above all else. [1] We’ll explain how to navigate this situation and explain all the possible ways that someone with narcissistic traits may respond to rejection. Just keep in mind that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) requires a clinical diagnosis and displaying narcissistic behaviors doesn't automatically make someone a "narcissist."
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid. Check out the full interview here.

How does a narcissist respond to rejection?

  1. They may feel hurt and betrayed by a perceived lack of loyalty from others.
  2. They might act totally unaffected and like they no longer need this individual.
  3. They could shift the blame onto or gaslight the other person.
  4. They may give fake apologies or make grandiose gestures.
  5. They could lash out with anger or even violence.
1

They feel betrayed.

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    When you don’t provide them with the loyalty and admiration they think they deserve, someone with narcissistic qualities can feel hurt and betrayed. Narcissistic traits come from a place of deep woundedness, and rejection can unearth those wounds. [2]
    • These feelings of hurt might not be understandable to the person who’s actually experiencing them. Instead of accepting that rejection is a normal thing to be upset about, someone who struggles with narcissistic behaviors might deny it and insist that they’re not upset, even if their behavior tells a different story. [3]
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2

They act like they’re unaffected.

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    When they’re hurt by rejection, these individuals may cultivate a posture of “defensive independence,” meaning that they pretend like they don’t need anyone else in their life. [4] In truth, someone with narcissistic traits needs other people more than they know—who else can provide them with the admiration and support that they crave? But to maintain this act, they might tell other people things like:
    • “She doesn’t matter—there are a ton of other girls that are into me and are way hotter.”
    • “I don’t care about his friendship. He’s boring anyways.”
    • “I don’t want my daughter to call me. I’ve got enough problems of my own.”
    • Remember that someone’s dismissal of your relationship to them says more about them than it does about you. If a person in your life says something like this, chalk it up to their own insecurities and try to move on.
3

They shift the blame.

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    People with narcissistic traits often struggle to take accountability for their own mistakes, so they’re more likely to pin them on you. This approach can really affect your self-worth, because you might be made to feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault. They might say something like: [5]
    • “I didn’t do anything wrong, you just expect everyone else to take care of you.”
    • “You’re the one who’s been selfish in this relationship.”
    • “It’s not my fault that you didn’t communicate better with me.”
    • When someone shifts blame to you in a narcissistic way, it can lead you into unhealthy and guilty patterns of thinking. Spending time with other friends and family members who treat you with care can make you feel better and remind you of what good relationships look like.
    • However, keep in mind that sometimes you may actually be at fault in certain scenarios. Rather than labeling someone as a narcissist just because they’re upset with you, take a close look at whatever conflict you’ve found yourself in and consider whether you may have had a hand in the issue or if this other individual is completely warping the narrative to pin it on you. It may help to talk with an honest and trusted friend to get their outside perspective.
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4

They gaslight you.

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    This occurs because some people with narcissistic tendencies lack an understanding of intersubjectivity, or that you have an experience that may differ from theirs. [6] Because they can’t comprehend that you and they might see things a different way, they’ll try and make you feel crazy. For example: [7]
    • After being rejected for a date, they might say, “I don’t know how you could have thought I was ever into you like that.”
    • If they feel rejected by a friend, they might say, “You were always trying to be my best friend, and I’m sorry I gave you a chance.”
    • If their child rejects them, a parent might say, “I was always the best dad to you, but you were never grateful.”
    • If someone is trying to gaslight you, it can be useful to talk to a friend you trust about the situation before responding . They can give you an outside perspective that will keep you from doubting yourself.
5

They lash out.

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    When it comes to individuals who have been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), there are two ways in which this mental health condition may manifest. Grandiose narcissists may become angered by challenges to their self-esteem. Vulnerable narcissists may become enraged by abandonment. Because rejection threatens both self-esteem and fears of abandonment, someone with NPD might react by becoming violently angry, shouting, or calling you names. [8]
    • Dealing with narcissistic rage can be very scary, and it’s important to prioritize your safety. If someone is attacking you, try to de-escalate the situation by telling them that you’ll revisit the conversation later, and then leave the room as quickly and safely as possible.
    • Keep in mind, however, that some people lash out in angry and even violent ways without having an NPD diagnosis. These types of rageful reactions are not exclusive to NPD, so avoid labeling your friend, partner, or family member as a narcissist if they don’t have a legitimate diagnosis.
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6

They try to hurt your reputation.

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    If you’ve spent a long time in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, you may have already noticed if they have a tendency to tear you down in front of other people. [9] Unfortunately, this behavior can continue after a rejection, and they might even spread rumors about you to mutual friends or acquaintances.
    • If someone is spreading rumors about you, try to take the high road. Doing the same thing back to a person can cause them to continue to draw out their smear campaign, so do your best to ignore what they say about you.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 744 wikiHow readers, and 72% of them agreed that the most effective way to ignore a narcissist is to cut off or limit your contact with them . [Take Poll]
7

They give you fake apologies.

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    However, people with narcissistic traits often aren’t very good at apologizing. A good apology requires an effort to understand someone else’s feelings, and since a lack of empathy is such a key symptom of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it’s tough for people with these traits to apologize in a genuine way. [10] Instead, someone with diagnosed NPD or with narcissistic traits might say something like:
    • “I’m sorry you took things the wrong way.”
    • “I’m sorry, but you’re being a little too sensitive.”
    • There is no reason to accept a fake apology. If someone tries to smooth things over in this way, say something like, “I’m not ready to forgive you at the moment,” and try to end the interaction.
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8

They treat you better than ever before.

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    This tactic is called “hoovering,” and it’s a way that a person may attempt to suck you back into a relationship when they feel like you might be slipping away. If you do get drawn in, this individual may return to undermining you, eventually discarding you before repeating the cycle again. [11]
    • Someone who is trying to hoover you can show genuine remorse, and say something like “I can’t believe I treated you that way. I want to earn back your trust.”
    • They could also buy you gifts to win you back.
    • The best way to avoid hoovering after rejecting them is to not give them the chance to suck you back in. You may want to tell them that you’re no longer willing to speak to them as often, or even go no-contact entirely.
9

They become obsessed with you.

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    When some individuals feel rejected, they may see getting your approval as the only way to restore the injury to their self-esteem. This can get dangerous: stalking is an extreme behavior that people with these tendencies can sometimes engage in. [12]
    • If anyone’s obsessive behavior has made you uncomfortable, start by blocking them on social media and on the phone. If they continue to harass you, you might want to consider filing for a restraining order to get legal protection.
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10

They try to get revenge.

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    They consider causing damage to your life and reputation to be retaliation for the “harm” your rejection caused them. This individual might choose to release intimate photos of you, spread rumors about you to your boss or coworkers, or find other ways to harass you. [13]
    • To stop harassment, consider taking legal action. Since the aggressor seemingly doesn’t respect boundaries, legal action may be the best way to ensure your security.
    • If someone has escalated their abuse with threats to your physical safety, please contact the police. You have a right to live free of abuse and threats.
    • Keep in mind that while some abusive or violent people may have clinical narcissist personality disorder (NPD), not everyone with NPD behaves this way and not everyone who behaves this way has NPD.
11

They move on to someone else.

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    Someone with narcissistic behaviors can sometimes move on very quickly after being rejected as they look for their next potential source of admiration. Because narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) causes individuals with this mental health condition to have extremely low self-esteem, they may often build relationships around admiration and subservience rather than genuine connection. [14]
    • If someone moves on a little too quickly after you reject them, think of it as a blessing in disguise. Your life will be a lot freer and more peaceful without having to attend to their needs.
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      Tips

      • Although people with narcissistic traits might avoid therapy, it may be a very beneficial thing for you to do. If you need a place to process your feelings and work toward recovering from your relationship with this individual, speak with a therapist or other mental health professional. [15]
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      • Remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Many people display some narcissistic traits, so someone in your life behaving in one of the ways listed above does not make them a narcissist, and avoid labeling them as such without a clinical diagnosis.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3811090/
      2. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_help_a_narcissist_to_forgive
      4. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8319504/
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      6. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      7. ↑ https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/sexual-assault-and-violence-prevention/gaslighting-what-does-it-mean
      8. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/2158244019846693
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      1. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      2. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      3. ↑ https://thebehaviourinstitute.com/stalking-what-is-the-psychology-behind-the-stalker/
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/02/11-manipulation-and-sabotage-tactics-of-narcissists-sociopaths-psychopaths-part-2#
      5. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      6. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.

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