Is My Mom a Narcissist?

Take this quiz to learn more.

Are you wondering whether your mom could be a narcissist? Narcissists are people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a mental health condition in which people have an unrealistic sense of their own importance.

Still, there’s a difference between narcissism and being a narcissist—narcissism is a spectrum, with only people on the very highest end of that qualifying as narcissists. We can’t make any official diagnoses, but this quiz can give you an idea of what traits to look out for—and where to start if you need help dealing with a narcissistic mother.

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Questions Overview

1. How does your mom react when you succeed at something or get rewarded for your achievements?
  1. She’s genuinely overjoyed for me!
  2. She congratulates me, but I can’t tell if it’s genuine.
  3. She dismisses my success, and I don’t feel very appreciated.
  4. She seems resentful and jealous, and tries to take credit.
2. How does your mom react when you try to express your feelings to her?
  1. She listens and takes me seriously.
  2. She listens but doesn’t always understand me.
  3. She listens but doesn’t always understand me.
  4. She gets defensive or angry, only thinking about her feelings.
3. Does your mom ever put unrealistically high expectations on you?
  1. Absolutely not! She doesn’t expect anything of me.
  2. Once or twice, but I think she just wants the best for me.
  3. Sometimes, and she seems upset if I don’t meet them.
  4. All the time, and she gets really angry if they aren’t met.
4. What’s your mom’s behavior like in social situations (mingling, chatting with friends or colleagues, etc.)?
  1. She’s always respectful and courteous.
  2. She likes the spotlight, but nothing too extreme.
  3. She tends to totally dominate conversations.
  4. She always controls conversations and talks down to other people.
5. Has your mother criticized you and blamed you for things that went wrong?
  1. No, she’s never like that.
  2. Once or twice, but only when she was really angry.
  3. Sometimes; it makes me wonder if I really am to blame.
  4. Many times, and it makes me feel like I’m the cause of her problems.
6. Does your mom treat you differently in public versus in private?
  1. No, she treats me the same—with love.
  2. She can be a little more withdrawn in private, but it’s rare.
  3. She’s usually warmer in public, but there’s not a huge difference.
  4. She’s definitely loving in public and detached in private.
7. What’s your mom’s behavior like when the two of you disagree?
  1. She listens to me and does her best to keep things calm.
  2. She sometimes gets upset but calms down soon enough.
  3. She gets very passive-aggressive; it makes me feel guilty.
  4. She gets upset to the point of insulting and verbally attacking me.
8. Does it ever feel like your mom is trying to compete with you?
  1. Never—she celebrates my achievements.
  2. I’m not sure. I can’t think of anything specific.
  3. Once or twice, but I didn’t want to say anything.
  4. Yes, often. She’s always trying to “one-up” me.
9. Do you ever feel like your mom gaslights you (or, does she try to make you question your perception of events or reality)?
  1. She’d never do that!
  2. She’s denied things before, but I don’t know if it was intentional.
  3. Sometimes, but she stops when I call her out.
  4. Yes, and she makes me feel confused constantly.
10. How does your mother react to criticism, even when it’s constructive?
  1. She listens to it and does her best to learn from it.
  2. She gets a little upset but seems to listen to it.
  3. She gets defensive and acts like she’s being attacked.
  4. She gets upset and tries to blame other people for the issue.
11. Do you feel like your mom is selfish?
  1. Nope! I’m grateful for everything she does for me.
  2. No more than the next person, I think.
  3. Maybe; she acts like I need her, even when I don’t.
  4. Yes. She finds a way to make everything about her.
12. Does your mom make you feel loved?
  1. Yes, unconditionally.
  2. Yes, though we’ve had rough patches.
  3. Sometimes she’s loving, but other times she isn’t.
  4. No, she’s pretty distant and detached toward me.

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Narcissistic people are typically arrogant, lack empathy, and are consistently jealous of others. They also often have an inflated sense of grandiosity and need lots of admiration; they feel the need to exaggerate their talent or achievements and are prone to manipulating others. Fortunately, your mom doesn\u2019t appear to do any of these things!

It\u2019s important to understand that narcissism is a spectrum; there are different levels of narcissistic behavior. Everyone has narcissistic traits (in addition to bad days or rough patches in life), so don\u2019t automatically assume your mom is a narcissist\u2014even if she makes a conversation about her once or twice. To be diagnosed as a narcissist, someone must fall on the highest end of the narcissistic spectrum, and it doesn\u2019t sound like that\u2019s your mom.

Nonetheless, if you have concerns about narcissism in your mother or any other family member, there are plenty of ways to learn more about how to cope and seek support. Check out our guides to dealing with narcissistic parents and telltale phrases narcissistic mothers might say.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person","id":2437721,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/98\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person"},{"title":"How to Help a Narcissist","id":10857738,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Help-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/1\/17\/Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg","alt":"How to Help a Narcissist"}],"minimum":0,"image":"","image_url":""},{"number":2,"text":"Your mom probably isn\u2019t a narcissist.","meaning":"Based on your answers, it seems like your mom might have a couple of narcissistic tendencies, but she\u2019s within a normal range.

Narcissistic people are typically arrogant, lack empathy, and are consistently jealous of others. They also often have an inflated sense of grandiosity and need lots of admiration; they feel the need to exaggerate their talent or achievements and are prone to manipulating others. Your answers indicate that your mom might not be the best at communicating with you, but she doesn\u2019t necessarily do all these things,

It\u2019s important to understand that narcissism is a spectrum; there are different levels of narcissistic behavior. Everyone has narcissistic traits (in addition to bad days or rough patches in life), so don\u2019t automatically assume your mom is a narcissist\u2014even if she has insecurities or makes a conversation about her sometimes. To be diagnosed as a narcissist, someone must fall on the highest end of the narcissistic spectrum. So, while your mom may have a couple of narcissistic traits, based on your results it seems like she probably wouldn\u2019t qualify as a narcissist.

Even so, if your mom\u2019s behavior bothers you, taking care of yourself is the first priority! You deserve to feel truly supported, loved, and cared for by the person guiding you in life. And, if you have concerns about narcissism in your mother or any other family member, there are plenty of ways to learn more about how to cope and seek support. Check out our guides to dealing with narcissistic parents and telltale phrases narcissistic mothers might say.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person","id":2437721,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/98\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person"},{"title":"How to Help a Narcissist","id":10857738,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Help-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/1\/17\/Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg","alt":"How to Help a Narcissist"}],"minimum":0,"image":"","image_url":""},{"number":3,"text":"Your mom may have a few narcissistic qualities.","meaning":"To be diagnosed as a narcissist, someone must fall on the highest end of the narcissistic spectrum. In your case, it seems like your mom has some narcissistic qualities, and it could really benefit your relationship (as well as her happiness and yours) if she worked on them. That said, it seems like she probably doesn\u2019t quite fall within the range of a personality disorder like NPD.

Narcissistic people are typically arrogant, lack empathy, and are consistently jealous of others. They also often have an inflated sense of grandiosity and need lots of admiration; they feel the need to exaggerate their talent or achievements and are prone to manipulating others. However, narcissism is a spectrum; there are different levels of narcissistic behavior. Everyone has narcissistic traits, some more than others.

Based on your answers, your mom\u2019s behavior may reflect a few narcissistic qualities. Ultimately, having narcissistic traits is normal\u2014it\u2019s when someone is on the very furthest end of the narcissistic spectrum that it becomes a personality disorder. Based on your answers, we can\u2019t definitively say whether she falls in a normal range or in the NPD range, but you may want to explore further here.

Just know that either way, her behavior isn\u2019t your fault or your responsibility. If you still worry that you might be dealing with a narcissistic parent, read this guide for more help and this guide to learn the telltale phrases narcissistic mothers might say.

By setting boundaries with your mom and seeking support from friends, other family, and people with whom you have healthy relationships, you can cope with any narcissistic qualities she may have. Remember to take care of yourself before anything else and prioritize your self-esteem. You\u2019ve got this!","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person","id":2437721,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/98\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person"},{"title":"How to Help a Narcissist","id":10857738,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Help-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/1\/17\/Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg","alt":"How to Help a Narcissist"}],"minimum":0,"image":"","image_url":""},{"number":4,"text":"Your mom could be a narcissist.","meaning":"Based on your answers, your mom\u2019s behavior reflects many narcissistic behaviors. While we can\u2019t diagnose anything or definitively say she has narcissistic personality disorder, it may be wise to explore her behavior further. Check out our guide to the process of understanding NPD and seeking a professional diagnosis.

Narcissistic people are typically arrogant, lack empathy, and are consistently jealous of others. They also often have an inflated sense of grandiosity and need lots of admiration; they feel the need to exaggerate their talent or achievements and are prone to manipulating others.

However, narcissism is a spectrum; everyone has narcissistic traits in one way or another, with narcissists (people with NPD) being solely at the highest end of the spectrum. Your mom\u2019s behavior seems to have some similarities to a narcissist, and it sounds problematic enough to be a cause for concern.

Whether or not she\u2019s a narcissist or just a difficult person, know her behavior isn\u2019t your fault or your responsibility. You aren\u2019t the problem, even if she makes it feel like you are\u2014and you deserve to feel good about yourself, not guilty or put down. Check out our guides to dealing with narcissistic parents as well as telltale phrases a narcissistic mom might say.

By setting boundaries with your mom and seeking support from friends, other family, and people with whom you have healthy relationships, you can cope with any narcissistic qualities she may have. Remember to take care of yourself before anything else and prioritize your self-esteem. We have faith in you, and you can get through this.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person","id":2437721,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/98\/Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Deal-with-a-Narcissist-Step-16-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person"},{"title":"How to Help a Narcissist","id":10857738,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Help-a-Narcissist","relUrl":"\/Help-a-Narcissist","image":"\/images\/thumb\/1\/17\/Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Help-a-Narcissist-Step-13.jpg","alt":"How to Help a Narcissist"}],"minimum":0,"image":"","image_url":""}]" class="quiz_results_data"/>\"Mental<\/picture>","alt":"Mental Health Quiz"},{"title":"Trauma Response Quiz","id":14354539,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Trauma-Response-Quiz","relUrl":"\/Trauma-Response-Quiz","image":"\"Trauma<\/picture>","alt":"Trauma Response Quiz"},{"title":"Do I Need Therapy Quiz","id":14632650,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Do-I-Need-Therapy","relUrl":"\/Do-I-Need-Therapy","image":"\"Do<\/picture>","alt":"Do I Need Therapy Quiz"}],"number":1},{"text":"I want to take more quizzes about the friends and family members in my life.","result":"Here are a few quizzes you might like. We hope the results are helpful!","next_quizzes":[{"title":"Toxic Family Test","id":14749873,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Toxic-Family-Test","relUrl":"\/Toxic-Family-Test","image":"\"Toxic<\/picture>","alt":"Toxic Family Test"},{"title":"Did My Parents Have a Negative Parenting Style Quiz","id":13840209,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Negative-Parenting-Test","relUrl":"\/Negative-Parenting-Test","image":"\"Negative<\/picture>","alt":"Did My Parents Have a Negative Parenting Style Quiz"},{"title":"Is My Friend Entitled Quiz","id":14701851,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Is-My-Friend-Entitled-Quiz","relUrl":"\/Is-My-Friend-Entitled-Quiz","image":"\"Is<\/picture>","alt":"Is My Friend Entitled Quiz"}],"number":2}]}" class="quiz_questionnaire_data"/>

More About Narcissism & Dealing with Narcissistic Mothers

Signs & Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

  • She treats you like an extension of herself. Normal parents express pride in their kids’ achievements, but narcissistic ones will celebrate kids’ achievements as their own. Similarly, if they feel like their child “fails” at something, they’ll act like it’s a reflection on them, too.
  • She criticizes you. If you have a narcissistic mother who treats you like an extension of herself, odds are she’s also highly critical, too. Narcissistic mothers have high expectations because they want to feel like they themselves are perfect—so they demand perfection from their kids and react critically when they feel something isn’t perfect.
  • She cares about her needs, not yours. Narcissistic parents often show a lack of empathy toward their kids; they don’t have much interest in their kids’ needs, likes, dislikes, and problems—instead, they’re more preoccupied with their own.
  • She’s manipulative. Narcissistic mothers can gaslight their kids, essentially denying that they’re acting a certain way or trying to convince the kids that they’re acting “crazy” when the kids get upset about something. Essentially, they may try to manipulate their children’s thoughts and feelings to warp their sense of reality.
  • She doesn’t respect boundaries. A narcissistic mother may ignore boundaries you try to set in order to get what she wants (whereas parents who understand boundaries would respect yours without trying to control you, even if they don’t agree with them).
  • She can’t take any criticism. Even though narcissistic mothers are critical of others, they tend to get enraged and defensive when that criticism is turned back on them. They may throw temper tantrums or just get extremely passive-aggressive in response.
  • She cares too much about appearances. Narcissistic people usually want to seem perfect and successful to others, so a narcissistic mother may go out of her way to give others the impression that she’s an amazing mom. Narcissistic moms may even treat their kids well in public, but act dismissive and detached in private.
  • She needs admiration. Narcissistic mothers may demand admiration from everyone, including their own kids. They may brag about themselves and remind their kids how wonderful they are (even if they really aren’t).
  • She’s overly competitive. Narcissistic mothers may compete with their own kids, or try to pit their children against one another instead.
  • She plays the victim. Narcissists often crave attention, so a narcissistic mother may try to get sympathy from other people and act like the victim in order to get that attention.
  • She gets jealous of you. Narcissistic people get easily jealous of other people’s success, so a narcissistic mother may get upset when her child does well. Narcissistic moms sometimes belittle their kids’ achievements or try to steal the spotlight in some way.
  • Her love is conditional. It may feel like a narcissistic mother will only show love when her expectations are met—and if her kids aren’t fulfilling her current needs, she’ll be angry or dismissive instead.

How to Deal with a Narcissistic Mother

Learn about narcissism. It’s important to understand what you’re dealing with and what sort of behavior to expect. Beyond that, there are subtypes of narcissism that may apply to your mother—and, if so, knowing about it can better help you cope. For example, types of narcissist include:

  • Overt - Also called “grandiose” narcissism, and the type most people associate with general narcissistic personality disorder.
  • Covert - The opposite of over narcissist; these narcissists often display low self-esteem and tend to play the victim or get defensive. They seem typically insecure and introverted.
  • Antagonistic - These narcissists are overly focused on rivalry and competition; they tend to be arrogant, argumentative, and competitive with others.
  • Communal - A type of narcissism where the narcissist sees themselves as altruistic and empathetic. They tend to get morally outraged quickly, but their “care” comes from a sense of self-importance rather than genuine concern.
  • Malignant - One of the most severe forms of narcissism; malignant narcissists are typically vindictive and sadistic. They enjoy causing others pain or getting aggressive with them, but get paranoid about potential threats to themselves.

Do not blame yourself. It’s not easy to cope with a narcissist, especially when it’s a parent, but you aren’t responsible for the way they behave. A mother with narcissistic personality disorder has a mental condition—it has nothing to do with you. Even if your mother tries to make you feel like you’re the problem, that’s not the case; a good parent should give their child unconditional love and respect.

Set hard boundaries with her. Setting boundaries can be hard because narcissistic parents often push back against them—but that’s all the more reason to enforce them. Figure out your limits and what needs to happen for you to maintain a relationship with your mother. Then, enforce those boundaries firmly, no matter what she (or anyone else) says. Be clear about what they are, too, so she can’t try to pretend she wasn’t aware of them.

Limit your communication with her. If talking and spending time with your mother usually upsets you, the natural thing to do is limit the amount of time you spend with her (or communicate with her). Figure out when you’re going to communicate with her, and don’t engage with her beyond those set limits.

Additionally, try using the “grey rock method” when you talk to her. It basically means disengaging from someone, making an effort to seem unresponsive or bored when you’re with them so they can’t tell if they’re affecting you. If you try this with a narcissistic mother, using short, one-word answers and refusing to get involved with anything she says, she may leave you alone and look for drama somewhere else.

Get support from others. It’s important to have a support system in place when dealing with a narcissistic mother. Make sure there are friends you can confide in, and ideally other family members or loved ones as well. They can help you cope with your narcissistic mother’s behavior and give you healthy relationships to focus on.

A therapist (or group therapy) can also help you come to terms and deal with a narcissistic parent. Group therapy can help because you’re talking to other people who can truly understand your situation, while a professional therapist can give you coping strategies and help you heal.

Build up your self-esteem, confidence, and self-compassion. In short, put yourself first. A narcissistic mother rarely values other people’s needs above her own—so it’s up to you to make sure your needs are met. Furthermore, narcissistic mothers can sometimes cause their children to develop low self-esteem, because their sense of self-worth is based on their mother’s treatment of them.

So, pay special attention to your self-esteem. Focus on doing activities that make you feel great about yourself and take the time for positive self-talk; recognize your strengths, skills, and the successes you’ve had so far in life. You are worthy, valid, and important—so remind yourself of that fact as often as possible. Treat yourself with compassion, and don’t let anyone else diminish your self-worth.

Go no contact if it’s best for you. No-contact means you don’t contact your mother in any shape or form; it may sound extreme, but it’s a valid thing to do if none of your other coping strategies have worked. Your well-being comes first! Going no-contact doesn’t make you the bad guy because you’re doing it for your own protection and peace of mind.

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