How to Tell If a Girl Is Using You (& What to Do About It)

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Is she playing you or genuinely interested?
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There might be certain friendships or relationships that confuse and frustrate us, leaving us to wonder: does this person actually like me so are they just using me? If you suspect a girl you like may be using you for personal gain, we’re here to help. Read on for a list of signs she’s using you, how to talk to her about it, and what to do next, with expert advice from dating coach John Keegan.

How to Know If a Woman Is Using You

A woman may be using you if she only reaches out when she needs something and is more interested in your status, money, or what you can give her than in developing a genuine relationship. If she doesn’t listen to you, ask questions about you, or care about your wellbeing, she may not be with you for the right reasons.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs She Might Be Using You

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  1. 1
    She only reaches out to you when she needs something. If this girl is only texting you to bail her out of situations or to ask for favors, that’s an indicator of someone who’s only out for themselves. If she shows no interest in who you are, what’s going on in your life, or whether you’re doing okay or not, she might just be using you. Keegan says, “If you feel like the other person doesn't care about your well-being and happiness, that's another red flag.” [1]

    Meet the wikiHow Expert

    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 15 years of professional experience, he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love.

  2. If she’s asking you to buy her the latest designer bag or to take her to the bougie new Michelin-starred restaurant uptown, she might be more into what you can buy her than she is into who you are as a person. Ultimately, this is a relatively easy thing to figure out. Ask yourself the following: [2]
    • Does she ask you for money constantly? Some girls may ask for money sometimes, but if she never shares or uses hers, put your foot down and set a boundary. If she disappears after you tighten up on money, it’s a good indicator that she was using you.
    • Consider that there are some girls who think that the guys should pay for everything to be gentlemanly, but asking for money outright may be a sign that she is using you.
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  3. 3
    She puts her needs above yours consistently. If it’s all about her, no matter what’s going on with you, she might be using you. While it’s fine for friendships and relationships to experience changing dynamics depending on what one person is going through, prioritizing someone else’s needs above your own at all times is not fine. If she cares about you, she’ll want to tend to your needs, as well, even if she occasionally needs extra support. If her life is constantly full of drama and she’s always bringing it to your doorstep— literally—without so much as calling ahead, it’s a huge red flag. [3]
  4. 4
    She’s only affectionate with you when it’s convenient. If she knows you’re really into her, she might be using that to her advantage. Maybe she gives you a big hug and kiss after you Venmo her some money. Or maybe she lets you hold her hand in public if you agree to take her out to the swanky new hot spot in the city. But if she’s only treating you tenderly because she wants something from you or as a thank you after you’ve done what she’s asked, the kisses and caresses are probably not genuine. [4]
  5. Maybe she’s using you to get to someone else in your social group, or maybe she simply likes being associated with people of a certain class or status. Keegan shares, “There are different ways people use people. For example, she may be very charismatic and charming, but at the same time, she may be using you to gain access to other worlds, or for money, or just as a prop in her life.” [5] In order to figure out if this is the case for you, consider the following:
    • Does she abandon you at parties or events that you’ve invited her to?
    • Does she seem more interested in doing things with your friends than with you?
    • Does she seem completely uninterested in doing things with you unless you are hanging out at a certain place or with certain people?
  6. There are many types of relationships that people can have, but ultimately, all healthy relationships benefit both people involved in some way. When evaluating the relationship, consider if you gain anything at all from the association or if she is the only party who benefits. Keegan says, “You might feel like the relationship is not equitable, like you're always giving and they're always taking.” [6] Try asking yourself the following questions:
    • Do you feel like a better person by being associated with her?
    • Do you feel emotionally served by the relationship?
    • Is she around when you need help or support?
    • Do you feel like your social life or emotional life would be lacking without her?
  7. One major red flag that a girl is not with you for the right reasons is that you never have actual conversations—she talks away while you listen. If she doesn’t seem to be super interested in anything you have to say but loves sharing her own thoughts and opinions, she may be using you. When in doubt, Keegan suggests that you ask yourself what you value in relationships. If you value “good listeners,” with whom you can have “deep conversations” that really “let [you] express [your] ideas,” then this girl might not be a good addition to your life, regardless. [7] Additionally, consider if:
    • She ever asks you how you are feeling or how you are doing
    • She stops to consider your thoughts on what she is saying, or if she keeps talking
    • She cares to learn more about you than she already knows
  8. Your close friends may be able to give you additional insight and perspective. If they tell you that they notice something odd about her behavior and they feel like she’s using you, it would be wise to listen to them. This is because they’ve probably had the benefit of observing the relationship, rather than participating in it. [8]
    • Understand that your friends will probably encourage you to end the relationship.
    • Tell your friends to keep your comments confidential.
    • If you share mutual friends, you need to be careful about sharing your thoughts with them. Talking to mutual friends could not only create tension between you and the girl, but between you and your mutual friends.
    • Speaking about your relationship with mutual friends is inappropriate unless you’ve gotten permission from the girl.
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Section 2 of 3:

Talking to Her About Her True Intentions

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  1. Leading questions will help you uncover information without explicitly asking so you can better get a sense of her intentions and ideals. [9]
    • Ask where she sees herself in three years. If the answer is someplace completely different, and you're not in the picture as a friend or as a partner, then think carefully about the relationship.
    • Initiate a conversation about "traditional" roles in relationships. Say something like "What do you think each party should contribute to a relationship?" Try to do this in a light-hearted way. Her answer may give you some insights into her beliefs. If she says that she believes in more traditional gender roles where the man pays for the majority of things, then that could explain why she expects that of you. It’s possible that she isn’t using you, but does expect you to contribute the most financially.
    • Ask her about her other friends or previous romantic partners. Getting information about friends and other romantic partners will give you a lot of information. Especially important may be why her previous relationships ended.
  2. You don’t necessarily have to ask her about her income, but you can ask her about how she budgets, plans, and saves. You might also ask her whether she has earned everything she has. If she has a nice car, consider saying something like "Your car is really nice, I don't think I could afford it." She may volunteer how she paid for it. [10]
    • As a good rule of thumb, it’s best not to share too much about your finances if you’re not in a trusting, committed relationship with that person.
    • Ask questions about what she thinks about financial planning. Make sure to do so in a relaxed setting.
    • Find out about her work life and career goals.
  3. The best way to find out if she is using you is to just ask her what she thinks you are to her. If she’s truthful, she should be able to define her conception of the relationship. This direct approach can tell you a lot. [11]
    • Approach her and say something like, “I think we should talk about our relationship.”
    • Consider saying, “I’d like to know how you define our relationship.”
    • Make sure to be polite, calm, and relaxed.
  4. During these tough conversations, try to really internalize what she’s saying, as it could reveal exactly what you need to know about your relationship. For example, if she says that she’s “never been with anyone as well off as you,” that’s not a good sign that she’s with you for your personality. If she apologizes for ever making you doubt her intentions and reassures that she’s not using you, take her at face value… unless her behavior continues to indicate otherwise. [12]
    • Avoid interpreting what she says to make yourself feel better about your relationship.
    • Don’t try to negotiate with her or come to some sort of “agreement” if you don’t like what she’s saying.
    • Take her statements as fact and as a blueprint for where your relationship should go. For instance, if you think that you have some sort of romantic relationship, and she clearly states that you don’t, reconsider whether you can be just friends or if you want to end things.
  5. Doing this might help you determine if she is using you or if you are confused about the relationship. Perhaps you realize that she was looking for a sugar daddy all along, and you unknowingly fit the bill. Or perhaps there was a misunderstanding along the way about how much money and resources you really have. Whatever the case, consider the following:
    • Do you have expectations for the relationship that are unrealistic? If she wants to be friends and you want to be romantic, then the problem might lie on your end.

    • Have you been trying to impress her or “buy” her love by spending money? If so, reexamine your view of the relationship.

    • Do you think that you are really good friends when in reality she views you as an acquaintance or even less? [13]
  6. This will serve to either hopefully clarify any lingering issues or provide you with the answers and closure you need to move on. Letting her know how you feel might signal to her that you both need to redefine the parameters of your relationship or go your separate ways.
    • Let her know you’re not happy with the relationship and tell her you feel you are being used.
    • Explain that you feel the relationship is one-sided, and if you want to change the nature of your relationship to make it more equal or mutually beneficial.
    • You might say, "I feel that things are unequal in our relationship and that I'm giving more than my fair share. I'm unhappy with the way things are, and I would like them to change."
    • If you are interested in her romantically, do not use sex as a bargaining tool. Never demand sex. Sex is something that is shared between two consenting individuals without pressure or coercion.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Relationships shouldn't be a guessing game. If you wonder if you're valued, take stock of the dynamic at play. Communication problems and a lack of give-and-take might be early signs of problems within a relationship.

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Section 3 of 3:

What To Do If You Think She's Using You

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  1. Take a step back from the relationship if she’s using you. If you’ve thoroughly thought about your relationship, discussed your concerns with her, and asked her to change her behavior, but she hasn’t— you’ve probably arrived at the conclusion that she is using you. In cases like these, it might be best to cut your losses and end the relationship. Of course, it’s normal to feel sad after a relationship ends, even if the other person’s intentions weren’t pure. Prioritize yourself, find new hobbies, and seek support from friends and family. You’ll be back on your emotional feet in no time!
    • Remember: the right girl will only want you for you. Your money or fancy toys will simply be bonuses to your winning personality. Don’t let this small setback keep you from finding her!

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      References

      1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.emlovz.com/signs-shes-using-you/
      3. ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/is-she-using-me-8-signs-you-are-being-taken-advantage-of/
      4. ↑ https://didyouknowblog.com/30-signs-she-might-just-be-using-you/
      5. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2215867/Dont-share-marital-woes-friends--talk-divorce--tips-saving-marriage-relationship-counsellor-Andrew-G-Marshall.html
      9. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html?_r=0
      1. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html?_r=0
      2. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_800/817_she-doesnt-want-a-relationship.html
      3. ↑ http://www.oprah.com/relationships/dr-phils-six-rules-of-talking-and-listening
      4. ↑ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/relationship_matrix.htm

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