Going back to school can be a hurdle. You'll have to get used to a new schedule, new clubs, and sometimes new teachers. But, switching from different schools or graduating from a school is another large step. For introverted or shy people, meeting new people at a new school may be challenging, because their old friends may not go to the same school as them. A lot of kids are lonely the first few days or weeks of school. If you need help making friends at a new school, or if you graduated from a school, read on!
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Finding Friends
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Look for people during orientation. For example, most schools have a freshman orientation for incoming ninth graders. They may also have orientations for new or transfer students. This is when you will meet people of your age. Remember that you aren't alone, and there are shy people around too. Some of them may not have friends at this school since none of their friends came to the same one. Talk to people around you, and socialize while touring the school.
- Teachers will mostly likely let seniors or juniors lead groups of freshmen to tour the school, and to get to know each other. There may be systems like this in middle school (where eighth graders help sixth graders) and in elementary school (where fifth graders help first graders or kindergartners with getting adjusted to school).
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See who is in your class. If you are in elementary or middle school, you will probably have about 15-25 kids in the same class as you. These people will be in all of your classes, from math to PE, so you will get to know them better. You will usually see a class list posted on the school website (or get this info during orientation) near the first day of school. If you are in high school, you will see different people in each class, depending on what classes they choose. So, your geometry pals will be different from your physics mates.
- Once you arrive on the first day, look around and keep an overall image of who is in your class. You will start to know them more as the year moves by.
- Remember what people look like and their names in case you need to ask them a question.
- As the first month of school goes by, you will probably know who is nice and who isn't with their school behavior. Nice people are respectful to the teacher and don't talk behind their backs. Rude students interrupt the teacher and don't pay attention during class. They may also insult the teacher behind their back.
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Attend a club. Clubs are friendly organizations in school, and they will help you to know more people. There are clubs for many activities such as chess, coding, reading, and playing sports. The number of clubs usually increases once you go from elementary school to middle school, and then to high school, so you'll have more variety once you get older. In elementary school, you may need the head of school's permission for you to make your own club. In middle school and/or high school, you might be able to make your own clubs. During club time, you can relax and have fun while doing something you enjoy.
- Start by attending one club if you are shy.
- Some schools have a club in which they help shy, introverted, or new kids make friends. You can attend this club to get to know more people.
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Choose an elective. An elective is a mandatory class you will choose in middle school and high school. These classes help you learn more in-depth information for what career path you may choose in the future. For example, ACSL and computer science electives may help future engineers. Health and genetics electives may help future doctors. The art electives (visual arts, performing arts, music) may help students who want to become artists, interior designers, actors, or singers after college.
- The people in your electives will have even more in common with you since they are likely to choose the same career path as you. You'll be able to discuss related topics with the people in your elective.
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Join a sports team. If you have practiced a sport for years, you will be able to join a sports team in your school. You will have the expertise, and you will likely play well on your team. Check your schedule to see if you will be able to attend all of the practices, though. You will need to tell your coach first if you will be absent one day. Don't be shy; if you believe that you have the talent, join it!
- You will meet sports enthusiasts and future athletes. Communicate with these people, as you will need to do teamwork with them throughout the rest of the season.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Talking to People
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Find a good time and place to talk. Don't just whisper to your neighbor during class, as you'll definitely get in trouble. If you are shy, you may find short class transitions to be a better way to talk than having to talk during a long lunch period. Some people may find longer times to be more relaxing and comfortable than having to think of things to talk about during a short time. Don't push yourself too far, and try something a little bit outside your comfort zone each time.
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Find people you are comfortable with. You will need to find a person who won't tire you out when they are talking to you. You'll also need a person that will respect you, hang out with you, and connect with you. If you are shy or introverted, make friends who are similarly shy or introverted to start. An extroverted person may talk too much, making you have little role in the conversation. They may also have tons of other friends, which you may find difficult to get along with.
- So, find a person sitting alone during lunch.
- Find a person walking home alone after school.
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Stay calm. Don't overthink anything. Thinking too much will take time out of your lunch, break, or whenever you socialize with people. Most people will be friendly and offer you a spot to sit during lunch. Whether or not they want to be friends with you depends on the person; you can't control that. Worrying over rejection won't cause the person to change their mind and become friends with you. There are many reasons why someone doesn't want to be close friends with you; they may already have a group of close friends and just accept you as "an acquaintance". They may not "click" with your personality. Or, they may want to take some time to decide and warm up with you.
- Brush off any concerns you have, and make the first move. If no one approaches you to socialize, you'll have to do it yourself. Repeat calming mantras to boost your confidence.
- Remember that it's not personal if someone doesn't want to be friends with you- they may have finally gotten the courage to reject you anyway- they don't want to be mean.
- It's not the end of the world if they reject you. If they want to be acquaintances, still casually continue to greet them and talk a bit, but don't budge into existing close friendships. This may disrupt them, and the two people may get annoyed.
- Find other people that you see alone or join a small group conversation.
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Greet people who make the first move. If a person wants to be your friend, they may wave at you and say, "Hello!". If you are new (or the youngest in a school, like a freshman or sixth grader), they may ask, "Which school did you come from?". Don't be weirded out or taken aback; understand that these people are friendly and want to get to know you better. If they greet you, say "Hello!" back to them. Try asking some questions that you have prepared, such as:
- "Which school did you come from?" (if the person is also new or has just graduated from a school)
- "What classes do you have, with what teachers?" [1] X Research source
- "What is your favorite subject?"
- "Are you a sophomore (or another grade level higher than your own)?"
- "What clubs do you have?"
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Take turns talking during the conversation. You don't want the conversation to become a monologue (with only one person doing all the talking)! A respectful person should get their point across, and then ask you a related question for you to answer. After you have answered, you ask the other person a question, and the conversation (dialogue) continues. If you are shy, you may speak quietly with short answers. If you are introverted, you may be more relaxed, but still answer vaguely if you don't know a person well.
- Introverted people can open up and even become extroverted if they know people well, but shy people may find it difficult to open up.
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End the conversation. If you don't have anything to talk about anymore, or if you have to go somewhere (like class or home), end the conversation. The person may say something like, "Well, it was nice getting to know you!" and say that they want to be your friend. You may have to say this if you were the one that started the conversation. Practice saying this in front of a mirror, with your pet, and family members to practice. Then, practice saying "Goodbye!" or "See you later!", common phrases to say when leaving.Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Making It Easier to Make Friends
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Tell if you are introverted , shy, or have social anxiety . People often mix up all of these as one thing. Introversion is a personality trait. Introverts enjoy hanging out with fewer people, and they aren't interested in huge social activities (e.g. pep rallies, getting-to-know-you activities during orientation, parties). Shy people often want to make friends, but get tongue-tied while doing so. They may stutter or end up speaking less than what they actually want to say during a conversation. People with social anxiety have anxiety in most social situations, from saying "Hi" to a stranger to dealing with parties and meetings. They may actively avoid meetings, giving their graduation speech, or other public speaking events because of their anxiety.
- People who are introverted may find it better to find a few close friends rather than a huge group of acquaintances. You may want to practice getting out of your comfort zone to meet a few more people and loosen up a bit when getting to know someone.
- People who are shy should boost their confidence. They should also rehearse how to deal with certain social situations at home to get used to it. Dealing with talking to strangers or new teachers at school may be nerve-wracking, so practice what you're going to say in front of a mirror.
- People with social anxiety may need to seek therapy. In the meantime, they can try breathing exercises and gradual exposure to the situation. Talking out your feelings with a trusted person can also help.
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Learn to smile. Shy people may find it difficult to loosen up when seeing new people around them, so they make an anxious expression. Introverted people may want to talk sometimes, but keep a blank expression when making eye contact with another person. Smiling at people waving at you will make you seem warmer and friendlier, making others want to make friends with you. [2] X Research source
- Smile in the mirror when you have the chance. Practice this at home. You may also try taking pictures of yourself when smiling. You can also observe how other people smile by glancing at a person smiling every now and then.
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Boost your confidence. Shy people may be scared of making friends because they don't feel like they can do it. They may doubt themselves and their ability to talk with people. This causes them to be anxious and avoidant of new people or strangers. Introverted people usually talk best in a small group of friends, and they can usually open up if they know someone well enough. However, introverted people can also be shy. In this case, boost your confidence. Have a growth mindset; with hard work, your goals will be achieved.
- Just because you don't have any friends doesn't mean that you won't have any in the future, as long as you work on it!
- If friendships end because you and your close friends are going to different schools, take the time to know more potential friends and connections. It's not the end of the world; it's unlikely to make lifelong friends when you're young since kids move and go to different schools all the time. Plus, with the widespread usage of the internet, you will likely be able to contact your friends using a messaging app or by email.
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Go outside of your comfort zone. Some introverts may be perfectly happy with being completely alone, but others need a few close friends to fulfill their social needs. Shy people are often anxious when they are faced with a social situation, whereas introverted people may act cold or indifferent when they first meet someone. So, practice taking risks. Taking risks is how people learn from their mistakes and improve in their lives.
- If you are shy, build up your courage and your confidence, and talk to one person you meet.
- If you are introverted, take the time to get to know people on an even deeper level (or make a few more friends than what you're used to).
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Learn how to reject someone. Some people are afraid to reject someone out of fear that they will offend them or hurt their feelings badly. Understand that you have your own concerns to manage, and it's okay to reject someone. If you don't want to be friends with someone, don't suddenly ghost them or hide from them wherever they appear. Act normally, and talk it out with them. Take deep breaths and listen to calming music. Then, find a place and talk with them about the friendship.
- You may decide to keep some contact with them as an acquaintance or a classmate, but not as a friend who you share your secrets and ideas with.
- You may also go "cold turkey" and not talk with them again. This may offend the person, so be careful, and decide whether that is best for both people.
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Don't hide in your phone. You may rely on your phone to talk in group chats or instant messaging with old friends. But, this decreases the chance of you meeting new people if you don't extend yourself. Plus, by ignoring and avoiding new people, you will likely be lonely for the rest of your years in middle school, high school, or college. Your old friends and classmates will slowly drift away (if they are in different schools), so they will chat less in group servers. Besides, it's impossible to be alone your whole life; people will meet you everywhere, from going to the store to hanging out in a dorm room and going to class.
- If you don't know anyone in your class and avoid them, you may find it difficult to find a person who wants to partner up with you for a project. During breaks and lunch, you may be sitting alone.
- Plus, with no friends you know in school, asking for help and resources is difficult. If you were absent, your friends could help you get the material you learned. If you don't know anyone, you will have to ask the teacher yourself for help, which is more intimidating.
- Put away your phone; don't use that as a distraction when someone wants to talk to you. It's a sign of respect for the person, and it shows that you are actively listening.
- Talk to old friends and classmates online after school, when you are done with your assignments for the day.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I start engaging with my classmates in school?Anna Svetchinkov, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mental Health Advocate, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she helps individuals, couples, and families nationwide and worldwide overcome challenges and achieve their goals through speaking engagements and presentations. Anna is a dynamic presenter who's appeared on major media networks, including PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, sharing her expertise in family therapy and mental wellness. She's a published author with over 30 books for children, adolescents, teens, and adults, covering topics related to mental health and wellness. Passionate about destigmatizing mental health, she founded the non-profit "I Care We All Care." Anna has received several awards for her contributions to the mental health field and was selected as one of Florida's ‘40 under 40.’ She received a BS in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston and is pursuing her Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI.In my conversations with high school students, I often find that introverted individuals, who are naturally more reserved and anxious, struggle to engage with others. One piece of advice I offer is to start stepping out of their comfort zone gradually. Even the smallest steps, like compiling a list of weekly challenges to push the boundaries, can make a significant difference. Simple actions such as making eye contact, smiling at someone, or initiating a greeting can have a remarkable impact. Often, when we dissect the reasons behind people's hesitation to engage, we realize that closed-off facial expressions or a seemingly distressed demeanor inadvertently deter others from approaching them. However, by making the effort to establish eye contact, smile, or exchange greetings, one can effectively encourage others to reciprocate and initiate conversations.
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Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about making friends, check out our in-depth interview with Anna Svetchnikov .
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